Bottoming and body image issues

[redslady]

redslady again you gathered your courage and faced your fears and again you won. You won a battle against your most fearsome enemy, your own fears. We really do not know each other but non the less I can not help but tell you how proud I am of you and your courage and bravery.

You done good girl. Have a great time with your friend.

Mike

Is it okay that I'm crushing on you a little bit? Because I am

 

[midwestyankee]

You guys are the bestest ever. So glad I came out of lurkerville.

We are too.

 

[BiBunny]

I did put him on ignore, but when I checked I couldn't find any post for him.

But on the bright side, it did make me think. Why was I worrying so over scars that I earned?
That's right I EARNED them. They weren't caused by cancer, they are badges of my having BEAT cancer.

Not only did I have fun, I spent time admiring my bruises and not once did I focus on the scars, like I used to when I looked in the mirror...So a big WIN WIN for me

So glad to hear you had fun!

I hope it continues, too.

 

[Chiara_searches]

I did put him on ignore, but when I checked I couldn't find any post for him.

But on the bright side, it did make me think. Why was I worrying so over scars that I earned?
That's right I EARNED them. They weren't caused by cancer, they are badges of my having BEAT cancer.

Not only did I have fun, I spent time admiring my bruises and not once did I focus on the scars, like I used to when I looked in the mirror...So a big WIN WIN for me

I am proud of you! That is the best perspective. My mom (well step-mom but I love her like a mom) is having a bilateral mastectomy in a few weeks. I hope she is able to see her victory as you have seen yours. If I may, I'll share your badge analogy with her.

Is it okay that I'm crushing on you a little bit? Because I am

I think it's okay...I word crush on JustaSCOUNDREL and a few others around here. And we all know of certain av crushes, too.

 

[redslady]

I am proud of you! That is the best perspective. My mom (well step-mom but I love her like a mom) is having a bilateral mastectomy in a few weeks. I hope she is able to see her victory as you have seen yours. If I may, I'll share your badge analogy with her.

It is a badge, one of strength. Please make sure they are up front with her as to what it's going to look like. It was a good thing that I knew from my work what to expect. Not many are prepared for the sight.

I'm scheduled to see if they can do a reconstruct. I'll have to wait till I have a year free and clear, but it's something I will consider.

 

[redslady]

I am proud of you! That is the best perspective. My mom (well step-mom but I love her like a mom) is having a bilateral mastectomy in a few weeks. I hope she is able to see her victory as you have seen yours. If I may, I'll share your badge analogy with her.



I think it's okay...I word crush on JustaSCOUNDREL and a few others around here. And we all know of certain av crushes, too.

Oh I know, my favourite av crush just started posting again. Love that Betticus av.

 

[subme01]

This is a truly inspirational thread. Redslady, I'm so pleased that a) you beat cancer and b) beat those body image demons. I was hooked on the thread and nearly cried when you posted the message to say you had the confidence for a session.

I may be being nosy now, and please, if you don't want to answer, don't feel under any pressure but:

have you and your friend had/decided on any further sessions?
now that you've shared this experience once with him, would you consider showing him your scars?

I'm asking not out of titilation, but because it's clear from the first post of this thread just how far you've come in dealing with what has happened and everything about you (even your avatar) suggests positivity and hope. You really deserve a happy ending.
Take care sweetie.

 

[snmmaster]

Any experienced Dom should have the ability to discuss these issues openly, understanding your needs. His obligation is to bring you into the community sharing his knowledge and skills as needed. One of the cornerstones in a D's relationship is honesty. Through that he will gain your trust which is also a cornerstone. As a novice in training your plate is full. Time is not to be wasted. Hhe should keep you on the correct path. In essence a simple discussion,you explain your feelings. He listens. He tells you need not entertain such worries he will help you throught it. Then continues, stating put it aside, and if it is not put aside, it will result in punishment. Usually there is only a need to punish once. It should be what it is severe enough for the sub see a need to comply, to feeling l no desire for another demo. It takes considerable time an effort to school a novice. Learn to embrace your emerging submissive woman. Embrace her duties as submissive, as well as the needs of that submissive woman, long hidden deep inside. You will be judged, by both your peers. Master on the ability to instruct and yours is by demonstrated ability. Physical appearance counts zip. Ease your uncomfortableness by focusing on pleasure, and your own style of bringing it. In becoming his, "Object of pleasure" is where you will find your greatest pleasure, lasting gratification and new sense of pride.

It's the most intense erotic exchange there is between two people. It is a sharing like no other, a bonding. Two come together, moving as one, each completing the other in what is referred to as, "The Dance". He will open a door to sub-space, and in an instant you will understand the insignificance of your fears. So just walk forward, step on over to the other side... and "Let the dance begin". Your life will never be the same again. Good luck.

Have you visited, collarme.com"? A great gathering of real people, but just be aware that "wannabez" are also there. It's not real easy to miss them, just look at the first flood of replies you get by posting an initial profile.

 

[DehviantGirl]

that generally men's eyes gravitate to the areas they enjoy looking at, and that the woman's attitude is 99% of it.

Excellently apropos

 

[redslady]

Any experienced Dom should have the ability to discuss these issues openly, understanding your needs. His obligation is to bring you into the community sharing his knowledge and skills as needed. One of the cornerstones in a D's relationship is honesty. Through that he will gain your trust which is also a cornerstone. As a novice in training your plate is full. Time is not to be wasted. Hhe should keep you on the correct path. In essence a simple discussion,you explain your feelings. He listens. He tells you need not entertain such worries he will help you throught it. Then continues, stating put it aside, and if it is not put aside, it will result in punishment. Usually there is only a need to punish once. It should be what it is severe enough for the sub see a need to comply, to feeling l no desire for another demo. It takes considerable time an effort to school a novice. Learn to embrace your emerging submissive woman. Embrace her duties as submissive, as well as the needs of that submissive woman, long hidden deep inside. You will be judged, by both your peers. Master on the ability to instruct and yours is by demonstrated ability. Physical appearance counts zip. Ease your uncomfortableness by focusing on pleasure, and your own style of bringing it. In becoming his, "Object of pleasure" is where you will find your greatest pleasure, lasting gratification and new sense of pride.

It's the most intense erotic exchange there is between two people. It is a sharing like no other, a bonding. Two come together, moving as one, each completing the other in what is referred to as, "The Dance". He will open a door to sub-space, and in an instant you will understand the insignificance of your fears. So just walk forward, step on over to the other side... and "Let the dance begin". Your life will never be the same again. Good luck.

Have you visited, collarme.com"? A great gathering of real people, but just be aware that "wannabez" are also there. It's not real easy to miss them, just look at the first flood of replies you get by posting an initial profile.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I did try the submissive route for over half my life and now I'm really not sure it's something I'll ever do again.

I honestly think that before I would consider being a sub, I need to find out who I really am. I know I'm a survivor with a new outlook on life. Where that new outlook will take me, I don't know. For me, right now, bottoming seems to be the best route. Believe me it's hard enough to bottom

 

[Pandorica]

Retracted because I was utterly thoughtless. I don't think I've ever been quite this stupid.

 

[Netzach]

For me, the Tyrion Lannister method of facing your insecurities worked. It wouldn't work for

99 percent of people

and should have backfired massively on my man but somehow he got away with it.

Fixed that.

Maybe you are high or something. If the OP had an interest in being humiliated, you think she would have maybe FRAMED it that way?

I mean this is cute, and I'm glad it worked for you, but I think throwing out something unbelievable triggering and headfuck-y at a time like this is the height of narcissism. Wow, go you. Hard core.

I realize this was an aha moment for you where you got to feel like a tough survivor, but guess what a life threatening illness does for you? Outside the purview of making your pussy tingle.

I've been quiet in this thread because not even the considerable medically induced self-esteem fuck I've been through is a drop of pee in the ocean compared to what the OP is going through and I'll leave it to people who know of what the fuck they speak.

 

[Pandorica]

Fixed that.

Maybe you are high or something. If the OP had an interest in being humiliated, you think she would have maybe FRAMED it that way?

I mean this is cute, and I'm glad it worked for you, but I think throwing out something unbelievable triggering and headfuck-y at a time like this is the height of narcissism. Wow, go you. Hard core.

I realize this was an aha moment for you where you got to feel like a tough survivor, but guess what a life threatening illness does for you? Outside the purview of making your pussy tingle.

I've been quiet in this thread because not even the considerable medically induced self-esteem fuck I've been through is a drop of pee in the ocean compared to what the OP is going through and I'll leave it to people who know of what the fuck they speak.

I'm sorry. I read through the thread and that's what it reminded me of and so I shared it. It wasn't advice so much as an anecdote. It wasn't my intention to belittle what redslady has gone through.

 

[CandiCame]

That's the way! Good for you, Red!
I guess my question is this: how does one go about changing their thought process so that they can view their scars as something positive? Because when I see mine, they're just a reminder of bad things. I've read here a couple of folk who see them as proof of a victory over something life threatening, but I just can't bring myself to think that way. These are things that were inflicted on me by another human being, who was supposed to love me. Even if I can stop myself thinking about what caused the scars, I've never been able to escape the reminder that I never had a father worth a damn.

That said, I would like to be able to associate these things with something positive. Maybe I need to take this up with my therapist...

Ok... so I've been lurking through this whole thread, and here's some shit that creeping me out.

You and I both have scars from our dad's being assholes. That's weird to me. Most people leave bruises- to get scarred, you have to get hurt fucking bad. My dad was trigger & knife happy- I'm guessing yours was to.

Every time someone asks about my scars, I say I was shot or got them in a knife fight. Both are true. Unless it's someone who really knows me, I don't see the reason to go into it more. I'm also not Vash the Stampede though- it's not my whole body- they're all pretty small, and I'm going to get a series of tatts and maybe ritual scarification to cover them. They're scattered, but I'm an artist, I'll make it work.

But I had kinda the opposite reaction. I want kids so bad. I wanna have a steady income and shit first, so I can spoil the hell out of them, but I really want to have kids so that when they think about me, they'll think about me the way that I think about my gramps.

When he was a dick, it was for a reason. That guy worked overtime to pay for my text messages- and he doesn't know what they are. That guy spent every day that he was around me trying to get me ready for the world. That guy fucking loves me.

I want that. I want someone to think of me like that. I also like taking care of things- like, animals and shit. When I was really depressed, the only way that I could pull myself out of it was to think about something else that needed me to survive. I can't care if I die. I don't mean shit to me. But if I die, who's gonna take care of _________?

Also, I don't really hate my dad. My therapist kept trying to get me to think that I did, but she finally realized that I don't. I don't care to talk about hi, I'm not repressing anything. I just don't care. I see my grandfather as my dad, and my dad as... some asshole my mom was with for like, 16 stupid fucking years or some shit. Being a sperm donar doesn't make you a father. And I've never had a DNA test- and there are two other guys it could be with me- both white (the only trait I have from my father at all is the pale skin; and my dad's not that pale).

So, anyway... I never look at those scars and think, "Motherfucker hurt me, and he was supposed to love me." People don't have to love you because they fucked your mom. There's nothing to me that ever indicated that this dude was supposed to love me. So all I see is, "That motherfucker hurt me- and I was a little fucking kid! You don't hurt little kids! Fuck that guy!"

Maybe the difference is that my gramps was awesome, and I did have a positive father-figure, so I was pretty much able to superimpose him over my image of "dad-ness". I mean, I get him shit on father's day, instead of my dad. He was the one at my baseball games, he was the one I went hunting and fishing with. He was the one who gave me work ethic- he pretty much filled all those missing roles. I don't know anything about your relationship with other adult guys when you were little.

My scars aren't positive. But they aren't negative either- they're scars. They're also not on my face. My dad was always very smart about not going for the face. If you hit me in the face, one of the orifices collected there is going to bleed, and if you're going to hit me in the face, I'm gonna have a 'your fist' shaped/sized bruise on my face, which teachers don't like to see. It doesn't take long to figure this out. Being the oldest, I get to be the one it's figured out on, but still, mine aren't on my face. But... I don't know, mine are easy to ignore. I wish I knew more of your story, I might be able to give you a more positive spin...

So... I've been lurking through this entire thread, and BiBunny, you've made me happy to. I totally agree with you. I also hate this, 'it's the media' thing. We absorb the media and it makes us violent. We absorb the media and it makes us think we're ugly. We absorb the media and it makes us whores.

You know who made me a violent whore with no self-esteme? I did. I could choose not to have those traits, I could chose who I am. But I like being me. I'm not some blank slate for Bungie and 4-kids to impress upon. I like the shit I like because I like it. I absorb the media messages I absorb, even on a subconcious level, because they spoke to me, not because I felt like I needed to. I don't delve into what others think is physically attractive, I go with what I like.

You'd be nonconforming to, if you were just like me.

So... that's my take on body issues... and daddy issues... I think...

 

[redslady]

Fixed that.

Maybe you are high or something. If the OP had an interest in being humiliated, you think she would have maybe FRAMED it that way?

I mean this is cute, and I'm glad it worked for you, but I think throwing out something unbelievable triggering and headfuck-y at a time like this is the height of narcissism. Wow, go you. Hard core.

I realize this was an aha moment for you where you got to feel like a tough survivor, but guess what a life threatening illness does for you? Outside the purview of making your pussy tingle.

I've been quiet in this thread because not even the considerable medically induced self-esteem fuck I've been through is a drop of pee in the ocean compared to what the OP is going through and I'll leave it to people who know of what the fuck they speak.

Thank you Netzach. I didn't respond to the post because it caused a knee jerk reaction in me. My only thought after reading it was she should be grateful she has breast to put into a bra, padded or not. I really didn't want to post a "You think you have it so bad, dance in my shoes twinkle toes" Needless to say, my prosthetic bra will never be coming off to be waved in my face.

 

[redslady]

I'm sorry. I read through the thread and that's what it reminded me of and so I shared it. It wasn't advice so much as an anecdote. It wasn't my intention to belittle what redslady has gone through.

I didn't see it as belittling. Everyone has issues as this thread is proving out. I didn't respond to it at first as it caused a really bad reaction in me. My 25 yr marriage ended because of my mastectomies. He could handle my being sick, but not my being "whole".

Maybe it was jealousy that stopped me from posting, the fact that while you may not be well endowed, you still have more than I do. But as Netzech's post reminded me, I've come through something far worse than not having breast.

I'm glad it worked for you, for me, I would have shanked the ass.

 

[redslady]

Retracted because I was utterly thoughtless. I don't think I've ever been quite this stupid.

Hun, I don't think your post was stupid or thoughtless. It was an honest post of what you experienced. Everyone of us has our own demons, I don't see mine as any worse or better than anyone else's. If anything sometimes I feel as if I dwell on them a little too much. Please don't beat yourself up over it. My reaction wasn't only fuled by your post, and in a way I feel guilty because I used it to express some inner anger that had nothing to do with what you wrote and for that I'm sorry.

 

[Kurokami]

Ok... so I've been lurking through this whole thread, and here's some shit that creeping me out.

You and I both have scars from our dad's being assholes. That's weird to me. Most people leave bruises- to get scarred, you have to get hurt fucking bad. My dad was trigger & knife happy- I'm guessing yours was to.

Yes, Candi, yes he was. Most of the time, he was just an asshole, but there were times where that would cross into full blown psychopath territory and he'd try to kill me or my brother, and only the quick intervention of the people around us would stop the shit from really hitting the fan. I won't bore you with the odd family dynamic I grew up in, but those were the times when I really got hurt.

And you're right, I really didn't have a father. I had a man who used to beat me until my bones broke, and I had a mother who didn't care enough to try and stop him. So in my head, I'll always have missed out on something special that most other people have. It's not so much that my father specifically should haved loved me- though he definitely should have- but rather that I wish I'd had someone in that position to show me what a dad is supposed to be. So that when I become one myself, and that day is drawing closer, I'll be worthier of my little girls.

I'll always hate my father; you don't do the things he did without earning a little hate. I won't forgive him, but I'm also not going to allow that to overwhelm me. I've got my own life now, scars or no, and I'm happy with it. And that's enough

 

[TarevaChine]

<snip>

- but rather that I wish I'd had someone in that position to show me what a dad is supposed to be. So that when I become one myself, and that day is drawing closer, I'll be worthier of my little girls.

Oh you know I could not let this go without making a comment.

You are going to be so worthy of those little girls! You are going to be one hell of a father! Never have any doubt about that.

 

[redslady]

Oh you know I could not let this go without making a comment.

You are going to be so worthy of those little girls! You are going to be one hell of a father! Never have any doubt about that.

Have to full heartedly agree here. Those two girls are going to be soooo lucky

 

[Pandorica]

Hun, I don't think your post was stupid or thoughtless. It was an honest post of what you experienced. Everyone of us has our own demons, I don't see mine as any worse or better than anyone else's. If anything sometimes I feel as if I dwell on them a little too much. Please don't beat yourself up over it. My reaction wasn't only fuled by your post, and in a way I feel guilty because I used it to express some inner anger that had nothing to do with what you wrote and for that I'm sorry.

Oh good grief, please don't start apologising to me! I'm the one who is sorry. The retraction was also because I didn't want to leave something in a thread you had started that was so obviously (except to this stupid bitch here at the time) triggering.

Anyway, I've detracted quite enough from the main topic of your thread, so I'll sidle out stage left.

 

[Kurokami]

Oh you know I could not let this go without making a comment.

You are going to be so worthy of those little girls! You are going to be one hell of a father! Never have any doubt about that.

Have to full heartedly agree here. Those two girls are going to be soooo lucky

Thank you both.