Broken Hearted - my online Dom is furious with me

[Puman]

Phew.. intense and good reading for this Thursday morning...

I would personally persue "experimenting" with my hubby rather than "looking" for another Dom. The guy seems keen to play around a bit and I think it's sad that he's not included in the D/s... call me old fashioned, but I'd much rather try this within the marriage before looking ouside of it...

 

[BiBunny]

So, you either think submission is a gift, or you're an asshole who takes advantage of people. Yeahhhhhh. Sure. I think there are a lot of flavors that have nothing to do with either of those two things that you're not taking into account here.

IF I submit (which I rarely do, for any reason or to any person), it's not a gift. It's something that was born out of a deep devotion and an over-the-moon kind of love. To call it a "gift," to me, is to cheapen what it really is. It is a need to put another above myself because of the way that person makes me feel.

It's not a "gift." That terminology leaves a bad taste in my mouth 'cause it's so hokey, and it neglects the reality of my (very rare) submission. I do it because I love someone so much that that person's happiness is more important to me than my own. If I love someone that much, that means I've gotten to know that person well. In getting to know that person, I've come to recognize that that person won't take advantage of me.

It's just a more extreme version of "love your neighbor as yourself" and all that jazz. If I'll submit to someone, it's because I love that person more than I love my own selfish desires. It may not be that way for others, of course, but that's how it is for me. To call it a "gift" is to make that love something cheap and tawdry and wrapped in shiny paper that can be wrenched back by me any time I want. That's not what that kind of love is to me AT ALL.

 

[Puman]

So, you either think submission is a gift, or you're an asshole who takes advantage of people. Yeahhhhhh. Sure. I think there are a lot of flavors that have nothing to do with either of those two things that you're not taking into account here.

IF I submit (which I rarely do, for any reason or to any person), it's not a gift. It's something that was born out of a deep devotion and an over-the-moon kind of love. To call it a "gift," to me, is to cheapen what it really is. It is a need to put another above myself because of the way that person makes me feel.

It's not a "gift." That terminology leaves a bad taste in my mouth 'cause it's so hokey, and it neglects the reality of my (very rare) submission. I do it because I love someone so much that that person's happiness is more important to me than my own. If I love someone that much, that means I've gotten to know that person well. In getting to know that person, I've come to recognize that that person won't take advantage of me.

It's just a more extreme version of "love your neighbor as yourself" and all that jazz. If I'll submit to someone, it's because I love that person more than I love my own selfish desires. It may not be that way for others, of course, but that's how it is for me. To call it a "gift" is to make that love something cheap and tawdry and wrapped in shiny paper that can be wrenched back by me any time I want. That's not what that kind of love is to me AT ALL.

Now THAT is bloody well put.

 

[BiBunny]

Now THAT is bloody well put.

Thank you!

 

[Puman]

Thank you!

You're most welcome.

 

[intothewoods]

Mostly the reason I submit is that it's hot. And I like it. The end. I am not at risk for abuse because I have been with my PYL for a long time, and we are in a committed and healthy relationship.

 

[Kaena]

I think everyone here is getting hung up on the word "gift". I don't believe Shivandragon meant to cheapen what a submissive has with their dominant. What he truly meant to say was that what a sub and a dom have with each other is special and anyone who claims themself to be a dom and not think what they have with their sub is special and not take their subs feelings into consideration and treat them with respect are the ones as you others have titled them "assholes" Everyone has a right to believe in what they believe in, and to bash someone for trying to say that they believe what a sub and dom have together is special just because you dont like the way in worded is utterly ridiculous.

 

[Breaker_Morant]

You've been bitten in the ass by the fact that some people WANT to be permissive and open, and when the tires hit the road, they can't cut it. It doesn't make them horrible people, just horrible matches for your situation.

What she said...

 

[ShivanDragon00]

It is a need to put another above myself because of the way that person makes me feel.

I do it because I love someone so much that that person's happiness is more important to me than my own.

If I'll submit to someone, it's because I love that person more than I love my own selfish desires.

Seems to me that when someone selflessly puts the object of their desire's needs above their own, that person's devotion could be considered special.

If i had (and frankly I DO) someone who put my needs and wants at the forefront of their list of priorities, i would damn well consider that a gift.

All i am saying is this is my own opinion, and i believe we're having this conversation because im being made to believe that my OPINION is wrong. How one's opinion could be wrong, i have a hard time grasping that idea.

 

[Puman]

... How one's opinion could be wrong, i have a hard time grasping that idea....

It simply isn't.

As a third person reading this... at the core, you and BB seem to be describing these commitments very similarily. The context and literal language you're using is just a little different.

 

[Kaena]

It simply isn't.

As a third person reading this... at the core, you and BB seem to be describing these commitments very similarily. The context and literal language you're using is just a little different.

Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking. Now unfortunately the original thread kind of got rail roaded. I just have to say to the original poster that I feel for you and I am sorry to say I have no respect for anyone that treats anyone like that. I am not going to say that he is not a "reall" dom or anything because everyone has a different way of seeing things and acting, but, respect is one of the main aspects of a d/s relationship.

 

[proudmale]

It may be trite but time heals. It is quite possible that the "Dom" was wanting out for some reason and took the coward's way out. He is not worth crying over so dry up tears and get on with life you have the backing of husband so you are lucky.

 

[Homburg]

The "submission is a gift" threads are always pointless.

I think everyone here is getting hung up on the word "gift". I don't believe Shivandragon meant to cheapen what a submissive has with their dominant. What he truly meant to say was that what a sub and a dom have with each other is special and anyone who claims themself to be a dom and not think what they have with their sub is special and not take their subs feelings into consideration and treat them with respect are the ones as you others have titled them "assholes"

If SD's meaning were not so hung up on the word "gift", why cling to it? Why defend it? Why not reiterate what was said in different terms?

Everyone has a right to believe in what they believe in, and to bash someone for trying to say that they believe what a sub and dom have together is special just because you dont like the way in worded is utterly ridiculous.

Okay, look at the page that this post is on. Scroll up and down. what do you see for the most part? Yup, words. On an internet message board, the vast majority of the infomation and communication going on is carried out by words, with some of it being pictures and such. When words are the primary medium in which data is transferred, the way something is worded becomes dead important. If I went around calling submissives "marshmallows", floggers "pasta", red "green", and submission "the gift", no one would have one damned clue what I was talking about.

And who is bashing? There were insults here? Flames? I missed it. No, wait, there was the statement... Well, I'll cover it below.

----

Seems to me that when someone selflessly puts the object of their desire's needs above their own, that person's devotion could be considered special.

Can you tell me where anyone said that it wasn't special?

If i had (and frankly I DO) someone who put my needs and wants at the forefront of their list of priorities, i would damn well consider that a gift.

Good for you, whatever gets you through. I place too much value on the surrender I've received to consider it a gift. And that's what gets me through. Whee.

All i am saying is this is my own opinion, and i believe we're having this conversation because im being made to believe that my OPINION is wrong. How one's opinion could be wrong, i have a hard time grasping that idea.

If I say that, in my opinion, it would be great to put all hispanic children in chains and make them serve as furniture, would I suddenly be right? It's my opinion. By your logic, it is not wrong.

Gimme a break. You can be of the opinion that the sky is more puce than blue, but if it ain't puce, your opinion is incorrect. And you can decide randomly that a word means something other than what anyone else thinks it means. This does not somehow make you correct. See my example above regarding marshmallows, pasta, and green.

But, more importantly, in my opinion, you're using that phrase poorly. By your logic, it's my opinion, thus it's right. Thanks.

These "submission is a gift" threads are always pointless. People get their panties in a wad because *gasp* other people don't agree. And then we see accusations that a person can't possibly be "real", or "true", or (in this thread) that a dominant cannot possible take care of a submissive if she or he does not see that submission as a gift. How incredibly insulting.

See, I disagree with you, and my tone may be sharp, but I'm not telling you that you can't possibly be a good submissive if you are so pie-eyed as to see your submission as a gift. I may think you are using a poor choice of words and over-romanticising the topic, but I don't cast aspersions on your worth as a person involved in this lifestyle.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I see my submission as a gift. My submission is not a personality trait. I am not submissive by nature. It is just for him. My PYL agrees with me. It fits our relationship. That's all that matters to us.

Different people see their dynamic in different ways and if some do not see submission as a gift, so be it. But those of us that do should be able to without being made to feel we are just silly and overly romanticising, or other wise wrong.

I'm not going to say anything more about this topic, it's been talked to death before.

 

[ShivanDragon00]

If I say that, in my opinion, it would be great to put all hispanic children in chains and make them serve as furniture, would I suddenly be right? It's my opinion. By your logic, it is not wrong.

Gimme a break. You can be of the opinion that the sky is more puce than blue, but if it ain't puce, your opinion is incorrect. And you can decide randomly that a word means something other than what anyone else thinks it means. This does not somehow make you correct. See my example above regarding marshmallows, pasta, and green.

But, more importantly, in my opinion, you're using that phrase poorly. By your logic, it's my opinion, thus it's right. Thanks.

These "submission is a gift" threads are always pointless. People get their panties in a wad because *gasp* other people don't agree. And then we see accusations that a person can't possibly be "real", or "true", or (in this thread) that a dominant cannot possible take care of a submissive if she or he does not see that submission as a gift. How incredibly insulting.

See, I disagree with you, and my tone may be sharp, but I'm not telling you that you can't possibly be a good submissive if you are so pie-eyed as to see your submission as a gift. I may think you are using a poor choice of words and over-romanticising the topic, but I don't cast aspersions on your worth as a person involved in this lifestyle.

If i made it seem like i was saying you cant be a good Dominant if you dont accept submission as a gift, i am sorry, that really isnt what i was trying to say. I was simply saying what it meant to me, and perhaps i chose my words poorly but honestly im not defending the word gift as much as im defending the right i have to my opinion. I have no right to judge your competence as a Dominant, i honestly have no idea the kind of person you are, and i am not so inept that i would try to do so.

As ecstatic sub so eloquently puts it, she sees her submission as a gift, which her PYL agrees with. This lifestyle is all about what is right for two people. That is my core belief. I think she proves the point that everyone has an opinion, she just stated hers...now if she had stated that she thinks all hispanic children should be in chains and used as furniture, her opinion would have bought her much anxiety....its called consequences, if your opinion is so disgusting then you will have to pay for it....

 

[Homburg]

If i made it seem like i was saying you cant be a good Dominant if you dont accept submission as a gift, i am sorry, that really isnt what i was trying to say. I was simply saying what it meant to me, and perhaps i chose my words poorly but honestly im not defending the word gift as much as im defending the right i have to my opinion. I have no right to judge your competence as a Dominant, i honestly have no idea the kind of person you are, and i am not so inept that i would try to do so.

Understood, it's cool. One of these days I'll remember to keep myself out of Talk threads that will just wind up as arguments. I'm just no good at resisting these sorts of threads.

 

[the captians wench]

Jounar and my relationship has been mostly based online (tho we did get some face to face for the first time this year ) for over 3 years now. Tho he didn't run off and disapear on me, because that's just not his style, I have been very formally corrected on very simular actions.

Because for so long it did not look likely that Jounar and I would get to be face to face, he allowed me playmates here. The problem with that is that we never set up rules or boundries. These guys started out as friends I had known either as long as I had known him or longer, I think that put them in a different catagory perhaps. But those friends moved on, as they some times do, and I sought out others to fulfil certian physical needs that Jounar just could not do at the time. I would tell him everything, until he started acting jelous, then I started only telling him what he asked. He did not take to that well. As the primary PYL in my life, he wanted to know everything, so when I decided not to give information with out explicitly being asked for it, I was acting against his right as my primary partner; even if I did do it because I was worried about his feelings.

It was a long hard road to get back to a place where the world revolved around us again. And quite frankly it's happened a few times, on both ends. Relationships don't tend to have rule books for everything. Sure you can state the obvious things that you are familure with, but like in this situation he had always encouraged me to find some one to "take care of me" here, but didn't set limits or expectations on that, so when it happened it caused problems. I thought I was acting in a way he would aprove of, and he didn't aprove.

But one great thing about Jounar, he's dependable in that I know he's there and would never disapear long term with out giving me an explination as to why he's cutting me out. I have had people disapear on me. The ones online, I tended to take with a grain of salt, but the one in the flesh, that took a good while, and I did some detrimental things to myself because my self esteam was hit so hard.

Bottom line is, you can't plan for every situation. Yes there should be rules, guidelines and limits set, but some times a situation doesn't fall with in these pre-set terms. That's where comunication comes in along with discipline and retribution, and once a crime is forgiven, it is forgotten, or at least never mentioned again.

Maybe he'll come around and give you an explination, or maybe you just have to chalk it up to a bad fit and move on.

 

[ShivanDragon00]

I meant nothing against you, or how you live your life. I am opinionated to a fault and i truly didn't mean to come off disrespectful, so if i did i do apologize. I dont really see these as arguments, just discussions. I truly feel as if i learn more about myself and life in general from things like these. I WANT to know how other's opinions differ from mine and i always open myself to the possibility that someone will come up with a point that i have not yet thought about and force me to consider changing my opinion on that. I try not to personally attack anyone in these conversations though, and like i said, if i did so i do apologize.

 

[Homburg]

I meant nothing against you, or how you live your life. I am opinionated to a fault and i truly didn't mean to come off disrespectful, so if i did i do apologize. I dont really see these as arguments, just discussions. I truly feel as if i learn more about myself and life in general from things like these. I WANT to know how other's opinions differ from mine and i always open myself to the possibility that someone will come up with a point that i have not yet thought about and force me to consider changing my opinion on that. I try not to personally attack anyone in these conversations though, and like i said, if i did so i do apologize.

Don't sweat it, ShivanDragon. While I get feisty and grumpy, I don't tend to stay that way for long (so long as I don't keep getting prodded, of course)

No hard feelings whatsoever, and I hope that there are none on your end as well.

 

[KinkyRascal]

A Matter of Perspective...

Perhaps I should just leave well enough alone. But that, frankly, is not one of my personality traits.

There are many things I love about Lit. One of the few I do not, however, is the propensity some have to parse the words of others and, particularly, the meaning of words used by others.

Bluntly it is a game with endless potential for sharing one's own unique version of "The Truth" and absolutely no possibility of any return on the time invested in so doing.

One of the beautiful aspects of language is that it is highly symbolic. As such, and despite endless efforts to force strict definitions on various terms, language has different meanings to different people. Much, if not all of those differences derive from each of our own realities--none of which are "right" or "wrong" so much as they are simply different as processed by our own senses, minds and filters.

With all due respect (including the distinct possibility that there may be very little due at all), what is a "weak, emotionally vapid" term to some may have deep and abiding meanings to others.

It would seem, especially in a community dedicated to the discussion of issues and behaviors many in our societies still see as "abherrant" that deference to that possibility out of simple respect if nothing else would be the default position for this community.

But, of course, too often it is not. Too often it is not simply because several must insist that "their reality" (and definitions of terms) must be everyone's reality (and definitions of terms).

Unfortunately, particularly terms associated with the highly complex sublties of human relationships, cannot be boiled down to such simplistic nonsense.

What is a "gift" to some (perhaps even many) is not what it is to others.. And if the word "gift" causes such concern what of the words "relationship," "intimacy" or "love?". The silly acronyms of PYL shows this, too, to be true!

What they are to you is not at all what they are to me. Nor should it ever be.

I can live with that ambiguity just fine because it is one of many things I cherish about life as we know it.. It's unfortunate however, that, apparently, a number of others cannot feel the same way nor acknowledge that possibility. Instead, they must pontificate on the "rightness" (and righteousness) of their own position, definitions and reality.

That is what is weak. That is what is vapid. That is what is HUGELY disrespectful and demeaning. That is especially so when heartfelt responses intended only to help someone new to these dynamics and hurting badly because of the actions of an a**hole becomes, instead, the subject of commentaries related to text analysis. (That, by the way, meets my definition of "clueless".)

And, in closing, if children are not gifts, what by God are they? Certainly I would never equate them with car maintenance but then I also did make them "with my own hands" as, quite clearly, a very different appendage was responsible!!!

You know, when I buy a car, I take good care of it. When I sit down and make something with my own hands, I take care of it. My children were not gifts to me, but I take good care of them.

It's not a gift. It is not a thing that can be given. It is a state of relationship, a dynamic. viv did not give her submission to me. She retained that facet of her personality, and kept it to herself. She surrendered to me, gave me everything of herself. And it was no casual gift. It was deep, and thought through, and because I earned it, and demanded nothing less by whom I am to her. The same can be said about MIS. She gave me no gifts. We built this dynamic with blood and tears.

"Gift" is a weak, emotionally vapid term. I build my relationships to weather the storm, and her surrender to me had better be as rock-solid as my commitment to her.

Lastly, how much of a gift is it when you get something in return? A gift is something given with no thought of recompense. I've met very, very, very few submissives that would give themselves up with no thoughts whatsoever of some sort of recompense, even if it is only the emotional satisfaction of having someone to watch over you. You get something out of it, so it cannot strictly be a "gift". I know I sure work frikken hard for my two "gifts".

And if you want to infer that I don't take care of my girls, and I must not, by your logic, because I don't consider their surrender to me to be a gift, I invite you to speak to them directly.

--



Pfft, you should.

 

[Homburg]

Perhaps I should just leave well enough alone. But that, frankly, is not one of my personality traits.

With less than 100 posts in three years, you've left well enough alone overall.

There are many things I love about Lit. One of the few I do not, however, is the propensity some have to parse the words of others and, particularly, the meaning of words used by others.

Bluntly it is a game with endless potential for sharing one's own unique version of "The Truth" and absolutely no possibility of any return on the time invested in so doing.

One of the beautiful aspects of language is that it is highly symbolic. As such, and despite endless efforts to force strict definitions on various terms, language has different meanings to different people. Much, if not all of those differences derive from each of our own realities--none of which are "right" or "wrong" so much as they are simply different as processed by our own senses, minds and filters.

Now we're getting into some meat. There is no right or wrong to meaning? Really? I'm sure my third grade teacher would have taken well to that argument on a vocabulary test. There may be no grand book of meaning in a government vault somewhere, but there is consensus. This is why we have such things as dictionaries, grammar classes, vocabulary work in schools, etc. It puts us all in the same book, if not on the same page.

Reality, or at least how the vast majority of human beings perceive and understand reality*, is linguistically based in our minds. If we cannot describe something, we cannot adequately experience, nor understand it. While it is entirely possible to communicate via actions, pictures, grunts, and such, the most common strong, rapid experience of the intellect of another human is through language. You might surmise the existence of brainpower in that person, but language of some sort is the fastest way to know for certain (see Sarah Palin as an example of language immediately giving a clue as to the level of intelligence)

See above comments vis a vis text being the operative medium here as well, and combine all of these things. Lacking tone, inflection, body language, smell, etc, what else do we have to divine meaning and intellectual exhange through aside from text?

What you suggest in your final sentence in the above quote is nothing less than solipsistic equivocation of reality in general. Why waste the time to respond if it is all just perception?

With all due respect (including the distinct possibility that there may be very little due at all), what is a "weak, emotionally vapid" term to some may have deep and abiding meanings to others.

You're perfectly correct. I have totally forgotten the "Giftean" subculture within the lifestyle. Based off of a series of novels set in the "Gifte" universe, the "Giftean" BDSM'ers practise a kinder form of BDSM revolving around acts of selfless service and free sexual association. I'd completely forgotten about these lovely soft folk in my mad rush to stomp the bejesus out of everyone else's ideals.

I'm SUCH a bastard. My apologies to the Gifteans among us.

It would seem, especially in a community dedicated to the discussion of issues and behaviors many in our societies still see as "abherrant" that deference to that possibility out of simple respect if nothing else would be the default position for this community.

Pray tell, where does "simple respect" preclude discussion, debate, or even argument?

But, of course, too often it is not. Too often it is not simply because several must insist that "their reality" (and definitions of terms) must be everyone's reality (and definitions of terms).

Unfortunately, particularly terms associated with the highly complex sublties of human relationships, cannot be boiled down to such simplistic nonsense.

What is a "gift" to some (perhaps even many) is not what it is to others.. And if the word "gift" causes such concern what of the words "relationship," "intimacy" or "love?". The silly acronyms of PYL shows this, too, to be true!

I think "PYL" is awful too, but that is the way this board rolls, so I go along with it. Easier than typng top/dom/master ever time. And the rest of those words get argued over as well. This is a message board. If people agreed on everything all the time it would be fuck-all boring.

What they are to you is not at all what they are to me. Nor should it ever be.

Thank you for imposing your truth on me.

I can live with that ambiguity just fine because it is one of many things I cherish about life as we know it.. It's unfortunate however, that, apparently, a number of others cannot feel the same way nor acknowledge that possibility. Instead, they must pontificate on the "rightness" (and righteousness) of their own position, definitions and reality.

Did you read the earlier posts in the thread? The ones where I was sitting there getting on people for making value judgements on someone not present and calling them fake? Didja miss that part?

Or are you a Giftean, and are simply trying to defend your widely misunderstood subculture in a passive-aggressive manner?

That is what is weak. That is what is vapid. That is what is HUGELY disrespectful and demeaning. That is especially so when heartfelt responses intended only to help someone new to these dynamics and hurting badly because of the actions of an a**hole becomes, instead, the subject of commentaries related to text analysis. (That, by the way, meets my definition of "clueless".)

Your filters are interesting. Thread drift is "HUGELY disrespectful." Nice to know.

As an aside, I got a PM from the OP thanking me for my earlier posts. She's good people.

And, in closing, if children are not gifts, what by God are they?

They're... children. No one gave them to me. Kind of hard for me to see them as gifts. Here is about the point where I would hit a dictionary to offer up a definition of the word, but you've already said that you don't believe in such things. Well, I frap to your comjibbut too, mungo.

Certainly I would never equate them with car maintenance but then I also did make them "with my own hands" as, quite clearly, a very different appendage was responsible!!!

More equivocation. I did not equate children to car maintenance or handicrafts. I included them in a short list that showed high value.

You started out okay, but then you drifted. HUGELY disrespectful and demeaning. Damn.

And another apology to all you Gifteans. Y'all rock. Really. I'm down with you.

Gifte out.



(And here we go again! This time I promise to be lighter about it. It's just that we'd gotten things calmed down, and someone has to go and kick over the apple cart again.)

* - A certain very minor percentage of the population thinks in a demonstrably dfifferent fashion. Instead of linguistic thought, their brains process thought in a series of pictures. This leads to a different set of compentencies more often than not. The brain is neat stuff.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks, Netzach. That's probably the best thing I can do for closure's sake. Recognize that we weren't a match after all. Neither one of us is a bad person, just looking for different things and with different priorities... my husband and children being my top priority. I suppose any Dom worth his salt would not be comfortable knowing His sub is more concerned with her husband's pleasure than with His. I was naive to believe that he was okay with the openness. And, as you said, perhaps he wanted to be okay with it but couldn't handle it when faced with it as incontravertible fact.

I've said it before in earlier posts, but thank you... all of you.

*smiles*
~cbe

I have to disagree with the part I put in bold. Any mature person who tells you they are okay with you already being married and putting that person first is a wise one IMO. I've had the pleasure of knowing a few online Doms like that. If you both put all your cards on the table, get to really know one another and carefully consider than you have every right to expect a Dom will be okay with such a situation if they say they will.

Some online Doms really can be wise and intelligent, get what they want and keep the inherent limits in place without resentments. They might even delight in sheparding a submissive rather than fully owning them.

OTOH, some people, who may call themselves Doms or adults can become obsessive and immature in an online relationship.

Then there are those that Netzach mentioned who think they can handle something like a poly relationship but later find out, they simply can't.

Many online Doms have their own reasons why they remain online and don't require you meet in RL or have no other life.

 

[crying_blue_eyes]

a new day

Hey Y'all,
I am learning a lot by reading the posts here. All your advice along with a few days' perspective and time with my husband has made all the difference.

And to those who suggested waiting before going in search of another Dom; you are so right. To those who urged me to incorporate these submissive needs of mine into my marriage, I am beginning to think that you are even more so. It will take time, I know. And it won't be easy, I know that too. But I have found solace in the fact that the sudden disappearance of my online D, while painful, has opened an opportunity for me to refocus all of my energy, creativity and passion into the best and most important relationship in my life...my marriage.

Cheers...and thanks yet again!
~cbe

 

[ataxia.girl]

my submission is definitely not a "gift"... it is a big fat responsibility... His responsibility. i am glad he needs that responsibility and control as much as i need not to have it. i'm also very glad it gets us both off

 

[subwannabe]

Sorry, but I just don't have the time to read all of your responses so I will pretend I am the first one posting to your thread. I must admit to being a little confused. It sounds like you have a pretty kinky relationship with your husband so why is it that you need a dom. If your husband wasn't into it in the beginning, maybe he is coming around and can now be your real life dom instead of having an online dom. It sounds like your husband has been aware of what was going on so maybe he is willing to take the bull by the horns now.