Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[aussiegeekygal]

A third player entered the chat and blew the first two contenders completely out of the water.

Everyone - I can't wait for us all to meet The Librarian

 

[Indie]

Subscribed

 

[NC_Coastal]

Someone alluded to this as a high-level game of chess, and while I think comparing real life to a game (games/sports are a large part of my life) tends to dumb down life itself. However, your going on Feeld was a power move that had to shake up the situation for all. Good for you.
I agree with LW and a few others who pointed out the importance of kids in all this. They're going to need guidance and reassurance from you and Mr. Aussie. The kids see this in the immediate NOW, not worrying about down the road. Down the road is where the real issues are waiting. I don't have to tell you this.
You're a fascinating study, Aussie. I'm glad you're back. You add something here almost no one else comes close to contributing. But I'll leave you with my deepest thought on all this.
YOU are the most important person in this dynamic. Your kids are next, though they are intertwined and in need of special attention. Mr. Aussie and the Montessories are dealing with their own issues, and they all seem rather self-absorbed. Just my opinion.
Take care of you first. While there has to be some give and take, this isn't a game. It's ALWAYS your move.
And good luck with the Librarian.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Thanks, NC

The one place I'm truly confident is the kids. They're secure, well loved and this is their family. They love Tiny Montessori as a sibling/cousin type and I will forever preserve those bonds. I love Tiny Montessori as if they were my own, too. They talk to me about things going on in their life that they can't find support for elsewhere and I'm committed to them.

I've talked extensively with everyone involved about my desire to protect the kids from turmoil. They are exposed to what healthy conflict and resolution looks like. They do know that our family is different from others. They know that all families are different from each other. They do talk to us about how they're feeling and where they're curious.

These kids are alright
In fact, they're fucking delightful.
I'm not at all worried about the long term here. I'm all in, regardless of what happens off to the side.

 

[Endless_Night]

Aussie, I’m curious as to how the group is managing social expectations.

Social moires on marriage in the US haven’t undergone much revolution. People who do engage unconventionally tend to keep things fairly private.

(At least, that’s my perception. Might be wrong.)

A group style marriage set up isn’t necessarily that public.

Two couples with intermingled young children, in and out of each other’s homes on a continuous basis isn’t unusual enough to attract too much attention. The sex, if any, is not necessarily apparent.

Dating, however, adds a twist. Mr. Aussie has attended at least one social function with his date. That is public.

I think you live in a liberal minded area, and presumably your friends aren’t the type to raise an eyebrow at an unconventional marriage dynamic, but what about the broader exposure? Extended family? Work contacts? Neighbors? Less intimate social contacts?

Are you finding any issues and how are you dealing with them?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

The sex may be more apparent than I realized, as I often don't shut the blinds and you can see into my bedroom from the right angles.

This has been a bit of a theme because Mr. Aussie will not shy away from affection in public. I'm certain the neighbors have seen them kiss and they've started making odd comments here and there about the comings and goings of people. It doesn't really bother me except for the fact that my neighbors aren't as liberal as me and they're the kinds of people who would mindlessly call a trans person a "groomer" or "pedophile" without a thought in the world to what they're actually accusing people of. I fear that Fox News bullshit could come and bite me if they ever made that kind of association and did something stupid.

That being said; I love my neighbors and they love me. We've developed great friendships and I think they're happy keeping their heads in the sand.

I've told colleagues and some of my family about our relationship. I've gotten nothing but support from everyone. Mr. Aussie has tried to talk with people in his life and continually gets judgement and/or is shut down. I can only imagine how deflating that must be and I'm mindful of that when we discuss these things. He's so freaking in love and the world he occupies isn't really interested in supporting that

We did go on a couples date this past weekend. We dressed up in fancy clothes, saw a show, are good food, hit up a sex club (bucket list item for me!) and enjoyed being out together as a polycule. Things are starting to feel more natural and we're settling into a pattern of affection that works.

But yes- Mr. Aussie is definitely more public about this than I would choose to be. And he's right to be. I'm still conditioned to be a bit of a nun.

 

[Endless_Night]

Thank you for that layered answer.

I am as curious about the handling of the social ramifications as much as the sexual and personal emotional evolution. How does one integrate unusual dynamics into a fairly rigid preexisting structure with any finesse.

We await news of the Librarian.

Will he measure up in person?

#staystuned

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I won't know until next week at the earliest.

I'm in Texas

 

[Purple_Fronds]

I won't know until next week at the earliest.

I'm in Texas

Queue 500 pms of guys in Texas.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Is it weird that I'm excited to start going to therapy with Mr. Aussie? Because I am. I'm such a therapy nerd.

We found a therapist who works with poly couples and she seems really cool. I know it's probably going to be hard AF and I'm glad she'll be the one supporting us through this. I really want things to work out and I do well when I have a coach to help me develop my skills.

 

[AbsintheFather]

The sex may be more apparent than I realized, as I often don't shut the blinds and you can see into my bedroom from the right angles.
. . . . . I'm still conditioned to be a bit of a nun.

Fascinating thread Aussie. I cannot relate at all but I appreciate the window into it. 'Nun' is probably not an adjective I'd ever choose for you either

Good luck with your journey. It sound much more involved and difficult that I could ever have imagined

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Fun fact; I almost joined the convent when I was 17.

Turns out it wasn't Jesus. It was trauma

 

[AlexBailey]

Hi Aussiegg,

I’m impressed and glad to hear that it’s going so well. Everything you have written says you are committed to Mr Aussie and your kids and that everything else is outside of your core relationship.

Am I getting that right or are your secondary relationships also “family” now?

I was in a threesome relationship for a while in my early twenties but I was still such a kid, all wide eyed and having fun. The couple I was with were working on their own issues and ended up not being as committed as I thought they were.

They had kids 5-8 and I was like an older sibling to them, often a built in babysitter, and would pick them up from school sometimes. The husband looked like he could be my older brother and I looked underage, so that was how we passed in society for the most part.

The problem was in their relationship. They later both told me that they had been close to breaking up and that I was a new toy and distraction for them, and that if anything I prolonged and helped deepen their understanding of each other.

We were a family for about nine months before they separated, both moving far away. Both moved on to new monogamous relationships and our connections faded, though I could contact and visit either of them anytime.

I think the breakup was hard on the kids, the had rocky times with both new step parents.

It was very hard on me at the end, they both kept trying to get me together with other friends of theirs but… oh many buts… I ended up feeling used and discarded.

Looking back with an adult perspective I can see that the couple wasn’t solid, probably because they’d gotten together so young and were not very well matched nor fully committed. I don’t see you as having that problem.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Hi Aussiegg,

I’m impressed and glad to hear that it’s going so well. Everything you have written says you are committed to Mr Aussie and your kids and that everything else is outside of your core relationship.

Am I getting that right or are your secondary relationships also “family” now?

I was in a threesome relationship for a while in my early twenties but I was still such a kid, all wide eyed and having fun. The couple I was with were working on their own issues and ended up not being as committed as I thought they were.

They had kids 5-8 and I was like an older sibling to them, often a built in babysitter, and would pick them up from school sometimes. The husband looked like he could be my older brother and I looked underage, so that was how we passed in society for the most part.

The problem was in their relationship. They later both told me that they had been close to breaking up and that I was a new toy and distraction for them, and that if anything I prolonged and helped deepen their understanding of each other.

We were a family for about nine months before they separated, both moving far away. Both moved on to new monogamous relationships and our connections faded, though I could contact and visit either of them anytime.

I think the breakup was hard on the kids, the had rocky times with both new step parents.

It was very hard on me at the end, they both kept trying to get me together with other friends of theirs but… oh many buts… I ended up feeling used and discarded.

Looking back with an adult perspective I can see that the couple wasn’t solid, probably because they’d gotten together so young and were not very well matched nor fully committed. I don’t see you as having that problem.

Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds really difficult and I'm proud of how you've reflected on that time and extracted the wisdom you have.

I'm very committed to both my marriage and my kids. Part of that commitment is working on developing stable, secure relationships with those adults in their lives and making sure we don't totally uproot their lives if circumstances between us change. This goes not only for The Montessori's, but all relevant adults; aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors, etc. Obviously there are certain parameters that would require me to cut ties, but I do consider my kids when I'm working through conflict with people in our lives.

I would say we weren't as solid as I would have liked and we're working on that. What we do have is almost fifteen years of evidence of how good we can be together. And as hard as it is, it does feel good to explore these parts of ourselves together. Therapy is already helping give us a common frame of reference to use when we talk so that we can avoid misunderstandings.

 

[AlexBailey]

It sounds like you have all of the most important boxes checked going into this, what an adventure!

I really enjoyed the fun and having multiple intimate connections, though it sounds like your situation is very different.

Do you only have dates among couples, or do you ever all share intimate moments?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I have different levels and types of intimacy with each partner. I do consider each of our three relationships important and intimate. I'm still learning to use the word metamour and understand the loveliness of this type of connection.

We have also shared a sexually intimate moment together. I got a little overwhelmed with that and tapped out. I'm still completely down to try again when the stars align. It's not something I want to seek out. I like the organic evolution of these things.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I met The Librarian.
I kissed The Librarian.
I want The Librarian.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

*floats back in to this place*

I feel so freaking good right now.

I'm pleased to inform @Endless_Night that not only does The Librarian meet certain expectations, he goes ahead and blows them out of the water. The sex was incredible. We connected on a physical level in a way that I really enjoy. I can best sum it up as strong and sweet. I melted into him for a few hours and didn't want it to end.

I'm also stoked that we have so much to talk about. A really weird quirk we share is that we read legislation for fun I got to see his books and get a glimpse into his life. I really like what I see. He activates my curiosity in a way that helps me love life and for that I'm grateful.

There'll be plenty more about this one.
He's special.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

The Librarian will be out of town this weekend which means we won't be able to stay in touch throughout the day. I've grown really fond of the conversations we have and the different ways we play with each other. We have a lot of chemistry and the dopamine (happy brain chemicals) is flowing at full force.

I'm looking forward to the pause.
I've had so much fun these past few weeks and I'm looking forward to spending some of my fun energy with my family. This is my invitation to be completely in the moment with them. You bet your sweet ass I'll be doing just that.

I will miss him, though.
That I know.

I hope he's having a wonderful time.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I'm including the Montessoris in my definition of family above. I really want to spend time with them all. I have hardly seen them all week.

 

[NRJLIVES4ever]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, @aussiegeekygal

I notice the older I get the more I understand the appeal of polymonogamy. I joke about the "hoe life" thing lol, but I definitely feel my current natural state is to be open to all possibilitues with people in general but maybe be free of attachment to just one person.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, @aussiegeekygal

I notice the older I get the more I understand the appeal of polymonogamy. I joke about the "hoe life" thing lol, but I definitely feel my current natural state is to be open to all possibilitues with people in general but maybe be free of attachment to just one person.

There are a lot of advantages, that's for sure. I'm really seeing the upside of having multiple people in my life who provide differing and overlapping levels of support. And it's my pleasure to be that kind of person to others where I can.

That being said, the highs don't come without the corresponding lows. This past week has been pretty fucking hard on me. Mr. Aussie is having some really big and really hard feelings and he's going through yet another deconstruction as he adapts to the new reality that involves The Librarian. Add in some additional relationship complications elsewhere in our polycule and we're all having to try as hard as we can to support both ourselves and each other right now.

Last night I had an epic cry and allowed so much emotion to just run through me and get unstuck.

This is not for the faint of heart.

Worth it, though.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I just wanted to say "thanks for sharing". As a person whose lived an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle for a couple of decades now, I think you put your finger right on the reality of it with these two statements:

"I'm really seeing the upside of having multiple people in my life who provide differing and overlapping levels of support. And it's my pleasure to be that kind of person to others where I can."

And:

"This is not for the faint of heart."

Those two are an excellent high level summary. When I see people on line talk about being ethically non-monogamous or poly and it's all sunshine, roses, great sex, and galloping unicorns my bullshit detector sends to go off.

It's a great way of life. It has challenges you'd never expect, at depths and resonances that are hard to explain.

A great little thread. Hope your weeks are passing richly and smoothly.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Mood:

 

[Lord Pmann]

Mood:

One of my favourite songs ever. I also love the video.