cybering == cheating? your take on it

[SweetErika]

I don't think that's possible. While I am personally not comfortable with any outside relationship, that's MY personal feelings. I however don't equate sex outside a marriage(be it cyber or otherwise) with cheating, it's the deception that I equate with cheating. Therefore if consent were given then I would not consider it cheating. If consent weren't given then it would be.

You can't make a decision regardless of consent, I don't think, because what defines cheating to me is that consent.

Well said. I'm not comfortable with hiding or deceiving my spouse in ANY way, even when it comes to something like being on Lit. I don't detail every site I visit, conversation, or activity; I do share what I'm up to and ensure I know his stance on activities like cybering before proceeding, and avoid doing/saying anything I wouldn't welcome him to see. Our honesty has really paid off, and created an environment in which we're comfortable giving each other a lot of freedom.

 

[Brwn_Eyed_Girl]

I believe that cybering is cheating, and altho I have a husband AND significant other, I would consider it cheating on both of them if I cybered with anyone else. (My husband and SO are fully aware of each other and even chat on occassion, but THAT is an entirely different topic of discussion)

 

[Brwn_Eyed_Girl]

I don't think that's possible. While I am personally not comfortable with any outside relationship, that's MY personal feelings. I however don't equate sex outside a marriage(be it cyber or otherwise) with cheating, it's the deception that I equate with cheating. Therefore if consent were given then I would not consider it cheating. If consent weren't given then it would be.

You can't make a decision regardless of consent, I don't think, because what defines cheating to me is that consent.

OH, I really like how you defined it. The consent is key; deception defines the cheating.

 

[cocktan]

perhaps i should rephrase the question... would cybering reguardless of consent make you feel as if you were unfaithful to your SO?

 

[Brwn_Eyed_Girl]

perhaps i should rephrase the question... would cybering reguardless of consent make you feel as if you were unfaithful to your SO?

These days, in my current situation ... YES, but I didn't always feel that way. How's that for an "around your ass to get to your elbow" reply??

 

[Arrow2891]

I don't think it's cheating, unless the persons plan to meet.

 

[Guest]

This is an interesting question, but really it isn't so much about cybering as "what is cheating?" There is a lot of variation in that definition. and a lot of sub definitions to consider, such as

- one's SO/Partner(s)' knowledge or approval/consent
- offline meetings as opposed to online
- emotional affairs as opposed to non-emotional
- And that whole "cheating in one's heart" thing where even viewing pornography is a form of sex with someone other than one's SO/parter(s).

And there isn't a cut and dried answer. This is actually, on review, a very subjective and personal question to which any answer would depend on the circumstances and expectations of the person being asked. "Yes/No" doesn't really seem to cover it.

For me is isn't the activity or where it takes place (online or in a hotel room) that makes something "cheating" or not, but whether or not I am willing to show/tell my SO about it, and to give my SO the option of voicing an opinion about what I am doing that will affect what I do. I might even go so far as to say if I suspected my SO would object to something I'm doing, whether or not I actually know or ask, I'm cheating. Cheating implies secretiveness, concealment, and lying, usually to prevent one's self from getting in trouble (cheating on your taxes, cheating on a test). If you do something and you are reasonably sure your SO wouldn't like it, then you're cheating. If your SO knows, approves, encourages or participates, then it's not.

And I've learned people on Literotica often have very firm and well defined moral codes to govern what they do -- even the wildest, most polyamourous of them.

Not the answer you were looking for, but it's mine

 

[Eilan]

would cybering reguardless of consent make you feel as if you were unfaithful to your SO?

It's not a black or white issue. You seem to think it is.

For me, it would always depend on consent.

 

[siren319]

You assume that the people who post on this so-called porn board have no morals whatsoever.

Because of the lack of options other than "yes" and "no," I was unable to vote, and I'm sure that others who might have responded to the poll feel the same way.

it wasn't that I assumed a lack of morals. But morals change depending on who is interpretting them. Forsome cyber is cheating, for others it is not. For some porn and masturbation are just as bad as cheating, for others it is not. It wasn't a moral judgement I was making on lit. I do not think cyber is cheating. I don't enjoy cybering, and I don't do it but if I caught my husband... it would not be a big deal to me. My sister in law thinks that it is cheating if her husband looks at porn. I buy it for my husband. I don't think of myself as less moral. I think of myself as more secure.

I don't think whether or not cyber is cheating is really a moral dillemma, I think it speaks loudly about how insecure someone is.

 

[Eilan]

But morals change depending on who is interpretting them.

Which is exactly why this poll, with only two options, is flawed to begin with.

As I've already said, I don't consider cyber to be cheating in the relationship that I'm currently in. Some couples, however, consider cyber to be cheating. Whatever works. Neither relationship is invalid.

I don't think whether or not cyber is cheating is really a moral dillemma, I think it speaks loudly about how insecure someone is.

That's obviously part of your definition of cheating, and you're entitled to that. I, however, see it as less about insecurity and more about respecting one's partner's wishes.

 

[siren319]

i have to agree with yo on that one. If it bothers the partner then it has to be considered. I still think it has to do with the insecurity of the spouse. I have never heard a spouse who was opposed argue without these statements coming into play... "I should be enough", "what does he or she have that I don't" or that creeping notion that they don't stack up or that it is some sort of comparison, when really it isn't.

 

[Eilan]

i have to agree with yo on that one. If it bothers the partner then it has to be considered. I still think it has to do with the insecurity of the spouse. I have never heard a spouse who was opposed argue without these statements coming into play... "I should be enough", "what does he or she have that I don't" or that creeping notion that they don't stack up or that it is some sort of comparison, when really it isn't.

About the only way I could see my husband (or myself) becoming opposed to it is if one or the other of us felt that the online stuff was interfering with RL. But that might end up being more of an Internet addiction issue than a cheating issue, if that makes sense. We're not jealous/possessive people.

This thread has sparked some interesting discussion, though I suspect we're not saying exactly what the thread starter wants us to say.

 

[siren319]

maybe the real question should be whether cyber or internet flirting, relationships, porn, etc are filling a void in the marriage or adding to it.

If it is filling a void it will almost definately turn out to be a bad deal and contribute to further breaking the foundation of a r/l relationship.

However if both parties can see the benefit of it, then it is just an addition to. I think you are right about internet addiction. As liberal as I am about what can be done here, I would be less understanding if I were passed over for a cyber romp.

 

[Eilan]

maybe the real question should be whether cyber or internet flirting, relationships, porn, etc are filling a void in the marriage or adding to it.

I think that's a valid question.

As liberal as I am about what can be done here, I would be less understanding if I were passed over for a cyber romp.

Absolutely.

 

[The Gimp]

As long as there is no actual intimate contact exchanged then it's not cheating. Having lunch with a member of the opposite sex is not cheating. Cybering is not cheating. Hell, getting a lap dance isn't cheating either because that's just a business arrangement / entertainment. On the other hand kissing, holding hands with, or getting a blow job from anyone other than your significant other is cheating.

 

[Quoll]

If someone cybers with others and hides it, knowing that his or her partner would be hurt by it, then it's cheating.

I think that covers it for me.

 

[SweetErika]

As long as there is no actual intimate contact exchanged then it's not cheating. Having lunch with a member of the opposite sex is not cheating. Cybering is not cheating. Hell, getting a lap dance isn't cheating either because that's just a business arrangement / entertainment. On the other hand kissing, holding hands with, or getting a blow job from anyone other than your significant other is cheating.

So, having an emotional affair or cybering secretly aren't cheating, but holding hands with someone WITH your significant other's consent IS cheating?

It seems like a lot of the confusion is caused by the failure to distinguish consensual non-monogamy from cheating.

perhaps i should rephrase the question... would cybering reguardless of consent make you feel as if you were unfaithful to your SO?

As Eilan said, there is no 'regardless of consent' because consent is precisely what determines whether or not I feel unfaithful. In other words, in my mind there's nothing wrong with cybering on its own; it only becomes bad/wrong/cheating/unfaithful when it's done without my partner's support.

 

[silverwhisper]

guys, you're missing the point of cocktan's question. implicit in his question, rephrased or otherwise, is the assumption that cybering <> sex.

ed

 

[midwestyankee]

guys, you're missing the point of cocktan's question. implicit in his question, rephrased or otherwise, is the assumption that cybering <> sex.

ed

If your interpretation of the original poster's intent is accurate, that cybering is a form of sex, then I'm a little confused about the need for the poll. It seems to me that the root of the original post is a question about whether or not cybering does, in fact, constitute sex. Otherwise there is no reason to query others on whether or not they think that it's a form of cheating.

You were right earlier when you pointed out that there was no consensus among thread posters with respect to the terms of the discussion.

 

[LadyJeanne]

perhaps i should rephrase the question... would cybering reguardless of consent make you feel as if you were unfaithful to your SO?

I would feel unfaithful if I were attracted to someone and pursued, encouraged, or otherwise was open to a relationship with someone else. That would not ever happen with cybering (if I cybered, which I don't).

 

[cocktan]

...
As Eilan said, there is no 'regardless of consent' because consent is precisely what determines whether or not I feel unfaithful. In other words, in my mind there's nothing wrong with cybering on its own; it only becomes bad/wrong/cheating/unfaithful when it's done without my partner's support.

for me at least consent does not determine if i feel unfaithful to my SO, even if i was to do somthing with another person and she said it was alright, it would still make me feel unfaithful because how do i know that she didn't give me the ok because she just wanted to make me happy? this situation only applies (at least to me) if shes not there

 

[cocktan]

If your interpretation of the original poster's intent is accurate, that cybering is a form of sex, then I'm a little confused about the need for the poll. It seems to me that the root of the original post is a question about whether or not cybering does, in fact, constitute sex. Otherwise there is no reason to query others on whether or not they think that it's a form of cheating.

You were right earlier when you pointed out that there was no consensus among thread posters with respect to the terms of the discussion.

good point... except this is assumeing that sex is the only form one can cheat/be unfaithful to their SO

 

[EmpressFi]

I think I'm with those who agree that it's not cheating unless there's an emotional bond...

My husband and I have an open relationship.. so that also puts an interesting spin on whether or not we consider it cheating. We both have permission to cyber, flirt, even sleep with other people.. as long as the emotional bond between us isnt broken..

What it boils down to is that it doesnt matter if I think it's cheating for you to do it..but what you and your partner decide.. the boundaries that the two of you set together after open and honest conversation.

 

[cocktan]

I think I'm with those who agree that it's not cheating unless there's an emotional bond...

My husband and I have an open relationship.. so that also puts an interesting spin on whether or not we consider it cheating. We both have permission to cyber, flirt, even sleep with other people.. as long as the emotional bond between us isnt broken..

What it boils down to is that it doesnt matter if I think it's cheating for you to do it..but what you and your partner decide.. the boundaries that the two of you set together after open and honest conversation.

well you see thats why it's a yes/no poll, i am wondering how many people consider it cheating in their own relationships, not for the general population but just for them

 

[silverwhisper]

cocktan quoth
except this is assumeing that sex is the only form one can cheat/be unfaithful to their SO

if for you cybering isn't, then what besides actual sex is?

ed