cheatin' subbie

[rosco rathbone]

5. I would force her to tell me with whom. Then I would beat this person up with an iron rod. Then I would drive back, sit in the living room and call the police that I might have killed someone and then let her watch how the police drags me away. And she would know that I didn't do this because I was angry and wanted to vent and that it wasn't her fault that I freaked out, but because I had told her before that she would ruin three lifes if she would ever cheat on me.

I call this one the "Hey Joe".

It's a traditional old school response to female infidelity.

I'm more inclined to use the death threat in case of bad divorce settlements.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Actually, that would be an overreaction.

Point taken.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Just to be completely honest to the spirit of the thread i should probably mention i have also cheated on Daddy. i told him right away after because i felt very bad but he says Daddies are forever and you don't stop loving a child just because they make a mistake.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Doms are threatened by a cheatin' subbie. It doesn't fit the BDSM gameplan at all.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Doms are threatened by a cheatin' subbie. It doesn't fit the BDSM gameplan at all.

Well they get sucked into the idea that more she pushes her limits for them, the more she gives them, the more wholly dedicated to them she is. That isn't always true. Look at the OP. The further she went down the D/s path, the crazier it got, the more likely it became that she would not be faithful, not the reverse as her "owner" may have supposed.

It is a fallacy many Doms succumb to. my sub lets me do x that she never did for anyone else or does y for me that she never did for anyone else therefore she is exclusively dedicated and bound to me. At some point she may feel the need to reclaim herself as an individual as her individual free will and uniqueness disappear in the relationship as a requirement to please her Dominant.

i tend to subscribe to the belief that the more someone submits to the more responsibility the Dominant takes on with regard to the fallout. Even the unintended fallout. This Dominant did things which reading between the lines feels like might have felt like a complete obliteration of her sense of self. The human spirit dislikes giving that up and there are consequences when you start playing that deep. There is elation and euphoria and a zen like sense of oneness to lose yourself in your dedication to your dominant but it is seldom felt every minute, all the time. The self can only vacate fleetingly before it returns and nags and insists and begs to be real and independent.

Threatening to kill her if she does x will not gain her love nor will it garner a dynamic where her spirit feels free to be itself within the relationship.

 

[Primalex]

I call this one the "Hey Joe".

It's a traditional old school response to female infidelity.

I'm more inclined to use the death threat in case of bad divorce settlements.

Ah, a simple death threat has no style. Anyone can come up with this.

 

[rosco rathbone]

The old "limitless=dedication" fallacy.

 

[nh23]

My thoughts are always this. If you find out your S.O. is cheating the first question should be why is he/she so unhappy. People happy in their relationship rarely cheat.

 

[Primalex]

My thoughts are always this. If you find out your S.O. is cheating the first question should be why is he/she so unhappy. People happy in their relationship rarely cheat.

And then what?

If the priority is to cheat instead of talk, I'm with the wrong person. The first question is where is the box for her clothes, the second one is how to prevent this with the next girl.

 

[nh23]

And then what?

If the priority is to cheat instead of talk, I'm with the wrong person. The first question is where is the box for her clothes, the second one is how to prevent this with the next girl.

Maybe the thought should have been how to prevent it with the current girl.

 

[Primalex]

Maybe the thought should have been how to prevent it with the current girl.

A bit too late without a time machine.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Maybe the thought should have been how to prevent it with the current girl.

That doesn't necessarily apply with someone who is fickle by nature.

 

[nh23]

A bit too late without a time machine.

Yeah, hindsight and all that. But since we're talking about the topic we could all think about our relationships. Realize to make sure we're paying attention to our S.O.'s emotions etc, etc..

 

[rosco rathbone]

Ah, a simple death threat has no style. Anyone can come up with this.

True, yours does have a certain "Cops"/"don't take him away" flair.

 

[ataxia.girl]

And then what?

If the priority is to cheat instead of talk, I'm with the wrong person. The first question is where is the box for her clothes, the second one is how to prevent this with the next girl.

Can someone explain to me how serial monogamy is better than a single long term, stable, relationship where there may occasionally be partners on the side? i do not consider serial monogamy to be equal to fidelity.

i mean... i like the idea of my grandchildren being able to visit their grandma and grandpa at the same house on Christmas. i like the idea of living a full life full of interesting relationships but still sitting on the porch when i'm 80 holding hands with the man who took my virginity.

All i want is to lead a full life. i am not interested in chasing perfection with a series of partners i am monogamous with one at a time.

 

[Primalex]

Can someone explain to me how serial monogamy is better than a single long term, stable, relationship where there may occasionally be partners on the side?

I don't know, I'm poly. But who said that fucking around with allowance is cheating?

 

[ataxia.girl]

That doesn't necessarily apply with someone who is fickle by nature.

Am not!



i am just unwilling for my ENTIRE life to be about one person. i am unwilling to be yoked with the responsibility of meeting all of their needs for their remainder of their lifetime and i am unwilling for one person to bear the responsibility of meeting all of mine of the remainder of mine but i am equally unwilling to accept that this means i cannot have a single overarching relationship which spans early adulthood through old age.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I don't know, I'm poly. But who said that fucking around with allowance is cheating?

Well for me its about autonomy and the unwillingness to give it up at 35 because i said "yes" at 23. If he is involved in the decisions about who\what\when\where and gives his consent i do not gain the autonomy i seek.

i cannot get out from under the patriarchy by asking for its permission.

 

[JMohegan]

Sexual infidelity makes most guys go haywire. I'm interested to see the reaction of doms to this idea.

1. I would go pout and never talk to her again.
2. I would put the fear of god in her but then forgive her.
3. I would castigate myself for my lack of domination skills. After all, it must be my fault she cheated on me, right?

Am I leaving any out.

Oh yeah...
4."My sub would never do anything like that."

This is like asking what you would do if you discovered your partner had been embezzling funds from her place of employment, or moonlighting as a CIA assassin, or secretly a member of a religious cult, or writing the script for Beck or something.

My answer is 4, with a twist. I would never be in a committed relationship with someone, if I believed she would ever do any of those things. Certainty that she wouldn't is a prerequisite for the relationship itself. If faced with proof that I had been wrong in my judgment, well, that's what the front door is for. I can't imagine being angry, or pouting, or castigating myself for making her unhappy. Just stunned at my own blindness, I guess.

Honestly, though, this really is something I find unimaginable. It's hard to know how you'd really react to something like that, unless and until it actually happens.

 

[rosco rathbone]

This is like asking what you would do if you discovered your partner had been embezzling funds from her place of employment, or moonlighting as a CIA assassin, or secretly a member of a religious cult, or writing the script for Beck or something.

My answer is 4, with a twist. I would never be in a committed relationship with someone, if I believed she would ever do any of those things. Certainty that she wouldn't is a prerequisite for the relationship itself. If faced with proof that I had been wrong in my judgment, well, that's what the front door is for. I can't imagine being angry, or pouting, or castigating myself for making her unhappy. Just stunned at my own blindness, I guess.

Honestly, though, this really is something I find unimaginable. It's hard to know how you'd really react to something like that, unless and until it actually happens.

This is my point. People don't want to deal with this idea. I find that endlessly amusing. Isn't this a gaping hole in our domliness, this idea that we can't even consider the humiliating possibility?

Not to single you out as in denial, but you know what I mean.

 

[ataxia.girl]

my Husband handled it with grace. He has never seemed more dominant to me. i have zero doubt that i can count on him. Interestingly enough a few months after my declaration he made the comment that he trusted me more than he ever had because he finally knew i was with him because i wanted to be and not because i felt obligated to be.

We all go into relationships with the ideal in mind but years and mortgages and children and religion change things. i am not the same person i was at 23. i do not have the same values even, which perhaps is just a testament to not getting married young but i am proud of he and i and our ability to work through things and continue loving each other even though we are now very different people.

Hell i am proud of both me and the OP for reclaiming a piece of life just for ourselves. Some women do it with a hobby but when your sexuality is the core of who you are it is hard to reclaim a slice of self that does not include sex.

i know why the Doms are upset by this. They want full ownership but by cheating she is denying it.

my Daddy deals with it by completely re framing what it means to own me. He owns me as a father does a child. Care and concern far outweigh feelings of personal jealousy when there is a mistake.

 

[Netzach]

5. I would force her to tell me with whom. Then I would beat this person up with an iron rod. Then I would drive back, sit in the living room and call the police that I might have killed someone and then let her watch how the police drags me away. And she would know that I didn't do this because I was angry and wanted to vent and that it wasn't her fault that I freaked out, but because I had told her before that she would ruin three lifes if she would ever cheat on me.

There are way way easier ways to get that hard prison assfucking.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I don't really like ultimatums...they are a sign of weakness in my opinion. They seem strong but there's a brittleness to the strength.

 

[Primalex]

Well for me its about autonomy and the unwillingness to give it up at 35 because i said "yes" at 23. If he is involved in the decisions about who\what\when\where and gives his consent i do not gain the autonomy i seek.

It's not the involvement that determines if it's cheating or not, it is the consent about your actions. If he understands what you are doing, then it's not cheating and so doesn't fit to the OP example.


Of course, it opens a rather theoretical debate what freedom really is? If I remove the collar, it was my action that did it and your freedom is due to my permission - and any thought of freedom is merely illusion. Or even more philosophical: If you would really have the freedom of the spirit, you could decide to not fuck around with other people and thus would be more free than someone who is driven by his/her emotions to feel freedom.

 

[Netzach]

I don't really like ultimatums...they are a sign of weakness in my opinion. They seem strong but there's a brittleness to the strength.

Bingo. I learned this when I gave one once. I was like ohshit...don't go looking for that.


I run my life that whoever makes the ultimatum, you lose. It works well. No one's dumb enough to issue one yet.