Canada from Eh to Zed

[midwestyankee]

An excerpt from Ian & Will Ferguson's "How to be a Canadian"...



Population

There are 30,000,000 people in Canada – all of whom have, at some point, frozen their tongues to the side of a chainlink fence or flagpole. Even though their mothers told them not to. Indeed, at any given time of the year, it is winter somewhere in Canada and someone, somewhere, is stuck to a flagpole. “Hap me, hap me. Thumbuddy pwease hap me.”

Average I.Q.

See above.

I guess my Canadian roots go higher than my feet.

 

[Keroin]

I guess my Canadian roots go higher than my feet.

Hee.

 

[Keroin]

More from the Fergusons. In this segment...How to Insult a Canadian.

Below is a list of regional insults and epithets. These are the VERY WORST THINGS you can possibly call someone. Simply employ these japes and watch the fun begin!

On the West Coast: "tree hugging"; "granola munching"; "Commie"
In Western Canada:"red-neck"; "fundamentalist"; "Nazi"
In Toronto: "not from a world-class city"
Anywhere else in Canada: "Torontonian"
In Quebec (when addressing English speakers): "tȇte carrée", "maudits Anglais"
In Quebec (when addressing French speakers): "Canadian"
In the Maritimes: "Newfie"
In Newfoundland: "Maritimer"

 

[midwestyankee]

More from the Fergusons. In this segment...How to Insult a Canadian.

Below is a list of regional insults and epithets. These are the VERY WORST THINGS you can possibly call someone. Simply employ these japes and watch the fun begin!

On the West Coast: "tree hugging"; "granola munching"; "Commie"
In Western Canada:"red-neck"; "fundamentalist"; "Nazi"
In Toronto: "not from a world-class city"
Anywhere else in Canada: "Torontonian"
In Quebec (when addressing English speakers): "tȇte carrée", "maudits Anglais"
In Quebec (when addressing French speakers): "Canadian"
In the Maritimes: "Newfie"
In Newfoundland: "Maritimer"

Whatever happened to "hoser?"

 

[Keroin]

Whatever happened to "hoser?"

That's so 80's.

Or was it 90's?

No matter, we have evolved since then. Other good insults include "Rig pig" for Albertans, and "Ice back" is a good general insult for all Canucks.

 

[Keroin]

I know that Canadian politics compared to the politics of our southern neighbours is kind of a snorefest but, hey, we have our moments...

Former Member of Parliament, and breast cancer survivor, Belinda Stronach

 

[Rad'l]

Thanks for the laughs

I stumbled on this thread accidentally and then - had to start at the beginning and read all 10 dam pages. Thanks for the insights. I thought that I knew a bit about our Northern Neighbors but there were a few things new to me.

Good on you!

 

[Keroin]

I stumbled on this thread accidentally and then - had to start at the beginning and read all 10 dam pages. Thanks for the insights. I thought that I knew a bit about our Northern Neighbors but there were a few things new to me.

Good on you!

Welcome Rad'l and good on you, too!

5 bonus points and a bottle of maple syrup for reading all 10 pages!

ETA: I lived in Key Largo briefly. Is Florida still as stinking hot as I remember it? Are the key lime pies still as deliciously limey?

 

[Keroin]

Reason #57 Canada is a swell country

In 2005 Canada enacted the Civil Marriage Act, making us the fourth country in the world and the first in the Americas to recognize same sex marriage. In reality, same sex marriage was legal for about 90% of our population in 2003, and in some provinces as far back as 2001.

In fact, in 2002 my brother-in-law tied the knot with his male partner.

We, Canada, seem to be doing OK. Same sex marriage has not caused Armageddon and our children have not been corrupted. Life goes on, except that for gay men and women it goes on a little more fairly.

 

[midwestyankee]

Reason #57 Canada is a swell country

In 2005 Canada enacted the Civil Marriage Act, making us the fourth country in the world and the first in the Americas to recognize same sex marriage. In reality, same sex marriage was legal for about 90% of our population in 2003, and in some provinces as far back as 2001.

In fact, in 2002 my brother-in-law tied the knot with his male partner.

We, Canada, seem to be doing OK. Same sex marriage has not caused Armageddon and our children have not been corrupted. Life goes on, except that for gay men and women it goes on a little more fairly.

Yes, but hasn't all that gay marriage caused a drop in quality of poutine? I've heard that rumour, you know.

 

[Keroin]

Yes, but hasn't all that gay marriage caused a drop in quality of poutine? I've heard that rumour, you know.

Shhh, I had everyone convinced!

 

[midwestyankee]

Shhh, I had everyone convinced!

Which leads to a very important inquiry: where to go to get the best and most authentic poutine?

 

[Keroin]

Which leads to a very important inquiry: where to go to get the best and most authentic poutine?

Nowhere west of Ontario.

Seriously, not a food we consume out west. Kind of makes me gag just looking at it, actually. My guess would be Montreal but I'll wait for some Eastern Canucks to confirm that one.

 

[midwestyankee]

Nowhere west of Ontario.

Seriously, not a food we consume out west. Kind of makes me gag just looking at it, actually. My guess would be Montreal but I'll wait for some Eastern Canucks to confirm that one.

I passed on an opportunity to try some poutine when I was in Toronto last fall on the basis that it might be better chez les Habs.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

You have money called the loonie, that is terrific

 

[wicked woman]

Reason #57 Canada is a swell country

In 2005 Canada enacted the Civil Marriage Act, making us the fourth country in the world and the first in the Americas to recognize same sex marriage. In reality, same sex marriage was legal for about 90% of our population in 2003, and in some provinces as far back as 2001.

In fact, in 2002 my brother-in-law tied the knot with his male partner.

We, Canada, seem to be doing OK. Same sex marriage has not caused Armageddon and our children have not been corrupted. Life goes on, except that for gay men and women it goes on a little more fairly.

Aren't we fabulous...although I might suggest it was higher than #57. O Canada!

*I'll leave the humor to Yank *

 

[Keroin]

Like this...wanted to share.

"It Gets Better" Canada

Believe or not, I didn't know that Uncle Rick was gay. Hm.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

...snip...


You went to Winnipeg?? Are you fucking nuts??!!!

...snip.



Merci beaucoup WW!

I was so happy when I saw this thread...was reading with interest until THIS.



Not every 'pegger is nuts, yanno.

 

[Keroin]

I was so happy when I saw this thread...was reading with interest until THIS.



Not every 'pegger is nuts, yanno.

I hang my head in shame at my slandering of Winterpeg. What was I thinking?! I mean, you guys have...um...wheat. Yeah, lots of wheat. I think of you every time I eat bread. And let's not forget your #1 export - Ukrainian dance troupes. Hey, hey, not everyone can boast that, (or wants to, but that's beside the point).

AND Manitoba is the birth place of legendary game show host Monty Hall!!!

Wow, I've been so blind. To apologize, I will personally deliver a crate of BC smoked salmon to you.

As soon as the snow is gone

In July.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

I hang my head in shame at my slandering of Winterpeg. What was I thinking?! I mean, you guys have...um...wheat. Yeah, lots of wheat. I think of you every time I eat bread. And let's not forget your #1 export - Ukrainian dance troupes. Hey, hey, not everyone can boast that, (or wants to, but that's beside the point).

AND Manitoba is the birth place of legendary game show host Monty Hall!!!

Wow, I've been so blind. To apologize, I will personally deliver a crate of BC smoked salmon to you.

As soon as the snow is gone

In July.

I'll see you in July. Bring your warmest jacket. We know how you folks from B.C fair in coolish temps. I wouldn't want you to freeze to death.

You can slam Winterpeg all you like. Just sayin we aren't all nuts.

Besides. You are amusing.

 

[Keroin]

I'll see you in July. Bring your warmest jacket. We know how you folks from B.C fair in coolish temps. I wouldn't want you to freeze to death.

Winnipeg in July. I'm all ready!

You can slam Winterpeg all you like. Just sayin we aren't all nuts.

Besides. You are amusing.

Oh stop, you flatterer! (10 bonus points for gratuitous flattery).

Actually I have a friend who is originally from Winnipeg and is an avid water skier. She has fond memories of waiting eagerly for the water skiing season to begin and there being ice chunks still on the lake for the first few runs.

Um...you're sure you're not all nuts?

Kidding. Love ya neighbour!

 

[Keroin]

You know you're from BC if...

During a dinner conversation this past weekend, I realized that one of the defining qualities of BC'ers is that everyone - with the possible exception of shut ins and those who live in Yaletown - has a bear story. The more remote you live, the more stories you have, but even suburbanites have tales of black bears wandering through the back yard.

To be considered a "true" British Columbian, you must have been within twenty feet of a wild bear at least once in your life. And you must laugh derisively at those who are skittish about bears, even if,during your one bear encounter you had a near mudslide in your pants.

Here are some actual snippets of conversations I have participated in recently:

"I didn't know there was such a thing as a silver grizzly until the 'stump' charged us."

"I couldn't understand why they were yelling 'the mayor's in your yard!'. Why would the mayor be in my yard? Later I realized they were warning me that a 'bear', not the mayor, was in my yard. Luckily I was drunk."

"When I came out, I saw a grizzly humping my Miata. (It was spring). He did a surprising amount of damage."

"There is something fundamentally disturbing about coming home to a pair of giant, muddy paw prints on your sliding glass door."

 

[Rad'l]

Thanks for noticing me eh?

Welcome Rad'l and good on you, too!

5 bonus points and a bottle of maple syrup for reading all 10 pages!

ETA: I lived in Key Largo briefly. Is Florida still as stinking hot as I remember it? Are the key lime pies still as deliciously limey?

Sorry for the delay but I'm a bit erratic in my reading.

And yes, Florida can be more than stinking hot. OTOH our winters are quite enjoyable and I can ride my motorbike all year 'round. The summer heat is one of the reasons that I visit the Great White North.

Key Lime Pie can vary with the kitchen that produces it - so I'm reluctant to generalize. Some are great, some are so-so.

 

[Keroin]

Build a Damn Fence!

This just in...

From The Manitoba Herald

by Clive Runnels

Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

 

[midwestyankee]

This just in...

From The Manitoba Herald

by Clive Runnels

Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

It was Myron Floren. Now, can I come in, please?