Dirty jokes

[Svenskaflicka]

What's the difference between kinky and sick?

Kinky, is when you use a feather to tickle your partner.

Sick, is when you use the whole chicken.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

A man goes out into the woods, hunting. As he's walking, he suddenly stands face to face with a bear! Naturally, he's terrified, and he shoots the bear... who gets back up on his feet, shrugs, and turn to the man and says:

-You do realize that you're gonna have to be punished for this, right?

The man can't speak, he's too frightened. He just stands there, shivering.

-Come on, says the bear. Turn around, take off your pants, and bend forward.

...One hour later, the man staggers back home to his house, angry, humiliated, and with a rather sore ass. He wants REVENGE!!! So, he goes into the house and gets a bigger gun, an automatic, and goes back out into the woods, looking for the bear.
Sure enough, he finds him, and he finishes all his ammunition into the bear's body...whereby the bear gets back up, brushes the dust off his dur, and trurn to the hunter and says:

-Well, you know the routine - turn around, take off your pants, bend over...

Onw hour later, the man comes back home, and now he's furious. He goes into the house and collects all the weapons he has, every gun, every box of ammuntion, even a handgranate! He runs back into the woods, and looks for the bear. When he finds him, he let loose World War 3 on the poor animal. By the time he's out of ammunition, there's a crater in those woods!
The bear gets back up, shakes his head, and turns to the man, and says:

-You don't really come here to HUNT, do ya?

 

[gauchecritic]

Teacher says to the class "Give me a sentence using the word beautiful"

Mary stands; "Every morning I come to school through the meadow, the sunshine is beautiful and spring time in the meadow is beautiful"

Bobby stands; "My mother is a beautiful woman with beautiful clothes"

Johnnies turn comes and he says "This morning at the breakfast table my sister who is in college told mother she was pregnant. My father said 'Beautiful. Fucking beautiful"

Check out www.thehun.com also www.amazingjokes.com The joke archive.

 

[BgMma]

I have some!!!!

What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will sleep with everyone and you.
A bitch will sleep with everyone BUT you.



One I heard the other day......
I woman was complaining to her husband while he was watching TV.
Honey, could you please fix the light in the hall? It's been blinking for a week!
Do I look like I have GE stamped on my forehead? I don't think so!
Well, could you fix the fridge door? It hasn't been shutting right.
Do I look like I have Frigidaire stamped on my forehead? I don't think so!
Well, how about the front stairs? They are awfully wobbly.
Do I look like Bob Vila to you? I don't think so!
He finally got tired of her griping and went to the bar. After a few hours he felt very bad about talking to his wife that way and went home to apologise.
When he got home, he noticed his wife sitting on the front steps and they were fixed. He went inside and saw that the hall light was repaired and the fridge door would shut. He went outside and stared at her wondrously.
WHat happened? Did you fix all this yourself?
No. I sat here and cried after you left and a nice young man came by and offered to fix the house if I baked him a cake or had sex with him.
So what kind of cake did you bake?
Do I look like I have Betty Crocker stamped on my forehead? I don't think so!

 

[bearlee]

Didn't see this one on here yet(I hope)

One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.

One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."

 

[Guest]

ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa too good!

 

[Svenskaflicka]

How true...

 

[damppanties]

Good one Svenska and great AV!

 

[LadyJulie]

A man goes out into the woods, hunting. As he's walking, he suddenly stands face to face with a bear! Naturally, he's terrified, and he shoots the bear... who gets back up on his feet, shrugs, and turn to the man and says:

-You do realize that you're gonna have to be punished for this, right?

The man can't speak, he's too frightened. He just stands there, shivering.

-Come on, says the bear. Turn around, take off your pants, and bend forward.

...One hour later, the man staggers back home to his house, angry, humiliated, and with a rather sore ass. He wants REVENGE!!! So, he goes into the house and gets a bigger gun, an automatic, and goes back out into the woods, looking for the bear.
Sure enough, he finds him, and he finishes all his ammunition into the bear's body...whereby the bear gets back up, brushes the dust off his dur, and trurn to the hunter and says:

-Well, you know the routine - turn around, take off your pants, bend over...

Onw hour later, the man comes back home, and now he's furious. He goes into the house and collects all the weapons he has, every gun, every box of ammuntion, even a handgranate! He runs back into the woods, and looks for the bear. When he finds him, he let loose World War 3 on the poor animal. By the time he's out of ammunition, there's a crater in those woods!
The bear gets back up, shakes his head, and turns to the man, and says:

-You don't really come here to HUNT, do ya?

my man is a hunter, chuckles

 

[LadyJulie]

how can you tell if a guy has a high sperm count?
*
*
*
if you have to chew...

cute one, thanks

 

[BgMma]

The is this old man who goes to a whore house. HE asks the madam for a girl with the clap.
She acts indignant, but decides to get a girl for him anyway.
When the girl takes him upstairs, he asks if she has the clap, she screams and says no.
He runs back downstairs and demands that she supply him with a girl who has the clap.
She gets one of her other girls and ttakes her aside.
"You tell this geezer you have the clap. I need the business."
She agrees and takes the man to her room.
They have sex and she is sitting in bed while he is getting dressed.
"Look, pops, I dont' really have the clap."

He looks at her and smiles. "Now you do."

 

[Pookie]

The Perfect man

A lonely woman had no luck in finding the right man so she posted an article in the Singles section of her local paper. It read like this:

Looking for the perfect man. One who will not run around on me, or beat me, and is very good in bed.

About 3 days later she had a knock at the door. When she opened the door there was a man in a wheel chair there that had no arms and no legs.

Woman: "Can I help you"
Man: "I'm here. I'm your perfect man that you were asking for in your article"
Woman: "But you have no legs"
Man:"Well I will not run around on you"
Woman: "But you have no arms"
Man:"Well I can't beat you"
Woman:"Are you really that good in bed?"
Man:"I knocked on the door didn't I"

 

[Ineedamuse]

Dirty Animal Jokes

Do you know why the ram ran over the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

When the FBI was hiring new people, they made their candidates go through a series of hard tests, to make sure that they would sort out all that were too stupid or too chicken for the job. By the time they were doing the final test, there was only 3 people left, two men and one woman. The head of the testing team took them to a corridor where there were three doors.

-Go through door number 1, he said to the first man, handing him a gun. Take this gun with you, and kill the first person you see inside that room.

The man went in, but immediately came running back out and threw the gun at the head man.

-You crazy son of a..! That's my wife in there! the man screamed. I can't kill my wife!!!

The head man gave the gun to the second man, and told him:

-Go through door number 2. Take this gun with you, and kill the first person you see inside that room.

The second man went in, hesitantly, and stayed in there for a minute or two before he came back out and gave the gun to the head man.

-I can't do it, he said, pale and shivering. I love my country, but I love my wife even more. I can't kill her.

The head man then gave the gun to the woman, and told her:

-Go through door number 3. Take this gun with you, and kill the first person you see inside that room.

The woman went into the room, and there was a minute of silence, before a lot of noise came from the room. The commotion went on for a couple of minutes, then it was, again, all silent. The woman came out and gave the gun to the head man.

-It was my husband in there, she said. But this gun you gave me didn't have any bullet sin it, so I had to beat him to death with the chair...

 

[Pookie]

Viagra Slogans

Viagra Advertising Slogans

Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

Viagra, Like a rock!

Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

Viagra, Be all that you can be.

Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].

Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!

Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. [/list=1]

 

[Svenskaflicka]

A man comes to the doctor with a huge problem - literally! His dick is 20" long! Though this may seem like a dream scenario to some, to this man, it's a nightmare. He can't get any woman to have sex with him, and he can't masturbate, because every time he gets an erection, all the blood in his head goes into his dick, and he passes out. He really wants his dick to be smaller.

-Doctor, he says, can you help me? Is there any operation I can have? Any medicines? ANYTHING???

-I'm sorry, says the doctor. Medicine can't help you. BUT, if you're desperate, I know a witch in the woods who might help you.

He explains the way to the witch's house to the man, and the man goes there, and explains his situation to the witch.

-Can you help me? he says. You're my only hope?

The witch looks at him, bewildered, scratches her head, and says:

-I think I can help you, she says. Do like this: Go deep, deep, deep into the woods. There you'll find a pond. In this pond, you'll find a frog, sitting on a log. This frog is magic. Ask the frog to marry you. When the frog says "no", your dick will shrink 4".

The man's face lits up, he thanks the witch and runs out into the woods. He goes deep, deep, deep into the woods, and finds a pond, and sees a frog sitting on a log. He walks over to the frog and says:

-Frog, will you marry me?

The frog looks at him, greatly surprised, and says:

-No!

The man feels a tingling sensation in his groin, and as he pulls down his pants, he sees that his dick has shrunk 4"!

-Whow! shouts the man. This is... Whow!

But, it was still too long, so he turns to the frog again, and asks:

-Frog, will you marry me?

The frog makes a face and says:

-No!

The man feels his dick twitch, and sees that it has shrunk another 4".

-This is amazing, the man chuckles, looking down at his 12" dick.

However, 12" IS a bit much, so he decides to shorten it just a LITTLE bit more... He turns to the frog again.

-Frog! he says. Will-you-marry-me?

The frog looks at him, angrily, and shakes its little green head.

-How many times do I have to tell you? it shouts. No, no, NO!!!

 

[Pookie]

Why Women Love Ugly Men

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?"

"Well," says the bartender, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows..."

 

[Pookie]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I ?"

 

[Quasimodem]

Ever see a Redneck Vibrator?

 

[poohlive]

This is a dirty joke, which I couldn't help but chuckle, but I also can see why it would offend a lot of people. I put it up here, not cause I agree with it, but simply because I believe in the first amendment, judge it as you like. I found it in the book Red Dragon, coming to theatres October 4 everywhere, check your local listings.

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave a trail everywhere they go.



What does a sixty year old woman have between her breasts that a forty year old doesn't?

Bellybutton.


When God was first making all the creatures, he gave out a bit of everything to everyone. Life span, hair, sleep, and even inteligence. On this particular day, he was figuring out sex for all the creatures.
Man came up to God, and he said, "You get twenty years of sex."
Now, even though that's a long time, the man was outraged, and asked for more. But, hell, he was arguing with God, and it didn't get very far.
Next in line was the lion, who also got twenty years, "I only really need ten."
Man, spoke up, "Can I have those other ten?"
The lion agreed. Next in line was the monkey, who also got twenty and only wanted ten. Man budged himself in again, and got another ten years of sex life for himself.
Finally, the donkey came in, and like before he got twenty, only wanted ten, and then man picked up the rest.
This might explain why man has twenty years of a normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of being a jackass.

A woman got stopped by a state trooper. When he came up to the window, she asked, "You going to give me tickets to the policeman's ball?"
"No ma'am," he said, "State troopers don't have balls."
It took him a few minutes to take in what he actually said, and with that, he simply got back into his car and drove off.

 

[damppanties]

Chinese Menu:

Suc mi dick

Lick mi clit

Tung sum chic

Tek in hand

Gulp sum cum

Fuc sum now

Choc on it

"Happy Dinner"

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

A man gives his girlfriend three dozen roses. She's so thrilled that she immediately undresses, lies down, spreads her legs and says coyly, "This is for the roses."

Man, incredously: "Can't you just find a vase?"

-DP.

 

[TheEarl]

A fireman goes into a burning building, looking for anybody still in there. This beautiful woman comes out of a bedroom, dressed only in a very skimpy nightgown. The fireman says: "Wow that's amazing, you're the third pregnant woman I've rescued this week."

The woman is offended and says "Hey, I'm not pregnant."

The fireman grins and says "Yeah, but you're not rescued yet either."



The Earl

 

[Svenskaflicka]

A woman comes into the grocery store and asks to buy a box of condoms. The shop clerk shows her a lot of different brands, and she has a hard time deciding. Blushing, she explains:

-Normally my husband takes care of this, but he's out of town for the weekend, so I have to do it myself...