Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. etc

[txgent101]

Long Term

I am 79 years old, long divorced, fully retired. I have had a good life overall: great family, productive career, very blessed in those areas. I have fought against depression and anxiety since 1989 with mostly stable periods and some very, very bad periods. Have been with my current psychiatrist since 2001 and he has helped me greatly; saved my life really. I do take medications. My psych and I have reduced some of them in recent years as I have aged.

I learned over the years that I am an ‘Adult Child of an Alcoholic’ and consequently had a lot of codependency issues. At various points I attended CODA meetings which were very helpful, by putting me in contact with others who had leftover childhood issues. I have had therapists who were helpful, but currently depend on my (excellent) psychiatrist to fill that role.

I am posting this mainly to encourage anyone to not give up. My journey has been a long one, but worth the effort. To allow me to know my great-grandchildren for example.

I will say that using erotic photos and Lit stories to aid my self-pleasuring sessions is a helpful to keep my spirits up.

Best to everyone fighting this battle.

 

[yukonnights]

I haven't posted here in awhile, partly because I've been going on a major downward spiral for the last few years. It's been worse than anything I've had before and I'm really struggling to get help and pull myself out. I've been in therapy, both private and group, and the group therapy in particular is helping a lot, and have been trying to find medication that helps.

The problem is that the three different SSRIs that I've tried over the years just make me EXTREMELY tired, which just makes me feel worse. I didn't have the desire or motivation to do much outside of work for the last year, but after starting the most recent SSRI a few months ago, I haven't had the desire, motivation, or energy to do anything outside of work, and have only been able to give about 40% while at work.

My work has really started suffering, which makes me doubly anxious from worrying that I'm going to get fired, and I haven't been able to do 95% of the typical daily living activities that I need to do to start feeling better (like showering regularly, eating more than a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream for dinner, exercising, doing laundry, keeping up with bills, etc.). Yet when I went to my psychiatrist this morning to pretty much beg her to approve me to take time off from work, she refused saying that I need the structure of work because I'm on a "slippery slope" and will just end up staying in bed and isolating myself if I'm not working.

Has anyone experienced something like this - knowing that you need to take time off work for depression/anxiety, but not being able to get approval? Or were you able to get approval and the time off helped?

Greetings Again CG, I'm honored that you decided to continue a conversation. I realize it is hard for any of us to truly know where others are coming from in such an anonymous format as we have here. In order to try and reassure you that my intentions are only born of a desire to try and spare others the suffering I have endured, I will try by sharing more of my own experiences.

My own journey through the 'downward spiral' lasted closer to three decades. I am here only by the Grace of God, from my perspective. I have held the loaded and cocked gun to my head as tears ran down my face...my medicine of choice at the time was that tonic prescribed by Dr. Jack Daniels. I guess I had taken to much of the medicine that night as I sat in my car on a deserted stretch of road, for I apparently passed out and was only awakened by the explosive concussion of the pistol still in my hands going off and blowing a hole through the floorboard of the car instead of my head. And if this sounds bad, I will add that this event occurred near the mid-point of the three decades I mentioned above.

I tell you this so that you can evaluate my bona fides, then decide if my words are irrelevant, uninformed or even malicious. I am always willing to offer encouragement when the actions merit that. But I will not use words to enable poor choices. Your therapist has given you the best advice, I believe. To try and avoid the light will only bring more darkness.

I have highlighted a section of your original post where you mention some things that are impossible for you to do right now. Unfortunately, by eating poorly and not getting enough exercise you know you are adding fuel to the fire of depression. These are these "little things" which might begin to help to turn the tide. They are small steps, but very powerful in healing. I'm glad the group therapy is helping somewhat and maybe you could find some encouragement there in regard to diet and exercise. I will add, that in my own case there was a combination of things and diet and unattended other health issues were big players. I'm pretty sure your healthcare providers have done a thorough physical evaluation, but in case they haven't, I found this to be very important.

You wrote here seeking help to get a medical leave of absence. I have sided with your doctor based on my own experiences with isolation. Since you are in therapy, I doubt I can offer greater suggestions than you are getting there. It is a privilege to try and help another human, and I hope you can accept my small efforts in that context. I sincerely wish you success and healing and am saddened that my words offended ~

 

[f2k]

Greetings Again CG, I'm honored that you decided to continue a conversation. I realize it is hard for any of us to truly know where others are coming from in such an anonymous format as we have here. In order to try and reassure you that my intentions are only born of a desire to try and spare others the suffering I have endured, I will try by sharing more of my own experiences.

My own journey through the 'downward spiral' lasted closer to three decades. I am here only by the Grace of God, from my perspective. I have held the loaded and cocked gun to my head as tears ran down my face...my medicine of choice at the time was that tonic prescribed by Dr. Jack Daniels. I guess I had taken to much of the medicine that night as I sat in my car on a deserted stretch of road, for I apparently passed out and was only awakened by the explosive concussion of the pistol still in my hands going off and blowing a hole through the floorboard of the car instead of my head. And if this sounds bad, I will add that this event occurred near the mid-point of the three decades I mentioned above.

I tell you this so that you can evaluate my bona fides, then decide if my words are irrelevant, uninformed or even malicious. I am always willing to offer encouragement when the actions merit that. But I will not use words to enable poor choices. Your therapist has given you the best advice, I believe. To try and avoid the light will only bring more darkness.

I have highlighted a section of your original post where you mention some things that are impossible for you to do right now. Unfortunately, by eating poorly and not getting enough exercise you know you are adding fuel to the fire of depression. These are these "little things" which might begin to help to turn the tide. They are small steps, but very powerful in healing. I'm glad the group therapy is helping somewhat and maybe you could find some encouragement there in regard to diet and exercise. I will add, that in my own case there was a combination of things and diet and unattended other health issues were big players. I'm pretty sure your healthcare providers have done a thorough physical evaluation, but in case they haven't, I found this to be very important.

You wrote here seeking help to get a medical leave of absence. I have sided with your doctor based on my own experiences with isolation. Since you are in therapy, I doubt I can offer greater suggestions than you are getting there. It is a privilege to try and help another human, and I hope you can accept my small efforts in that context. I sincerely wish you success and healing and am saddened that my words offended ~

For what's it's worth, I concur with this post.

Been there, done that... Got far enough into stress and depression that I was seriously considering just ending it.

Just wanted to isolate myself. Didn't answer emails... Didn't answer the phone...

My mother eventually threatened to call the cops if she didn't hear from me.

Yeah... It was bad...

And speaking from my own experience during those dark days, the last thing you want is to isolate yourself. You need to keep moving, whatever it takes. The usual humdrum of work is the framework you use to keep your life together. It gives you purpose. It gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It let you meet other people. It let you use your mind for something else than worrying.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night, shivering like a leaf, alone and very very scared. Yes, it was damn hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning, having only had a few hours of fitful sleep, but it was the only thing keeping me alive by giving my life meaning and focus.

And ever so slowly I found my focus broadening slightly. Every day I managed to drag myself through gave my a tiny bit more strength. A wee bit more confidence. Made the nights a little less scary. And eventually my focus had broadened enough that I could function fairly normally again.

I still need to be really careful about getting stressed. It doesn't take that much to send me sliding back into isolation and depression. It's something I have to fight every day. And the very act of doing normal things - going to work, making a meal, going to the movies with friends - is what keeps me sane.

It's hard, so very hard... Sometimes almost too hard... But you have to keep fighting. Giving up and isolating yourself will do no good.

Finally, I would strongly consider getting off medication. It's hard to fight if your mind is constantly muddled by a variety of mood-adjusters. If you can't handle life without drugs, then by all means keep taking them until you feel better. But keep it as minimal as you can. Keep a clear mind so you're sure your thoughts are your own.

 

[yukonnights]

Just thought this might be interesting or maybe helpful. I enjoy putting these kinds of positive thoughts into my life. I never really thought of them as actually being an instrument of healing but just a path to inner peace and joy...but I guess that is big part health, isn't it? (disclaimer: I do not know this person and found this online)
**********
Written by; Seth Adam Smith
For over 20 years, I have struggled with chronic depression. Along with diet and exercise, working with medical professionals, and developing healthy relationships with others, I have learned that inspired words can be a powerful tool in fighting depression. For while medicines can heal the body, inspired words can heal the soul....

...(quote #15). "The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being." — Tenzin Gyatso

That last quote expresses and idea that I want to underscore. Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do for ourselves is to help another person. I don't fully understand the science behind it, but I can certainly attest to an unseen strength that comes to those who reach out and lift another.

© 2014 Seth Adam Smith, author of Your Life Isn't for You: A Selfish Person's Guide to Being Selfless

Seth Adam Smith, author of Your Life Isn't for You: A Selfish Person's Guide to Being Selfless, is an internationally acclaimed Alaskan-born writer. In 2013, his blog post "Marriage Isn't for You" received over 30 million hits and was translated into over 20 languages. A survivor of a suicide attempt in 2006, Seth has learned that true healing comes from focusing on others and sharing "the northern lights of life." He frequently writes about these topics on his website, SethAdamSmith.com.

 

[yukonnights]

For what's it's worth, I concur with this post.

Been there, done that... Got far enough into stress and depression that I was seriously considering just ending it.

Just wanted to isolate myself. Didn't answer emails... Didn't answer the phone...

My mother eventually threatened to call the cops if she didn't hear from me.

Yeah... It was bad...

And speaking from my own experience during those dark days, the last thing you want is to isolate yourself. You need to keep moving, whatever it takes. The usual humdrum of work is the framework you use to keep your life together. It gives you purpose. It gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It let you meet other people. It let you use your mind for something else than worrying.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night, shivering like a leaf, alone and very very scared. Yes, it was damn hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning, having only had a few hours of fitful sleep, but it was the only thing keeping me alive by giving my life meaning and focus.

And ever so slowly I found my focus broadening slightly. Every day I managed to drag myself through gave my a tiny bit more strength. A wee bit more confidence. Made the nights a little less scary. And eventually my focus had broadened enough that I could function fairly normally again.

I still need to be really careful about getting stressed. It doesn't take that much to send me sliding back into isolation and depression. It's something I have to fight every day. And the very act of doing normal things - going to work, making a meal, going to the movies with friends - is what keeps me sane.

It's hard, so very hard... Sometimes almost too hard... But you have to keep fighting. Giving up and isolating yourself will do no good.

Finally, I would strongly consider getting off medication. It's hard to fight if your mind is constantly muddled by a variety of mood-adjusters. If you can't handle life without drugs, then by all means keep taking them until you feel better. But keep it as minimal as you can. Keep a clear mind so you're sure your thoughts are your own.

It's worth a lot that you took the time to share your experiences. Every little bit of hard earned wisdom from our own struggles may be just the thing needed by another who is in pain. I sometimes fear that my own present happiness, joy and inner peace dulls my memory to the pain others are experiencing...sometimes I fear I am too optimistic that everyone can find the same things. It is uplifting to me to hear of your own journey through the shadows of darkness and your victory. These words you shared from your heart may live here for years and who knows who they might touch in a positive way...it's always worth it to offer a bit of kindness.

I see you're new to Lit, so a welcome is in order ~

 

[f2k]

It's worth a lot that you took the time to share your experiences. Every little bit of hard earned wisdom from our own struggles may be just the thing needed by another who is in pain. I sometimes fear that my own present happiness, joy and inner peace dulls my memory to the pain others are experiencing...sometimes I fear I am too optimistic that everyone can find the same things. It is uplifting to me to hear of your own journey through the shadows of darkness and your victory. These words you shared from your heart may live here for years and who knows who they might touch in a positive way...it's always worth it to offer a bit of kindness.

I see you're new to Lit, so a welcome is in order ~

Thank you for your kind words. I've actually been lurking here for a while, just rarely take part in the discussions.

And I know what you mean. Sometimes those days seem like nothing more than a bad nightmare - something that really didn't happen. But it did, and I need to keep that in mind at all times so I don't go down that path again.

I used to be one of those tough alpha males, at least in my own mind. Stress? Baah! A bad excuse for weaklings who can't handle life. Depression? Give me a break! Life's tough, deal with it.

I thought I was tough, right up till the first night I woke up in the midst of a full blown panik attack, every muscle twisting uncontrollably and heart racing at a breakneck pace. I honestly thought I was about to die and was quite surprised to find myself still alive as the sun rose.

For me, what triggered it was a bad economic position with high student debt, having to work as many hours as possible while simultaneously writing my Master's Thesis, and suddenly finding myself in hospital having to go through surgery to have a growth, that might or might not be cancer, removed from my intestines.

Thankfully the operation went well and the growth turend out to be benign. But still...

So these days I try to remember what happened and to be more open to the plight of others. It happened to me... It can happen to anyone...

 

[JamesRTickit]

I know

Lots of people suffering anxiety and depression.
I suffered myself after a divorce, life greatly improved but there are always dark days where you sink.
I am naturally optimistic so seeing the dark side of something really shakes me up.

One point is that men refuse to see what is happening to them.
There is no shame in being ill which is what this is.
Men need to seek help much more than they seem to do.

 

[f2k]

Lots of people suffering anxiety and depression.
I suffered myself after a divorce, life greatly improved but there are always dark days where you sink.
I am naturally optimistic so seeing the dark side of something really shakes me up.

One point is that men refuse to see what is happening to them.
There is no shame in being ill which is what this is.
Men need to seek help much more than they seem to do.

Ain't that the truth.

There's a real pressure to never appear to be weak. Take it like a man! Don't be a sissy! You're not really sick, are you?

Yes, I am. But I'd be damned if I ever admit it.

 

[yukonnights]

Even when my life seems all bad and no good, if I slow down and consider even just the small blessings, I have a lot to be grateful for. In these moments of being thankful, my worries disappear... this may only last a moment, but by being thankful more frequently the moments begin to string together into minutes...

 

[Veronica100]

just my luck...depression rears its ugly head on such a lovely day.....just can't face getting vertical today.

 

[Tigersman]

Ptsd

I joined the Navy to stay out of Vietnam only to later to serve on gunboats, but was denied this assignment because of my rating. Instead I was assigned to a hospital ship patrolling from DaNang to the DMZ during the Tet Offensive. Everyday helos would land on our helo deck at all hours dropping off our wounded. As I walked one main passageway daily I saw our wounded, some seriously and some not so seriously.

I never thought anything I saw while serving on the hospital ship affected me. When discharged I found a job that lasted 89 days and got married. Over the years, I had one job after another, had trouble with my marriage and fought hard to hold my temper. On one occasion my temper came close to landing me in prison. One guy just would not stay off my case do I invited him to fight my way. I told him we would take it outside where I walked over to my car, opened the trunk to get two model 1911 .45 cal guns. I put one shell in each chamber then told him to back up as I was going to blow his dumb ass away.

It was not until Men returning from Vietnam were being diagnosed with PTSD that I thought anything was wrong with me. I knew the sound of helos caused me anxiety and distress and that sometimes I dreamed about Nam. I knew I felt guilty for not being by the side of a friend when he was shot and later died from wounds received in Nam. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD because I never let a doctor know what I was experiencing, but I still suffer. Even today the sounds of helos bring back the sights and sounds I lived with for a year.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

 

[yukonnights]

I joined the Navy to stay out of Vietnam only to later to serve on gunboats, but was denied this assignment because of my rating. Instead I was assigned to a hospital ship patrolling from DaNang to the DMZ during the Tet Offensive. Everyday helos would land on our helo deck at all hours dropping off our wounded. As I walked one main passageway daily I saw our wounded, some seriously and some not so seriously.

I never thought anything I saw while serving on the hospital ship affected me. When discharged I found a job that lasted 89 days and got married. Over the years, I had one job after another, had trouble with my marriage and fought hard to hold my temper. On one occasion my temper came close to landing me in prison. One guy just would not stay off my case do I invited him to fight my way. I told him we would take it outside where I walked over to my car, opened the trunk to get two model 1911 .45 cal guns. I put one shell in each chamber then told him to back up as I was going to blow his dumb ass away.

It was not until Men returning from Vietnam were being diagnosed with PTSD that I thought anything was wrong with me. I knew the sound of helos caused me anxiety and distress and that sometimes I dreamed about Nam. I knew I felt guilty for not being by the side of a friend when he was shot and later died from wounds received in Nam. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD because I never let a doctor know what I was experiencing, but I still suffer. Even today the sounds of helos bring back the sights and sounds I lived with for a year.

One of my very closest friends was a Medic in Nam. He suffers sever PTSD to this day. In his case, he cannot endure being in crowds and confined places. This has caused him to have a need to constantly travel, as it's the only time he is at peace. Thus, he and his wife live the RV lifestyle...which sounds more enjoyable than it actually is. I was never able to help him in any way...the scars were just too deep. He got some relief from talking to a therapist, but it didn't really "cure" his anxiety.

All I can do is tell you that I know it's real and I know it sucks...it saddens me that your life was scared by war.

 

[Vixandra]

I joined the Navy to stay out of Vietnam only to later to serve on gunboats, but was denied this assignment because of my rating. Instead I was assigned to a hospital ship patrolling from DaNang to the DMZ during the Tet Offensive. Everyday helos would land on our helo deck at all hours dropping off our wounded. As I walked one main passageway daily I saw our wounded, some seriously and some not so seriously.

I never thought anything I saw while serving on the hospital ship affected me. When discharged I found a job that lasted 89 days and got married. Over the years, I had one job after another, had trouble with my marriage and fought hard to hold my temper. On one occasion my temper came close to landing me in prison. One guy just would not stay off my case do I invited him to fight my way. I told him we would take it outside where I walked over to my car, opened the trunk to get two model 1911 .45 cal guns. I put one shell in each chamber then told him to back up as I was going to blow his dumb ass away.

It was not until Men returning from Vietnam were being diagnosed with PTSD that I thought anything was wrong with me. I knew the sound of helos caused me anxiety and distress and that sometimes I dreamed about Nam. I knew I felt guilty for not being by the side of a friend when he was shot and later died from wounds received in Nam. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD because I never let a doctor know what I was experiencing, but I still suffer. Even today the sounds of helos bring back the sights and sounds I lived with for a year.

As a fellow medic, even in today's modern wars, unless you were shot at you can't get PTSD from helping maimed patients. Depression and Anxiety, yeah, they'll rate you on, but not PTSD. You should reach out and get help if your problems interfere with enjoying life (hey, mine's tomorrow via tele-health so I know what I'm talking about).

I still wake up hearing IV machines, have flashes of a patients, wonder what happened to the daughter of a patient a doc killed with a lap band. Yeah, not something complicated, a friggin lap band killed a woman because the doc couldn't have put it in wrong, despite the fact four days post op we could get nothing in her stomach because it was blocked. She died, leaving behind a hubby and a 14 year old daughter that she was pretty close to. (Civie docs that frequently do lap band procedures should be safe, but I'd never get one, no matter how fluffy my butt gets).

You're not alone in caretaker caused D&A.

 

[southfl_bicur]

I joined the Navy to stay out of Vietnam only to later to serve on gunboats, but was denied this assignment because of my rating. Instead I was assigned to a hospital ship patrolling from DaNang to the DMZ during the Tet Offensive. Everyday helos would land on our helo deck at all hours dropping off our wounded. As I walked one main passageway daily I saw our wounded, some seriously and some not so seriously.

I never thought anything I saw while serving on the hospital ship affected me. When discharged I found a job that lasted 89 days and got married. Over the years, I had one job after another, had trouble with my marriage and fought hard to hold my temper. On one occasion my temper came close to landing me in prison. One guy just would not stay off my case do I invited him to fight my way. I told him we would take it outside where I walked over to my car, opened the trunk to get two model 1911 .45 cal guns. I put one shell in each chamber then told him to back up as I was going to blow his dumb ass away.

It was not until Men returning from Vietnam were being diagnosed with PTSD that I thought anything was wrong with me. I knew the sound of helos caused me anxiety and distress and that sometimes I dreamed about Nam. I knew I felt guilty for not being by the side of a friend when he was shot and later died from wounds received in Nam. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD because I never let a doctor know what I was experiencing, but I still suffer. Even today the sounds of helos bring back the sights and sounds I lived with for a year.

Thank you for your service... I think THIS POST is a very good sign. You need to talk about it. What you saw will never go away but talking about it might help you cope.

Its true unless someone walked in your shoes we do NOT understand what you are going through.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Thank you pussies. All you people ate snowflakes

My old man was in the marines in the Pacidic when WW2 ended. He was 15 years old.

 

[NightL]

Come on Jimbo - not this thread

 

[NOIRTRASH]

 

[NOIRTRASH]

 

[NOIRTRASH]

[

 

[yukonnights]

 

[philos]

Thank you pussies. All you people ate snowflakes

My old man was in the marines in the Pacidic when WW2 ended. He was 15 years old.

So your father was a criminal (lied to the marines to join) and a killer. Still doesn't explain why you can't spell.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

So your father was a criminal (lied to the marines to join) and a killer. Still doesn't explain why you can't spell.

Public school.

My old man also went to prison for armed robbery.

Uh oh, looks like our snowflakes caught another dose of PTSD from my posts. Is usually just rainy days and Mondays kick snowflake ass.

 

[Tigersman]

Thank you pussies. All you people ate snowflakes

My old man was in the marines in the Pacidic when WW2 ended. He was 15 years old.

A lot of men, some just boys who bearly needed to shave served in WWII. A good part of them never talked about what they saw or felt. They came home to a hero's welcome unlike mine that were called 'baby killers' and 'losers'. WWII vets were graciously given good care when they got home. Vietnam vets fought tooth and nail to get care for the cancers our vets were diagnosed with from agent orange used to defoliate the forests. Between Vietnam and Iran, Congress made up of our grandfathers and great grandfathers stripped the veterans benefits. It was not until Afganistan and Iraq that some of the benefits were restored.

Yes, we are pussies for believing our country would take care of us when we returned home. We were pussies to believe our Nation's leaders would try to win the war rather than throw our troops lives away like so much garbage.

 

[Nzerxx]

I have anxiety and depression too

I think this is a really important topic to talk about and get out in the open

Mine stemmed from living through earthquake in 2010/11. When I got help I discovered that I had had anxiety my whole life I just didn't know it

Found a really good psychologist who I still see semi regularly and am on anti depressants but my life is so much better. I still have attacks at times but nowhere near as bad

Feel free to pm me