Commanding vs Inspiring

[sweetnpetite]

The discussion seems to be focused on two very different types of men and what bothers me is that I see these as representing opposite extremes of a spectrum.

Overall this thread has taken the form of either a rant against the first type, or a longing for the second. I can understand both sentiments, but I feel like a reality check is in order.

Most men whom I have known are somewhere between these two extremes. More specifically, most men move between these two extremes, sometimes being needy and sometimes being providers.
Tollo

I think we all realize that most men do not fall at either end of the specturm, but it is often helpful when describing something unfamiliar to compare it with something more familiar- particularly in this case it's opposite. And you will see plenty of men on these boards who fit the one extreme, while it is much more rare to find one fitting the other.

Once could equally take you to task for your assumption that dominant equals man, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt that was simply an oversight and not your intent.

To make a long story short, the subs here are just talking about there personal preferences. Don't take it personally.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

So anyway, I guess my point is that it takes two to tango. True, a well executed dance requires a good lead, but even the best lead cannot simply inspire their partner to follow in such a way that the dance will come off looking elegant and effortless. Both must spend hours practicing to pull that off.

Tollo

This is a given. One cannot expect a relationship to work when there is one attentive, strong, contributing partner, and one that is lax and uninvolved. That doesn't work. It was assumed by me, that either Dom/me or sub, in the cases that were posting, were those who were contributing, working in their relationships, commenting on those we have experienced who were NOT contributing members.

This thread wasn't a rant, when I began it. It was a comparison between two methods of domination I see much used. It was a praising of the method I more admire, and more mould myself to. It was a recognition of those people who have the capability to Dominate, without demanding submission.. they offer Domination in their confidence, in their manner, but without demanding that someone submit.

Daddy, in my case, did not put himself out there to me as a Dominant. I simply saw it in his character, and responded to it. He's not a sadist, he's not rough at all, or even into bondage... he is simply my superior, and by his will, I am inspired to submit to him. It is, how it is. He makes me want to serve him.. he makes me want to please him.. and he did so.. by never expecting it of me.. by never even speaking of BDSM with me. We just... fell into.. the way we are... and have since discussed it and established, more fully, what we are... Daddy went very slow... I fell for him hard and fast.. *smile* He tamed me. It's been wonderful.

 

[Tollo]

sweetnpetite: I must have given you a couple of wrong impressions. I did not mean to assume that male = dominant, I was simply responding to the discussion which had focused exclusively on males (both dominants and submissves) who had made asses of themselves. Also, I do not think that I had taken anyone's comments personally, but certainly the topic had struck some chord in me, so maybe you were picking up on something that I was not aware of as I was writing...

Miss Lilith: On the one hand, I think I can understand where you were coming from in your first post. From the responses here, (and from another current post) it appears that there are a lot of people out there, mostly men, who actually expect any submissive to be their submissive. Men who "command" to be recognized and obeyed as dominants by any woman who identifies herself as a submissive. To me this is so absurd that I would never have guessed that it was as common as it (sadly) appears to be. In that context your distinction between "commanded" and "inspired" makes perfect sense.

On the other hand, when I consider this distinction and how it applies to a real and genuine relationship between two committed individuals, it strikes me as unrealistic to expect such a level of pure, effortless dominance from one's partner (and conversely for the submissive.) That was all that I was trying to get across in my first post.

It sounds as though you have a wonderful relationship and I am glad for you. I too feel very fortunate in the relationship that I have. I love and respect my partner, A., and I cherish her submission. I cannot "command" it. No doubt if I could I would not value it so highly.

Tollo

 

[Private_Label]

I was having a discussion today with a friend of mine who, while she has a submissive streak in her personality, rebels against the idea of being commanded to be submissive.

Now, by "command", I don't mean "commands or orders within a defined D/s, M/s relationship". I mean the "I think I'm a Dom/me, and therefore, you must call me Sir/Mistress, even though we're just joking around/just met online/aren't involved".

Maybe that doesn't make sense.

ANyway. She and I came to the conclusion that anyone who tries.. really really TRIES to make either she or I submit, through their language, actions, body language, behaviour, etc, is a real turn-off... and that we'll both rebel against those types of Dom/mes. It's that lack of self-control, that makes those particular Dom/mes try too hard to assert their dominance, I feel.

A good Dom/me to me, is someone who doesn't HAVE to command. They simply inspire my submissive side. Just by knowing them, I want to please them. Just by being around them, I am inspired to serve. It's not an effort for either party, to fall into that sort of comfort.. it's simply a kinship that is felt.


Maybe that doesn't make sense. I don't know. Just some thoughts I had.

LOL... the first time my friend said "I order you..." during an OL conversation I said, "I'm not a waitress. Asking me works better than telling me to do something." He asked. Later in that conversation he said "you could be my sub?" I said no. I wasn't ready/didn't know enough/wrong mindset to say anything but no. If a dominant approaches me the wrong way - they get a NO too.

And then over time something shifted - and now I rarely say no to him on line or by phone... and there is one thing I would do in a heartbeat if he asked - but I think it will be a long time, possibly never. But if a good match came my way, I'd be open to discussing moving closer - but I would have to fell something for the person and know a good bit about them and have respect for them first.

you know all you have to do is ask and I would be looking for the next flight out don't you?