Cheating?

[knightstalker]

Dont do it buddy I was married and had a family I was happy but had the same problem my ex wouldnt try to do amything to make our sex life more ecxiting..I ended up at a work party drinking with the older lady who did payroll..I thought her to be out of my leauge but as the night wore on i ended up in bed with her and had one of the most intense sexual experiances i ever had..The only problem my ex found out about it and i have been alone now for 2 years and miss my family life ..I know sex is one of the greatest things in the world but a good women who loves you and a family is alot more satisfying..Just my two cents

 

[huskie]

Re: Huskie

Does your wife know that you frequent LIT? Just wondering. I am in a situation very similar to yours. I have said that my wife would have made a great Nun. I love her with all my heart. I too am still looking for the answer to unlocking her Sexually. I have yet to find that key but I am looking everyday. She knows that we are not where I would like us to be but she is trying. If I come across something that works I will let you know as well as share it with the rest of Lit. I would hope that you would do the same for us. Good luck and know that you are not alone!

HMC

I agree. My wife is on her way to becoming "The Church Lady". If you find an answer then yes please let us know.

 

[SexyChele]

Huskie, I'm confused. At first, your post sounds as though you are having thoughts of cheating. But by your last line, you seem to be asking how to tell if she is cheating on you. Just a bit of confusion, here...

As for me, I've never been married. But I have had a number of long term relationships, including one that lasted 7 years. (Hey, longer than some marriages! ) In that relationship, he cheated on me a couple of times. When I found out, I was devastated. I know it wasn't about the sex, cuz I wanted it more than he did and I was much "kinkier" than he. He ended up telling me no one woman could ever satisfy him. Period. He broke off the relationship by calling me on Thursday evening and telling me he didn't think I should call him anymore. He had met some one and she was moving in with him the next day. Complete devastation for me.

(Well, I did get my revenge when, 6 months later, she admitted that the sight of him naked made her phsyically sick. When he called me asking if he could come back, I took immense pleasure in telling him I had already found another man.)

I've also played the role of the "other woman". That is no fun, either. At first everything is fun and new. You keep it light, don't get overly involved - perfect. Then the wife finds out. The phone calls start. She's crying on the phone, asking me why I'm so intent on breaking up her marriage. When she feels he is at my apartment, she calls and when I answer, puts their 5 year old son on the phone to ask if his "daddy" is there. Then comes the jealousy - from him. I go away for a weekend, he gets angry, accuses me of cheating of him. (Yeah. Go figure the irony in that one!) Before I know it, what was supposed to be something that "didn't mean anything", has effectively altered and destroyed no less than 5 lives. (mine, his, his wife, their 2 children)

I see men write on here that to cheat "just for sex" is okay - nothing wrong with it. One day retribution will come. One day their wives will find out or take no more, and a decision will have to be made. And that decision affects more than the 2 people having sex, believe me.

Oh, and the married man I was cheating with? After I broke off the relationship, he easily slipped into another relationship.



Now. I have a question for all those who are married who say their spouses don't like sex. I have such difficulty with this. I could understand that reasoning back when pre-marital sex was something never done. Okay, well, almost never done. But, by and large, most couples today had some sort of physical relationship with their spouse before marriage. Was there no indication then of what was to happen? I know with the married man I cheated with, there were BIG warning signs that his wife's sexual appetite didn't match his - she went along with what he wanted to do, but he always had to talk her into it.

When I asked him this question, he said he felt she was playing "hard to get", and besides - she was the only woman who said she loved him. And, the big one, her family was very wealthy, and he figured he'd be living on easy street in a few short years. (That didn't work out when his wife's family business went belly up.)

So, I'm just curious. If you look back honestly, can anyone say that their spouses behavior today was apparent before marriage?

 

[huskie]

Wew....... SexyChele. you said and asked a lot. I'll try to answer.

I'm a little confused with my wife. She has not only changed the amont of sex she wanted sense we got married but the quality has suffered greatly as well. i.e. I'm wanting things to get a little more kinky and shes wanting less than what we started with...... so i worry "maybe she doesn't find me attractive enough, anymore to realy enjoy sex with me muchless move our level of sex up a knotch or to...." maybe she finds somebody else more attractive???
I'm not a sexy guy (always called cute). I'm only 5'-3" tall, 150lbs (not fat at all). I'v started back working out in the gym (it's killing me, cause I cant work out like I used to) and have put on some more mucle mass.

do I want to cheat????? Not NO but HELL NO!!...... But, god damnit!!!!! I want to fuck her and more important I WANT HER TO WANT ME TO FUCK HER!!!!! I want all that kinky stuff, anal sex with her , talking dirty... stuff like that.... just me and her. I don't think thats asking something out of line after 8.5 yr's??

I'v said before I'll probly never cheat on her...... it's to much work on top of all that you mentioned in your post.... but the lack of kinky or good quality sex with my wife makes me fantizes more and more...... thus I'm here on this board.

huskie

 

[Guest]

So, I'm just curious. If you look back honestly, can anyone say that their spouses behavior today was apparent before marriage?

For what it's worth--no.
In my marriage, sex went from pretty good and pretty frequent(although not very adventurous) before marriage, to....

....this is the way you have to do it and not so frequent (example: I love, just love blowing a woman, but she made it a chore)...

...to 1x per year after the kids were born....

...to zero now. She is my best friend, best snuggler, teller of dirty jokes, says she loves me---but no sex.


From what I hear from both my male friends and my female friends, this is not uncommon.

I don't believe an 'ultimatum' will work. This is one reason that while cheating is a bad idea, I don't condemn it as much as I used to.
Timeus

 

[Timeus]

That was me

Sorry, literot logged me out.
Timeus

 

[SexyChele]

Huskie,
I have to applaud your honesty. Not many men would be so willing to expose themselves as you have. That raises you a few notches in my book, for what it's worth.

I can certainly understand the concept that, after a certain amount of time, sex can get rather boring. I know with the man I was with for 7 years, after about 3 years it was "ho-hum, yeah, hon, I know - assume the same ol' position and it'll be over in 3 mins. Well, okay, an exageration!

But there is something to be said for "comfortable sex" as well. You know, doing things that you know your partner will like. Yeah, sure it can be exciting when a relationship is new, but then, sometimes it is great when your partner already knows and you don't have to say, "No, not there, here" or "Do it this way" or "That's too hard/fast/soft/etc". I think a healthy combination is best.

I don't know what to offer except to talk. I would be honest with your wife. Tell her you would never cheat, because you love her, but you are really dissatisfied with your life sexually, and it may lead you into situations that you would rather not be involved in. (does that make sense??) Ask her if she is happy, or if she needs a change. Try to compromise with her - highly romantic sex for a little kinky stuff. (btw, I'm not sure what you mean by "kinky", but some women are turned off because they feel it involves pain and/or humiliation - just something to think about)

I'm not saying tell her if she doesn't give you what you want that you will cheat. No. But be honest with her. Tell her your mind drifts, wanders, and you don't want that, cuz she still rocks your world.

I'm not sure, but I think if I had a husband who came to me, telling me he was thinking of cheating and/or fantacizing about other women, and the solution would be to talk dirty to him during sex, I think I would opt for talking dirty. At least, I hope I would.

I would also try to see if there is additional stress in her life at the moment - kids, work, home? Maybe she feels should have accomplished more in life at this stage than she has? There could be hundreds of different reasons why her sexual appetite has changed - and none of them having anything to do with your appearance.

Don't know if I was of much help here, but thanks for answering my question. And I do wish you the best, Huskie. You seem like a very nice man. (And, for me, "nice" is a very good thing!)

 

[SexyChele]

Re: That was me

Sorry, literot logged me out.
Timeus

Thank you, Timeus - I appreciate your answer!

Huskie, I'm sorry if it appears I'm highjacking your thread. Maybe I should start a new one?

 

[jyd]

you should ask her specifc question such as do i arouse you any more? if no did i ever what are you looking for sexually in this relationship if nothing rezolves of the situation ask her what you you should do to fufill your needs but dont take it lying down stand up and fight for yourself, because if your not happy whats the point.


jyd,

 

[curious74]

Think to this: Just for sex she should be humiliated? Because if you cheat you became a shame for her!!

 

[huskie]

you should ask her specifc question such as do i arouse you any more? if no did i ever what are you looking for sexually in this relationship if nothing rezolves of the situation ask her what you you should do to fufill your needs but dont take it lying down stand up and fight for yourself, because if your not happy whats the point.


jyd,

done that. Her responce is "I don't want that or I don't want to do that". then I say "Why?" her "I just don't want to".
I don't let myself get mad with her anymore about it. I just say o.k. and leave it at that.
It's weird?? I tried to get her let me try the "Multiple Orgasum via the G-Spot rub down thing" and she did not want to try it? What woman does NOT want to have multiple orgasums????

she confusses me.... even after all this time.

 

[SexyChele]

done that. Her responce is "I don't want that or I don't want to do that". then I say "Why?" her "I just don't want to".
I don't let myself get mad with her anymore about it. I just say o.k. and leave it at that.
It's weird?? I tried to get her let me try the "Multiple Orgasum via the G-Spot rub down thing" and she did not want to try it? What woman does NOT want to have multiple orgasums????

she confusses me.... even after all this time.

Huskie, if it's not too personal, can you tell me what it is that you are asking for? Truly, what might be considered "light kink" can be considered by some women as being demeaning and/or humiliating. If I knew what you were asking for, I might be able to tell you how your wife is looking at it.

That is, if it isn't too personal.

 

[dreamer]

I think the key issue here is Communication. I mean this is the woman you want to get all old and wrinkly with. This is the person who apparently loves you enough to say I want no one else ever. Just talk to her.

I know from personal experience how scary that is, how terrifying it is to actually talk about fears, and inadequacies (imagined and real) ESPECIALLY with someone you love. But the fact is it's not optional. Maybe a conselor that is trained in opening those communication channels between people would prove useful.

So many things go unsaid. So many things we ASSUME they understand or 'read between the lines' Take your initial post...and your follow up post and read them to her. Be honest and ask, no beg for the same honesty from her. Maybe the sexual issues are only the result of communication issues?

Good luck!!

 

[alphacat]

Cheating is never a good idea. It's not about the sex- it's about promises. You promised her (I'm assuming) monogamy, and you need to live by that. Better communication, possibly through therapy, would likely improve your sex. It's possible that she has some other issues that are reducing her desire - depression, stress, etc. And if this doesn't help, don't get tangled up in a relationship with someone else. That will be emotionally messy and I doubt your wife could forgive that. If you really want sex that badly, get a whore.
Honestly, I'm a fan of open relationships - I have a really hard time being physically monogamous with someone (I'm just too horny ), and with an open relationship, it's not a breach of trust to have sex with other people, as long as it's just physical.
BTW, this was my first post! Eee!

 

[lilpriss]

ok, huskie... here's the deal. The real deal. Your wife sounds like something is holding her back...

Who knows??? She may want it to be better as much as you do... she may also have a lttle submissive side to her. She may want you to take CONTROL. If you always give in to her every time then she may have lost some respect for you.

If she's not wanting sex at all she may very well be having an affair.

Women are just as sexual as men but are usually afraid to admit it because they don't want to seem like sluts... The women on this site should be applauded for their openness to sex...

I read a book at a very young age called, "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday. It's basically a study of women's sexual fantasies... I highly recommend that you buy that book for your wife.... BUT! YOU read it. Find a fantasy in it that is relatively tame... remember, she won't want whips and chains overnight... and then READ it to her... there are tons to choose from. If she's EVER read a romance novel I know you can find a fantasy in that book that will turn her handle... And once you get her interested, she'll want to read the whole book. It actually made me realize how normal it is to masturbate and fantasize... the fantasies are writtten by reall women and sent in. I think She even asks for submissions at the end.

Getting her to open up to you is the first thing you need to do because obviously you don't want to cheat. Cheating hurts everyone... trust me I know.

It may be that your wife just thinks that once married you "just don't do that" anymore. or she may be ashamed of her sexuality... lots of things factor in... just try and don't give up I truly believe that everyone has a kink... My ex hated dirty talking... but loved to give a spanking... you just have to explore til you get there...

and you may find that you can't live that way...

 

[It'sasecret]

Huskie I so feel for you. I have the same problem with my husband. If you do a search here you will find my whole saga. I posted here over a year ago with the same problem. I am sad to say it has only gotten worse. I have flat out told him I am unhappy, but he does nothing to try to improve. In fact he continues to pay $30 a month for nudy site and not touch me! I told him how much the site bothers me but I guess he does not care enough to cancel. Now it is not that he is looking at porn that bothers me. He could look at it all day IF he also wanted me but that is not the case. Anyway it is a long story our problems. I am also coming very close to cheating.(with a girl!) He has hurt me so badly with all of this I almost don't care. I am sorry I don't have advice or better news.

 

[Guest]

Huskie I so feel for you. I have the same problem with my husband. If you do a search here you will find my whole saga. I posted here over a year ago with the same problem. I am sad to say it has only gotten worse. I have flat out told him I am unhappy, but he does nothing to try to improve. In fact he continues to pay $30 a month for nudy site and not touch me! I told him how much the site bothers me but I guess he does not care enough to cancel. Now it is not that he is looking at porn that bothers me. He could look at it all day IF he also wanted me but that is not the case. Anyway it is a long story our problems. I am also coming very close to cheating.(with a girl!) He has hurt me so badly with all of this I almost don't care. I am sorry I don't have advice or better news.

My heart goes out to you, itsa...Please don't cheat yet...it won't help. Is there a reason you are staying married? Do you love him anyway? Does he want out/ Does he like you otherwise? Kids?
R.V.

 

[It'sasecret]

The real sad thing is that we have only been married a year and a half. The problems were there before we got married, they have just been getting worse. No, kids are not involved yet. Can't have kids if you don't have sex! I do love him, but I am starting to think I love him but I am not IN love with him. He treats me good otherwise. Although I say good, it is not what it should be. He does not treat me bad by any means, but he does not make me feel special like he should. I don't know what to do.

 

[huskie]

up date

weel. nothing new. I don't and will probably never cheat on my wife.
but, here it is 2:00 am and I'm down here posting on this board while she is up stairs asleep. I was out of town last night. you would think she would have wanted to snuggle some??? I don't want to make her do anything. I want her to WANT to do something..... like act like she wants me.

 

[lilpriss]

Damn huskie... I feel for you. Sounds like you love her intensely.

 

[Spenser41]

Re: up date

weel. nothing new. I don't and will probably never cheat on my wife.
but, here it is 2:00 am and I'm down here posting on this board while she is up stairs asleep. I was out of town last night. you would think she would have wanted to snuggle some??? I don't want to make her do anything. I want her to WANT to do something..... like act like she wants me.

Huskie
I know just what you are going thru. There were times I had been out of town, I had tried to be romantic when I came back or came home for work and did things to help with the kids and help with the cleaning. I even gave her massages, drew baths for her. Did just about anything I could think of, to only go to bed and she did not want to do anything. Sometimes she did not even want to snuggle. Many times I would get up so frustrated and watch tv, or later sat and talked to people on line. I tried to talk to her but it was like hitting a brick wall. I kept thinking it was me. Something wrong with me. Maybe I was not good enough or maybe I had put on too much weight. The one thing I did not push was seeing a counselor. I wish I had. As I said the marriage finally fell apart and it was not until after the marriage ended that I found out she has been abused. You HAVE to get her to sit down and talk to you. Tell her how this is eating you up. Tell her how you feel. DO NOT ATTACK HER! Do not BLAME IT ON HER. Just tell her how it makes you feel and ask her ... have I done something wrong or not doing right? Suggest to her that something needs to change and maybe you should go to counseling. Please do that and do not cheat. It will only blow up in your face. Work it out and talk it out.
That is the only way.

 

[Pdxmwm]

Cheating vs Loving Affairs

There are so many related things here, cheating, self denial, curiosity, physical needs, emotional bonding, family commitments, personal pride, ego, and many many more. I think we’d all agree our needs as individuals change as we change, and we can’t help changing. Each birthday brings about physical change, and each interaction, or personal experience, can bring about emotional change. Another factor, a person’s tastes change with experience; I didn’t know I hated liver till I tried it, I also didn’t know I liked oysters till I tried them. Sometimes I think we’re better off in our ignorance, but then, that’s not our nature.

I’m on marriage number 3, the first was ruined by my wandering, the second by my wife’s curiosity and wandering. My current marriage has survived for more then 22 years, with no end in sight. Having said that, I’ll also admit to “cheating”.

My answer surely isn’t right for everyone, and I expect I’ll be flamed for my admissions and suggestions, but I think it’s possible to satisfy your physical needs, and still be a responsible spouse and parent. Sex is a damn poor thing to build a marriage on, and sexual differences are a damn poor reason to risk ending one.

Discussions with your spouse about sexual likes and dislikes are great, but when your preferences or needs differ widely; I think it’s dangerous to push one and other to conform to your wishes. For instance, if you like oral, or anal sex, and your partner finds it distasteful, she/he may perform out of love or a sense of obligation; however, every occurrence will chip away at your relationship. One party will end up feeling guilty, and the other imposed upon. The same thing is true regarding sexual frequency, especially when individual needs differ widely.

In my case, my current wife lost all interest in sex about the time she entered menopause. There were several contributing factors including the loss of a child, and a new baby in the house. Add to that, the physical strains of work, as well as the financial strains of trying to make ends meet, and you have a wonderful recipe for a sexless marriage.

It took some time, a lot of soul searching, and several missteps to find something that has worked for me. I wasn’t ready to say good-by to my sex life, but neither did I want to subject myself, or my family to the pain of a divorce. There was still an abundance of love in our marriage, just no sex.

For me, the right answer was to find someone in a similar situation, that’s what I did, and it’s been very successful. The search required honesty from the start, and an approach that is just backward from how you might look for a lifetime partner. Rather then having sex become an outgrowth of friendship, sex was the initial goal. The search for my “special friend” took longer, and was more difficult then I had imagined. It’s not that there weren’t opportunities, but I needed someone who shared my commitment to family life, and also had no plans of changing hers. Besides commitment, stability, and emotional security, I also needed to find a partner who was sexually compatible, and had the time and opportunity to devote to this type of relationship.

I think you can tell by now, that I wasn’t looking for a “quickie”, a “fling”, or a “one night stand”, I wasn’t looking for an excuse to end my marriage, but a way to support it. Yes, I found my “special friend”, and the results have been more than I had hoped for. What started as a sexual union between two needy people, has become more then a friendship. The understanding and respect for our individual commitments has allowed each of us to be physically and emotionally satisfied, without the guilt associated with most adulterous affairs.

Are our spouses aware of what we are doing? I doubt it, we certainly don’t advertise our relationship, nor do we take unreasonable risks. We’re not able to be together as often as we would like, but the anticipation and the remembrances of those times, adds to our lives. Yes there are risks when you decide to stray from monogamy, but of all the possible choices, this has been the best compromise for me. On second thought, I suppose you could say, there is still monogamy in my life, just not in my marriage.

I'm not advocating cheating or having an affair; however, for any of you considering that choice, I recommend a few hours spent reading Love Affairs : Marriage & Infidelity by Richard Taylor.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1573921289/ref=pd_cp_nsr_b_3/103-9624356-2621422

 

[peeeepers]

I agree with Pdxmwm. From my experience as a woman, when you have young children or even older ones you get emotionally exhausted. They just drain you. If you could get the Grandparents or Aunt and Uncle to take the kids for a weekend and let her get a nice afternoon of resting or napping,you might see a difference. Take her out to dinner by yourselves and tell her you enjoy her company alone and don't need other people around too. Bring her flowers. Just try the romance that you must have used when dating.
Now that three of my kids are grownup and the one left is a teenager I am starting over and ready to be loved because the kids aren't here to be so demanding. I take herbs for menopause and feel sexually "revived". Hope I helped you.

 

[Timeus]

One man's experience so far

I'm going through the same experience with my wife. Post kids--no sex.

We've spend the last 4 or 5 months in marriage counseling with a remarkable woman. My wife had talked about it and talked about it, hinting darkly at 'issues' (my character flaws, of course). Anyway, I had enough, was very sexually frustrated and tired of her complaining and treating me like a brother or stable-mate. Same thing as Spencer41--do all this nice stuff, nothing happens.

So I took the bull by the horns and found a marriage counselor, set up the appointment. It was tough, but hey that's why men have leather balls.

So the counselor got all my character flaws on the table (several thousand --but I got my say in, too. And I changed a bunch of my behaviors (example: I was always waking up in what she perceived as a bad moood, and never realized it--yelling at the kids, etc.) But counselor also found some family background issues that my wife had--to the counselor's eternal credit she was fair as well as insightful.

Anyway, the two of them went to work on them. She changed, too--example, got a lot more supportive of how I related to the kids.

Now in the last few weeks there has been a remarkable change. But I knew I had to get all this relationship stuff fixed up first before addressing sex. I knew that if I confronted wife with "sex" first, that would be just another reason for her to be defensive. When we finally had nothing to talk about, wife brought up our lack of sex on her own!

So now we are starting a sex therapy program based on a better relationship. If you want, I'll keep you posted on the progress. So far looks good, but, hey, more promising stuff has turned out bad in the past.

Just my experience.
Timeus

 

[It'sasecret]

Timeus. please keep us updated. I have been thinking of going the counceling route too. I would love to know the in and outs of your sessions if you care to share. Thanks!