Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[aussiegeekygal]

I'm wearing poopy pants tonight.

It can suck when things get out of balance. And the way that life is for Mr. Aussie and I means that it's going to take us a hot minute to figure out a new balance. Add to that yet another career transition that will drastically change the division of labor at home and it can feel like an impossible task to "make it all work". I am really starting to learn that it can't all work. That's not the point of all of this.

My marriage is maturing right now.
I'm saying the things I would never have normally said and allowing for it to be hard. I'm articulating in detail when I have feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, grief, and all the emotions that aren't fun to experience in others. I'm letting Mr. Aussie decide if it's too much to handle. Not me. And in doing so we're learning how to navigate it together.
^ (it sucks, btw.. This marriage stuff can be bullshit at times)

Back to tonight.

Mr. Aussie is currently out with her (I need to figure out a name for her- because she's deserving of an identity in this saga) and I'm wallowing in self pity. I wish I weren't. I don't want to be grumpy and yet here the fuck I am...

Tonight Mr. Aussie and I went out together to a function whilst the Montessori's watched our kids. Mr. Aussie asked if he could go out after the event and I was reluctant to make plans because of how the event may go and after parties and the such. Little did I know that he had explicitly asked for baby sitting for the exact hours of the event. I adjusted my understanding and expectations a little resigned to the fact that I'd be home with the kids tonight and he'll go out.

And of course, I had to turn down invites to spend time with my friends because Mr. Aussie made plans first.

This shit was so much easier before kids. Ugh.

On a deliciously high note, I did get to snuggle in bed with Mr. Montessori for a few minutes and smooches before taking the kids home. That was nice

 

[aussiegeekygal]

On a somewhat related note: I'm noticing a VERY strong reaction to the idea of calling her Mrs. Montessori. She is his wife. Yet, the name doesn't work for me.

Well, shit.

I'm therapizing myself in my own damn thread.

I've got some exploring to do about why I'm feeling this way. Is it competitiveness? Possessiveness? Dehumanization? Or just because I don't associate her with the Montessori parts of his identity?

I'm probably overthinking it.

Welcome to my crazy mind...

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

an ENM relationship

What does this stand for?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

What does this stand for?

ENM = Ethically Non Monogamous

Mr. Aussie and I both date outside our marriage.

 

[AngelWithAShotgun]

ENM = Ethically Non Monogamous

Mr. Aussie and I both date outside our marriage.

Ohh okie thank you

 

[Lonelywife1205]

My marriage is maturing right now.
I'm saying the things I would never have normally said and allowing for it to be hard. I'm articulating in detail when I have feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, grief, and all the emotions that aren't fun to experience in others. I'm letting Mr. Aussie decide if it's too much to handle. Not me. And in doing so we're learning how to navigate it together.
^ (it sucks, btw.. This marriage stuff can be bullshit at times)

Back to tonight.

Mr. Aussie is currently out with her (I need to figure out a name for her- because she's deserving of an identity in this saga) and I'm wallowing in self pity. I wish I weren't. I don't want to be grumpy and yet here the fuck I am...

This is just my opinion, but this seems like some bullshit to me. It seems as though you are reluctantly going along with this and getting some happiness out of it, but that doesn’t seem to outweigh the struggles you are having. My apologies if I’m reading too much into it, but Mr. Aussie is coming off as very selfish to me. If I were in this situation and feeling this level of hurt and anxiety, I would expect my spouse to make me and our marriage the priority and make sure I was feeling safe and secure.

Are you sure this is something you really want?

Also, it seems like it’s an additional layer of difficulty because you are dating people who are married to each other.

I hope it all works out for you. Thanks for sharing. It’s quite fascinating.

 

[Cat]

I'm wearing poopy pants tonight.

It can suck when things get out of balance. And the way that life is for Mr. Aussie and I means that it's going to take us a hot minute to figure out a new balance. Add to that yet another career transition that will drastically change the division of labor at home and it can feel like an impossible task to "make it all work". I am really starting to learn that it can't all work. That's not the point of all of this.

My marriage is maturing right now.
I'm saying the things I would never have normally said and allowing for it to be hard. I'm articulating in detail when I have feelings of jealousy, resentment, loneliness, grief, and all the emotions that aren't fun to experience in others. I'm letting Mr. Aussie decide if it's too much to handle. Not me. And in doing so we're learning how to navigate it together.
^ (it sucks, btw.. This marriage stuff can be bullshit at times)

Back to tonight.

Mr. Aussie is currently out with her (I need to figure out a name for her- because she's deserving of an identity in this saga) and I'm wallowing in self pity. I wish I weren't. I don't want to be grumpy and yet here the fuck I am...

Tonight Mr. Aussie and I went out together to a function whilst the Montessori's watched our kids. Mr. Aussie asked if he could go out after the event and I was reluctant to make plans because of how the event may go and after parties and the such. Little did I know that he had explicitly asked for baby sitting for the exact hours of the event. I adjusted my understanding and expectations a little resigned to the fact that I'd be home with the kids tonight and he'll go out.

And of course, I had to turn down invites to spend time with my friends because Mr. Aussie made plans first.

This shit was so much easier before kids. Ugh.

On a deliciously high note, I did get to snuggle in bed with Mr. Montessori for a few minutes and smooches before taking the kids home. That was nice

This is just my opinion, but this seems like some bullshit to me. It seems as though you are reluctantly going along with this and getting some happiness out of it, but that doesn’t seem to outweigh the struggles you are having. My apologies if I’m reading too much into it, but Mr. Aussie is coming off as very selfish to me. If I were in this situation and feeling this level of hurt and anxiety, I would expect my spouse to make me and our marriage the priority and make sure I was feeling safe and secure.

Are you sure this is something you really want?

Also, it seems like it’s an additional layer of difficulty because you are dating people who are married to each other.

I hope it all works out for you. Thanks for sharing. It’s quite fascinating.

First:

Thank you for letting us looking into your marriage, with some struggles and complications most of us have never thought about before.

I think.. this kind of non monogamous relationship is... A lot of work.. and by the sound of it, not really that equal?

So, recapping:

You and Mr. Aussie have been in an open marriage for a while?
- Who initiated it? Was that equal.. or did one of you have better .. "opportunities"?.

Then you guys started to date outside the marriage.
- Why going from open to actually dating? When dating outside the marriage.. how much quality time do you and Mr. Aussie spend together? How do you avoid becoming "Roomies with benefits"?

When doing this, Ethical non monogamous relationship..
- How do you avoid hurting eachother? (When it happens.. Like this situation.. where does Mr. Aussies loyalty lie.. With his girlfriend, or wife? Who becomes priority?)
- Are the two of you equal.. does your needs, wants and happiness means as much as his? Or is it: come first, serve first?
- Do you sit down with timeplans, trying to agree who gets to have fun next? Or.. is it.. Well.. like this?

Thinking about the episode where Mr. Montessori broke it off with you.. Because he thought his wife was against it.
It made me think.. that if that had been how it ended.. Then someone were being a bit hypocritical.. I mean, his wife is seriously dating your husband.. To the point of you becoming left behind and unable to even go out and have fun with your friends.. (going out with friends, that is just not nearly the same as going out with your girlfriend, and.. it gives me get the impression that Mr. Aussie and his girlfriend are more important, than Mr. Aussie and you.. that he values her happiness over yours.. it might just be me, I am just reading what you write.. But, it made my stomach twist..)

I am with @Lonelywife1205 on this one... This kinda seems like BS to me.

For this to work, everyone needs to be equal. And that means.. no more hidden plans, honest communication and an introduction of respect.



Thank you for sharing!

 

[Lonelywife1205]

First:

Thank you for letting us looking into your marriage, with some struggles and complications most of us have never thought about before.

I think.. this kind of non monogamous relationship is... A lot of work.. and by the sound of it, not really that equal?

So, recapping:

You and Mr. Aussie have been in an open marriage for a while?
- Who initiated it? Was that equal.. or did one of you have better .. "opportunities"?.

Then you guys started to date outside the marriage.
- Why going from open to actually dating? When dating outside the marriage.. how much quality time do you and Mr. Aussie spend together? How do you avoid becoming "Roomies with benefits"?

When doing this, Ethical non monogamous relationship..
- How do you avoid hurting eachother? (When it happens.. Like this situation.. where does Mr. Aussies loyalty lie.. With his girlfriend, or wife? Who becomes priority?)
- Are the two of you equal.. does your needs, wants and happiness means as much as his? Or is it: come first, serve first?
- Do you sit down with timeplans, trying to agree who gets to have fun next? Or.. is it.. Well.. like this?

Thinking about the episode where Mr. Montessori broke it off with you.. Because he thought his wife was against it.
It made me think.. that if that had been how it ended.. Then someone were being a bit hypocritical.. I mean, his wife is seriously dating your husband.. To the point of you becoming left behind and unable to even go out and have fun with your friends.. (going out with friends, that is just not nearly the same as going out with your girlfriend, and.. it gives me get the impression that Mr. Aussie and his girlfriend are more important, than Mr. Aussie and you.. that he values her happiness over yours.. it might just be me, I am just reading what you write.. But, it made my stomach twist..)

I am with @Lonelywife1205 on this one... This kinda seems like BS to me.

For this to work, everyone needs to be equal. And that means.. no more hidden plans, honest communication and an introduction of respect.



Thank you for sharing!

@Cat expressed what I was thinking better than I did.

The imbalance would bother me a lot.

I’ve explored some similar-ish dynamics but only online (which I realize is completely different) and the rule has always been if something makes either of us uncomfortable, we stop. The preservation of our relationship is most important. In my case, it has worked because of great communication and setting boundaries with a foundation of love and respect.

There are some communities on Reddit you might find helpful even to just read the posts of other people going through the same things you are.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

You both raise very valid points and get to the root of my hard feelings last night.
I want to respond intentionally and will be back to answer both of you once I finish up work. Thanks for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to have you here

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Alright, I'm back.
Let's do this.

A little context is probably helpful. Last night was the first time we'd had childcare that I hadn't initiated. I've always taken responsibility for finding, vetting and hiring caregivers. It's a huge job and I asked Mr. Aussie to step up and learn how to do it. He's got a lot to learn! We don't have the luxury of grandparents or a close network to tap into. I've focused most of my efforts on securing care to cover our work commitments with the occasional night to do something together.

Mr. Aussie is coming off as very selfish to me

Same. I'm also allowing him to be a little selfish.

Are you sure this is something you really want?

No. I'm rarely sure of anything, though. And I have little to no idea what I actually want. I have learnt to get curious with my resentment as it helps me understand what I do and don't want. It's a freaking process. I've subjugated myself to others for as long as I've existed. I struggle with understanding myself and my role in my own life.

(And all these people think I've got my shit together. I do not)

Who initiated it? Was that equal.. or did one of you have better .. "opportunities"?.

We've been open for almost 8 years. I initiated it back then and the dynamic was completely different. We didn't have kids or careers that demanded our attention like we do now. We could both go out and frolick at the same time. We didn't "date" other people with the intention of developing relationships.

As for opportunities, I'm sure I'd have more if I were open and interested in pursuing them. I don't want to put effort in to that part of my life right now. There are so many other things in my life that take priority right now.

Why going from open to actually dating? When dating outside the marriage.. how much quality time do you and Mr. Aussie spend together? How do you avoid becoming "Roomies with benefits"?

That's the new part of all this.
Mr. Aussie and I need a lot more quality time. I've articulated that and he's struggling to act on it. It's definitely somewhere he needs to grow up and figure it out. I can't take on the burden of planning everything in order for us to get time together.
I used to and it burnt me out.

How do you avoid hurting eachother? (When it happens.. Like this situation.. where does Mr. Aussies loyalty lie.. With his girlfriend, or wife? Who becomes priority?)

We don't avoid hurting each other. We both understand that we are going to hurt each other and work through it together. If we're being honest about his loyalties, I don't trust they lie with me. I think they lie with Him.

Are the two of you equal.. does your needs, wants and happiness means as much as his? Or is it: come first, serve first?

Dude, I actually used this exact phrase with him. It definitely feels like first come, first served.

Do you sit down with timeplans, trying to agree who gets to have fun next? Or.. is it.. Well.. like this?

We try, and we're still figuring it out. It's been very one sided and I've been direct when addressing it.

it gives me get the impression that Mr. Aussie and his girlfriend are more important, than Mr. Aussie and you.. that he values her happiness over yours..

I get that impression too.

Mr. Aussie got home around 4am and we stayed up talking until the sun came up. It was a hard conversation that I know has the potential to break multiple hearts. I expressed my fears around my ability to navigate this and talked about what would be his trigger to end things. We have not decided on how to proceed, yet, but last night has helped me understand that the way we're going about this isn't working for me.

I also should mention that you got the raw, honest truth here. There's a lot more nuance to what we're working through here the Aussie Household. It's not all doom and gloom xx

 

[deft]

I truly hope this all works out. It would appear that there are upsides for the both of you, but the path is beset with dangers. Like I said, I trust that you - the only person I "know" in this situation - will choose the best way forward.

Sending lots of love and support

 

[LadyLascivious1]

Hey pervs,

I'm back.

I didn't really leave, I just didn't really feel the need to write for a while there. And in a delightful turn of life events, that motivation has returned and I've needed some friends to talk to...

So come on in, let's chat. Because I've got a lot to tell you.

I've been married to Mr. Aussie for fifteen years (holy shit) and I've been here on lit for a decent amount of my marriage. Lit has helped me find the language and support to go have the hard conversations and ask for things I want to try. I've had a pervy army support me through some of the lowest moments of my life and y'all have contributed to the success of my marriage.

This week I had one of the hardest conversations of my life. Through sobbing tears, I told Mr. Aussie how scared I was to fall in love with another man. We both could feel it happening and although he'd already come to accept it, I very much hadn't. Things get very complicated because he's married to my husband's girlfriend.

I did not expect for any of this to happen.

Recently I softened to the idea of exploring a sexual relationship with Mr. Montessori. We'd become good friends over the summer and watched our relative spouses start to build a relationship. He's one cool dude who is so fun to hang with and I loved chatting about almost anything with him (including you guys. He's seen Chucks and Fucks). I just hadn't considered me also starting to see other guys. It has been seven years since Don Draper and I was humming along...

Well one day I was in a "why the fuck not?" mood and so I laid some thirst traps. Turns out that boy plays selfie chicken better than me and oof, I liked what I saw.
Damn it. It's the kind of game that can cause pregnancies in this place

So...
All that to say.

I'm going to be in here from time to time dropping my thoughts, sorting out what's going on and if anyone wants, asking questions about what it's like to be in an ENM relationship.

I just found this thread and only read your opening post so far. I wanted to respond before I read the rest and just say I love when you post and I’m glad whenever you’re in a more active phase. Also, I love the real and hard conversations

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I just found this thread and only read your opening post so far. I wanted to response before I read the rest and just say I love when you post and I’m glad whenever you’re in a more active phase. Also, I love the real and hard conversations

Buckle in, babe

 

[LadyLascivious1]

First:

Thank you for letting us looking into your marriage, with some struggles and complications most of us have never thought about before.

I think.. this kind of non monogamous relationship is... A lot of work.. and by the sound of it, not really that equal?

So, recapping:

You and Mr. Aussie have been in an open marriage for a while?
- Who initiated it? Was that equal.. or did one of you have better .. "opportunities"?.

Then you guys started to date outside the marriage.
- Why going from open to actually dating? When dating outside the marriage.. how much quality time do you and Mr. Aussie spend together? How do you avoid becoming "Roomies with benefits"?

When doing this, Ethical non monogamous relationship..
- How do you avoid hurting eachother? (When it happens.. Like this situation.. where does Mr. Aussies loyalty lie.. With his girlfriend, or wife? Who becomes priority?)
- Are the two of you equal.. does your needs, wants and happiness means as much as his? Or is it: come first, serve first?
- Do you sit down with timeplans, trying to agree who gets to have fun next? Or.. is it.. Well.. like this?

Thinking about the episode where Mr. Montessori broke it off with you.. Because he thought his wife was against it.
It made me think.. that if that had been how it ended.. Then someone were being a bit hypocritical.. I mean, his wife is seriously dating your husband.. To the point of you becoming left behind and unable to even go out and have fun with your friends.. (going out with friends, that is just not nearly the same as going out with your girlfriend, and.. it gives me get the impression that Mr. Aussie and his girlfriend are more important, than Mr. Aussie and you.. that he values her happiness over yours.. it might just be me, I am just reading what you write.. But, it made my stomach twist..)

I am with @Lonelywife1205 on this one... This kinda seems like BS to me.

For this to work, everyone needs to be equal. And that means.. no more hidden plans, honest communication and an introduction of respect.



Thank you for sharing!

@Cat expressed what I was thinking better than I did.

The imbalance would bother me a lot.

I’ve explored some similar-ish dynamics but only online (which I realize is completely different) and the rule has always been if something makes either of us uncomfortable, we stop. The preservation of our relationship is most important. In my case, it has worked because of great communication and setting boundaries with a foundation of love and respect.

There are some communities on Reddit you might find helpful even to just read the posts of other people going through the same things you are.

Alright, I'm back.
Let's do this.

A little context is probably helpful. Last night was the first time we'd had childcare that I hadn't initiated. I've always taken responsibility for finding, vetting and hiring caregivers. It's a huge job and I asked Mr. Aussie to step up and learn how to do it. He's got a lot to learn! We don't have the luxury of grandparents or a close network to tap into. I've focused most of my efforts on securing care to cover our work commitments with the occasional night to do something together.


Same. I'm also allowing him to be a little selfish.

No. I'm rarely sure of anything, though. And I have little to no idea what I actually want. I have learnt to get curious with my resentment as it helps me understand what I do and don't want. It's a freaking process. I've subjugated myself to others for as long as I've existed. I struggle with understanding myself and my role in my own life.

(And all these people think I've got my shit together. I do not)

We've been open for almost 8 years. I initiated it back then and the dynamic was completely different. We didn't have kids or careers that demanded our attention like we do now. We could both go out and frolick at the same time. We didn't "date" other people with the intention of developing relationships.

As for opportunities, I'm sure I'd have more if I were open and interested in pursuing them. I don't want to put effort in to that part of my life right now. There are so many other things in my life that take priority right now.

That's the new part of all this.
Mr. Aussie and I need a lot more quality time. I've articulated that and he's struggling to act on it. It's definitely somewhere he needs to grow up and figure it out. I can't take on the burden of planning everything in order for us to get time together.
I used to and it burnt me out.

We don't avoid hurting each other. We both understand that we are going to hurt each other and work through it together. If we're being honest about his loyalties, I don't trust they lie with me. I think they lie with Him.

Dude, I actually used this exact phrase with him. It definitely feels like first come, first served.

We try, and we're still figuring it out. It's been very one sided and I've been direct when addressing it.

I get that impression too.

Mr. Aussie got home around 4am and we stayed up talking until the sun came up. It was a hard conversation that I know has the potential to break multiple hearts. I expressed my fears around my ability to navigate this and talked about what would be his trigger to end things. We have not decided on how to proceed, yet, but last night has helped me understand that the way we're going about this isn't working for me.

I also should mention that you got the raw, honest truth here. There's a lot more nuance to what we're working through here the Aussie Household. It's not all doom and gloom xx

Ok, there’s a lot to dig into here. First, I’ll say that when I first read Cat’s take and questions I wondered how much was her feelings on the topic versus what she was sensing from you. I knew you’d been in an open relationship before having kids so I unconsciously assumed the idea of it now being ENM as a likely positive change for both of you. Then I read your reply…and I’m not even a bit surprised to realize Cat had a pretty accurate read of the situation.

I think it’s hard to know exactly how you’ll feel until you’re in the situation, so it requires constant honest communication and recalibration. I’ve been in an open relationship before and while it was largely a very positive experience, there were hiccups. And tears. And a lot of talking.

In my experience it’s never exactly equal much like any relationship. There are peaks and valleys, different priorities and motivations, and varying opportunities and levels of interest…and that all ebbs and flows over time. If you figure it out and are on even footing, it’s likely to shift again the next day.

I think the most important thing is to understand what each of your number one priorities are. For me it’s always been the success of my primary relationship (in person or online) and secondary is the interest in learning and exploring new things. If the latter threatens the former, then it’s time to pause and figure it out. I might not be thrilled to let go of the fun exploration part so I want to talk about it before blowing things apart, but I know at my core what my top priority is. I also know that for open to work for me, I need to feel like the priority. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel jealous or insecure, but I know if I was really unhappy or didn’t want to continue then my partner would stop.

I think the part that I find the most concerning is the comment that you and Mr. Aussie need more quality time. I’d have a hard time reconciling that (and him not meeting your needs there) while finding time to spend with someone else romantically or sexually.

 

[Dribble]

I am very old-fashioned. Nothing matters except the kids. The fact they get zero input bothers me. If this is difficult for adults to manage...how is it for them? I urge caution...but the bottom line...my opinion means nothing.

 

[Dribble]

And I was going to send a PM to Aussie...but I am not allowed. So I will say it here. I am not judging. At least I am not trying to judge. Smart people...and I consider you smart...sometimes don't see the bigger picture. I don't know. I don't have the answers. For me...the gain is not worth the potential negatives. And I am not saying be monogamous...I am saying maybe it shouldn't be so open to the kids? Just feels too fast...too quick.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I didn’t mention anything about the kids in my other responses, but I have to admit I agree with @Dribble on that aspect of it. Call me old fashioned too, I guess. If I were in this situation, I would have a boundary that the kids never see or know about any of it. I wouldn’t want to burden my children with the ups and downs of my sexual exploration and risk them questioning the stability of their environment.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Alright, Aussie… I suspect you have just been waiting for my advice all along. So here it is.

1. I suggest we call the wife Bathsheba, Delilah or Jezebel.

2. It sounds like this is confusing. I would like a diagram of fuckery. Maybe a Venn diagram would work. Or a flowchart. Kind of a “who’s fucking who” of the hippie commune in which you dwell.

3. You don’t seem to like this situation. It appears you acquiesce, like the good, quiet submissive wife we all know you to be.

4. What are you getting out of this? You might get to enjoy Mr. M and his giblets, but if your husband didn’t have Bathsheba licking his wiener, would you have pursued Mr. M? Probably not. He seems like a choice of necessity. “Mr. Aussie is out fucking Bathsheba, so I need to fuck someone, too.”

5. This is a comment on kids and, since I have no kids, you can assume this advice will be the best in the world, unbiased by the little crotch goblins. I think it’s a bit of an odd choice to let the kids see this unfold, particularly when there are so many kinks () to be worked out. If you are going to let them see it, I’d at least make sure it’s stable and not gonna turn into a soap opera, which seems like the path at the moment. And I’m not the kind of person who says “kids first”. I actually quite disagree, as that seems to lead to two things: kids running the household (and eventually the world) & parents who lose themselves because they live their lives for their kids.

Again, this is just solid advice from someone without kids.

6. Does this make you happy?

7. This seems to be a very inequitable relationship. I don’t like it. You know what a stalwart I am for women’s equality in ENM relationships. I’ve marched the streets of Seattle and Portland with skinny jeans wearing men and hairy armpitted women on this very cause. I even wore one of those pink vagina hats to show solidarity.

8. Do you want to continue this?

 

[Apisto42]

I think Jezebel gets a bad rap, so I vote for “Delilah”.

Other than that, I’ve got zero experience. Kids make all relationships harder, it’s not just you anymore. You’ll get to what’s best for you and the kids. You’re doing the work. Love you babe. Hugs.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

We gave the kids 3D glasses and popcorn

 

[Wand3rlust]

Sorry. That made me laugh.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Sorry. That made me laugh.

It's all good. It was meant to

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Delilah it is

@Lord Pmann asks some poignant and valid questions

1. Yes. I was also thinking Agnes?

2. How much time do you have?

3. I know it seems that way and I think you know me well enough to know I don't do anything I don't want to *coughs* #blowjobs

4. Mr. M is actually really good for me. He grounds me (autocorrect wanted to say grinds, which is also true). He's so chill and I need more of that, especially with screaming kids in my life.

5. Without knowing the bigger picture, I can see why the kids thing raises flags for people. We've been collectively raising our kids together before the dating started. We're at one of our houses with a tribe of crotch goblins at least every other day. We share school pickups, drop offs, vacations, etc. The whole family spends the night here sometimes.
And I'm selfish about sex with him. No one gets to watch.
He did say we could photograph ourselves, though

6. It makes me a better person. I don't strive for happiness as a primary driver for things I do. I'm weird. I am happy, though. Annoyingly so.

7. I thought I saw you at the naked bike ride this past weekend!! It is a little unbalanced. It hasn't always been that way and it won't always be that way. I'm one of those ridiculous overachievers that wants to be able to do it all.

8. I do.

 

[Noor]

Alright, I'm back.
Let's do this.

A little context is probably helpful. Last night was the first time we'd had childcare that I hadn't initiated. I've always taken responsibility for finding, vetting and hiring caregivers. It's a huge job and I asked Mr. Aussie to step up and learn how to do it. He's got a lot to learn! We don't have the luxury of grandparents or a close network to tap into. I've focused most of my efforts on securing care to cover our work commitments with the occasional night to do something together.


Same. I'm also allowing him to be a little selfish.

No. I'm rarely sure of anything, though. And I have little to no idea what I actually want. I have learnt to get curious with my resentment as it helps me understand what I do and don't want. It's a freaking process. I've subjugated myself to others for as long as I've existed. I struggle with understanding myself and my role in my own life.

(And all these people think I've got my shit together. I do not)

We've been open for almost 8 years. I initiated it back then and the dynamic was completely different. We didn't have kids or careers that demanded our attention like we do now. We could both go out and frolick at the same time. We didn't "date" other people with the intention of developing relationships.

As for opportunities, I'm sure I'd have more if I were open and interested in pursuing them. I don't want to put effort in to that part of my life right now. There are so many other things in my life that take priority right now.

That's the new part of all this.
Mr. Aussie and I need a lot more quality time. I've articulated that and he's struggling to act on it. It's definitely somewhere he needs to grow up and figure it out. I can't take on the burden of planning everything in order for us to get time together.
I used to and it burnt me out.

We don't avoid hurting each other. We both understand that we are going to hurt each other and work through it together. If we're being honest about his loyalties, I don't trust they lie with me. I think they lie with Him.

Dude, I actually used this exact phrase with him. It definitely feels like first come, first served.

We try, and we're still figuring it out. It's been very one sided and I've been direct when addressing it.

I get that impression too.

Mr. Aussie got home around 4am and we stayed up talking until the sun came up. It was a hard conversation that I know has the potential to break multiple hearts. I expressed my fears around my ability to navigate this and talked about what would be his trigger to end things. We have not decided on how to proceed, yet, but last night has helped me understand that the way we're going about this isn't working for me.

I also should mention that you got the raw, honest truth here. There's a lot more nuance to what we're working through here the Aussie Household. It's not all doom and gloom xx

It’s been my experience that if anyone is allowed to be selfish, then they go on thinking it is the status quo.
Strong spoken and agreed upon boundaries are important.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

It’s been my experience that if anyone is allowed to be selfish, then they go on thinking it is the status quo.
Strong spoken and agreed upon boundaries are important.

That's sage wisdom and something that's appreciated!

Part of this is me learning my own boundaries. I tend to push up hard against myself to understand my limits. He's aware of this trait and it often times will drive him mad. I think he's finally seeing some upside to it