Defensive

[graceanne]

I want to say something real quick. I think that there are exceptions. As a rule I'd agree, but recently I've been on a lot of steroids. FYI Steroids make people aggressive, which I'm normally so not. I can't help it though, I have to take them, and I can't help how they make me act. K's having to deal with stuff that he normally wouldn't, and I'm really really trying to act normally, and be submissive, and follow on our agreement, but it's not that easy. Everything irritates the living hell out of me! God I hate this fucking drug!

 

[Marquis]

I want to say something real quick. I think that there are exceptions. As a rule I'd agree, but recently I've been on a lot of steroids. FYI Steroids make people aggressive, which I'm normally so not. I can't help it though, I have to take them, and I can't help how they make me act. K's having to deal with stuff that he normally wouldn't, and I'm really really trying to act normally, and be submissive, and follow on our agreement, but it's not that easy. Everything irritates the living hell out of me! God I hate this fucking drug!

Welcome to my world baby! Best thing to do is combat it with other drugs.

 

[graceanne]

Welcome to my world baby! Best thing to do is combat it with other drugs.

Like . . . morphine? (which i'm taking) That just makes me bitchier, cause then I'm stupid and aggressive. A very bad combination.

 

[Netzach]

I'm of the shit and life happen school of thought in a relationship.

If I raised my hand like that to M he'd be out the door and I would not blame him. I'm not the one working the 14 hour days, and he tries and comes through over 80 percent of the time.

Agreements and intent are important - but if I wanted something I could rely on as much as my PC, I'd build it.

 

[esclave_PP]

I think insecurity can play a big role in defensiveness. More often than not, we get defensive because we either perceive we've done nothing wrong, or know that we have.

I thought I'd do a little research. This is reprinted from a web site


Hints for Resolving Conflicts: Defensive Behavior


Excerpted and Adapted from "Coping with Conflict" by William Ury.

Defensive Behavior

People react defensively to situations in which they feel there is a threat, conflict, or pressure. The threat, which, may be real or perceived, may be the loss of control over an interaction, situation, or person. Usually there is a triggering event, often a word which activates the listener's learned defense mechanism.

While in a defense behavior, your ability to think or plan clearly and rationally will be disrupted. Once removed from the precipitant, the feeling will fade and in a short while you will begin to function normally again. Unfortunately, the time needed to regain your composure is not usually available, especially in situations in which you have encountered opposition. Under these conditions - conflict or pressure on top of threat - we need strong counter measures to keep from being overwhelmed. These defensive strategies, learned early on in life, are designed to get us out of tight places, to avoid punishment, or somehow to disarm the opposition:

Blame — Give In

First, the person usually makes a mild statement that blames the other person for something. They then give in, allowing the other person to win.

Blame Others — Fighting or Striking Back

First anger takes hold producing a verbal response followed by an attack. The posture may change to a lean forward, speaking in a harsh voice and possibly using finger jabbing. These people always think they are fighting for the best alternative, though onlookers think that they are fighting for one purpose only — to get rid of the threat by getting rid of the opposition. Some tactics of fighting are (Adapted from: "Getting Past No" by William Ury):

1. Obstruction or "Creating a Stone Wall": a refusal to budge. This is an attempt to convince you that they have no flexibility and that there is no choice other than their position. This may be preceded by endless foot-dragging and delay followed by a final declaration.

2. Pressure tactics: designed to intimidate you and make you feel so uncomfortable that you ultimately give in to the other sides demands. The tactic may be a threat (do it or else) or proposal (accompanied by a definite statement of "proof" as to how you are wrong in some area); an attack on your credibility, status or authority.

Dig in — Withdrawal or Breaking Off

Here individuals try to become immovable objects. They dig in, refusing to budge from a set position, denying any reality but their own. Eventually they withdraw from the situation into silence, sleep, a book, or a walk in the woods.

Distract — Make Nice

These clown or sweeten their way out of trouble. The words are usually delivered with a broad grin that makes the words more acceptable.

People Use Multiple Strategies

But most of us have learned more than one way to cope with threatening situations, most people tend to use one strategy at a time. If the first does not work, that is if the threat and conflict doesn't go away, then a second strategy is brought to bear.

Initially, defensive strategies are not consciously employed. We often respond emotionally to events before the exact nature of the events is registered in our consciousness.

Learn to Understand What Threatens Others

The more you know about what motivates a person, the more you know about what may threaten him or her. Remember, defensive strategies are meant to remove the threat as soon as possible. They can get you out of a short run trouble, but at some long term cost. The consequences of two people involved in a confrontation, both exhibiting defensive behaviors, is usually quite bad. This is because people acting in defensive postures aren't able to rationally solve problems.

Coping With Defensive Behaviors In Others

The more you avoid inadvertently threatening others, the less you will have to cope with their defensive, difficult behavior. Once you recognize the other person using a defensive strategy, you should seek to counter it. What you are looking for are to exhibit behaviors that will gain less defensive response.

1. Countering an "fighting" response (Adapted from: "Getting Past No" by William Ury): Once you recognize these tactics, pause and say nothing. This buys you time to make a move. Slow down the conversation by playing it back. Try the following responses:

· "Let me just make sure I understand what you are saying. Did you ... ?"

· "I'm not sure I'm following you. Let's back up for a minute and review how we got here."

· "You've given me too much information to digest so quickly. Let's back up."

· "I need you to tell me again how the different components of the plan work together. I missed the connections between a couple of them."

· "I'm not sure I'm following you."

· "Let me make sure I understand what you're saying."

2. Taking notes: If you take notes at the meeting, a good habit to get into, the notes gives you a good excuse to use the following:

· Look up from your notes, pen in hand and say, "I'm sorry, I missed that. Could you please repeat it?"

Managing Your Own Defensive Mode: Learn Your Gut Reaction

Expect verbal attacks and don't take them personally. Remember that your accusers are hoping to play on your anger, fear, and guilt.

To neutralize the affect of others on you, you need to recognize not only what they are doing, but also what you're feeling. The first clues that we are reacting usually comes from our bodies: the stomach gets tied up in knots, heart starts to pound, face flushes, palms sweat. These visceral responses signal that something is wrong and that we are losing our composure.

How do you feel when you are in your defensive mode? Does your voice get loud, harsh, accusing? Do you feel suddenly frightened, anxious, irritated, bored, wanting to leave? Do you repeat the same arguments over and over again regardless of what has been said by others?

Recognizing these cues enable us to identify our emotional susceptibilities, or "hot buttons." When your opponent pushes your "hot button," you will learn to control your natural reaction and "go to the balcony."

Find Your Hot Buttons

Something happened to you just before you started to become defensive. Though sometimes impossible, try to identify what it was. Usually the threats that hit us are masked, subtle, often unintentional. They touch upon secret and unreal fears that others could not know about.

Learn to Freeze Your Behavior

The moment you recognize that your defensive programming you must take steps to stop what you are doing. Till you learn to control the "gut reaction" you may have to cut off the interaction. While this may seem drastic, there are good reasons for doing it. First, you are trying to manage your behavior just at a time when it is most difficult to manage. The surest way is to simply stop it. Second, to refine and modify what you are doing on the midst of an over learned and heavily reinforced learning sequence requires extraordinary control. Remember that people don't plan to be defensive it just pops out of them. You become aware after the toboggan is part way down the slide, to scared, steamed, or guilty for anything but the brakes.

By interrupting the interaction, you give yourself a chance to compose yourself and think about what is happening. In the interval look at yourself from the outside.

How to Freeze Your Behavior

When you feel one of your buttons being pushed, pause and say nothing. Pausing will not only give you a chance to step up to the balcony for a few seconds, but it may also help the other side cool down. By saying nothing, you give them nothing to push against. Your silence may make them feel a little uncomfortable. The onus of keeping the conversation going shifts back to them. Uncertain about what is going on in your head, they may respond more reasonably. Suspend your impulses; freeze your behavior. What may feel like hours, will probably last only a few seconds.

Counting

As Thomas Jefferson once put it: "When angry, count ten before you speak; If very angry, a hundred."

Rewinding the Tape

You can only pause for so long. To buy more time to think, try rewinding the tape. Slow down the conversation by playing it back using questions.

Create a Atmosphere Changer

You may need more time to gain your composure than that allotted by rewinding the tape. If you can't take a break or leave the room, try to take a time out by temporally diverting the conversation with a story or joke. One union negotiator keeps snap shots of his fishing trips in his pocket and tosses them on the table when things get tense. All of the participants start talking about their own adventures. When negotiations resume, tensions have abated. Another way to take a time out, is to bring along a negotiating partner. That way you can spell each other: As one talks, the other can go to the balcony and keep his eye on the prize.

Take a Break

A time out gives both sides a chance to cool off and go to the balcony. You might be afraid that calling off for a break will be interpreted as a sign of indecisiveness or weakness, as if you could not take the heat. The solution is to find a natural excuse. Such an excuse may be as simple as, "We have been talking for some time now. Before continuing, let me suggest a quick coffee break." Or "That's a good question. Let me find out and back to you right away." It helps to have a ready excuse.

Changing Your Behavior

The more knowledge you have of things that threaten you, the more you can anticipate your reaction and be ready with a more productive response. Eventually your initial response of stopping what you are doing can be transformed into an automatic verbal response which gives you the time to compose yourself. In the short time your threat response will subside in intensity.

Controlling Our Words

"If any one does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. Now if we put bits into the horses mouths so that they may obey us, we direct their entire bodies as well. Ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder, wherever the inclination of the pilot desires. So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire. For no animal speaks, yet no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison."

"But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. For the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."



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Copyright 2001, Robert I. Winer, M.D.