Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[Noor]

Delilah it is

@Lord Pmann asks some poignant and valid questions

1. Yes. I was also thinking Agnes?

2. How much time do you have?

3. I know it seems that way and I think you know me well enough to know I don't do anything I don't want to *coughs* #blowjobs

4. Mr. M is actually really good for me. He grounds me (autocorrect wanted to say grinds, which is also true). He's so chill and I need more of that, especially with screaming kids in my life.

5. Without knowing the bigger picture, I can see why the kids thing raises flags for people. We've been collectively raising our kids together before the dating started. We're at one of our houses with a tribe of crotch goblins at least every other day. We share school pickups, drop offs, vacations, etc. The whole family spends the night here sometimes.
And I'm selfish about sex with him. No one gets to watch.
He did say we could photograph ourselves, though

6. It makes me a better person. I don't strive for happiness as a primary driver for things I do. I'm weird. I am happy, though. Annoyingly so.

7. I thought I saw you at the naked bike ride this past weekend!! It is a little unbalanced. It hasn't always been that way and it won't always be that way. I'm one of those ridiculous overachievers that wants to be able to do it all.

8. I do.

No 5, not wanting anyone to watch is not selfish, it’s your preference.
I don’t like to be watched either.

I’d feel much better if you guys agree together to photograph yourself.
I know it may seem like semantics, but this idea of selfishness and giving permission rather than joint agreements can be red flags.
Being in a mutual relationship with another couple is a lot of work, establishing mutually agree upon ground rules can be the difference between things running smoothly or everything breaking apart. Having kids in the mix is a whole other complication.
I wish you the best.

 

[Endless_Night]

The things I miss.


Interesting. I considered something along these lines when I first joined Lit. Even tracked down a long dead poly thread in BDSM and waded my way through 30 or so pages.

Which was….a tad excruciating. Eesh.


* * *
Past Lit research aside, let me say, I absolutely believe this type of setup can work. All being equal and both partners being willing to put in the work required to navigate an unusual dynamic.

Work equaling the trifecta of transparency, honesty, and making your primary partner priority.


Per usual, I admire the way your marriage updates. Keep us in the loop.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I have escorted one individual from the thread and made it so he can’t return to post in this thread again.

@aussiegeekygal Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I'm kind of glad I missed that.

Thanks, @ToPleaseHim

I guess now it's as good a time as any to update y'all. It's been a wild ride here in the Aussie household. This definitely has a lot to do with it, and it's also a function of the kind of work I do.

This week I had to go to Texas. I wad asked on Friday if I could be there Monday and the carrot was definitely worth putting in the effort to making that happen. So I booked the flights.

This is one of the many beautiful things about this kind of poly arrangement. Mr. Aussie had two extra people to help support him whilst I was unexpectedly gone. My kids were loved and cared for and overall were very happy, even though their mum was off and about. And knowing he had that support, I could concentrate on the work I needed to get done so that I could hightail it out of there as quickly as possible.

When I got back, I noticed that everyone was giving me space. I hadn't asked for that and realized I'd been interpreting their actions as a function of something I'd done wrong (hello self worth issues) and was feeling pretty isolated. At one point recently Mr. Aussie asked me in front of everyone if I needed to go take some space and I just kind of screamed "No!". It was funny because I never really explode like that, but the moment I realized what was happening I couldn't hold it in anymore
I've been wondering if this giving people space when you perceive they're struggling is a cultural thing. I was raised in a "I'll sit with you" kind of home.

I've been questioning why I'm struggling to identify and advocate for my needs. Add in scheduling conflicts and am overall lack of time to figure things out means I'm doing the good ole trial and error approach. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep it up. It can be intense at times Yet I always do manage to go and figure it out. I'm still learning how to accept love. That's a big part of all of this.

I can't figure out what I want from Mr. Montessori.
I enjoy being with him and am craving sex. With him specifically. So, I've figured out at least one thing I want...
But, yeah. We are still trying to figure that all out. It's emotionally draining and making me a better person.

 

[Endless_Night]

< I've been wondering if this giving people space when you perceive they're struggling is a cultural thing. I was raised in a "I'll sit with you" kind of home. >

Cultural or perhaps a matter of temperament.

I need spaaaaaaace.



At least, until I can get my temper and anxiety under control. Then I need pets.

 

[Donotrustanybody]

Hey pervs,

I'm back.

I didn't really leave, I just didn't really feel the need to write for a while there. And in a delightful turn of life events, that motivation has returned and I've needed some friends to talk to...

So come on in, let's chat. Because I've got a lot to tell you.

I've been married to Mr. Aussie for fifteen years (holy shit) and I've been here on lit for a decent amount of my marriage. Lit has helped me find the language and support to go have the hard conversations and ask for things I want to try. I've had a pervy army support me through some of the lowest moments of my life and y'all have contributed to the success of my marriage.

This week I had one of the hardest conversations of my life. Through sobbing tears, I told Mr. Aussie how scared I was to fall in love with another man. We both could feel it happening and although he'd already come to accept it, I very much hadn't. Things get very complicated because he's married to my husband's girlfriend.

I did not expect for any of this to happen.

Recently I softened to the idea of exploring a sexual relationship with Mr. Montessori. We'd become good friends over the summer and watched our relative spouses start to build a relationship. He's one cool dude who is so fun to hang with and I loved chatting about almost anything with him (including you guys. He's seen Chucks and Fucks). I just hadn't considered me also starting to see other guys. It has been seven years since Don Draper and I was humming along...

Well one day I was in a "why the fuck not?" mood and so I laid some thirst traps. Turns out that boy plays selfie chicken better than me and oof, I liked what I saw.
Damn it. It's the kind of game that can cause pregnancies in this place

So...
All that to say.

I'm going to be in here from time to time dropping my thoughts, sorting out what's going on and if anyone wants, asking questions about what it's like to be in an ENM relationship.

No questions yet, but if you care to share




I am availabe



Meaning i am intrested in knowing your biz, but do not want to waste time, if you are not intrested in talking


NO expectations

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Cultural or perhaps a matter of temperament.

I need spaaaaaaace.



At least, until I can get my temper and anxiety under control. Then I need pets.

Good point. I take space when I need it, and my default response to someone in crisis is to lean in and stay close enough to catch them if they stumble.

No questions yet, but if you care to share




I am availabe



Meaning i am intrested in knowing your biz, but do not want to waste time, if you are not intrested in talking


NO expectations

Not quite sure I understand exactly what you're saying.
If you're offering yourself up to join us here at the kitchen table, thanks, but no thanks. I've got a ridiculously full plate as it is.

 

[Donotrustanybody]

Good point. I take space when I need it, and my default response to someone in crisis is to lean in and stay close enough to catch them if they stumble.

Not quite sure I understand exactly what you're saying.
If you're offering yourself up to join us here at the kitchen table, thanks, but no thanks. I've got a ridiculously full plate as it is.

Now i am super confused


Not trying to get into your real life or eat your food ( meant literally, not good at anything but direct )



Just meant if you are intrested in talking, if not it is cool and I breeze by

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Gotcha. I'm happy to chat. What do you want to know?

 

[Donotrustanybody]

Gotcha. I'm happy to chat. What do you want to know?

Everything

I am nosey


You have to tell me to mind my biz lol

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Well, I'm literal, so questions are the only way you're going to help me help you. Feel free to ask

 

[Donotrustanybody]

Well, I'm literal, so questions are the only way you're going to help me help you. Feel free to ask

What is an ENM relationship ?


Just want to know your bio, nothing too crazy


You did share a lot, in your op post


But Just asking about you, not your love interest

 

[Donotrustanybody]

Excuse me


You said direct

I have some basic questions for starters


What originally brought you to lit and what are your reasons for staying on here ? ( i know basic question )

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Ok. Goodies

1. ENM stands for ethical non monogamy. My husband and I both date outside of our marriage.

2. I'm Aussie. I'm Geeky. I'm a Girl.

3. I came to lit when I started to lose my desire early in my marriage. I started exploring my own sexuality in an attempt to build myself up for both my and my marriage. I read stories to figure out what my body responded to. From there I found my way over at Fetish and Sexuality Central and the dreaded General Board. I found a community here and a safe place to explore alongside some of the finest people I've ever met.

Lit is pretty fantastic

 

[Cotswolds]

@aussiegeekygal thanks for sharing your little corner of the world with us. I'm on the dying end of a night shift, and it's kept my eyelids from closing.

Making this work sounds like a fucking epic game of chess, but wish you all the best.

My only input would be, all things need to be fair and equal, otherwise you'll end up in a pickle. Only you will really know if it works for you, and you're smart enough to get what you want, I'm sure. Hopefully it's all worth the gigantic effort required to strike the balance.

Kudos to you

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I downloaded Feeld.

That was an adventure.

For those of you who don't know, Feeld is a dating app that is popular in the ENM and poly crowds. There's a very diverse group of people from all walks of life and it's kind of incredible.

I learnt a lot about myself just by reading profiles, paying attention to what excited me, what didn't. There were two profiles I was intensely drawn to. One was a well dressed family man with that twinkle I recognize and really like. The other was a free spirited Viking type. The kind of gift I'd bring home to Trekka. Sexually generous in every aspect, including the thirsty, thirsty photos he laid as a trap very poly and damned delicious...

This has me considering dating outside of my current little circle.

Thinking about dating and talking it through with Mr. Aussie brought up some interesting feelings. This is the first time I've voiced a desire to actually explore with the ability to forge significant other type relationships in this way. He's got to process that shift in me because I was not initially interested in dating again. Oh, how the turns have tabled...
In that conversation I also started to understand that Mr. Montessori's and my relationship means a lot to me and that I see him in my life for the rest of ours. I don't know what form that will take and I'm hoping we can continue to find time to cultivate a sexual relationship. I'm sure we will. We're very good friends who reap very good benefits He has become a priority in my life and as I start thinking about dating, I'm considering how that could impact what we've got; both for better and for worse.

Argh.
I'm languishing.

And I think I need to meet both of these guys and feel out what to do next.

 

[Wand3rlust]

Thanks for sharing. I find it fascinating. X

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I downloaded Feeld.

That was an adventure.

For those of you who don't know, Feeld is a dating app that is popular in the ENM and poly crowds. There's a very diverse group of people from all walks of life and it's kind of incredible.

I learnt a lot about myself just by reading profiles, paying attention to what excited me, what didn't. There were two profiles I was intensely drawn to. One was a well dressed family man with that twinkle I recognize and really like. The other was a free spirited Viking type. The kind of gift I'd bring home to Trekka. Sexually generous in every aspect, including the thirsty, thirsty photos he laid as a trap very poly and damned delicious...

This has me considering dating outside of my current little circle.

Thinking about dating and talking it through with Mr. Aussie brought up some interesting feelings. This is the first time I've voiced a desire to actually explore with the ability to forge significant other type relationships in this way. He's got to process that shift in me because I was not initially interested in dating again. Oh, how the turns have tabled...
In that conversation I also started to understand that Mr. Montessori's and my relationship means a lot to me and that I see him in my life for the rest of ours. I don't know what form that will take and I'm hoping we can continue to find time to cultivate a sexual relationship. I'm sure we will. We're very good friends who reap very good benefits He has become a priority in my life and as I start thinking about dating, I'm considering how that could impact what we've got; both for better and for worse.

Argh.
I'm languishing.

And I think I need to meet both of these guys and feel out what to do next.

Thanks for sharing. This is so interesting to me. I thought Feeld was for people looking for threesomes, so I didn’t realize it was also for poly and ENM folks too.

I am curious about a few things…

• Did you message the 2 guys you were interested in?
• What was your motivation for going on Feeld?
• Is there part of you that did it to make Mr. Aussie jealous?
• You have a very busy life with a career, children, a husband and another relationship so what kind of relationship are you seeking on Feeld? A mostly sexual one or something more serious that would require a heavy investment of your time?
• Will you tell Mr. Montessori if you end up meeting someone else?
• Do you feel obligated to discuss any potential other relationships with him?
• How would you feel if your husband or Mr. Montessori went on Feeld to meet someone else?

If these are too nosy, just tell me to quit being so nosy.

Thanks again to the glimpse into your life.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Great questions, here we go.

Did you message the 2 guys you were interested in?
I did. We had a brief get to know you kind of chat/vibe check. They both held a great conversation and were stimulating to talk to.

What was your motivation for going on Feeld?
Primarily- curiosity.
I've realized throughout this that I've been looking to meet my needs within the group and that's not as plausible as I would hope. When I allow myself to consider it, I'm actually kind of needy. I want to feel desired, I want novelty, I want connections with others. Both Mr. Aussie and Mr. Montessori bring so much to the table. There's still something I'm searching for, though.

Is there part of you that did it to make Mr. Aussie jealous?
No. In fact, I've withheld these parts of me for a long time because of his previous run ins with jealousy. This came from a place of internal strength and wisdom. I haven't acted on these desires in any physical/tangible way. I made a point to start communicating as I recognized the shift, though. Mr. Aussie can feel blindsided by things because I'm very willing to change when presented with new information.

You have a very busy life with a career, children, a husband and another relationship so what kind of relationship are you seeking on Feeld? A mostly sexual one or something more serious that would require a heavy investment of your time?
Not a heavy investment. Ideally someone who I see once a month or so is what I'm thinking. It could be less frequent than that. Sex will be a big part of it, yes.

Will you tell Mr. Montessori if you end up meeting someone else?
Absolutely. He already knows I downloaded Feeld. I will talk with him more this afternoon when he picks up the kids about all of this to get his input.

Do you feel obligated to discuss any potential other relationships with him?
No, but I want to. I do want to be as open and transparent with everyone as I can.

How would you feel if your husband or Mr. Montessori went on Feeld to meet someone else?
Mr. Montessori is already on there. He was the second person suggested to me he's not interested in dating and if that changes I'd be curious and supportive of it.
I've been ok with Mr. Aussie dating in the past. As I moved through the displacement that comes with being truly poly, I realized I'm trying to control things outside of my control. I don't know how I would feel, but I recognize we're still all figuring out what we want and how it could work for us all.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

Thank you for answering those. Now I’m curious if you knew Mr. Montessori was on Feeld when you matched with him or if that came as a surprise to you?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I knew he was on Feeld. He is who told me about it in the first place.
We haven't matched on there. I doubt he's opened the app tbh.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

When doing this, Ethical non monogamous relationship..
- How do you avoid hurting eachother? (When it happens.. Like this situation.. where does Mr. Aussies loyalty lie.. With his girlfriend, or wife? Who becomes priority?)
- Are the two of you equal.. does your needs, wants and happiness means as much as his? Or is it: come first, serve first?
- Do you sit down with timeplans, trying to agree who gets to have fun next? Or.. is it.. Well.. like this?

it gives me get the impression that Mr. Aussie and his girlfriend are more important, than Mr. Aussie and you.. that he values her happiness over yours..

We don't avoid hurting each other. We both understand that we are going to hurt each other and work through it together. If we're being honest about his loyalties, I don't trust they lie with me. I think they lie with Him.

Hi Aussie. I know that we don't know one another, so I hope you don't mind me sharing thoughts, making observations, and/or asking questions. While I have never been in an ENM relationship, it's something which I believe I would pursue if given the choice. While I don't have any practical experience with it, I've been reading up on it, and polyamory, for some time now. That's the main reason your thread caught my interest.

When I saw Cat's questions regarding loyalty, my first thought was the same one that you expressed. I don't see it as you and she competing for his loyalty, but as him being primarily loyal to himself. I don't think he values her happiness over yours, but he values his own over both yours and hers. I'm not saying that to be judgmental of him... I think that all of us put our own needs and wants above those of others at one time or another. In some instances, it's the healthy and self-protective thing to do. At other times, it is, or can be perceived as being, selfish.

Same. I'm also allowing him to be a little selfish.

I've subjugated myself to others for as long as I've existed.

I've been questioning why I'm struggling to identify and advocate for my needs.

I've withheld these parts of me for a long time because of his previous run ins with jealousy. This came from a place of internal strength and wisdom. I haven't acted on these desires in any physical/tangible way. I made a point to start communicating as I recognized the shift, though. Mr. Aussie can feel blindsided by things because I'm very willing to change when presented with new information.

I think we all have times when we need or want to allow our partners to be a bit selfish and when we need or want the same from them. However, based on the past experiences we have, I think that many people fall into patterns of either being more selfish or more self subjugating. It sounds like you have a strong degree of self awareness about where your tendencies lie. I wonder if Mr. Aussie has that same sense of self awareness about what appears to be his tendency towards the more selfish end of the spectrum. Because, once you have that awareness, I think it makes it easier to check your own behavior. It's never easy to change patterns of behavior, but I think that acknowledging one's tendencies is a big first step. You say that you've subjugated yourself to others your entire life... is this something that you are comfortable with as being just part of your personality or something you would prefer to change?

I want to emphasize that being at *either* end of the spectrum is not the healthiest place to be. I believe that people who tend towards selfishness aren't villains, just as those who tend towards self subjugation aren't heroes.

It makes me a better person. I don't strive for happiness as a primary driver for things I do. I'm weird. I am happy, though. Annoyingly so.

It's emotionally draining and making me a better person.

This made me consider the questions of whether or not some degree of discomfort, or even suffering, is necessary to personal growth or wisdom, and what it means to be a "better person".

As for opportunities, I'm sure I'd have more if I were open and interested in pursuing them. I don't want to put effort in to that part of my life right now. There are so many other things in my life that take priority right now.

Add in scheduling conflicts and am overall lack of time to figure things out means I'm doing the good ole trial and error approach. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep it up. It can be intense at times

I have to admit that, after these statements, I was a bit surprised to read that you had started to look at people's profiles on Feeld. What changed your mind about potentially pursuing other opportunities?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. While my situation, should it ever evolve, would be quite a bit different than yours, your posts have given me some insights and issues to consider.

 

[HoneyMeadows]

Thank you for sharing this with us and for answering the questions posed to you

You're living a reality that is out of reach for me but the more I learn from you the more I am coming to understand myself.

Also, a big thank you to everyone who is asking questions. I have no idea how to formulate a feeling into a question and then I see someone has already done it

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I've been ruminating about the conversations we've had here in this thread and want to talk about something that y'all picked up on that I didn't. Many of you figured out that I wouldn't have been interested in Mr. Montessori if it weren't for our spouses and you're absolutely right.

I see relationships and desire through many different lenses. When I first met Mr. Montessori I thought he had the personality of a traffic cone. I tried to make conversation and didn't get very far. Granted, this was the result of two very awkward adults coming out of an extended period of isolation trying to make conversation, but neither of us really acknowledged that at the time. Turns out he was very interested in being friends but intimidated by my Aussie, geeky girliness.

It took about 8 weeks of hanging out together for us to feel really comfortable with one another. As we let our guards down, we created space for each other to share. I imagine it feels somewhat similar to what the early days of an arranged marriage could feel like. We were strangely compatible. Even though I didn't find this one for myself, I'm bloody grateful it happened. He's kind of incredible once the awkwardness goes away.

Another thing that I picked up on when reflecting on this thread this far has been the sentiment that things have to be "equal". I actually don't subscribe to that. I don't see things as a tit for tat. I much prefer equity, where everyone works together to meet each other's needs. Just because Mr. Aussie is dating doesn't mean that I'm missing out. It can feel like it at times, but thinking that way doesn't help me move through the situation well. I'm learning to embrace wherever I find myself and allow the hard feelings to inform me about where I could ask for more support in life.

Also, side note: totally crushing on a librarian.

 

[Endless_Night]

Also, side note: totally crushing on a librarian.

Would this be the "well dressed family man with that twinkle" or the "free spirited Viking"?

Or have you a third contender?


I would say inquiring minds, but, really, I'm just nosy.