Darkmaas' Chamber of Coital Horror

[unpredictablebijou]

The facts of food I can relate
of eating in the Wheaty State
and what's on this staunch Kansan's plate.

I much prefer the things with faces
filling up my inner spaces
except in green and leafy cases.

The laws regarding fish are clear:
one must beware of sushi here
It's present, but extremely dear.

The thing a Kansan truly flaunts
about the local restaurants,
both classy joints and seedy haunts,

is beef, of course, and here's the place
where metaphor becomes a grace
allowing me to save some face.

I like it hot and thick and meaty
but lest I sound a bit too greedy,
allow me this simple entreaty:

the bones I'd eat have faces too
so Arnold, please do not be blue
and don't assume I'd rule out you.

Ad astra is our motto clear:
"to stars", and you're a star, my dear
though difficult to reach from here.

The rest of y'all, meat, fowl or fish,
are also equally delish
and everything a grrl could wish.

Shankara's Kansan too, you know
and omnivore like me, and so
ask him which way he likes to blow.


.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Sharks may be fine beneath
if you're careful with the teeth
but if it thinner than it's long
it's hummin' Priapus' song
so come on dahling how's it feel
try a piece of my electric eel
you'll be praisin' heaven above
this ain't no guppy love


::

No Donny Osmond you it's true
he has the pearly whites in lieu
of gnashers pointed and so cruel
to slash and score in this poor fool (ouch sorry!)
methinks an elver in your ked
not worth a trip down to seabed

 

[ArnoldSnarb]

.....

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Oftimes when we English rhyme the fool
You'll find it is pronounced as pool
yet when Wenslelas he sought his fuel
he found the winters wind quite cruel

 

[ArnoldSnarb]

.....

 

[ArnoldSnarb]

.....

 

[darkmaas]

We're talking at cross-purposes
Because when I interpret this
I hear these endings all the same.
My accent is what you can blame.

Surely you mean cross-porpoises.




::

 

[ArnoldSnarb]

.....

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Surely you mean cross-porpoises.




::

Bugga I went to bed and you beat me to it!

And when the monster reels you in,
the end result is surely FIN.

(To me fuel/cruel are more foo..elle/cru ..elle if that makes sense!)

 

[Remec]

Bugga I went to bed and you beat me to it!

And when the monster reels you in,
the end result is surely FIN.

(To me fuel/cruel are more foo..elle/cru ..elle if that makes sense!)

Ah, see what happens when you sleep around here? *beat* Um...that doesn't sound right, does it?


(Chiming in, as well, I see 'cruel' as being flexible as to being either 'crool' or 'croo el' (that being a schwa, btw, I don't recall my alt-code for the symbol) as needed by the rhyme and/or scansion of what is being read aloud. But fuel, to me, as the slightest of 'y's to it, so that it is more of 'fyool' or even 'fyuh-ool')

 

[champagne1982]

If in Sweden you awake, you'll find both surf and turf upon your plate,
No not the lobster and the beefy kind but lutefisk and pork will sate
A breakfast smorg of the Danish persuasion I'll ne'er grow fond
of it's contents true, but I'll drool upon a svelte Norwegian blond
and screw the meter, too.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Surely you mean cross-porpoises.




::

Heh!

made me spew tea on my keyboard

 

[darkmaas]

If in Sweden you awake, you'll find both surf and turf upon your plate,
No not the lobster and the beefy kind but lutefisk and pork will sate
A breakfast smorg of the Danish persuasion I'll ne'er grow fond
of it's contents true, but I'll drool upon a svelte Norwegian blond
and screw the meter, too.

My dear champers. I do hope that the reference in the last line is to poetic meter and not your blond Swede. A meter is really long and a meter long turnip has got to hurt all the way up to your tonsils. It would ertainly meet the coital horror requirement, but you should know that we worry...



::

 

[UnderYourSpell]

My dear champers. I do hope that the reference in the last line is to poetic meter and not your blond Swede. A meter is really long and a meter long turnip has got to hurt all the way up to your tonsils. It would ertainly meet the coital horror requirement, but you should know that we worry...



::

You're the one should worry ..... that your mind even works that way!! such an interpretation never entered mine!!

 

[the Snood]

Hmmm...

My oddest sexual experience, while not precisely horrific, was not good for the wrong reasons.

<Star Trek "a long time ago" music>

I went on a blind date, and we hit it off rather well. This was when I was at Berkeley helping to invent the Internet, and the pool of available female geeks was more than a little underfilled.

<disconcerting switch to present tense>

About a week later we're at dinner and she makes the Decision to take me home, and is most insistent.

Things go more-or-less as one would expect, but at her moment of orgasm events take a turn for the weird.

She has never had an orgasm, and indeed is not really familiar with the phenomenon in women.

Oh, she likes sex well enough, and is aware of how males work, but this is new.

So, once she starts breathing again, she asks me to start moving again - she'd stopped me quite forcefully - but then discovers that things down there are now very sensitive. Big surprise...

So she stops me again, and after several starts/stops it's pretty obvious to all concerned that she'll need a significant cool-down period.

This is where things go quite horribly awry. She is distraught, even inconsolable, about my not having come, seeming to believe it a rather nasty failure on her part that she malfunctioned, as 'twere, before I could Do what a Man has the Right to Do. She won't believe me when I tell her that everything's just ducky with me, and starts sobbing all the more loudly.

It seems that she was reared with some pretty strange ideas about what constitutes acceptable sexual "accounting," and will not shake her Ohio upbringing.

Eventually I have to leave - it's morning and I've classes - and I promise to call so that we can work this out and get her happy again.

<back to past tense>

However, she never did take or return my calls. A mutual acquaintance later told me that she was so upset about the aforementioned incident of sex not going to plan and her ensuing discomfiture (he said "your date" - she'd not shared the details with him) that she wanted never to hear from me again.

Disturbing, weird, and not good for all the wrong reasons. I shudder at the memory.

Snood

 

[darkmaas]

Darkmaas has cousins in Ohio and perhaps it's something in the water. Your story has been popping uninvited into my head for several days now which is doubtless proof of it's disturbing nature. Then again, the uninvited popping may be proof of UYS' psychological profile of the maasive cranial organ.



::

 

[darkmaas]

"This is a good thing."

Yes dear people that humming sound is our own brave Martha Stewart who is helping the chambermaids with some much needed redecoration. Martha of course never has bad sex. She has assistants who take care of that sort of thing. Nonetheless she has volunteered to take your questions about Good Taste in Bad Sex.

A cookbook is to follow. Pre-order now for Christmas 2009.


::

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Men are from Mars

I just want to cuddle
have you hold me close
not dress up in costumes
French maid, school girl, stripper.

I just want to whisper
low, sweet nothings,
purr your name and
hear you murmur mine,
not yell “cunt” or “slut”
or scream to you to
“fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!”

I just want slow, sweet sex,
sensual, smiling sex
that leaves us wanting more,
not wham bam,
no thanks man.

June me, spoon me,
enter from behind.
Woo me, screw me,
just don't Do me.

 

[Sara Crewe]

"This is a good thing."

Yes dear people that humming sound is our own brave Martha Stewart who is helping the chambermaids with some much needed redecoration. Martha of course never has bad sex. She has assistants who take care of that sort of thing. Nonetheless she has volunteered to take your questions about Good Taste in Bad Sex.

A cookbook is to follow. Pre-order now for Christmas 2009.


::

Maybe it's because it's Friday but how can one have good taste in bad sex? Is it me, or is that an oxymoron? I'll admit to being a plain ole moron so no need to go there.

 

[ArnoldSnarb]

.....

 

[martha_stewart]

Maybe it's because it's Friday but how can one have good taste in bad sex? Is it me, or is that an oxymoron? I'll admit to being a plain ole moron so no need to go there.

Hello good people. I see that I have my first question on matters of Taste.

Dearest Miss Crewe,

May I call you Sara?

Oxymoron is such a brutish word. It reminds me of chemistry class with Dr. Hennenfent in high school - all bad smells and incomprehensible names.

I suspect you are looking for an example of tasteful bad sex.

Run down to your neighborhood video boutique and rent "Tampopo Noodle". It is a charming Japanese movie which will immediately identify you as a person of taste who watches "foreign" cinema.

Now you will agree that sex with decapods can only be described as bad sex. Watch the movie carefully and you will be treated to a wonderful scene of an erotic encounter using just such a crustacean. You will be charmed at it's stylish and tasteful treatment. It's a good thing.

If I may make a comment about serving clarified garlic butter as a side dish on such an occasion. Although common, it is very 1970 and should not be encouraged. Use your imagination and (since it is a japanese film) try adding just a pinch of wasabi to the butter.

Enjoy.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Dear Martha,

Is asparagus in this equation?

Sincerely Anonymous Swallower

 

[hmmnmm]

Darkmaas has cousins in Ohio and perhaps it's something in the water. Your story has been popping uninvited into my head for several days now which is doubtless proof of it's disturbing nature. Then again, the uninvited popping may be proof of UYS' psychological profile of the maasive cranial organ.



::

hmmnmm has cousins there too, and uncles, and an aunt or two. Of course I won't pretend to speak on their sexual behalves... but is it really fair to lump Ohioans into one assumptive uh, you know...

What about almosts? Got a lot of those. Almosts.

hmm, maybe there is something about Ohio water.

 

[martha_stewart]

Dear Martha,

Is asparagus in this equation?

Sincerely Anonymous Swallower

Dear Miss Swallower,

As first blush I thought that you were asking about the propriety of sex with vegetables and whether asparagus was either bad or tasteful. This is a topic about which I hold strong views. However your nom-de-plume suggests that you are concerned about the effect asparagus has on the taste of semen. There is a body of "knowledge" on this topic (mostly annecdotal) that suggests that the consumption of asparagus by the male affects the taste in a deleterious fashion. If this is true then obviously asparagus is in bad taste and ought to be stricken from your lover's menu (assuming of course you indulge bouts of fellatio).

Sadly, I grew up in an age when oral sex was by definition very very bad sex. (I am considerably older than dear darkmaas who seems to hold more libertine views). Consequently my personal experience is limited to a certain Reverend Uxbury and his dear wife Laeticia but that is a story that has nothing to do with your question.

However I can add that if you are wondering which wine to serve as a palate cleanser after indulging, I recommend a nice crisp California chardonnay. The strong oak at the back of the palate stands up to any "off" tastes and the usually high alcohol cuts through the rather cloying coating (whether you swallow or not) left after your partner slips flaccidly from your lips.

I hope this helps,

Martha.

 

[Sara Crewe]

Hello good people. I see that I have my first question on matters of Taste.

Dearest Miss Crewe,

May I call you Sara?

Oxymoron is such a brutish word. It reminds me of chemistry class with Dr. Hennenfent in high school - all bad smells and incomprehensible names.

I suspect you are looking for an example of tasteful bad sex.

Run down to your neighborhood video boutique and rent "Tampopo Noodle". It is a charming Japanese movie which will immediately identify you as a person of taste who watches "foreign" cinema.

Now you will agree that sex with decapods can only be described as bad sex. Watch the movie carefully and you will be treated to a wonderful scene of an erotic encounter using just such a crustacean. You will be charmed at it's stylish and tasteful treatment. It's a good thing.

If I may make a comment about serving clarified garlic butter as a side dish on such an occasion. Although common, it is very 1970 and should not be encouraged. Use your imagination and (since it is a japanese film) try adding just a pinch of wasabi to the butter.

Enjoy.

Of course you may call me Sara, Martha!

Don't you think that measuring a person's tastes based on external behaviours and choices and then declaring said choices to either be in good taste or bad taste is actually just a reflection of our own code of behaviours? And what if in reality our taste is bad and we think it good? That would make it impossible to decide whether another person had good or bad taste. No? I personally would think it in very bad taste to use insider trading but alas who am I to judge? Perhaps such behaviours are de rigueur in certain circles.

I am still not convinced that sex should involve shell fish. And I am very fond of 1970. Good things happened that year.

--SC