Broken Hearted - my online Dom is furious with me

[Primalex]

I think everyone here is getting hung up on the word "gift". I don't believe Shivandragon meant to cheapen what a submissive has with their dominant. What he truly meant to say was that what a sub and a dom have with each other is special and anyone who claims themself to be a dom and not think what they have with their sub is special and not take their subs feelings into consideration and treat them with respect are the ones as you others have titled them "assholes"

a) Everything between two humans that requires mutual consent is "special" by definition. I don't see the difference between a dom and a sub and a husband and a wife. Is the relationship between husband and wife less special than the relationship between dom and sub? Between father and son? And let's face it: How "special" is it, when you do it with strangers in a chat room?

b) Being dominant and being an asshole is not antithetic. I will even say, being dominant requires a selfish and cold-hearted attitude to a certain degree (maybe not to my degree), because the very moment you fear to lose your sub, you lose control.

 

[ataxia.girl]

because the very moment you fear to lose your sub, you lose control.

At least the moment your sub suspects you have that fear yes.

 

[rosco rathbone]

That's where that heartfelt "my way or the highway" attitude comes in handy.

 

[ataxia.girl]

It sounds like you have a pretty kinky relationship with your husband so why is it that you need a dom.

ummmm

i am in a somewhat similar situation as the OP on this one i think and that is a tough question to answer. Just because the person you have been married to for a decade decides they can be a bit kinky for you doesn't mean your need to submit is automatically sated or even will be. For myself it just comes down to very different drives and needs. So yes he's willing to spank me and tie me up once in awhile... no he doesn't want to own me as his little girl.

But for me it has ended up being much more than that. i also got married young and had never been with anyone else. Now in my 30's with kids and a minivan i really want a little slice of my life that is just for me and that somehow fulfills all the wild oats i never sowed. i want a little space without him where i can do my own exploring and growing up.

In a very strange way my journey as a submissive is about escaping the patriarchy i have been under all my life. i want to choose this time for myself what kind of relationship i want. It is coincidental that the type of relationship i want happens to be a submissive one. i never chose to submit to God i was raised with. This time i decide.

i actually think many women my age experience the same sorts of yearnings and regrets. i keep meeting them. Sexual affairs may be the manifestation but for me at least it is about being an individual. my expression is sexual because my sexuality is such a big part of me.

i've been on this journey for almost 2 years now and my relationship with my husband has grown immensely. We've struggled as well. For awhile we threw ourselves into creating D/s at home. It was fun but i was still searching. Since coming to an understanding that i need to be my own person and that because of my sexual nature that has to include sex and perhaps not with him my heart has reached a state of calm. i feel very free because for a few days a month with my Daddy i am completely myself; completely His. Daddy has the emotional space to take care of me in that way.

Since i have calmed and am no longer searching the D/s at home has waned. It has waned because in the final analysis it isn't what he wants. Yes he enjoyed it and yes he was and is willing to do it but i need to be owned, to serve, to please and i can't do that knowing his Domination is FOR ME. It is directly at odds with my need to be completely owned.

Anyway... that is just my 2 cents on the matter. i will still always look forward to my spankings and whatever else at home but i am calm and peaceful because my Daddy owns me.

 

[intothewoods]

At least the moment your sub suspects you have that fear yes.

I would poo-poo this but women are really hard asses about needing to see self-confidence in their men. Generally speaking, of course.

 

[intothewoods]

ummmm

<snip> i also got married young and had never been with anyone else. Now in my 30's with kids and a minivan i really want a little slice of my life that is just for me and that somehow fulfills all the wild oats i never sowed. i want a little space without him where i can do my own exploring and growing up.

In a very strange way my journey as a submissive is about escaping the patriarchy i have been under all my life. i want to choose this time for myself what kind of relationship i want. It is coincidental that the type of relationship i want happens to be a submissive one. i never chose to submit to God i was raised with. This time i decide.

i actually think many women my age experience the same sorts of yearnings and regrets. i keep meeting them. Sexual affairs may be the manifestation but for me at least it is about being an individual. my expression is sexual because my sexuality is such a big part of me. </snip>

Interesting post. I can relate to some of this. I think there is something to the pressure we feel as women to get married and have kids, and then a sort of rebellion that happens a few years in. I have seen it in many different manifestations in different women friends.

 

[ataxia.girl]

That's where that heartfelt "my way or the highway" attitude comes in handy.

i get the freaky, irrational abandonment thing going on when faced with this attitude and i just freeze up and become useless but it does seem to work for many.

Daddy just says he has adopted me and i am His and i have no choice in the matter. He will make me His way. Somehow He makes it a non-issue. i can only guess but based on our beginning i think if i said i was leaving He would probably say we could be just friends knowing i would come back. To Him i am always His even if i get confused periodically. He is a true Daddy who would punish me to keep me safe and out of harm's way.

In my case though i have been with other men and in harm's way and it was very bad so He doesn't have to worry much about me running off. i already know i don't want that. Am already broken.

 

[rosco rathbone]

i get the freaky, irrational abandonment thing going on when faced with this attitude and i just freeze up and become useless but it does seem to work for many.

Daddy just says he has adopted me and i am His and i have no choice in the matter. He will make me His way. Somehow He makes it a non-issue. i can only guess but based on our beginning i think if i said i was leaving He would probably say we could be just friends knowing i would come back. To Him i am always His even if i get confused periodically. He is a true Daddy who would punish me to keep me safe and out of harm's way.

In my case though i have been with other men and in harm's way and it was very bad so He doesn't have to worry much about me running off. i already know i don't want that. Am already broken.

never back down~~~~never surrender~~~~~DOM 4 LYFE

 

[ShivanDragon00]

b) Being dominant and being an asshole is not antithetic. I will even say, being dominant requires a selfish and cold-hearted attitude to a certain degree (maybe not to my degree), because the very moment you fear to lose your sub, you lose control.

I must choose to both agree and disagree with you. Once more, i believe we must refer to the notion that this is different to everyone. Some Dominants are more nurturing than cold-hearted. some are more cold-hearted than nurturing. I believe yes, there has to be a certain degree of selfishness on a Dominants part, but that fear that you can possibly lose your SO i feel is an integral part of a relationship. If you dont fear that your SO (be it, sub, dom, husband, wife) could (if they chose) leave you at any time, then it would seem to me that you don't value them being around.

Simply said, if i said as a Dominant or a submissive, that i dont fear my partner leaving, would that lessen what i have with them?

OTOH i dont fear my wonderful Mistress leaving because i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she has no desire to....now if it was the case that i didnt know if she would or not, then i might be a little fearful.

I think the bottom line is both parties need to know they're needed by the other. That, to me, means knowing the other fears losing them.

This is, as always, just my opinion. It's intent is merely to generate conversation.

 

[ataxia.girl]

never back down~~~~never surrender~~~~~DOM 4 LYFE

Yep... i remember in the beginning after our first phone call i got kinda freaked out and wanted to take a few steps back. He told me "I have decided to adopt you, you can take as much time getting used to the idea as you want." He just carried on as if nothing had changed.

It worked

 

[ataxia.girl]

I would poo-poo this but women are really hard asses about needing to see self-confidence in their men. Generally speaking, of course.

i want to know His fear does not rule him. i think i can accept that He has the fear but i do not feel safe if i feel His fear is controlling Him.

A couple weeks after i met Daddy online but not in person yet i decided to be with someone else and tried to break it off with him. He tried to punish me for awhile but it was long distance and i was mad and wouldn't obey so He finally said okay but that we could still be friends. He knew i would come right back and i did. His lack of anger and desire to continue to be friends with me took me completely off guard and by the very next day i was His again. i think that was actually the moment i really became His. The first meeting just reinforced it.

i have zero fear my Daddy will abandon me no matter what i do. i've no need to test it so i don't.

 

[FurryFury]

If losing me wouldn't matter, then I would feel I don't either.

*shrug*

It's not sexy to me if I don't matter to him.

 

[Primalex]

If losing me wouldn't matter, then I would feel I don't either.

*shrug*

It's not sexy to me if I don't matter to him.

I think there is a huge gap between "not matter" and "fear". I was trying to come up with a good analogy, but I think a bad one has to be sufficient:

If I go to the cinema and watch a movie, I enjoy every second of it as long as it lasts and I'm really not fond of any disturbances. But I do not fear the end of the movie, although it means that my enjoyment is over.

 

[BiBunny]

There's a difference in desiring to maintain a relationship and pandering to the other person to insure that he/she won't leave. The former is the sign of a stable and mature relationship; the latter is just another form of manipulation. It's like the difference in a good man and a "nice guy." Most of us want good men. Very few of us want the self-described "nice guy" because he's almost always a whiny, passive-aggressive jackass who plays "nice" because he's trying to get into your pants, not because he's genuinely a good person.

 

[FurryFury]

Well put.

I like nice guys myself, but they can also be kinky and bad in many ways. What they can't be is what you said, whiny, passive aggressive jackasses.

There's a difference in desiring to maintain a relationship and pandering to the other person to insure that he/she won't leave. The former is the sign of a stable and mature relationship; the latter is just another form of manipulation. It's like the difference in a good man and a "nice guy." Most of us want good men. Very few of us want the self-described "nice guy" because he's almost always a whiny, passive-aggressive jackass who plays "nice" because he's trying to get into your pants, not because he's genuinely a good person.

 

[Netzach]

I would poo-poo this but women are really hard asses about needing to see self-confidence in their men. Generally speaking, of course.

I'm personally mystified by the phenomenon of marrying or getting into that romantic entangling kind of thing with one's slave for this reason, but that's my problem. My M/s is marked by a precarious, distanced, my whim, kind of thing. It's very much my way or the highway, or "just because." The people I've actually considered property are given to liking that kind of arrangement.

M is pliant and good giving and game, but he's definitely a pet more than a slave.

 

[nh23]

This is what I would assume as well.

In my own relationships, I am the one that gives the orders. Seeking such guidance from others, under virtually any sort of circumstance, will be looked on unfavourably by me. As a result, I can certainly understand why he would be angry if he's anything like I am.

--



What the fuck? While I won't argue with the statement that too many are fakes, what strikes you as "fake" about this? Why all this blame towards the PYL? What the hell did he do, except get lied to, and his control ignored?

This sort of play was not explicitly allowed, I assume, or the OP would have mentioned that fact. Asking other people to tell you what to do is offering yourself up as a plaything and submissive to others. In this case, random other people in a chat room. In a sanctioned and controlled environment, it could be a humiliating/liberating scene. Doing it on your own turns it into some sort of circus.

What you see as an "extraordinary rare gift" was being offered out on a random chat room to passersby. What is rare about that?

I'm not trying to crap on the OP when she is feeling badly, but this "submission is a rare gift" stuff is claptrap. Submissiveness is a personality trait. If you're submissive, it is as much a part of you as your hair colour. And it is not particularly rare. Lots of submissive people out there. Dominance is no special gift either, as there are plenty of forceful people out there. The special part lies solely in the functional beauty of the dynamic created together.

I can find an ass to beat anywhere. The rare part is the person attached to that ass that inspires me to keep them.

In this case, the pyl went completely outside her established dynamic, and invited control from outside parties. I get zero impression from her post that this was an accepted behaviour. Calling the PYL a fake because he got angry when his control was ignored and his submissive went outside their dynamic is ludicrous. Ask the wife who is angry because her husband cheated on her if she is a fake.

--

To the OP, I hope things improve, but don't set your heart on this fellow returning. Trust is difficult to build, and a hundred times more difficult to rebuild once shattered. Consider it a lesson hard-won, and try to move on.

*claps*

Maybe by treating the individual as a person, worthy of respect? I don't know. Radical idea, I know.

/jumps out of "submission is a gift" debate before I say something I shouldn't

I believe we said all we needed to say in this huge thread here..LOL
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=556993&page=7

 

[Homburg]

I'm personally mystified by the phenomenon of marrying or getting into that romantic entangling kind of thing with one's slave for this reason, but that's my problem. My M/s is marked by a precarious, distanced, my whim, kind of thing. It's very much my way or the highway, or "just because." The people I've actually considered property are given to liking that kind of arrangement.

M is pliant and good giving and game, but he's definitely a pet more than a slave.

Part of it may be based around how you entered into the relationship, and expectations thereof. With H, from what I recall, there was never an expectation of anything other than slave, and he sought you out, right? A romantic entanglement would be counterproductive, and I can see why it would seem weird, again, from what I recall of that story.

In my own case, I became romantically entangled with a person first, and they became my slave after. And I don't say that as some sort of weird priority thing. It is a literal chronological course of events. With both viv and MIS, I became involved romantically, and the relationship morphed into M/s later.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm personally mystified by the phenomenon of marrying or getting into that romantic entangling kind of thing with one's slave for this reason, but that's my problem. My M/s is marked by a precarious, distanced, my whim, kind of thing. It's very much my way or the highway, or "just because." The people I've actually considered property are given to liking that kind of arrangement.

The 2 do not have to be mutually exclusive. Adding an element of
marriage or romantic entanglement can open a whole dimension of torture and emotional masochism that can be continually twisted and turned but which may go unexplored when the M/s is between 2 people who do not have an emotional (romantically) attachment involved which lends itself to such treatment alongside the more traditional aspects of M/s.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Part of it may be based around how you entered into the relationship, and expectations thereof. With H, from what I recall, there was never an expectation of anything other than slave, and he sought you out, right? A romantic entanglement would be counterproductive, and I can see why it would seem weird, again, from what I recall of that story.

In my own case, I became romantically entangled with a person first, and they became my slave after. And I don't say that as some sort of weird priority thing. It is a literal chronological course of events. With both viv and MIS, I became involved romantically, and the relationship morphed into M/s later.

I never said anything other than this being my own problem. I have no expectation that everyone else in the world have the same one.

 

[Netzach]

The 2 do not have to be mutually exclusive. Adding an element of
marriage or romantic entanglement can open a whole dimension of torture and emotional masochism that can be continually twisted and turned but which may go unexplored when the M/s is between 2 people who do not have an emotional (romantically) attachment involved which lends itself to such treatment alongside the more traditional aspects of M/s.

Catalina

This is quite true. It's even more excruciating when it's unidirectional.

 

[Homburg]

I never said anything other than this being my own problem. I have no expectation that everyone else in the world have the same one.

Oh, it doesn't strike me as a problem. Quite the contrary, as I know of other relationships like this. It's just a different way of structuring things. I was just thinking that part of it may have to do with the way the relationship came about.

 

[Puman]

Well put.

I like nice guys myself, but they can also be kinky and bad in many ways. What they can't be is what you said, whiny, passive aggressive jackasses.

Here here!

...and just sometimes the "nice" ones will suprise the holy crap out of you!

 

[FurryFury]

True! So true!

Here here!

...and just sometimes the "nice" ones will suprise the holy crap out of you!