Changes in Who You Are

[Velvet Bubbles]

This is my first time ever posting on this Board. I don't know you Shy Slave, nor do I profess to understand your situation. -- I just lost a job that I'd had for just over two years. This job has been so stressful (mainly due to my supervisor) that I've started to lose interest in pretty much every aspect of my life. Even reading, and that's always been my number one passion. I have no motivation to get anything done. And I'm a huge perfectionist. It's like I'm fading into non-existance. It's gotten so bad that my mom made me go to the doctor and get on anti-depressants. I've been suicidal at least since I was 10. That's the first attempt I remember anyway. Mom says I was born with this depression. There's some chemical imbalance in my brain that nothing seems to fix. At least nothing we've tried so far anyway. I can tell you some of the coping mechanisms that have worked for me in the past. Keep yourself busy so you don't have time to think about what's bothering you (works until you go to bed anyway). Dancing & fencing. The physical activity is supposed to increase endorphin levels. And there are a number of natural products you can try that are supposed to help you get out of funks. You just have to (carefully & with a dr's ok) try stuff until you find something that works for you. -- As for the rage, fencing is the only thing that ever helped with that. Because even though you're not trying to actually hurt the other person, it's still a fight and you can get rid of a lot of agression that way. But I've been stuck living in the middle of nowhere for the last three years with no one to fence with and the anger just keeps building. Whacking at fence posts with a stick only does so much. lol -- Not sure if any of my rambling will help. I hope it does. Do feel free to PM me if you need a hug or an ear or anything I can help you with. I've had too many people try to help me over the years to not try & help someone else out. (I just hope my post doesn't freak anyone out.) I analyze everything to death too. But use it to your advantage. Learn what your triggers are and what calms you and use that knowledge to find some balance. Mood swings are normal according to the shrinks I've seen. Best wishes, hon.

 

[FluteMaster]

your response really made me think.

it is difficult to reconcile those things within us that we 'in daylight' might rather not see or be- like your dominant tendencies. I too am/have struggles with this. Certainly those things from our pasts like religion and family try to guide us/shape us... but ultimately we have the power and the choice to shape our destinies- and i find i am more than willing to steer the course.

Exactly -

And thank you for the positive thoughts.

 

[shy slave]

Lots of things to think about on here.

It does seem some of you think the changes in me are temper or will pass at some point.

I have stopped believing that to be true, and started to figure out who I am now.

I find time and again that I end up in situations where I have no idea what my emotional response will be or how I will react. It seems I am learning those things all over again.

For those of you who do not know me, these changes have crept up on me since 2005 when my son drowned in an accident. He was 18 at the time.
I have net been on anti-depressants since he died (I have not felt I have needed them, yet), but I have not ruled out that I may need them at sometime in the future. I do not lack motivation it just comes in fits and starts. Equally I am not low all the time; it creeps up on me; lasts anything from an hour to three days and dissipates.
Nor have I felt suicidal although much of the reason for that is because I have a younger son. I could not contemplate how it would mess up his mind if I considered it would be better for me to be with a dead son, instead of live one.
I can be mentally hard on myself, and this attitude is an example of that.

I am sure this is all part of grieving, but it was not a part I expected. As part of my job prior to my son’s death I have seen people die, counselled their families and been on hand for them to talk to. I don't recall anyone saying their personality changed to such an extent. That maybe because they choose not to share it.

Thankyou to those of you who have shared your experiences and talked of your methods for coping.
All your comments are appreciated.

 

[graceanne]

Lots of things to think about on here.

It does seem some of you think the changes in me are temper or will pass at some point.

I have stopped believing that to be true, and started to figure out who I am now.

I find time and again that I end up in situations where I have no idea what my emotional response will be or how I will react. It seems I am learning those things all over again.

For those of you who do not know me, these changes have crept up on me since 2005 when my son drowned in an accident. He was 18 at the time.
I have net been on anti-depressants since he died (I have not felt I have needed them, yet), but I have not ruled out that I may need them at sometime in the future.

I don't know if this applies to you, but depression doesn't always show itself in the stereotypical ways. The first thing my mothers counselor did when she got sober was put her on antideppresants. My mother was shocked, because she didn't think she was depressed she thought she was angry. At any time my mother can't afford her meds, or runs out, her depression doesn't EVER show itself in the normal ways, it's always anger.

I do not lack motivation it just comes in fits and starts. Equally I am not low all the time; it creeps up on me; lasts anything from an hour to three days and dissipates.
Nor have I felt suicidal although much of the reason for that is because I have a younger son. I could not contemplate how it would mess up his mind if I considered it would be better for me to be with a dead son, instead of live one.

Good. *hugs*

I can be mentally hard on myself, and this attitude is an example of that.

I am sure this is all part of grieving, but it was not a part I expected. As part of my job prior to my son’s death I have seen people die, counselled their families and been on hand for them to talk to. I don't recall anyone saying their personality changed to such an extent. That maybe because they choose not to share it.

Thankyou to those of you who have shared your experiences and talked of your methods for coping.
All your comments are appreciated.

I have a quick question - these people you counseled, was it immediately after the death? Did you counsel them for years? Would you know how they were several years later?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I just never seem to have anything of substance or value to say anymore.

So I'll just add like everyone else, I'm just sorry for what you're going through. You obviously have good and loving friends who want to be there for you. And maybe in helping others through their grief, you're helping yourself, too. As I said, I seem to do better helping others than indulging in my own little, petty problems.

(Not to say that your situation is petty or little. It's not. But in comparison to what you've been through, MINE really is.)

 

[Andraste]

now i just keep thinking about that bloody harry potter!

 

[shy slave]

now i just keep thinking about that bloody harry potter!

I swear it was my tears on your boobs during Harry Potter that made them grow into what they are today.

Every cloud and all that!!! lol

Thank you ADR and Gracie. Your thoughts mean alot ADR, compared to what you are going through, minor personality changes are a small issue.
Gracie I have counseled people in a professional capacity as either 'one offs' immediately following a death, or over a long period of time when I was managing care homes in which they were resident. I am not sure that the timing is relevant, people react to things in different ways at differen times.

I think this thread has really run its course.

I never wanted to be allabout my issues I wanted to know if other people had this or a similar kind of transformation in their personality.

 

[Andraste]

interesting that other people have one, stable personality...

*watches the sane people with interest*

...variety is the spice of life?

 

[A Desert Rose]

interesting that other people have one, stable personality...

*watches the sane people with interest*

...variety is the spice of life?

Where did I ever say I was sane or stable? I do have one personality, it does however have several facets.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I swear it was my tears on your boobs during Harry Potter that made them grow into what they are today.

Every cloud and all that!!! lol

Thank you ADR and Gracie. Your thoughts mean alot ADR, compared to what you are going through, minor personality changes are a small issue.
Gracie I have counseled people in a professional capacity as either 'one offs' immediately following a death, or over a long period of time when I was managing care homes in which they were resident. I am not sure that the timing is relevant, people react to things in different ways at differen times.

I think this thread has really run its course.

I never wanted to be allabout my issues I wanted to know if other people had this or a similar kind of transformation in their personality.

Nope. Sorry to disagree with you but nothing compares to losing a child. Nothing.
I can't even fathom how that feels or what you've gone through.

 

[poppy1963]

Oh my....I read your whole first post ShySlave...and am so grateful to have found it, and you, who still has the energy to describe such a state. LOL. Though not exactly the same, of course, I've gone through such a similar experience over the last few (several?) years and it has turned my stable life upside down and spiraling in such strange ways I never could have imagined... ever. The changes in who I am and how I exist are so profoundly different from how they were like 4 - 5 years ago it daily almost startles me...I know that everything changes and has to change but dayam...

I am very interested in reading the responses here...I've taken all the "recommended" treatments and therapies and went to all kinds of groups and a therapist I respected (having been a therapist, and a good one for 2 decades, that says alot...I know good/not so good when I see it!)...and all these things helped for a time at least slow down the process that has led me to my current state...but eventually these things became more an annoyance than a help...as they weren't really helping anymore...despite the best efforts of the providers...not their fault...just the nature of this Beast me thinks.

Anyway, I am very interested in reading all the responses here...but am restless and it's hard to pay attention some days/moments/weeks...lol. I am going to print them out, make some fresh coffee and try to read through some more from my bed. I skimmed some and the word "acceptance" seemed to stand out for me in a few at least...so since I have been writing about "learning to ALLOW" things to be as they are, that word rings true to me when I try to grasp what has been happening and how to manage it.

Acceptance...acceptance....

There are outcomes looming here that are not acceptable......but as likely as any other to happen. Hmmmmmm...not sure what do make of that piece...I don't know how to fix things anymore and I doubt these things are fixable...so what next? That's my question. That's the ultimate terror of it. What will happen next? How can I explain this? As you see, sitting here and "analying" it myself...I can present the case rather lucidly...but lucid is far from how I am or feel...so...what next?

Sighs...ok...Lemme see if I can remember how to set these things up and print it...It's things like that that escape my remembering how to fix stuff. I can't seem to put the steps in proper order or something. LOL...and so I just keep making a list and trying to figure out which thing to do next.

So far, I just haven't figured out where to proactively really START the "crisis intervention" on my own behalf...but I suppose sooner or later someone will show up again and help me do it or...one of those unacceptable options will take place. What will happen next? I surely don't know. Sighs...

This coffee will taste good though...of that much I am certain. Ok...here goes.

...and THANK YOU!

 

[Recidiva]

The main insight that I have about my emotions is that they're generated by my brain chemistry often. I no longer feel as attached to them as I used to. Seems some lever gets hit and I'm flooded with "sad."

Okay. I'm sad, but I don't look for the reason why I'm sad. Sometimes it's just feeling it, and it's gone. Like an emotional breeze. It's just like weather.

In fact, with my cycle of migraines, depression, and severe PMS along with other fun doohickies in my brain, I stopped trusting my emotional reactions at all.

In fact, for a while there, I became completely detached from my emotions. It was helpful. It's a bit like Zen training where you realize...your thoughts, your emotions, you don't have to agree with them, you can just let them go without being attached.

Now I tend to wait for trends to make themselves clear. I'm upset? Might be hormones, might not. I might be getting a migraine, I might not.

My solution is patience, with the way I'm put together, with the ebb and flow of brain chemistry.

My brain chemistry is not me. There's not always a trigger. It can just be hormonal storms and weather, I retreat and wait it out. I don't curse the skies or identify with the storm. I let it pass. When it's safe, I come out. I don't get upset unless I have a clear pattern that I understand and I have logically established. I don't take things so personally. Despite my wild variations in brain chemistry and pain...I'm pretty stable because of the distance I can manage from my own variations, and how I can use my will while the sun shines to do some good.

 

[shy slave]

interesting that other people have one, stable personality...

*watches the sane people with interest*

...variety is the spice of life?

It is a sad state of affairs in that I see you and ADR as the most sane, stable people I know.

Maybe I am a lost cause

 

[shy slave]

Nope. Sorry to disagree with you but nothing compares to losing a child. Nothing.
I can't even fathom how that feels or what you've gone through.

I say the same line back to you, you have been a wonderful friend.

As for your many facets, well that is because you are a diamond

 

[shy slave]

Oh my....I read your whole first post ShySlave...and am so grateful to have found it, and you, who still has the energy to describe such a state. LOL. Though not exactly the same, of course, I've gone through such a similar experience over the last few (several?) years and it has turned my stable life upside down and spiraling in such strange ways I never could have imagined... ever. The changes in who I am and how I exist are so profoundly different from how they were like 4 - 5 years ago it daily almost startles me...I know that everything changes and has to change but dayam...

I am very interested in reading the responses here...I've taken all the "recommended" treatments and therapies and went to all kinds of groups and a therapist I respected (having been a therapist, and a good one for 2 decades, that says alot...I know good/not so good when I see it!)...and all these things helped for a time at least slow down the process that has led me to my current state...but eventually these things became more an annoyance than a help...as they weren't really helping anymore...despite the best efforts of the providers...not their fault...just the nature of this Beast me thinks.

Anyway, I am very interested in reading all the responses here...but am restless and it's hard to pay attention some days/moments/weeks...lol. I am going to print them out, make some fresh coffee and try to read through some more from my bed. I skimmed some and the word "acceptance" seemed to stand out for me in a few at least...so since I have been writing about "learning to ALLOW" things to be as they are, that word rings true to me when I try to grasp what has been happening and how to manage it.

Acceptance...acceptance....

There are outcomes looming here that are not acceptable......but as likely as any other to happen. Hmmmmmm...not sure what do make of that piece...I don't know how to fix things anymore and I doubt these things are fixable...so what next? That's my question. That's the ultimate terror of it. What will happen next? How can I explain this? As you see, sitting here and "analying" it myself...I can present the case rather lucidly...but lucid is far from how I am or feel...so...what next?

Sighs...ok...Lemme see if I can remember how to set these things up and print it...It's things like that that escape my remembering how to fix stuff. I can't seem to put the steps in proper order or something. LOL...and so I just keep making a list and trying to figure out which thing to do next.

So far, I just haven't figured out where to proactively really START the "crisis intervention" on my own behalf...but I suppose sooner or later someone will show up again and help me do it or...one of those unacceptable options will take place. What will happen next? I surely don't know. Sighs...

This coffee will taste good though...of that much I am certain. Ok...here goes.

...and THANK YOU!

Poppy, Thank you for posting and showing me I am not alone in such changes in my head.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts after you have read the other posts and drank more coffee.

 

[shy slave]

The main insight that I have about my emotions is that they're generated by my brain chemistry often. I no longer feel as attached to them as I used to. Seems some lever gets hit and I'm flooded with "sad."

Okay. I'm sad, but I don't look for the reason why I'm sad. Sometimes it's just feeling it, and it's gone. Like an emotional breeze. It's just like weather.
In fact, with my cycle of migraines, depression, and severe PMS along with other fun doohickies in my brain, I stopped trusting my emotional reactions at all.

In fact, for a while there, I became completely detached from my emotions. It was helpful. It's a bit like Zen training where you realize...your thoughts, your emotions, you don't have to agree with them, you can just let them go without being attached.

Now I tend to wait for trends to make themselves clear. I'm upset? Might be hormones, might not. I might be getting a migraine, I might not.

My solution is patience, with the way I'm put together, with the ebb and flow of brain chemistry.

My brain chemistry is not me. There's not always a trigger. It can just be hormonal storms and weather, I retreat and wait it out. I don't curse the skies or identify with the storm. I let it pass. When it's safe, I come out. I don't get upset unless I have a clear pattern that I understand and I have logically established. I don't take things so personally. Despite my wild variations in brain chemistry and pain...I'm pretty stable because of the distance I can manage from my own variations, and how I can use my will while the sun shines to do some good.

All the bolded lines are that parts that really jumped out at me.

Thank you for this. It was what I was looking for. The knowledge that I can accept that this is not me, to wait it out and see if there is a pattern NOT to take it personally.

The line that talks of a lever, is exactly it. The lever is hit and I am sad, or emotional or upset or lost or empty; all without knowing why.


If I can get a grip of patience and not drive my head crazy whilst I wait it out, or figure out the pattern it would all be much easier.

Thank you

 

[poppy1963]

Poppy, Thank you for posting and showing me I am not alone in such changes in my head.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts after you have read the other posts and drank more coffee.

HOnest to God...lol...I figured out how to print it (easy) and just wrote on top: Looks like I'm not alone.

That IS a good feeling...and a sorry but interesting one one as well.

...Now, time to make that coffee.

I certainly WILL let you know if I think of anything new or whatever, shy slave. It is a truly maddening spot at times, isn't it? For me at least it is so.

 

[Recidiva]

All the bolded lines are that parts that really jumped out at me.

Thank you for this. It was what I was looking for. The knowledge that I can accept that this is not me, to wait it out and see if there is a pattern NOT to take it personally.

The line that talks of a lever, is exactly it. The lever is hit and I am sad, or emotional or upset or lost or empty; all without knowing why.


If I can get a grip of patience and not drive my head crazy whilst I wait it out, or figure out the pattern it would all be much easier.

Thank you

You're very welcome, if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know, I have a map. Okay, it's in crayon, but it's a map!

 

[shy slave]

HOnest to God...lol...I figured out how to print it (easy) and just wrote on top: Looks like I'm not alone.

That IS a good feeling...and a sorry but interesting one one as well.

...Now, time to make that coffee.

I certainly WILL let you know if I think of anything new or whatever, shy slave. It is a truly maddening spot at times, isn't it? For me at least it is so.

I did mean it when i said I looked forward to hearing your thoughts

Yes, it is a maddening spot. As well as annoying and a hundred other descriptions!

Sometimes it is a curiousity as well. It is a good time to do those online personality tests, the ones where they ask 'In this situation, would you do a,b or c?

I have to sit there and think 'Well I would have done this or that, but know I have no idea what i would do! lol'

Really messes up their stats lol

 

[shy slave]

You're very welcome, if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know, I have a map. Okay, it's in crayon, but it's a map!

A map, great

I understand the crayon thing.

Never trust a changing woman with a real pen, God knows what she will do with it!!!

 

[Andraste]

It is a sad state of affairs in that I see you and ADR as the most sane, stable people I know.

Maybe I am a lost cause

that is really fucking tragic!

i'm smart though...i know you're totally nuts.

's endearing & stuff.

 

[shy slave]

that is really fucking tragic!

i'm smart though...i know you're totally nuts.

's endearing & stuff.

LOL

That is probably one of the most true posts on the whole of Lit



Epecially the part about my being endearing
(does that include when I end up not coming for shiny things shopping )

 

[Andraste]

LOL

That is probably one of the most true posts on the whole of Lit



Epecially the part about my being endearing
(does that include when I end up not coming for shiny things shopping )

i suppose i might forgive you...



you need the magic chocolate truffles from the sweet shop in town.
all that distracting self examination just melts away with the greater truth of creamy chocolate goodness.

 

[poppy1963]

I did mean it when i said I looked forward to hearing your thoughts

Yes, it is a maddening spot. As well as annoying and a hundred other descriptions!

Sometimes it is a curiousity as well. It is a good time to do those online personality tests, the ones where they ask 'In this situation, would you do a,b or c?

I have to sit there and think 'Well I would have done this or that, but know I have no idea what i would do! lol'

Really messes up their stats lol

So glad you have a sense of the "curiousity" of it and a sense of humor about it all as well...these things HAVE helped me cope along the way to a large degree.

LOL...I haven't taken any of the "tests" online again for a while...that may be good for a laugh about it one day I'm feeling crapppy and afraid.

 

[shy slave]

i suppose i might forgive you...



you need the magic chocolate truffles from the sweet shop in town.
all that distracting self examination just melts away with the greater truth of creamy chocolate goodness.

Forgive me pleeaaaseeeee.

Or I will never cry magic ears on your boobs again

You are of course right, decent choc will make all my thoughts melt away