Darkmaas' Chamber of Coital Horror

[martha_stewart]

Of course you may call me Sara, Martha!

Don't you think that measuring a person's tastes based on external behaviours and choices and then declaring said choices to either be in good taste or bad taste is actually just a reflection of our own code of behaviours? And what if in reality our taste is bad and we think it good? That would make it impossible to decide whether another person had good or bad taste. No? I personally would think it in very bad taste to use insider trading but alas who am I to judge? Perhaps such behaviours are de rigueur in certain circles.

I am still not convinced that sex should involve shell fish. And I am very fond of 1970. Good things happened that year.

--SC

My dear Miss Crewe,

I am told that everyone is holding their breath waiting for the flame war that might erupt over your mean-spirited reference to insider trading. Alas my dear you are no "creme brulee" so they wait in vain.

Good taste like bad sex is of course arbitrary. As I mentioned to the charming Miss Swallower, taste in sex changes with time and good taste is not absolute. I might point out that on matters of taste, I am the one who is highly paid for my humble commentary, which might suggest that my taste in such matters resonates more clearly with today's society.

Lastly, I agree that in your case, sex with shellfish would be a waste of taste.

Regards,

Martha.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Meowwwwwwwwwww

 

[Sara Crewe]

My dear Miss Crewe,

I am told that everyone is holding their breath waiting for the flame war that might erupt over your mean-spirited reference to insider trading. Alas my dear you are no "creme brulee" so they wait in vain.

Good taste like bad sex is of course arbitrary. As I mentioned to the charming Miss Swallower, taste in sex changes with time and good taste is not absolute. I might point out that on matters of taste, I am the one who is highly paid for my humble commentary, which might suggest that my taste in such matters resonates more clearly with today's society.

Lastly, I agree that in your case, sex with shellfish would be a waste of taste.

Regards,

Martha.

Hmm, that begs the questions, what do you call someone who sits around waiting for a war. I mean other than George W...

My dear, Martha, I had no idea you were sensitive about insider trading! I thought I was being kind and just starting a conversation. I even erased a whole section in which I discussed the pole up your butt. I would have thought your time served would have hardened your skin a little. But I guess you mostly put in ankle-bracelet time which probably just chafes the ankle and nothing else.

Your reference to creme brule has confused me because all I can think of is Mmmmmmm. Yum.

But then you quickly destroy my yum moment with a mental picture of you trying to fuck a lobster.

Really, Martha!

I never would have guessed you were so filthy-minded. It's almost like you are not even a woman of delicate sensibilities. Come to think of it, you kinda fill out the front of your trousers in a certain kinda way...

Cheers,

SC

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Really, Martha!

I never would have guessed you were so filthy-minded. It's almost like you are not even a woman of delicate sensibilities. Come to think of it, you kinda fill out the front of your trousers in a certain kinda way...

Cheers,

SC

I'm a bit taken aback by Ms Stewart too. Her first thought after my innocent question about asparagus was sex with veggies. Where DOES she get these images from? My theory is - there's a man behind that curtain.

*nods sagely*

 

[Sara Crewe]

I'm a bit taken aback by Ms Stewart too. Her first thought after my innocent question about asparagus was sex with veggies. Where DOES she get these images from? My theory is - there's a man behind that curtain.

*nods sagely*

I agree, Tess. Now we all know what goes on behind the kitchen counter. Perhaps we need more hand sanitizer in here?

I think we have an impostor! Perhaps a man who often plays with his asparagus long enough to heat things up and create his own version of creme brule.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I agree, Tess. Now we all know what goes on behind the kitchen counter. Perhaps we need more hand sanitizer in here?

I think we have an impostor! Perhaps a man who often plays with his asparagus long enough to heat things up and create his own version of creme brule.

It would explain the fondness for dickies.

bj

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

.............a man who often plays with his asparagus long enough to heat things up and create his own version of creme brule.

Oh Sarah, that's so hot. I have to go take a cold shower to calm me.

 

[Sara Crewe]

It would explain the fondness for dickies.

bj

Green ones too. Makes me think of Lucky Charms and Martha kicking up her heels yelling, "They're magically delicious!"

 

[Sara Crewe]

Oh Sarah, that's so hot. I have to go take a cold shower to calm me.

Are you sure your flush is not due to the fact that I have made you sick to your stomach by mixing asparagus and creme brule?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Green ones too. Makes me think of Lucky Charms and Martha kicking up her heels yelling, "They're magically delicious!"

I love your twisted twisted brain.

Shouldn't we be writing poems about bad sex? I'm in too good a mood at the moment so I'm having trouble with the assignment.

bj

 

[Sara Crewe]

I love your twisted twisted brain.

Shouldn't we be writing poems about bad sex? I'm in too good a mood at the moment so I'm having trouble with the assignment.

bj

It's permanently knotted so that's a good thing.


I don't know if I have ever had flat out bad sex. Best I could do would be boring. Which would make for a boring poem.

I was there
So was he.
He was happy.
but not me.



Should break that into stanzas or does it flow better as a single unit?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

It's permanently knotted so that's a good thing.


I don't know if I have ever had flat out bad sex. Best I could do would be boring. Which would make for a boring poem.

I was there
So was he.
He was happy.
but not me.



Should break that into stanzas or does it flow better as a single unit?

*laughing*

I think it's perfect as a quatrain. Very square.

My contribution will be a term I just learned over on the general board:

Spam Javelin.

I laughed for five goddamn minutes.

bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I read a book
would have been better
if he licked the pages
instead
for me to turn them over

*this is true!*

 

[Sara Crewe]

*laughing*

I think it's perfect as a quatrain. Very square.

My contribution will be a term I just learned over on the general board:

Spam Javelin.

I laughed for five goddamn minutes.

bj

I think sex would be very bad if your javelin was made of spam.

Although.

Built in lube.


Ew.

Just grossed myself out.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I think sex would be very bad if your javelin was made of spam.

Although.

Built in lube.


Ew.

Just grossed myself out.

*shop customers wonder if bj is having some sort of aneurysm.*

bj

 

[Sara Crewe]

*shop customers wonder if bj is having some sort of aneurysm.*

bj

Tell them, "Nope. Just hit in the head with a spam javelin."

 

[ArnoldSnarb]

.....

 

[darkmaas]

I just dropped by to dust the ficus before toddling off on a mission of mercy and what do I find? Martha trussed upon a platter with an apple in her mouth moaning mindlessly about self-basting ...

Thank-you Arnold for your poetic attempt to restore order.

::

Moving along ... I should like to bring to your attention the Symposium we are sponsoring, "Dogging: the newest fad to sweep the British Isles." UYS, our go-to-gal for all things British seems to be literarily occupied over at the Bistro, so we are bringing in a guest speaker. I'm hoping you will extend a warm welcome to none other than H.M. Queen Liz II who is on tour promoting her tell-all book, "Twice before Tea: Dogging with the Duke." This is your chance, ladies, to dust off the pearls and white gloves. Gentlemen might consider an ascot or this rather than the green dickie.



::

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I just dropped by to dust the ficus before toddling off on a mission of mercy and what do I find? Martha trussed upon a platter with an apple in her mouth moaning mindlessly about self-basting ...

Thank-you Arnold for your poetic attempt to restore order.

::

Moving along ... I should like to bring to your attention the Symposium we are sponsoring, "Dogging: the newest fad to sweep the British Isles." UYS, our go-to-gal for all things British seems to be literarily occupied over at the Bistro, so we are bringing in a guest speaker. I'm hoping you will extend a warm welcome to none other than H.M. Queen Liz II who is on tour promoting her tell-all book, "Twice before Tea: Dogging with the Duke." This is your chance, ladies, to dust off the pearls and white gloves. Gentlemen might consider an ascot or this rather than the green dickie.



::

I hope you aren't planning on visiting Britain in the foreseeable future as I am not sure what facilities they extend to inmates of The Tower these days, usually cumulating in a rather hard pillow of the block variety. Don't go losing your head now!

 

[champagne1982]

A family friend is a Royal Marine and was injured in service in the Falklands. He was given a medal for his courage under fire and invited to a garden tea with HRH at Windsor Castle. He chose his mother as his companion and she had no inkling of why he'd asked her to dress in a lovely, blue frock, she did. He simply said, "C'mon Mum, I'll take you to lunch and wear the blue."

Meantime, he'd already been out and bought her a pretty pearl pendant and white gloves. He had the cabbie take them to a habadashery so they could pick up the blue hat he'd ordered and she said, "I don't believe it."

"Wha's that, Mum?"

She began to cry and answered, "I'm going to meet the Queen, aren't I?"

She was thrilled by the experience and proud of her son. Lovely gift for a mother, I think

 

[UnderYourSpell]

That's a lovely story Champ

 

[champagne1982]

That's a lovely story Champ

I thought it was funny that she didn't get it until he fetched the hat.

He was decked out in his dress uniform and had his own gloves and all, she accepted the luncheon story without much fuss; but as soon as he had her wear a hat she knew she was going to the castle. I thought it was sweet.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

A family friend is a Royal Marine and was injured in service in the Falklands. He was given a medal for his courage under fire and invited to a garden tea with HRH at Windsor Castle. He chose his mother as his companion and she had no inkling of why he'd asked her to dress in a lovely, blue frock, she did. He simply said, "C'mon Mum, I'll take you to lunch and wear the blue."

Meantime, he'd already been out and bought her a pretty pearl pendant and white gloves. He had the cabbie take them to a habadashery so they could pick up the blue hat he'd ordered and she said, "I don't believe it."

"Wha's that, Mum?"

She began to cry and answered, "I'm going to meet the Queen, aren't I?"

She was thrilled by the experience and proud of her son. Lovely gift for a mother, I think

Beautiful story. This made me cry. *sniff*

 

[Sara Crewe]

A family friend is a Royal Marine and was injured in service in the Falklands. He was given a medal for his courage under fire and invited to a garden tea with HRH at Windsor Castle. He chose his mother as his companion and she had no inkling of why he'd asked her to dress in a lovely, blue frock, she did. He simply said, "C'mon Mum, I'll take you to lunch and wear the blue."

Meantime, he'd already been out and bought her a pretty pearl pendant and white gloves. He had the cabbie take them to a habadashery so they could pick up the blue hat he'd ordered and she said, "I don't believe it."

"Wha's that, Mum?"

She began to cry and answered, "I'm going to meet the Queen, aren't I?"

She was thrilled by the experience and proud of her son. Lovely gift for a mother, I think

I think it is one of the best gifts a mom can get to feel proud of her kids.

 

[darkmaas]

Oh hi. I just came by to water the ficus and dust up a bit.

<looking up>

I'm told by one who should know that Miss Crewe is dead. Martha is of course pleased as punch and no doubt there will be a "Pleased as Punch" recipe in her next cookbook. (16 oz tequila, 10 oz maple syrup, fruit juice of your choice and a pink paper umbrella in every cup)

I also see that ArnoldSnarb has erased some of his posts. Perhaps he felt this venue was a bit "wrong side of the tracks" but ...

On the other hand, "chamber pots" seem to be the metaphor of the moment, so perhaps all is not lost. (I must warn any of you that were married in the seveneties or eighties that chamber pots and crock pots are not the same, in spite of their ceramic nature.)

It now seems that we are to be rezoned. I know ...there is a "BIG VOTE" about the future of the Hangout, and we do live in painfully democratic times. But, having personally voted to tear down the DMZ between the main iambic forum and this little bit of metaphoric anarchy, I read that the wall is a bit too precious and maybe, just maybe, all we need is to brainstorm a bit, re-brand the sub-forum and all the nastiness of the past few months can be forgotten or at least swept under the potted palm in the corner.

It seems that voting goes on for few days more, so until the zoning actually changes, drinks are on the house. The usual rules:

a) No spitting on the bust of the Bard.

b) Rhyming couplets only.

c) Bad sex is the bedrock on which this thread is based.

In addition:

d) The last word of the poem must be "slick".

e) Extra points for including a chamber pot allusion in your poem.


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