Can someone "learn" how to be a Dom/me?

[A Desert Rose]

If you're going to straddle a fence with your butt, don't come complaining to me about splinters...

Good advice to all those fence sitters out there. LOL

As for me, I still fall on the NO side of this fence.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Re: Mr.Blonde

I think it would be most interesting to break this poll down by age and experience (either or both online and RT.) Although I don't know how that is possible.

I think there might be a very distinct difference noted in the responses.

Ah, the old age card. That is a game best left to those who still believe that growing age is always a prerequisite for maturity, wisdom, and experience.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Mr.Blonde

Ah, the old age card. That is a game best left to those who still believe that growing age is always a prerequisite for maturity, wisdom, and experience.

Please don't put words in my post that you have no idea if I intended or not.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Re: Re: Re: Mr.Blonde

Please don't put words in my post that you have no idea if I intended or not.

Please don't assume I'm putting my words in your mouth. Age is an issue that pops up frequently.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Mr.Blonde

Please don't assume I'm putting my words in your mouth. Age is an issue that pops up frequently.

And the opinion of one who is 45 is not alway more right than that of a 22 year old.

But that does not make the difference any less interesting.

And I never quoted your any of your posts. You did mine.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mr.Blonde

And the opinion of one who is 45 is not alway more right than that of a 22 year old.

But that does not make the difference any less interesting.

And I never quoted your any of your posts. You did mine.

Oh, insinuations abound! *chuckling* My point has just been proven. Thank you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mr.Blonde

Oh, insinuations abound! *chuckling* My point has just been proven. Thank you.

I'm not insinuating anything. I made a statement.

I don't do passive/agreesive. Perhaps you do since you think you can see it, even when it's there it's not. LOL

 

[MechaBlade]

So if you consider someone who is above 25 years old and has already settled into a longterm vanilla relationship, what are the odds that they have strong dominant tendencies that have previously gone undetected or unfulfilled?

Subs may learn that they are switches.

"Vanillas" will sometimes dominate.

Dominant people can become dom(me)s.

Vanillas (unless they learn something about themselves that they've repressed) generally don't become doms.

But people that ask this question and are asking about their partners just need to ask the PERSON and see if they are willing to experiment.

 

[MissTaken]

I believe you can teach someone to behave like a Dominant. However, you can't teach them to be Dominant.

It is either an intrinsic part of who they are, or not.

 

[Alt]

I believe you can teach someone to behave like a Dominant. However, you can't teach them to be Dominant.

It is either an intrinsic part of who they are, or not.

Agree, although a relationship can evolve to the point where both can freely switch. Let me emphasize freely as that will nurture growth.

 

[MissTaken]

Agree, although a relationship can evolve to the point where both can freely switch. Let me emphasize freely as that will nurture growth.

Agreed.

Their motivation for switching may only have to do with pleasing one another.

This, versus, "being" Dominant or submissive. The essence of who they are, may not change.

 

[Netzach]

If the motivation for a person wanting to learn Dominance is to please a submissive partner who's direly in need of Dominance, ONLY....

it's not going to work. Not that I've ever seen. It's totally ass-backwards, for one thing.

If they are trying to learn Dominance and more about their own self as a Dominant and a Top, yes it can be learned. Motivation is a big piece of it.

A submissive partner can awaken an interest, but pleasing them cannot be the only interest.

 

[Shadowsdream]

If the motivation for a person wanting to learn Dominance is to please a submissive partner who's direly in need of Dominance, ONLY....

it's not going to work. Not that I've ever seen. It's totally ass-backwards, for one thing.

If they are trying to learn Dominance and more about their own self as a Dominant and a Top, yes it can be learned. Motivation is a big piece of it.

A submissive partner can awaken an interest, but pleasing them cannot be the only interest.

Fact!

 

[FungiUg]

I tend to agree as well.

Hmmm... if we are going to be all agreeable and stuff, maybe we can do it at the top of our voices? Otherwise people might think we get along!

 

[LunarKitten]

My Two Dinars....

Yes, someone can "learn" how to be Dominant or submissive. Does that mean they will like what they do to or for their partner? Not always. Some will just go through the motions and not get a thing out of it, but do it because it's what the person they love wants from them.

 

[Kajira Callista]

sounds kinda submissive to learn to be dominant to please another person.

 

[LunarKitten]

sounds kinda submissive to learn to be dominant to please another person.

There's a point in that

However, it could also just be vanilla trying to be kinky to save the relationship. Doesn't always work, but you have to give them an A for effort. (Well, effort and not totally freaking out and leaving.)

 

[FungiUg]

sounds kinda submissive to learn to be dominant to please another person.

Yes... and no. Part of a dominant's motivation is intrinsic (I believe). I.e. they are out to please themselves by having a submissive serve them.

But in addition, part of it is extrinsic. I know in my case, I get a great deal of pleasure about pushing a submissive's buttons, making her fantasies into realities and so on. It's an amazing feedback loop. So I like to think I'm not completely selfishly motivated.

Of course, I won't mention that when I do that with a submissive, it's because of the huge ego gratification that comes from knowing I can fulfill fantasies. So in reality it really IS all about me. But you don't need to know that.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Yes... and no. Part of a dominant's motivation is intrinsic (I believe). I.e. they are out to please themselves by having a submissive serve them.

But in addition, part of it is extrinsic. I know in my case, I get a great deal of pleasure about pushing a submissive's buttons, making her fantasies into realities and so on. It's an amazing feedback loop. So I like to think I'm not completely selfishly motivated.

Of course, I won't mention that when I do that with a submissive, it's because of the huge ego gratification that comes from knowing I can fulfill fantasies. So in reality it really IS all about me. But you don't need to know that.

i already did know that

 

[MissTaken]

If the motivation for a person wanting to learn Dominance is to please a submissive partner who's direly in need of Dominance, ONLY....

it's not going to work. Not that I've ever seen. It's totally ass-backwards, for one thing.

If they are trying to learn Dominance and more about their own self as a Dominant and a Top, yes it can be learned. Motivation is a big piece of it.

A submissive partner can awaken an interest, but pleasing them cannot be the only interest.

*nods head*

Exactly.

But, the learning can happen.

 

[MissTaken]

sounds kinda submissive to learn to be dominant to please another person.

If that is the ONLY reason, that is exactly what it is.

However, that is the difference between "being" Dominant and "behaving like" a Dominant.

 

[Netzach]

There's a point in that

However, it could also just be vanilla trying to be kinky to save the relationship. Doesn't always work, but you have to give them an A for effort. (Well, effort and not totally freaking out and leaving.)

More than an A. I don't like this scenario, from inside the community and from something therapists friendly to us often think of as "aha, success!" when they get a marriage to that point.

The vanilla spouse has every right NOT to be turned on. It's important to realize that relationships involve compromise, but nobody's sex life should be a concession to someone else in order to keep them, which is what that is. We all deserve better.

 

[FungiUg]

[...]nobody's sex life should be a concession to someone else in order to keep them, which is what that is. We all deserve better.

Agreed again!

I know, having been in the situation where I had a choice between continuing a relationship but compromising on the sexuality, or ending the relationship, I chose to end the relationship. After all, part of what makes a relationship worthwhile is the passion and spark that comes from the sexuality. And if that's not working... what's the point?

 

[Esclava]

I am in the batch that believes Doms, subs and Switches are born. Once the urges are uncovered and identified, the GOOD Dom/mes "learn" what they have to know to make them the best they can be.

Esclava

 

[rakastuja]

Typical questions: How can they activate the other person's interest in BDSM? How can they get them to "take charge" in the bedroom? How can they awaken this sleeping giant?

My opinion: While I hope their relationships work out, I honestly have always thought they are wasting their time. I can't imagine someone with a Dom/me mindset needing any encouragement or help bringing things out in the open.

Not everyone will like being Dom. Its a part of personality what you like and what you dont.

However for many vanilla people, being dominant is all about funny looking fetish clothes, stupid movie-like lines and just something totally turn off. I consider myself as submissive but I have also understood what things would be nice in dominating. I think most people have both sides to some extent - just waiting to be awaken.

I think you can learn to see what is the exciting in some sex area (its not same for everyone of course).

And about dominating person should not need encouragement... I think that applies only to one kind of dominance. Power can also be scary thing. Maybe someone who likes to dominate, utterly hates idea of other being meek slave and thus do not seek to dominate. Seeing that the guy can be a knight in shining armor doing what you want instead can easily make you want it too - even if you have always found those leather dressed dominatrix examples more like repulsive.

Also I have met people who like the idea of fight instead of just one sided domination. They like to have a bit contest and fight first and then win - kind of force other to submit. If the other wont fight back they lose their interest in dominating totally.