Coping with ADD and writing/life

[EmilyMiller]

Treating a symptom and not a cause is all too common with medical practices who are under resourced, under time constraints or unaware of the fire in the room as they open a window to let out the smoke. AFAIK you can't medicate for ASD, but they can be a sticky-plaster to get you through a problem with which you're struggling. Clearly unless you tackle the cause, you'll continue to struggle and needs the meds. ( Just for fun, people who are ASD often react differently to medication, but they'll give you something to relieve the side-effects .... )

Who is the best person to find the cause? Often you, but despite having the brain the size of a planet we all need an outside perspective: it can be a chance remark, something we read or see online or by speaking to a decent counsellor. Even the diagnosis is helpful: initially prompting you to recatalogue every memory, but then hopefully learning to forgive yourself and your short-comings. No, dammit, you are not invincible... and that's okay.

So when I hear 'I'm only a little bit autistic so ....' a bell rings in my head . It's not the degree of severity by itself, but the effect it has on your life. An alcoholic may function fine 90% of the time, then they drop down dead from organ failure. You may function fine for most of the time, but when things go wrong it's catastrophic... and that's not good.

I'm kinda jealous of people that stim, because when I see someone do it, I know just how they feel. My little-bit-of-autism won't fucking let me do that. I've long since learned to look at people's eyes but forget the toll it takes on me to do it. When people hug me they're hugging anxiety into me.

I've written my autism into my characters, not to be preachy, but to make them fallible and real. I admit there is a therapeutic value in putting it down on paper ( for me anyway ). If nothing else, I think writing about an autistic character normalises it for NT folks. Same for any mental health issue - if you don't speak about it, no one gets the chance to learn... which is kinda selfish

That'll be $1.50
I am not a counsellor and any opinions expressed here are purely fantasy and mostly BS

Here, have $5. Keep the change .

Em

PS Thought I was replying to a PM there!

 

[Bramblethorn]

So when I hear 'I'm only a little bit autistic so ....' a bell rings in my head .

Those who've already heard my rant about "functioning" labels, feel free to skip...

My big issue with "low/high-functioning", "only a little bit autistic", "autism"/"Aspergers" etc. etc. is that they almost always end up prioritising how other people experience one's autism. There's still an echo of the 1930s attitude that the most important question about autistic people is not whether we're happy but whether we're useful, or a burden on others.



It's really easy to internalise that. I still struggle with recognising my own emotions, knowing when I'm stressed or sad or whatever, and I suspect some of that comes back to way too many formative experiences where I was taught that how I felt wasn't important, what mattered was being able to make other people feel comfortable. I see it in my partner even more than myself. One of my challenges with supporting autistic/ADHD colleagues at work is that so many don't even know what accommodations to ask for because they're just not used to being able to ask for what they need, even when it's easy things to give. People afraid that if they ask to get a copy of their job interviews in writing a few minutes before the live interview, they might seem unreasonable and demanding :-/

 

[EmilyMiller]

Those who've already heard my rant about "functioning" labels, feel free to skip...

My big issue with "low/high-functioning", "only a little bit autistic", "autism"/"Aspergers" etc. etc. is that they almost always end up prioritising how other people experience one's autism. There's still an echo of the 1930s attitude that the most important question about autistic people is not whether we're happy but whether we're useful, or a burden on others.

View attachment 2284282

It's really easy to internalise that. I still struggle with recognising my own emotions, knowing when I'm stressed or sad or whatever, and I suspect some of that comes back to way too many formative experiences where I was taught that how I felt wasn't important, what mattered was being able to make other people feel comfortable. I see it in my partner even more than myself. One of my challenges with supporting autistic/ADHD colleagues at work is that so many don't even know what accommodations to ask for because they're just not used to being able to ask for what they need, even when it's easy things to give. People afraid that if they ask to get a copy of their job interviews in writing a few minutes before the live interview, they might seem unreasonable and demanding :-/

That’s given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

I definitely have that, I don’t want to bother others with my problem thing.

Em

 

[stickygirl]

Here, have $5. Keep the change .

Em

PS Thought I was replying to a PM there!

My post was mostly prompted by you, not directed specifically at you. Anyone making posts here is "doing pretty well. They can type, and their grammar is good and they do colouring-in too..." As Brambles says, we're often discouraged from asking for help, even when the solution can be so simple - like giving up a few minutes to listen to someone.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I've written my autism into my characters, not to be preachy, but to make them fallible and real. I admit there is a therapeutic value in putting it down on paper ( for me anyway). If nothing else, I think writing about an autistic character normalises it for NT folks. Same for any mental health issue - if you don't speak about it, no one gets the chance to learn... which is kinda selfish

This. My friendship with Stickygirl (who I first contacted to help with writing a transgender character, followed by two collaborations and a bunch of editing for her), taught me more about ND adults than anything I'd ever read or experienced in a workplace (which was not much). The AH has also been an eye-opener, with a high percentage of ND participants.

 

[darkride]

I've long since learned to look at people's eyes but forget the toll it takes on me to do it. When people hug me they're hugging anxiety into me.

My boss came to my cubicle this afternoon to talk to me about something. She had a notepad, pen, and a cup of coffee in her hands. She put the cup down, so she at least had 1 hand to help her to talk. Later she put the pad and pen down as well, so she could talk more freely with both hands. She picked each item up from time to time during the conversation, then put them back again. She made a note now and then on the pad, too. All of this of course I took in whilst trying to find that right balance of eye contact. Am I staring? Look away. But look back again before she thinks I'm not paying her attention. That would be rude. Don't want to be rude. Make a few verbal reactions at the appropriate times. Harder to do face to face versus over the cubicle wall - as well as the responses, I've got make sure my facial responses are appropriate. Do I look fat resting my hand on my stomach like that? Maybe move it. Naturally though. Where do I put it now? This just feels awkward. What are hands meant to do?

*sigh*

Yes, hugs are very anxious creatures... still remember hugging Megan back in Nov 1995. It was a very much appreciated hug, but god she was bony! Still can't believe how bony she felt.

Brains, huh...

 

[Bramblethorn]

My boss came to my cubicle this afternoon to talk to me about something. She had a notepad, pen, and a cup of coffee in her hands. She put the cup down, so she at least had 1 hand to help her to talk. Later she put the pad and pen down as well, so she could talk more freely with both hands. She picked each item up from time to time during the conversation, then put them back again. She made a note now and then on the pad, too. All of this of course I took in whilst trying to find that right balance of eye contact. Am I staring? Look away. But look back again before she thinks I'm not paying her attention. That would be rude. Don't want to be rude. Make a few verbal reactions at the appropriate times. Harder to do face to face versus over the cubicle wall - as well as the responses, I've got make sure my facial responses are appropriate. Do I look fat resting my hand on my stomach like that? Maybe move it. Naturally though. Where do I put it now? This just feels awkward. What are hands meant to do?

This is from a story I posted six years ago:

There’s a stereotype that we hate interacting with other people, which isn’t quite correct. I like almost everybody and in many situations I enjoy talking; it’s just that it wears me out. When I talk to you I’m doing all sorts of mental work just to maintain the semblance of a normal conversation: am I making enough eye contact? Am I talking too much, or too little? If I fold my arms, are you going to read something into that? What sort of emotions should I be portraying here?

 

[stickygirl]

My boss came to my cubicle this afternoon to talk to me about something. She had a notepad, pen, and a cup of coffee in her hands. She put the cup down, so she at least had 1 hand to help her to talk. Later she put the pad and pen down as well, so she could talk more freely with both hands. She picked each item up from time to time during the conversation, then put them back again. She made a note now and then on the pad, too. All of this of course I took in whilst trying to find that right balance of eye contact. Am I staring? Look away. But look back again before she thinks I'm not paying her attention. That would be rude. Don't want to be rude. Make a few verbal reactions at the appropriate times. Harder to do face to face versus over the cubicle wall - as well as the responses, I've got make sure my facial responses are appropriate. Do I look fat resting my hand on my stomach like that? Maybe move it. Naturally though. Where do I put it now? This just feels awkward. What are hands meant to do?

*sigh*

Yes, hugs are very anxious creatures... still remember hugging Megan back in Nov 1995. It was a very much appreciated hug, but god she was bony! Still can't believe how bony she felt.

Brains, huh...

There's a classic book I read, which may have been superseded, called the Psychology of Interpersonal Relationships by Michael Argyll. After reading it, it took me six months to stop checking to see how often people glanced when speaking/listening, how close we stood/sat and a plethora of other innate skills.

Save to say, as a man ( sorry haven't checked but making an assumption ) you can simply tilt your head slightly and nod occasionally as you listen. Men do this much more than women and it actually shows you are listening. A man looking back with long glances is often perceived as a challenge, often a cue to 'please stop talking, I have something to say'.

Your stomach doesn't look fat and she doesn't care because she noticed months ago. Holding a pen in your hand is a good prop and still looks professional - gentle pen fiddling is okay but don't start tapping it rhythmically!! Being human is tough

 

[stickygirl]

This is from a story I posted six years ago:

You've helped me so much over the years. I don't know if I've said it before but it's worth a repeat.

I remember your post ages ago, when you said those auties whose condition means they will always need support and daily care are the lucky ones. It's the people who can just about cope for a working day, then have a meltdown as soon as they're home - they are the people overlooked and the ones who may end up so desperate they do rash things...
That makes so much sense and gave me permission to own my autism.

...and sorry, I've taken the thread away from ADD
Oh but here's a link to an interview with Fern Brady, a very Scots autistic comedian

 

[EmilyMiller]

Can I thank @darkride for starting this thread. And I hope others don’t feel the auties are taking it over.

Em

 

[stickygirl]

Can I thank @darkride for starting this thread. And I hope others don’t feel the auties are taking it over.

Em

We are, but it's best if we don't tell them.

 

[EmilyMiller]

We are, but it's best if we don't tell them.

Sorry - I didn’t get the memo. I’m guessing it was one about The Protocols of the Elders of Autism, right? Those go to spam sometimes.

Em

 

[MillieDynamite]

My father has always had a serious case of AADD. It shows in conversations at times when he takes a left turn, diverting everyone from what they were talking about, and then a hard right when he realizes he derailed things. But when he writes, he has coping mechanisms to stay on track. I'd worry about having it if I wasn't adopted. Sis has it and is a bit bipolar on top of that. My brother is a sweetheart, purely in the platonic family sort of way, and his own issues. He spent a full year with us when his first marriage evaporated. I was actually quite upset when he moved away. Anytime he is going through OKC, he comes by for at least a short visit. As he is a hotshot trucker, if he can route his course near Mum and Dad, me, or Sis, he does. I think he has something like AADD. When I first came to live with my parents, he was a hotel manager, then a mechanic, and now a self-employed hotshot driver.

Everyone in my adopted family, close or extended, has some issues. I think this is more normal than not.

 

[stickygirl]

Just saw this YT about the shortage of ADHD drug shortage
I don't know anything about the available drugs but it seems like drugs companies continue to cynically exploit their captive market

 

[Bighammerfucker]

Another with autism and ADHD here, though my symptoms mimic bipolar mania on (quite regular) occasion. God help us - pray for me to get my writing muse back as I’m writing this post instead of my story. Anyway haha

It’s definitely a thing that some kind of ADHD/autism/bipolar combo seems to make a lot of us creative writers sorta binge write and then struggle for long periods of time. Life def doesn’t help. I have mandatory overtime in my job, burn out, maintaining physical fitness and whatever else. It seems the reality of adult life is having to choose all the time - writing or dating? Physical fitness or other self-care? Ugh

I have hit NaNoWriMo quota 4-5 times in my life. I have rewritten 160,000 words in a space of 2 months (60,000 of which were original). But alas it is HARD. I was only able to achieve that after hardcore building a strict routine with my gym beforehand. Self-discipline must be a thing and the best of us cannot always maintain it. I simply was extremely self-disciplined at the gym, for over a year beforehand, and then swapped out my priority for writing for a while to hit that word count. Being somewhat manic does really help; feverish, even. But it’s not advisable. Balance would be better, but due to trauma, ADHD, mania, autism - I cannot maintain that for the life of me. It must be one thing or another, always extremes. I can “chill” but it doesn’t last long, and I don’t like it. Time chilling is almost time wasted. I can do better … but do I ever? That is the question. I have 550,000 words posted (not on this site) over the last 12 years, but most are old. It’s not enough, I want to write many novels - but I’m obsessed with my job. Job must come first, I have things I am trying to do irl that are nearly impossible for me, and I only get one life to try to achieve them.

God help us, haha.

 

[Bighammerfucker]

By the way, while being autistic comes at a price, it is for sure a gift in others. Especially if you are like me and have incredibly rare special interest. You can achieve great things with manic hyperfocus/limited/rare interest. At the expense of your sanity over time? Maybe haha. But. You get one life. You have to choose - are you meant for the typical, or the atypical?

 

[stickygirl]

Another with autism and ADHD here, though my symptoms mimic bipolar mania on (quite regular) occasion. God help us - pray for me to get my writing muse back as I’m writing this post instead of my story. Anyway haha

It’s definitely a thing that some kind of ADHD/autism/bipolar combo seems to make a lot of us creative writers sorta binge write and then struggle for long periods of time. Life def doesn’t help. I have mandatory overtime in my job, burn out, maintaining physical fitness and whatever else. It seems the reality of adult life is having to choose all the time - writing or dating? Physical fitness or other self-care? Ugh

I have hit NaNoWriMo quota 4-5 times in my life. I have rewritten 160,000 words in a space of 2 months (60,000 of which were original). But alas it is HARD. I was only able to achieve that after hardcore building a strict routine with my gym beforehand. Self-discipline must be a thing and the best of us cannot always maintain it. I simply was extremely self-disciplined at the gym, for over a year beforehand, and then swapped out my priority for writing for a while to hit that word count. Being somewhat manic does really help; feverish, even. But it’s not advisable. Balance would be better, but due to trauma, ADHD, mania, autism - I cannot maintain that for the life of me. It must be one thing or another, always extremes. I can “chill” but it doesn’t last long, and I don’t like it. Time chilling is almost time wasted. I can do better … but do I ever? That is the question. I have 550,000 words posted (not on this site) over the last 12 years, but most are old. It’s not enough, I want to write many novels - but I’m obsessed with my job. Job must come first, I have things I am trying to do irl that are nearly impossible for me, and I only get one life to try to achieve them.

God help us, haha.

Don't forget you're only flesh and blood and in my book, chilling isn't time wasted. Maybe call it meditation and you'll feel better about it!

 

[onehitwanda]

I am a big softie and I just want to to give all of you so many hugs right now.

 

[stickygirl]

I am a big softie and I just want to to give all of you so many hugs right now.

Could we just fist bump? Or send me cake

 

[onehitwanda]

Could we just fist bump? Or send me cake

For you, my lovely, I could do both.

 

[stickygirl]

For you, my lovely, I could do both.

Carrot cake and you earn sexual merits

 

[onehitwanda]

Carrot cake and you earn sexual merits

There's a farm stall nearby that does carrot cake that I would, no jokes, commit murder for. I don't know what black magic they use when they make it, but numerous other women around here reckon it's better than sex with their hubbies.

 

[AwkwardMD]

ADHD and autism here. I'm lucky in that the thing I autistically hyperfocus on is writing, but if I get blocked up or can't write for any length of time I really start to lose it.

 

[stickygirl]

There's a farm stall nearby that does carrot cake that I would, no jokes, commit murder for. I don't know what black magic they use when they make it, but numerous other women around here reckon it's better than sex with their hubbies.

*nods*
I've had better carrot cake than orgasms and only have a bf. There will always be carrot cake but husbands come and go...

 

[stickygirl]

ADHD and autism here. I'm lucky in that the thing I autistically hyperfocus on is writing, but if I get blocked up or can't write for any length of time I really start to lose it.

I'm in a barren phase, mentally gridlocked by a half-formed novel that refuses to coalesce. Guilt gets old fast so I'm happy doing other stuff.