Desultory and Impulsive

[Dionysian Beast]

It's good to see you around, buddy.

 

[y=mx+b]

It's good to see you around, buddy.

Hey man, thanks!
Doing what I can to keep on doing what I do! Whatever it is that I do

 

[Dionysian Beast]

Hey man, thanks!
Doing what I can to keep on doing what I do! Whatever it is that I do

Keep it up, you're doing good!

 

[y=mx+b]

I took a nap

...and fell hard a sleep.

Woke up believing it was the start of the weekend
Happy that she was here.

While at the same time feeling I had overslept, late for work, and that she was gone.



I'm not sure if it is the having of woken up so abruptly
The dread of having to go work
Or the realization that she's no longer here
That has come to cause me to feel so ill inside.

 

[y=mx+b]

I never fully recovered from my nap.

She was here for only a short period of time
And then... gone.

It was really like it was just a dream.

One where we were surrounded by people and all I wanted was just a moment away with her but never really getting it... my silence, my quiet company never able to out compete stimulating conversation.

 

[y=mx+b]

There comes a sobering moment
A fact-of-the-matterness

And it fills me
Once again

How something about myself
Isn't... right.


It's been discussed before in therapy

Multiple times.

Existing out in orbit
Never really being pulled in
Never really being pushed away

But always... out there

Not in the sense of being radical
Or some sort of game changer
Or mystic Oracle
Like the such is oft believed to be

 

[y=mx+b]

I opened the fridge to put the fork I was using it it.
As if that was where it belonged.

 

[y=mx+b]

Why did she sit on my lap?

 

[y=mx+b]

What was it that she was hoping for?

 

[y=mx+b]

Why did she so abruptly get up once my hand touched the bare skin of her leg?

 

[y=mx+b]

Why did she walk away

 

[_Milky_Whites_]

There comes a sobering moment
A fact-of-the-matterness

And it fills me
Once again

How something about myself
Isn't... right.


It's been discussed before in therapy

Multiple times.

Existing out in orbit
Never really being pulled in
Never really being pushed away

But always... out there

Not in the sense of being radical
Or some sort of game changer
Or mystic Oracle
Like the such is oft believed to be

Who makes that decision, the one that says something isn't right? Maybe something is just a little different than the sheep. Just enough to make you unforgettable.

Hello, stranger.

 

[y=mx+b]

Who makes that decision, the one that says something isn't right? Maybe something is just a little different than the sheep. Just enough to make you unforgettable.

Hello, stranger.

I make that decision
And it's one I'm tired of making
One that I've come to wish I could break
And a driving force that made me seek out therapy

Being a star too dim to see directly directly...
A stray dog outside a village...

All just there.
Always just... there

Orbiting
In the periphery

Static background noise.




She asked me if I missed my cat.
It was a glancing swift kick to my nuts

I did
I missed him very much
But not because he was my cat

But exactly because he was my cat
And he saw me
And we lived through a period of time together
That we made together
And it was ours

And it was all really stupid because he was a cat

But he wasn't a cat


He was time


A defined moment
That was of everything
Contained everything
A vessel
That kept experiences
And remembered them
And reminded me of them

A stone sticking above the rushing water

A friend.


I am not sure why she got up so abruptly when I touched her

I find myself feeling like a disappointment
As if I were supposed to have taken her up then and there

She took a chance
To gave me a chance
I lagged
She turned off

Got up and left.

 

[y=mx+b]

It's time to not be known again
To shut up
And shut out

To turn cold
And be grey like the winter sky

It is a time to fall inward
And be paved over

 

[_Milky_Whites_]

It's time to not be known again
To shut up
And shut out

To turn cold
And be grey like the winter sky

It is a time to fall inward
And be paved over

I disagree.

 

[rubydlite]

It's time to not be known again
To shut up
And shut out

To turn cold
And be grey like the winter sky

It is a time to fall inward
And be paved over

I disagree as well...

 

[y=mx+b]

She changed her narrative
Which was something I should have expected

Thoughts run across my mind


Some time ago
I experienced an intimate moment
Brought about by another woman

During an exchange she asked me
"How do I know that what you are saying to me
...is not just something I want to hear?"

It was a weird moment and I felt myself fall into what can only be described as the matrix screen. You know the raining code screen in the movie

All was dark
As dark as the room I am laying in now

Every aspect of me searched through emotional code
Seeking out the right linguistic combination of words to say

To assure her
That the such
Was exactly
Not at all what I was doing

All the while knowing good goddamn well
That THAT
Was exactly
All I had ever been doing

To her
And everyone else.



Having chosen not to sleep
I find myself
Back in that dark room

Running through code

Seeking out away
To change the narrative
Of my own life.

 

[y=mx+b]

I am caught up in an empty
That I keep trying to fill

I am not her rapist
I like to think that I was
And I think she thought I could be

But I'm not
And have proven it
Much to what I feel
Has come to be
Her dissatisfaction.

 

[y=mx+b]

Yet....

Admissions of this
Do not stop my thoughts

...or my wants

I continue to happen upon moments
As I walk about the property
Of thinking... here... this is where I would do -this- to her

When we crossed such a place
I found myself short of breath
The beating of my heart pounded my skull
It was relentless
I thought I was about to pass out

The day was perfect
The moment was perfect
And she was stupid unaware

 

[_Milky_Whites_]

She changed her narrative
Which was something I should have expected

Thoughts run across my mind


Some time ago
I experienced an intimate moment
Brought about by another woman

During an exchange she asked me
"How do I know that what you are saying to me
...is not just something I want to hear?"

It was a weird moment and I felt myself fall into what can only be described as the matrix screen. You know the raining code screen in the movie

All was dark
As dark as the room I am laying in now

Every aspect of me searched through emotional code
Seeking out the right linguistic combination of words to say

To assure her
That the such
Was exactly
Not at all what I was doing

All the while knowing good goddamn well
That THAT
Was exactly
All I had ever been doing

To her
And everyone else.



Having chosen not to sleep
I find myself
Back in that dark room

Running through code

Seeking out away
To change the narrative
Of my own life.

Honesty. And insight into another mind. Something we so rarely get.

 

[y=mx+b]

I can eat whatever I want for breakfast...

because I am an adult.
And my metabolism is fucking bulletproof

...for now.

 

[AlliaPotestas]

because I am an adult.
And my metabolism is fucking bulletproof

...for now.

Lucky you! Can I have the frog one?

ps - nice bum, xx

 

[rubydlite]

because I am an adult.
And my metabolism is fucking bulletproof

...for now.

I wish I could eat *whatever* I wanted

 

[y=mx+b]

Lucky you! Can I have the frog one?

ps - nice bum, xx

Thank you
You certainly can!

I will set it aside.

 

[y=mx+b]

I wish I could eat *whatever* I wanted

Indeed. Indeed...