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Itsasecret, you have a PM.
Cheating?
- Thread starter huskie
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acquiescent1
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- Joined
- Mar 31, 2002
- Posts
- 2
cheating
i'm in the same situation. My husband doesn't have the same desires/cravings that i have. He knows this, has even tried Viagra to make me happier. Like others, i love my husband to death and don't want to cheat. i made a commitment and plan on keeping it. BUT... what i do for myself is: i have lots of sex toys, a phone lover *waves to him* & an online lover that keeps me satisfied as best they can. I know it's not like "the real thing" BUT... i don't cheat and i am much less frustrated than i was and when i ask for it less... he seems to want it more.
i'm in the same situation. My husband doesn't have the same desires/cravings that i have. He knows this, has even tried Viagra to make me happier. Like others, i love my husband to death and don't want to cheat. i made a commitment and plan on keeping it. BUT... what i do for myself is: i have lots of sex toys, a phone lover *waves to him* & an online lover that keeps me satisfied as best they can. I know it's not like "the real thing" BUT... i don't cheat and i am much less frustrated than i was and when i ask for it less... he seems to want it more.
Pdxmwm
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2002
- Posts
- 203
Re: cheating
This is such a complex issue; for both men and women, the situation can be related to lack of sexual desire, or a physical incapability. Deeper then that, both can be caused by exhaustion, tension, psychological issues, hormonal imbalance, medicinal side effects, or fear of failure. How you address the issue really depends upon the cause. A physical exam is a good place to start; but be sure his exam includes a blood screening for testosterone level. It it’s too low, he just won’t have the desire for sex, and Viagra won’t address that. (A woman desire is also affected by her testosterone level.). Viagra only works when there’s desire and stimulation.
If the desire to satisfy you is there, the performance issue can almost always be solved. You might want to follow the current Viagra thread under “How To”; both you and your husband may feel free to email me with questions. I’ve been there, and would be happy to relate my experiences. pdxmwm@hotmail.com
acquiescent1 said:
This is such a complex issue; for both men and women, the situation can be related to lack of sexual desire, or a physical incapability. Deeper then that, both can be caused by exhaustion, tension, psychological issues, hormonal imbalance, medicinal side effects, or fear of failure. How you address the issue really depends upon the cause. A physical exam is a good place to start; but be sure his exam includes a blood screening for testosterone level. It it’s too low, he just won’t have the desire for sex, and Viagra won’t address that. (A woman desire is also affected by her testosterone level.). Viagra only works when there’s desire and stimulation.
If the desire to satisfy you is there, the performance issue can almost always be solved. You might want to follow the current Viagra thread under “How To”; both you and your husband may feel free to email me with questions. I’ve been there, and would be happy to relate my experiences. pdxmwm@hotmail.com
Last edited:
Re: Re: cheating
I just want to second this advice--take it! One: physical. Two: Psychological.
I would just emphasize, that if your man is feeling stress or down or defeated because of work particularly, this is enough to create total lack of desire.
Also (and I apologize in advance) if he feels you are bitching or nagging during the day or there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction from you (in my case it was unhappiness about how I was stressing the kids), he just won't be able to get it up at night. This has to be addressed! Nobody feels loving towards somebody who is constantly (or perceived to be!) constantly critical.
I find that the daytime wears on a relationship. Most of that is erased by a good night's sleep and a fresh day. So try something in the morning.
That being said (and you can ask him, "do you feel constantly criticized?"--this may be must the opening he needs)--there is probably a good reason for your criticism and you deserve to have that addressed, absolutely!
And--if it isn't addressed it's just going to get worse as the resentment builds up in you. That will make you more critical, bitchy, nagging,and make his cock shrivel. And that will drive you first to girlfriends (for chatting and complaining) and then to another man (or woman).
The fact that he wants you more when you don't act like you want it is a very good sign. It means that underneath he wants you. Playing hard to get can be good--some men don't want what they can have.
So check out the stressors in his work life. If they're there you've got to make him believe that You are more Real than That.
Good luck. Pulling for ya.
T.
Pdxmwm said:
I just want to second this advice--take it! One: physical. Two: Psychological.
I would just emphasize, that if your man is feeling stress or down or defeated because of work particularly, this is enough to create total lack of desire.
Also (and I apologize in advance) if he feels you are bitching or nagging during the day or there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction from you (in my case it was unhappiness about how I was stressing the kids), he just won't be able to get it up at night. This has to be addressed! Nobody feels loving towards somebody who is constantly (or perceived to be!) constantly critical.
I find that the daytime wears on a relationship. Most of that is erased by a good night's sleep and a fresh day. So try something in the morning.
That being said (and you can ask him, "do you feel constantly criticized?"--this may be must the opening he needs)--there is probably a good reason for your criticism and you deserve to have that addressed, absolutely!
And--if it isn't addressed it's just going to get worse as the resentment builds up in you. That will make you more critical, bitchy, nagging,and make his cock shrivel. And that will drive you first to girlfriends (for chatting and complaining) and then to another man (or woman).
The fact that he wants you more when you don't act like you want it is a very good sign. It means that underneath he wants you. Playing hard to get can be good--some men don't want what they can have.
So check out the stressors in his work life. If they're there you've got to make him believe that You are more Real than That.
Good luck. Pulling for ya.
T.
I'm not sure, when he hit about 18 he slept with a lot of women in a short amount of
My husband cheated on me. I was devastated. If this guy is a cheater, marriage won't change him. You two are already in a pattern. He cheats. You forgive. You get back together. He knows that if he acts guilty enough that you will accept him back. His guilt is for convenience. "Yeah, I feel bad for doing what I do, so that excuses my behavior." He is just talking a good game. It will not stop. He will just get better at the lying, the manipulating of your feelings, and his rationalizations and justifications. I am sure if you followed up with his other friends you would find out that his behavior was the same. How can you believe him, when he has already lied so much. It's ok to love him, but love and honor yourself more. You deserve better and there are guys out there who won't cheat on you. Marriage is a big step and it's even harder to tow the line with someone who is a cheater. Your actions will speak louder than words. Staying with him is saying that it is ok what he is doing. With his behavior your love for him in time will be bitterness and resentment.
My husband cheated on me. I was devastated. If this guy is a cheater, marriage won't change him. You two are already in a pattern. He cheats. You forgive. You get back together. He knows that if he acts guilty enough that you will accept him back. His guilt is for convenience. "Yeah, I feel bad for doing what I do, so that excuses my behavior." He is just talking a good game. It will not stop. He will just get better at the lying, the manipulating of your feelings, and his rationalizations and justifications. I am sure if you followed up with his other friends you would find out that his behavior was the same. How can you believe him, when he has already lied so much. It's ok to love him, but love and honor yourself more. You deserve better and there are guys out there who won't cheat on you. Marriage is a big step and it's even harder to tow the line with someone who is a cheater. Your actions will speak louder than words. Staying with him is saying that it is ok what he is doing. With his behavior your love for him in time will be bitterness and resentment.
G
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Therapy Update
Here's the first update.
Our counselor had us do the first week of the Masters and Johnson technique for libido restoration. Every evening you are supposed to spend 15 minutes each touching each other's bodies. This is for the pleasure of the touch-er, not the touchee. No talking, no kissing, no genital contact. First one partner, then the other, each taking a 15 minute turn.
The most important thing the counselor said (from my point of view) is that the sexual response is involuntary. That means you can't "will" to be sexual. Really important! What this means to me is that confrontation with a non-sexual partner directly isn't going to do any good--you can't make them feel anything.
What the technique does is try to associate pleasure with your partner and get the involuntary nervous system reactions going again.
Both of us have enjoyed this. Because both partners know it's not supposed to "go anywhere" it is not that sexual for either person, but it is pleasurable and induces feelings of trust. (Also it kinda reminded me of those first days of making out...!!)
What I just found out this evening from my wife is that (her words): "In doing this I realized just how afraid of sex I am. Since the stroking isn't supposed to lead to anything, I am very relaxed--but find I am worried if it were to go somewhere." Well, now she (and I) know what has to be worked on....
Let me know if these updates are worth hearing about. Don't want to bore anybody.
T.
It'sasecret said:
Here's the first update.
Our counselor had us do the first week of the Masters and Johnson technique for libido restoration. Every evening you are supposed to spend 15 minutes each touching each other's bodies. This is for the pleasure of the touch-er, not the touchee. No talking, no kissing, no genital contact. First one partner, then the other, each taking a 15 minute turn.
The most important thing the counselor said (from my point of view) is that the sexual response is involuntary. That means you can't "will" to be sexual. Really important! What this means to me is that confrontation with a non-sexual partner directly isn't going to do any good--you can't make them feel anything.
What the technique does is try to associate pleasure with your partner and get the involuntary nervous system reactions going again.
Both of us have enjoyed this. Because both partners know it's not supposed to "go anywhere" it is not that sexual for either person, but it is pleasurable and induces feelings of trust. (Also it kinda reminded me of those first days of making out...!!)
What I just found out this evening from my wife is that (her words): "In doing this I realized just how afraid of sex I am. Since the stroking isn't supposed to lead to anything, I am very relaxed--but find I am worried if it were to go somewhere." Well, now she (and I) know what has to be worked on....
Let me know if these updates are worth hearing about. Don't want to bore anybody.
T.
