Cuckold Appreciation

[policywank]

My husband has made the point to me that the psychological and emotional elements of cuckolding are far more compelling than the simple physical act of sex in almost all cases except with me. Perhaps he is saying that to feed my ego, but I think he means it and there is a reason for that.

While he didn't have the same kind of experience I did when we had an open relationship, it wasn't that he couldn't get laid. He got a decent amount of action and he is a good looking guy. But he found it to be rather vanilla and the time and energy it took from our sex life didn't seem worth it to him. The other women that he dated - even the ones ok with a simple hook-up - were not nearly as receptive to sexual adventure as the other men that I dated. The fact that I am adventurous and very accepting of all of his kinks sets me apart in his mind and he sees that as almost universally preferable to what others offer.

I remember that at one point we were both casually dating other people. One night his date cancelled and I went out on my date. This had happened before and there were frequently times when I had a date and he didn't. That could be a source of angst for him. But on this night he decided he was just as happy to stay and watch the game and just as happy to not have me there and be worrying about whether I was enjoying myself. I made a point of coming home around 11:00 - enough time to fuck my date but also be available to my husband. He enjoyed his game and was very happy to see me when I got home. As he tells it that night was better than any of the times he was out with other women (which often led to us not having a chance to intersect). Not only was it a relief to let go of the need to "keep up" with me, but the sexual titillation of knowing I was fucking another guy but that my husband would also have his sexual needs attended to was better than anything he experienced with other women.

That was an eye opener for me - the titillation of knowing I was fucking another guy (but would come back to him) was more appealing than being with another woman. I think that a lot of guys don't even see this as a possibility, but it is a simple reality for cuckolds.

 

[jimmyturtleman]

As a fully committed cuckold, I believe we are born that way. I have had many opportunities for sex with other women during our marriage and I am definitely voyeuristic, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that compares to seeing or knowing my wife is having sex with another man. Even if I did end up having sex with another woman I know it wouldn’t compare to what I have with my wife, so I just don’t feel the need to act on it.
She is everything to me and I don’t need another woman…….

Very well said. I couldn't have said it any better. Earlier this year, my wife was hooking up with an old boyfriend from her high school days. She suggested that I might want to find another woman to have sex with, as a way of balancing things out. I told her that I didn't need another woman, nor want another woman. She quickly retracted her statement, saying that she could NOT stand the thought of me being with another woman, yet I still fully support her sexual relationships with other men. I guess that makes me a fully committed cuckold too.

 

[Islander55]

Yes, I think that you are correct. He does enjoy those things.

It is interesting to reflect on how much of that came about because it is in his nature versus circumstance. The desire to see naked women is presumably fairly innate. But the desire to see and know about me having sex with other men is something that developed over time. Was it always there and perhaps suppressed by societal expectations when he was younger or did it develop over time?

There was a time when our marriage was open. Like many men, the prospect of being able to be with other women was tantalizing to him but the reality of it was different for him than it is for me. If he'd had sexual opportunities comparable to mine would he have focussed more on that or was he destined to become the voyeur that he is in any event?

I think a bit of both. He had sexual opportunity, but it was less than what I had and he quickly decided that it just wasn't that compelling. Maybe if women had been throwing themselves at him like a male fantasy it would be different. But he did readily adapt to the role of voyeur and from what he says it feels very natural to him.

 

[Islander55]

Yes, I think that you are correct. He does enjoy those things.

It is interesting to reflect on how much of that came about because it is in his nature versus circumstance. The desire to see naked women is presumably fairly innate. But the desire to see and know about me having sex with other men is something that developed over time. Was it always there and perhaps suppressed by societal expectations when he was younger or did it develop over time?

There was a time when our marriage was open. Like many men, the prospect of being able to be with other women was tantalizing to him but the reality of it was different for him than it is for me. If he'd had sexual opportunities comparable to mine would he have focussed more on that or was he destined to become the voyeur that he is in any event?

I think a bit of both. He had sexual opportunity, but it was less than what I had and he quickly decided that it just wasn't that compelling. Maybe if women had been throwing themselves at him like a male fantasy it would be different. But he did readily adapt to the role of voyeur and from what he says it feels very natural to him.

I would think it is something that most men develop over time. I have talked with my husband about it quite a bit and he says he always enjoyed seeing naked women and other people having sex. Porn and erotic stories was something that always interested him but he had never really thought about watching his wife have sex. When we talked about our experiences with other partners, he was totally hooked on wanting to watch me do another man. Like you mentioned at 65, he quickly concluded that it would not be easy for him to get with other females for no strings sex. I think he came to enjoy watching me do another man as much as participating himself.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

I would think it is something that most men develop over time. I have talked with my husband about it quite a bit and he says he always enjoyed seeing naked women and other people having sex. Porn and erotic stories was something that always interested him but he had never really thought about watching his wife have sex. When we talked about our experiences with other partners, he was totally hooked on wanting to watch me do another man. Like you mentioned at 65, he quickly concluded that it would not be easy for him to get with other females for no strings sex. I think he came to enjoy watching me do another man as much as participating himself.

I think you’ve hit on a truth here, for men at least. We’ve gone through three or four generations where porn has been readily available in a video medium. Not just your Grandaddy’s Playboy’s but real people bumping uglies. I’d agree it’s an innate desire to want to see naked women or men but the proliferation of porn on the big screen (now little screen) has definitely fanned the flames of voyeurism on many levels.

I know I was exposed to porn at an early age, and like your husband it wasn’t until we were a little older that I was interested in seeing her fully bloom sexually. I’m sure there’s a correlation. Of course I can only speak for men as I don’t remember many of the girls growing up consuming porn…at least not at the levels my friends and I were.

 

[policywank]

I think you’ve hit on a truth here, for men at least. We’ve gone through three or four generations where porn has been readily available in a video medium. Not just your Grandaddy’s Playboy’s but real people bumping uglies. I’d agree it’s an innate desire to want to see naked women or men but the proliferation of porn on the big screen (now little screen) has definitely fanned the flames of voyeurism on many levels.

I know I was exposed to porn at an early age, and like your husband it wasn’t until we were a little older that I was interested in seeing her fully bloom sexually. I’m sure there’s a correlation. Of course I can only speak for men as I don’t remember many of the girls growing up consuming porn…at least not at the levels my friends and I were.

Porn has also proliferated in terms of the range of what it portrays. It has moved far beyond sex that was - albeit somewhat dirty - comparatively vanilla, heterosexual and male centric. Grandaddy's Playboy portrayed an idealized version of sexy women with no men in the picture. Most of the guys looking at those pictures idealized their role (i.e. stud) in their fantasy.

But then slowly we started to involve more explicit scenes which involved her pleasure. That brought into focus both the notion of what would please her and the notion of taking enjoyment from watching her being pleasured - both move beyond men simply getting their rocks off. Today the range has expanded to explicitly recognize the appeal of a studly man to her and the prospect that most men don't fit that profile.

In my day the understanding of the appeal of seeing a woman fully bloom sexually only came about from one's own maturity and expanding horizons. A lot of guys just stayed with the basic male centric wank material. But nowadays the porn itself portrays a wide range of male roles including voyeur and non-stud and it puts more emphasis on female pleasure, even if it is in a campy way that mainly feeds the male ego. It isn't just the heterosexual stud role that is show to us anymore. Now we are shown the voyeuristic cuckold role, which in an odd way is more inclusive of the range of interests.

 

[Justfantasies]

In much of porn and the broader world I believe that the role of the cuckold is poorly understood, especially in the way it is regarded with derision. For this purpose I take the view that any man who supports his wife having sex with other men but does not himself have sex with other women (or is restricted in this regard) is a cuckold. I know there are differences of opinion on terminology but that really isn't the point of this thread.

Amongst people engaged or interested in this dynamic and in any literature that takes it seriously the cuckold is a man who appreciates his wife and is very much appreciated by his wife. Some couples engage in fetish play while others don't. For those that do it is a sort of psychological BDSM. Regardless of how it appears to the observer it is fully consensual, both partners enjoy it and underneath it all is a genuine mutual appreciation. I have never actually met, talked to or heard of a hotwife who actually views her cuckold with derision and disdain or who would stand idly by while another man is being genuinely abusive and hurtful towards him.

Do other people have a different experience?

Why are people who can comprehend a couple who has an open marriage (even if it isn't their thing) seemingly unable to comprehend this lifestyle?

Why are people who can comprehend a couple having a penchant for BDSM unable to comprehend a desire for cuckold fetish play?

Probably we all need something to disapprove of, or at least to laugh about.

 

[policywank]

I am not sure really.

I know when I was dating a few years ago, I was shocked at how the dating world had really changed. There was a disproportionate amount of ladies looking for relationships then men, but most were looking for one night stands too. It would seem like a dream come true for a man, and especially after having a long term marriage. But it was just not for me, and I suspect for your husband as well.

I am sure personality has a lot to do with it, but shallow, impersonal sex has no interest for me. To know what a lady likes, and then really give that to her, is what I love, but that takes getting to know her. To some degree, sharing my wife played into that. I understand her needs are more varied and different, and to be hit on by another man, and know our marriage would be intact even if she gave in to her advances, let her be herself without fear or shame.

From my end of things, I hope the other man enjoys the pleasures of my wife, but I also kind of feel sorry for him because he is being played. He thinks his smooth-talk is making this married lady a conquest, but really she is using him to break up monogamous sex. All is not what it seems. I appreciate having the freedom to have sex with another woman, but it is not what I truly want. I am more turned on by my wife getting what she really wants even if it is from another man. I am confident enough to know that she will take care of my sexual needs, and that delayed gratification is also intense gratification. As a married couple, we share a life together that is entirely based on sex, while with him, it is just a shallow one night stand. I have no reason to be jealous of that... nor want that with another lady.

One of the things that my husband noted when he was dating other women is that they seemed less flexible in terms of the parameters of their relationship than the men that I met. A lot of people men and women default to seeing sexual relations in binary terms - either it is part of a relationship that is or has the potential to become exclusive or it is a meaningless hook-up. Neither he or I are interested in those options.

But when I talk to a lover about an ongoing relationship that involves real emotions, a personal connection and sex which will never supplant my primary relationship, most or at least many are open to this scenario. Even if it isn't something they normally consider that is because they aren't used to it being available, but they aren't instinctively averse to it. It may not be all that they want long term, but many are open to enjoying it while it lasts.

My husband did not have the same experience. Obviously he couldn't offer a long-term commitment and he was not willing to mislead them otherwise. And a quick fuck or hook-up was usually disappointing. I think that if the third option - which characterizes almost all of my extra-marital relations - had been available to him he might have been more interested in that.

 

[Escierto]

One of the things that my husband noted when he was dating other women is that they seemed less flexible in terms of the parameters of their relationship than the men that I met. A lot of people men and women default to seeing sexual relations in binary terms - either it is part of a relationship that is or has the potential to become exclusive or it is a meaningless hook-up. Neither he or I are interested in those options.

But when I talk to a lover about an ongoing relationship that involves real emotions, a personal connection and sex which will never supplant my primary relationship, most or at least many are open to this scenario. Even if it isn't something they normally consider that is because they aren't used to it being available, but they aren't instinctively averse to it. It may not be all that they want long term, but many are open to enjoying it while it lasts.

My husband did not have the same experience. Obviously he couldn't offer a long-term commitment and he was not willing to mislead them otherwise. And a quick fuck or hook-up was usually disappointing. I think that if the third option - which characterizes almost all of my extra-marital relations - had been available to him he might have been more interested in that.

Very interesting post. Why do you think that the women wanted more than the men? You say that the men that you have been with are content to have what you offer them but the women that your husband encountered were not. Any ideas?

 

[policywank]

Very interesting post. Why do you think that the women wanted more than the men? You say that the men that you have been with are content to have what you offer them but the women that your husband encountered were not. Any ideas?

I am not sure but I do have a theory.

The nature of gender relations is till largely one in which men are expected to make the first move, but women set the terms of engagement. Partly this is a function of tradition and perhaps the view that we are the fairer sex. But it is also a necessity for women insofar as we are the ones who bare the vast majority of the risk of being judged and punished by society, our peers and our future mate.

From my husband's perspective his points of contact with other women were largely dictated by his ability/willingness to make the approach. And he had very little ability to convince a woman to alter the terms of engagement, so he was limited to trying to find a woman who already wanted what he wanted which was rare.

From my perspective I get approached often (just by virtue of being a woman) and I can greatly increase my points of contact with prospective partners simply by altering my "look" a little bit and by initiating first contact with men that appeal to me. And having established that point of contact if I suggest a unique set of rules of engagement most guys are receptive. It may or may not be what they want, but they see little downside in giving it a try. Their idea of the limits to the rules of engagement is largely dictated by tradition and expectations. When I suggest that we have an intimate sexual relationship that is non-exclusive many men respond with something along the lines of "ya sure, I didn't know that was an option".

My husband finds he has better sexual experiences with me and with the few friends (single or other hot wives) with which I facilitate sexual experiences with him. Would he go elsewhere as well if that was fertile ground? Yes, probably and I would happily support him. But it isn't fertile ground and that is beyond either of our control.

 

[Escierto]

Fascinating. Basically it comes down to setting the terms for the engagement. It appears that women have control over this. Therefore you are able to decide the terms of engagement for your partners but your husband cannot do so with his partners.

We always think that in the patriarchy men control everything but in this case, that does not seem to be true. Controlling the terms of the engagement is a very powerful thing.

Thank you for your very informative and intriguing response.

 

[policywank]

Fascinating. Basically it comes down to setting the terms for the engagement. It appears that women have control over this. Therefore you are able to decide the terms of engagement for your partners but your husband cannot do so with his partners.

We always think that in the patriarchy men control everything but in this case, that does not seem to be true. Controlling the terms of the engagement is a very powerful thing.

Thank you for your very informative and intriguing response.

Yes, plus I think that men are generally more open to terms of engagement that are non-traditional as long as they are getting sex.

 

[Justfantasies]

Yes, plus I think that men are generally more open to terms of engagement that are non-traditional as long as they are getting sex.

Completely agree about what guys need is sex -- and women set the rules of engagement. It has been ever the case. Some of us never did get those traditional rules of engagement in any case

 

[policywank]

Fascinating. Basically it comes down to setting the terms for the engagement. It appears that women have control over this. Therefore you are able to decide the terms of engagement for your partners but your husband cannot do so with his partners.

We always think that in the patriarchy men control everything but in this case, that does not seem to be true. Controlling the terms of the engagement is a very powerful thing.

Thank you for your very informative and intriguing response.

When we think of the patriarchy controlling things, there is (or was) an element of men setting the menu from which women could choose. The guys that were available to us were the ones that approached us (we were expected to or inclined to wait to be approached) and the terms of engagement were the ones that wouldn't get us ostracized from society. Hence we chose from the menu set by men, which did give men a lot of control.

But while it might still look like that on the surface, in modern times we find that if we order something not on the menu men are broadly receptive. And importantly for women who really want to control our outcomes we don't need to limit ourselves to the guys who approach us (which, without generalizing too much tends to be certain types of guys, which may not be what we want).

 

[policywank]

Completely agree about what guys need is sex -- and women set the rules of engagement. It has been ever the case. Some of us never did get those traditional rules of engagement in any case

I think that if guys can accept this more broadly they would get a lot more action.

The practical manifestation of women controlling the terms of engagement is that we don't usually come right out and dictate terms to every guy because that invites petty backlash and may risk violence. So, what happens is that the guys who seem to want to have it their way get rejected. And those that we see are more malleable (based upon the way they approach us) get a better shot at hearing what will work.

It is actually kind of funny when you think about the way a lot of men approach women. Reading between the lines it is some version of "I want to take you home for what may or may not be a satisfying experience, but I'll act like a big baby if you don't think it was amazing. You owe me sex if I do nice things for you even if you didn't ask me to do those things or actively told me to stop. And if you do give in to my advances I reserve the right to talk shit about you afterwards." Lol. Then if we say 'no' they accuse us of being frigid or a bitch or some other version of not wanting sex. That is nonsense. We just don't like the terms. Some of us just do without and others find a way to establish better terms. But very few give in and accept that ridiculous nonsense once we get a taste of it.

 

[Justfantasies]

I think that if guys can accept this more broadly they would get a lot more action.

The practical manifestation of women controlling the terms of engagement is that we don't usually come right out and dictate terms to every guy because that invites petty backlash and may risk violence. So, what happens is that the guys who seem to want to have it their way get rejected. And those that we see are more malleable (based upon the way they approach us) get a better shot at hearing what will work.

It is actually kind of funny when you think about the way a lot of men approach women. Reading between the lines it is some version of "I want to take you home for what may or may not be a satisfying experience, but I'll act like a big baby if you don't think it was amazing. You owe me sex if I do nice things for you even if you didn't ask me to do those things or actively told me to stop. And if you do give in to my advances I reserve the right to talk shit about you afterwards." Lol. Then if we say 'no' they accuse us of being frigid or a bitch or some other version of not wanting sex. That is nonsense. We just don't like the terms. Some of us just do without and others find a way to establish better terms. But very few give in and accept that ridiculous nonsense once we get a taste of it.

Reminds of a phrase in a Leonard Cohen song -- "A husband leads a wife commands." (He clearly wasn't talking about bitchy women).

I wish when I was very young I understood there were terms of engagement. As soon as I did, I had a lot more fun. I suppose just making it obvious that I understood there were terms made me more attractive

 

[policywank]

Reminds of a phrase in a Leonard Cohen song -- "A husband leads a wife commands." (He clearly wasn't talking about bitchy women).

I wish when I was very young I understood there were terms of engagement. As soon as I did, I had a lot more fun. I suppose just making it obvious that I understood there were terms made me more attractive

It might have made you more attractive or even just removed a barrier. I have had lots of experiences with guys where I was thinking "hey I'd give you a chance if not for the fact that I don't quite trust how you'd respond to me telling you what I really want." I guess I can never really know for sure, but we do get a feeling or impression.

 

[Justfantasies]

Removed a barrier for sure . . . I really was a silly young boy even in my 20s. I just didn't get that women liked sex as much as guys. I can't even blame it on my parents. Comes from being too nerdy, I expect.

 

[policywank]

Removed a barrier for sure . . . I really was a silly young boy even in my 20s. I just didn't get that women liked sex as much as guys. I can't even blame it on my parents. Comes from being too nerdy, I expect.

Maybe. But I think that all of society was projecting a distorted image. And we were all co-opted by pressure from a few prominent voices that compelled others to comply and support that point of view.

This one sounds silly now, but I remember a guy I knew in my teens saying he didn’t jerk off because a real man didn’t need to do that (I dunno whether because he was supposed to have a woman to do that or because he was supposed to resist). I asked one of my older male cousins and he just broke out laughing.

 

[Justfantasies]

Maybe. But I think that all of society was projecting a distorted image. And we were all co-opted by pressure from a few prominent voices that compelled others to comply and support that point of view.

This one sounds silly now, but I remember a guy I knew in my teens saying he didn’t jerk off because a real man didn’t need to do that (I dunno whether because he was supposed to have a woman to do that or because he was supposed to resist). I asked one of my older male cousins and he just broke out laughing.

I'm with your cousin on that one

 

[jimmyturtleman]

Maybe. But I think that all of society was projecting a distorted image. And we were all co-opted by pressure from a few prominent voices that compelled others to comply and support that point of view.

This one sounds silly now, but I remember a guy I knew in my teens saying he didn’t jerk off because a real man didn’t need to do that (I dunno whether because he was supposed to have a woman to do that or because he was supposed to resist). I asked one of my older male cousins and he just broke out laughing.

Count me in with your cousin on that one too.

 

[drobert44]

Count me in with your cousin on that one too.

LMAO

 

[policywank]

I'm with your cousin on that one

Count me in with your cousin on that one too.

LMAO

Yes I quickly realized that what that guy was saying was bullshit. As near as I can tell every guy jerks off at least once in a while. That level of self delusion or bullshitting has always been very unattractive to me. It belies an obvious lack of awareness and experience and it raises the prospect of their partner having to constantly deal with that disconnect from reality. It is a bit like the guys who say "I always make sure she has an orgasm." No, no you don't. Women just don't work that way. The sentiment is appreciated, but having to manage those delusions can be exhausting.

I suppose society puts pressure on all of us. But I think that men in particular face unique pressure to live up to an expectation of sexual prowess and mastery that is unachievable for many. Maybe that is why I appreciate the cuckold mindset so much. You guys seem to embrace a more realistic view of your own sexuality and your wife' sexuality, which allows us to live more honestly in that aspect of our lives.

 

[Tommelon]

I so much want to share my wife.

 

[jimmyturtleman]

Yes I quickly realized that what that guy was saying was bullshit. As near as I can tell every guy jerks off at least once in a while. That level of self delusion or bullshitting has always been very unattractive to me. It belies an obvious lack of awareness and experience and it raises the prospect of their partner having to constantly deal with that disconnect from reality. It is a bit like the guys who say "I always make sure she has an orgasm." No, no you don't. Women just don't work that way. The sentiment is appreciated, but having to manage those delusions can be exhausting.

I suppose society puts pressure on all of us. But I think that men in particular face unique pressure to live up to an expectation of sexual prowess and mastery that is unachievable for many. Maybe that is why I appreciate the cuckold mindset so much. You guys seem to embrace a more realistic view of your own sexuality and your wife' sexuality, which allows us to live more honestly in that aspect of our lives.

As always, your comments and analysis are "spot on." There is only one exception.

Early on, in our marriage, my wife had to tell me that she was not having an orgasm from intercourse. She had been close, then I would beat her to it, and, well you know how that goes. No orgasm for her. She made it abundantly clear, there would be orgasms, for both of us, or for none of us. For her, it would have been better, to have an orgasm from intercourse, but make no mistake, she would take what I could give her. Oral, manual, or a battery powered device. And while we were at it, I was NOT to stop at one, unless she said so. From that day forward, I am able to say without any fear of my nose growing longer, that "I always made sure she has an orgasm."