Dominance = Aggression? MsW's *analyze it to death* thread
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WillowPuss
serene in submission
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Re: Part 2
To me it is all about control.
Nothing more, nothing less ... total and utter control.
A rapist is a sexual aggressor - and to my mind a rapist couldn't be further from a Dom/me if they tried.
MsWorthy said:
To me it is all about control.
Nothing more, nothing less ... total and utter control.
A rapist is a sexual aggressor - and to my mind a rapist couldn't be further from a Dom/me if they tried.
Part 3 - still with me?
Part 3: If you continue to answer, you will win an all expense paid vacation to. . . literotica bdsm talk
If the main trait of a dominant is need/desire for control, wouldn't it follow that anyone who is a control freak is a dom/me?
It isn't about communication skills, or using whips, floggers, and the like...those can be learned by anyone. (Can dominance be learned?)
It isn't about strength of character, integrity, respect, tolerance, or good manners; these are desireable traits for anyone and many non-bdsmers have them. (Of course, these traits are desireable in a dom/me, but do we really believe that they are part of the make-up of every - or even most - dom/mes?)
So, what is it about a person that signals her/him that she/he may be dominant? How would you respond to a newbie who asked you this question: How do I know if I am/could be a dom/me?
Part 3: If you continue to answer, you will win an all expense paid vacation to. . . literotica bdsm talk
If the main trait of a dominant is need/desire for control, wouldn't it follow that anyone who is a control freak is a dom/me?
It isn't about communication skills, or using whips, floggers, and the like...those can be learned by anyone. (Can dominance be learned?)
It isn't about strength of character, integrity, respect, tolerance, or good manners; these are desireable traits for anyone and many non-bdsmers have them. (Of course, these traits are desireable in a dom/me, but do we really believe that they are part of the make-up of every - or even most - dom/mes?)
So, what is it about a person that signals her/him that she/he may be dominant? How would you respond to a newbie who asked you this question: How do I know if I am/could be a dom/me?
Lancecastor
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I never thought algorythmns would be particularly useful either, until elliptical curve encryption made millions for some of my friends.
P. B. Walker said:
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
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Re: Part 2
I don't mind and can take the sexual lead on occasion, though i really don't want to have to do so on a regular basis. Such a situation would make me distinctly uncomfortable.
The flip side to being in a relationship where one person effectively controls when and where and if there's any hanky-spanky going on is that if i'm feeling frisky and he's not, then i wait.
In more egalitarian relationships, there's lip service given to the idea that each partner has the freedom to choose whether or not they want sex right then and there. In our kind of relationships, there's inherently less freedom to choose that for most of us on my side of the line but more freedom, oddly enough, to be exactly who we are (no more, no less, no straining into being a sexual-initiator if such a thing doesn't really fit) within the metes and bounds of our "roles".
Six of one, half a dozen of the other, i think--and everything depends on recognizing and articulating what you need to your partner and hoping thier needs are a complement to yours.
In my view, it's that inherent control of oneself and desire--need--to control another that makes a dominant just as it's the desire--need--to be controlled thatmakes a submissive. We're complementary parts, each incomplete without the other.
Being sexually aggressive is simply one of the means by which some, perhaps most, dominants express this genetic-level need to exert sexual and emotional control over a submissive partner. In my mind, most of us need such aggression, either as the giver or the reciever, and come to depend and rely on it in a way that's almost a universal pattern for sexuality among people like us.
So in my version of this truth, it is really control that makes a dominant and sexual aggressor/initiatorship is one of the primary ways that dominants express thier, uh, primacy. ("Dominancehood" isn't a word, right?
)
To me, in my mind and in my life, as a part of the relationships i most prefer and in which i feel most comfortable, most submissive, most "myself", it is clear that, first and foremost, one who is initially sexually aggressive is appealling to me. Furthermore, for me, i desire someone who remains sexually aggressive for the most part, as our relationship continues to develop and grow.MsWorthy said:
I don't mind and can take the sexual lead on occasion, though i really don't want to have to do so on a regular basis. Such a situation would make me distinctly uncomfortable.
The flip side to being in a relationship where one person effectively controls when and where and if there's any hanky-spanky going on is that if i'm feeling frisky and he's not, then i wait.
In more egalitarian relationships, there's lip service given to the idea that each partner has the freedom to choose whether or not they want sex right then and there. In our kind of relationships, there's inherently less freedom to choose that for most of us on my side of the line but more freedom, oddly enough, to be exactly who we are (no more, no less, no straining into being a sexual-initiator if such a thing doesn't really fit) within the metes and bounds of our "roles".
Six of one, half a dozen of the other, i think--and everything depends on recognizing and articulating what you need to your partner and hoping thier needs are a complement to yours.
To begin with and not nitpick but to make clear my own prejudices in this matter, a dominant, like a submissive, is not "made". I believe that there's something inherently genetic in our needing the expression of something this far off the sexual norm (whatever the "sexual norm" would be) in our lives.
In my view, it's that inherent control of oneself and desire--need--to control another that makes a dominant just as it's the desire--need--to be controlled thatmakes a submissive. We're complementary parts, each incomplete without the other.
Being sexually aggressive is simply one of the means by which some, perhaps most, dominants express this genetic-level need to exert sexual and emotional control over a submissive partner. In my mind, most of us need such aggression, either as the giver or the reciever, and come to depend and rely on it in a way that's almost a universal pattern for sexuality among people like us.
So in my version of this truth, it is really control that makes a dominant and sexual aggressor/initiatorship is one of the primary ways that dominants express thier, uh, primacy. ("Dominancehood" isn't a word, right?
)
cymbidia
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Re: Part 3 - still with me?
Aside from the trait of a need/desire for control, a good dom/me needs the self-awareness to recognize that the need is not just something that applies to thier daily work life but might extend into the dark corners of thier intimate/sexual/emotional needs as well. A good dom/me needs an open mind, self-control, and a inward-seeking intensity that quests after an answer to "who am i, really?" kinda questions. A good dom/me needs a willingness to take chances and the ability to accept enormous amounts of responsibility for another person's welfare. A good dom/me needs to be able listen and hear, and to communicate his/her own needs and desires and expectations in a meaningful manner, often to someone who is afraid to speak up or inhibited about his/her own needs.
This is just a partial listing, for me, in my life, of what and who is characterized by the word "dom/me". There's far more that goes into the making of a good dom/me, in my opinion, then simply the base need/desire for control.
However, i maintain (and this is based on nothing at all, just my own feelings) that there's a genetic basis for the expression of D/s behavior in one's life, just like there's a genetic basis for the expression of homosexuality.
Like homo- and bisexuality, there's got to be a continuum along the axis of not dominant or submissive and totally dominant or submissive along which we all fall. Some of us are faher to one side than are others of us. Some of us express this, too, and allow it out in our lives in varied ways. Some of us suppress it and do not allow it a voice in thier lives at all. Some of us let it rip in work situations but no place else. Some let it out in personal, behind-closed-doors, relationships, and that's all.
But it's there. And i believe that it's genetically determined. The "nurture" aspects of our lives can play a part in how we express these parts of our genetic coding, but they can't change us into who we are not.
Therefore, dominance can be learned, to an extent. We can learn to express our dominance, if that's already hardwired into us as a part of who we are. We can learn about the idea, the reality, of the physical/sexual/emotional dominance of someone else. We can learn to swing a bullwhip and fling a flogger.
In my mind, though, we can't learn to be a contented and glowing happy dominant if there's no raw genetic propensity to be so present to begin with.
Of course, i honestly believe they're a part of the make-up of most humans, too, regardless of sexual orientation or kink needs.
I believe most people in the world are good and want what we all want: someone to love and be loved by, food and fresh water enough to live in comfort, shelter in proportion to our needs, money enough to pay the bills and have something leftover for fun, meaningful work, and good friends.
1. Read. Read widely and read from many sources. Keep track of what calls to you as you read, what stirs your soul, what causes you to feel aroused.
2. Analyze. Analyze that which has caught your interest. Determine if it's the control that calls, and from which side. Is it wielding the control or being controlled? Is it the instruments of pain/pleasure that make you shivery or the intangible of the power shifting between you and your partner, imaginary though they might be at this point, that makes you hunger?
3. Find a few stories you like, stories that draw you, that remain in your mind. What character in those stories is most attractive to you? What things happening to or around and within that character are most compelling?
4. Finally, do you think you're dom/me? Do you want to investigate such a headspace, a way of being, or is it repellent/scary/too much work to you? Do you wish to keep your playful dominant side to kinky bedroom games or do you want to delve deeply into the day-to-day realities of this lifestyle?
5. It is your life, your sexuality, your decision. There is no one best way for us all and everything depends on what you need and want.
That's what i would say.
Woohoo! Sign me up!MsWorthy said:
Since the main trait of a dominant is a need/desire for control, but that's not the only trait, it stands to reason in my mind that without the convergence of those other traits, too, one would probably be a alpha kinda person in most parts of thier life but wouldn't necessarily be a BDSM type dom/me in thier personal/sexual lives.
Aside from the trait of a need/desire for control, a good dom/me needs the self-awareness to recognize that the need is not just something that applies to thier daily work life but might extend into the dark corners of thier intimate/sexual/emotional needs as well. A good dom/me needs an open mind, self-control, and a inward-seeking intensity that quests after an answer to "who am i, really?" kinda questions. A good dom/me needs a willingness to take chances and the ability to accept enormous amounts of responsibility for another person's welfare. A good dom/me needs to be able listen and hear, and to communicate his/her own needs and desires and expectations in a meaningful manner, often to someone who is afraid to speak up or inhibited about his/her own needs.
This is just a partial listing, for me, in my life, of what and who is characterized by the word "dom/me". There's far more that goes into the making of a good dom/me, in my opinion, then simply the base need/desire for control.
The tricks of the trade can and are learned; how else would any of us know how to attach nipple clamps or know when to use that tone of voice.
However, i maintain (and this is based on nothing at all, just my own feelings) that there's a genetic basis for the expression of D/s behavior in one's life, just like there's a genetic basis for the expression of homosexuality.
Like homo- and bisexuality, there's got to be a continuum along the axis of not dominant or submissive and totally dominant or submissive along which we all fall. Some of us are faher to one side than are others of us. Some of us express this, too, and allow it out in our lives in varied ways. Some of us suppress it and do not allow it a voice in thier lives at all. Some of us let it rip in work situations but no place else. Some let it out in personal, behind-closed-doors, relationships, and that's all.
But it's there. And i believe that it's genetically determined. The "nurture" aspects of our lives can play a part in how we express these parts of our genetic coding, but they can't change us into who we are not.
Therefore, dominance can be learned, to an extent. We can learn to express our dominance, if that's already hardwired into us as a part of who we are. We can learn about the idea, the reality, of the physical/sexual/emotional dominance of someone else. We can learn to swing a bullwhip and fling a flogger.
In my mind, though, we can't learn to be a contented and glowing happy dominant if there's no raw genetic propensity to be so present to begin with.
Yes. I believe they are a part of the make-up of most dominants.
Of course, i honestly believe they're a part of the make-up of most humans, too, regardless of sexual orientation or kink needs.
I believe most people in the world are good and want what we all want: someone to love and be loved by, food and fresh water enough to live in comfort, shelter in proportion to our needs, money enough to pay the bills and have something leftover for fun, meaningful work, and good friends.
I woud say to them:
1. Read. Read widely and read from many sources. Keep track of what calls to you as you read, what stirs your soul, what causes you to feel aroused.
2. Analyze. Analyze that which has caught your interest. Determine if it's the control that calls, and from which side. Is it wielding the control or being controlled? Is it the instruments of pain/pleasure that make you shivery or the intangible of the power shifting between you and your partner, imaginary though they might be at this point, that makes you hunger?
3. Find a few stories you like, stories that draw you, that remain in your mind. What character in those stories is most attractive to you? What things happening to or around and within that character are most compelling?
4. Finally, do you think you're dom/me? Do you want to investigate such a headspace, a way of being, or is it repellent/scary/too much work to you? Do you wish to keep your playful dominant side to kinky bedroom games or do you want to delve deeply into the day-to-day realities of this lifestyle?
5. It is your life, your sexuality, your decision. There is no one best way for us all and everything depends on what you need and want.
That's what i would say.
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Give that Woman a . . . ceegar
Cymbidia (I am using your *full name* to indicate the depth of my praise ~grins~), thank you for taking the time to post a well thought out response, and sharing your viewpoint.
You have obviously done your mental work and have taken responsibility for understanding both where your dom/me is *coming from* and what your own personal needs/expectations are as it regards finding a dom/me that meets your needs!
~Give that Woman her lifetime pass~
I would very much enjoy hearing from others on this topic. (Anyone who doesn't have a headache yet...lol)
Cymbidia (I am using your *full name* to indicate the depth of my praise ~grins~), thank you for taking the time to post a well thought out response, and sharing your viewpoint.
You have obviously done your mental work and have taken responsibility for understanding both where your dom/me is *coming from* and what your own personal needs/expectations are as it regards finding a dom/me that meets your needs!
~Give that Woman her lifetime pass~
I would very much enjoy hearing from others on this topic. (Anyone who doesn't have a headache yet...lol)
beatrice51
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How do I know if I am/could be a dom/me?
If it is simply a question of knowing if you could be, then anyone who relishes in control or is considered aggressive by nature could be a dom/me. Whether that is full time or not depends on various circumstances.
Ten years ago, if you were to explain to me the concept of D/s and had asked, "Which one do you think you could be?" I would have replied a quick domme. But because I am now comfortable (and constantly learning) with my sexuality in all concepts, I know that I am a sub. I also know that I am not a domme. (If that makes sense.)
If someone were to ask me if I thought they were a dom/me, I think I would suggest they do some serious research. Perhaps suggest a check list that could assist in their questioning.
If it is simply a question of knowing if you could be, then anyone who relishes in control or is considered aggressive by nature could be a dom/me. Whether that is full time or not depends on various circumstances.
Ten years ago, if you were to explain to me the concept of D/s and had asked, "Which one do you think you could be?" I would have replied a quick domme. But because I am now comfortable (and constantly learning) with my sexuality in all concepts, I know that I am a sub. I also know that I am not a domme. (If that makes sense.)
If someone were to ask me if I thought they were a dom/me, I think I would suggest they do some serious research. Perhaps suggest a check list that could assist in their questioning.
boz
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Re: Re: Part 3 - still with me?
Interesting.
And what about the characters? If one finds O (from The Story of) interesting or Beauty of the Anne Rice series, would that suggest a submissive side? Or could that also be an indicator of a dominant side if one didn't identify with the submissives, but liked them as characters and wanted to b e the person dominating them?
cymbidia said:
Interesting.
And what about the characters? If one finds O (from The Story of) interesting or Beauty of the Anne Rice series, would that suggest a submissive side? Or could that also be an indicator of a dominant side if one didn't identify with the submissives, but liked them as characters and wanted to b e the person dominating them?
SpectreT
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Side Note..... (Well, it's part rant, too....)
I don't agree with the posts early in the thread that seem to equate aggressiveness with a lack of control. Aggressiveness, in my opinion, is like any other emotional state; it can be invoked by outside stimuli or internal monologue, it can be quelled by the same methods; All emotions are owned, and should be controlled by, each of us as people. I'm speaking from the perspective of somone who has in the past two years very nearly remade himself, emotionally anyway....
We can experience our emotions without giving them control; we can call them up, channel and focus them, and even, though this is far harder to do, banish them when they are neither wanted nor productive.
I'm still working on that last one, but I'm nowhere near as Depressed, as often, as I was even a year ago. And I did that without Paxil or Prozac or Zoloft. I did it by finally admitting ownership and accepting stewardship of my emotional state.
Sorry. Equating an emotional state with a loss of control just pushed a button of mine. I know what losing control to an emotion is.
End of rant, side note, and opinion.... I'll post a little more on topic in a few minutes.... gotta cut 'n' paste and think and think some more, then I'll post my cogent thoughts on the questions posed.
Will they be the answers?
Unlikely, but they will be my answers, and I'll happily share them with you.
I don't agree with the posts early in the thread that seem to equate aggressiveness with a lack of control. Aggressiveness, in my opinion, is like any other emotional state; it can be invoked by outside stimuli or internal monologue, it can be quelled by the same methods; All emotions are owned, and should be controlled by, each of us as people. I'm speaking from the perspective of somone who has in the past two years very nearly remade himself, emotionally anyway....
We can experience our emotions without giving them control; we can call them up, channel and focus them, and even, though this is far harder to do, banish them when they are neither wanted nor productive.
I'm still working on that last one, but I'm nowhere near as Depressed, as often, as I was even a year ago. And I did that without Paxil or Prozac or Zoloft. I did it by finally admitting ownership and accepting stewardship of my emotional state.
Sorry. Equating an emotional state with a loss of control just pushed a button of mine. I know what losing control to an emotion is.
End of rant, side note, and opinion.... I'll post a little more on topic in a few minutes.... gotta cut 'n' paste and think and think some more, then I'll post my cogent thoughts on the questions posed.
Will they be the answers?
Unlikely, but they will be my answers, and I'll happily share them with you.
SpectreT
Knight in Tarnished Armor
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Part 1: My quick analysis; feel free to cross-examine. I LOVE thinking!
Aggressiveness, when channeled and focused (controlled, if you will), is a component of the stereotypical "Dom(me) Profile". There is an expectation of a certain.... intensity and exactitude, which aggression makes a fine fuel for. If you're asking "If a dom(me) is not sexually aggressive, ever, is s/he still dominant in your eyes?", I'd have to answer in the negative. If they don't have the fire to take charge sexually at least occasionally, they may be lacking that fire in other ways as well. The seeds of doubt would already be planted by that single aspect.
First? No. as I mentioned above, there's a certain aspect of personality, which lends itself towards intensity. (only word I can think of that fits) This quality would make them an "aggressor/initiator", rather than the reverse.
I switch, so this wouldn't bother me enough to think on it, but since the question's been posed, were I submissive, I'd have a seed of doubt in their dominance because of this, and that would undermine their authority in my own eyes.... kind of a downward spiral of their potential dominance over me.
I guess in the long run, my answer would be "no".
MsWorthy said:
Aggressiveness, when channeled and focused (controlled, if you will), is a component of the stereotypical "Dom(me) Profile". There is an expectation of a certain.... intensity and exactitude, which aggression makes a fine fuel for. If you're asking "If a dom(me) is not sexually aggressive, ever, is s/he still dominant in your eyes?", I'd have to answer in the negative. If they don't have the fire to take charge sexually at least occasionally, they may be lacking that fire in other ways as well. The seeds of doubt would already be planted by that single aspect.
First? No. as I mentioned above, there's a certain aspect of personality, which lends itself towards intensity. (only word I can think of that fits) This quality would make them an "aggressor/initiator", rather than the reverse.
I switch, so this wouldn't bother me enough to think on it, but since the question's been posed, were I submissive, I'd have a seed of doubt in their dominance because of this, and that would undermine their authority in my own eyes.... kind of a downward spiral of their potential dominance over me.
I guess in the long run, my answer would be "no".
SpectreT
Knight in Tarnished Armor
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Re: Part 2 Warning! the Polysyllabic Beast is Back with his Big Words!
Answering your last question first, that one datum is not enough to create a statistical universe in which to determine whether or not someone is posessed of dominant qualities, although I suspect (Gut Feeling, not Empirical Research, fuels this remark) the bell curve of those who self-identify as dominant would be more likely to be sexual initiators than not.
Controlling the sexuality, even by not being the instigator, does fit into the general idea I have of "dominant", provided it's clear that this is a control aspect, rather than a lack of intensity. In short, I'd need to see more than just this one aspect to form a gestalt of the hypothetical person in question.
edited to delete an unintentional smiley at the end of a parenthetic remark
MsWorthy said:
Answering your last question first, that one datum is not enough to create a statistical universe in which to determine whether or not someone is posessed of dominant qualities, although I suspect (Gut Feeling, not Empirical Research, fuels this remark) the bell curve of those who self-identify as dominant would be more likely to be sexual initiators than not.
Controlling the sexuality, even by not being the instigator, does fit into the general idea I have of "dominant", provided it's clear that this is a control aspect, rather than a lack of intensity. In short, I'd need to see more than just this one aspect to form a gestalt of the hypothetical person in question.
edited to delete an unintentional smiley at the end of a parenthetic remark
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cymbidia
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Re: Re: Re: Part 3 - still with me?
Most of us reading The Story of O or the Beauty books would, indeed, find the protagonists at least mildly compelling, would we not? It's the side of that interest which could help someone just coming to this decide which side of the flogger they were most interested in experiencing.
If one was racing through the Claiming of Beauty, for example, with a racing heart and sweaty palms while following every single adventure she'd been on and imagining themselves giving out that level of sensation, wouldn't that argue for dominant tendancies? The converse, someone new to this following Beauty's descent into ponyhood avidly, pulse racing, moisture pooling and flowing between trembling thighs, might indicate a propensity toward submission.
If one is honestly confused and doesn't know where to go or what to do to begin to determine which side of the line offers the most fulfillment, it seems reasonable to me that reading materials (like so many of the stories we have here at Lit, including many written by people who inhabit this forum) that delve into the lifestyle might offer another avenue toward self-identification of these needs.
Perhaps not, though. I was only thinking aloud, so to speak, in the post that prompted your comment. I could most definitely be way off base for most people.
Hello boz.boz said:
Most of us reading The Story of O or the Beauty books would, indeed, find the protagonists at least mildly compelling, would we not? It's the side of that interest which could help someone just coming to this decide which side of the flogger they were most interested in experiencing.
If one was racing through the Claiming of Beauty, for example, with a racing heart and sweaty palms while following every single adventure she'd been on and imagining themselves giving out that level of sensation, wouldn't that argue for dominant tendancies? The converse, someone new to this following Beauty's descent into ponyhood avidly, pulse racing, moisture pooling and flowing between trembling thighs, might indicate a propensity toward submission.
If one is honestly confused and doesn't know where to go or what to do to begin to determine which side of the line offers the most fulfillment, it seems reasonable to me that reading materials (like so many of the stories we have here at Lit, including many written by people who inhabit this forum) that delve into the lifestyle might offer another avenue toward self-identification of these needs.
Perhaps not, though. I was only thinking aloud, so to speak, in the post that prompted your comment. I could most definitely be way off base for most people.
~Dream~
Loving My Soulmate Scott
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just my thoughts..
First off I commend you on a very awesome and informative thread MsW..
Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?
Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?
_______________________________
*Dominance is all about Control plain,pure and simple..If My Dom chooses to be aggressive in a sexual way(so much the better) for I crave this from Him..
If however He chooses to act "aggressively as in a disrespectful approach to me,He will be instead demonstrating"lack of control" and will quickly lose my respect..
My 1st description of a Dom ..my Master..is "completer" He completes me by giving me the "Control" I yearn for,I seek..I DO expect for Him to be the initiar ,yes,as He is to be the one "in charge" however if He "CHOSE' for ME to initiate sex or whatever I would do as He wishes without a problem..not to be carried to extremes however as my sole pleasure comes from His "Control of " Me'
______________________________________
If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?
So, what are the signs that hint that one may be dominant? Is it first and foremost, one who is aggressive sexually, or is controlling sexually just as good (one can be controlling and not aggressive - ie requiring that one's sub initate sex is controlling their sexual encounters, but not initiating them)?
_________________________________________
*if my partner wanted ME to initiate sex all the time,well i'm sorry but at the place where we are in our relationship currently,I'd feel like I was topping(quite uncomfortable)..I'll always feel He ISmy Dom until He says He no longer is..period..
signs that Hint that a person may be Dom?? hmmm I would say a want to control another person,especially sexually,a desire to be a "leader ,respected,a guide,someone that likes to be admired,has a strong will,lots of patience....I have to say I love being controlled sexually as it is MY kink ,however I just as much love when Master is a bit aggressive because I NEED that also to keep me "in the mood"
more...
First off I commend you on a very awesome and informative thread MsW..
Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?
Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?
_______________________________
*Dominance is all about Control plain,pure and simple..If My Dom chooses to be aggressive in a sexual way(so much the better) for I crave this from Him..
If however He chooses to act "aggressively as in a disrespectful approach to me,He will be instead demonstrating"lack of control" and will quickly lose my respect..
My 1st description of a Dom ..my Master..is "completer" He completes me by giving me the "Control" I yearn for,I seek..I DO expect for Him to be the initiar ,yes,as He is to be the one "in charge" however if He "CHOSE' for ME to initiate sex or whatever I would do as He wishes without a problem..not to be carried to extremes however as my sole pleasure comes from His "Control of " Me'
______________________________________
If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?
So, what are the signs that hint that one may be dominant? Is it first and foremost, one who is aggressive sexually, or is controlling sexually just as good (one can be controlling and not aggressive - ie requiring that one's sub initate sex is controlling their sexual encounters, but not initiating them)?
_________________________________________
*if my partner wanted ME to initiate sex all the time,well i'm sorry but at the place where we are in our relationship currently,I'd feel like I was topping(quite uncomfortable)..I'll always feel He ISmy Dom until He says He no longer is..period..
signs that Hint that a person may be Dom?? hmmm I would say a want to control another person,especially sexually,a desire to be a "leader ,respected,a guide,someone that likes to be admired,has a strong will,lots of patience....I have to say I love being controlled sexually as it is MY kink ,however I just as much love when Master is a bit aggressive because I NEED that also to keep me "in the mood"
more...
WillowPuss
serene in submission
- Joined
- May 25, 2002
- Posts
- 1,316
Re: Re: Part 2 Warning! the Polysyllabic Beast is Back with his Big Words!
Ohhhhh boy! Spectre ... great to see you posting like this again.
Now ... where did I put that **** dictionary?
(((hugs)))
SpectreT said:
Ohhhhh boy! Spectre ... great to see you posting like this again.
Now ... where did I put that **** dictionary?
(((hugs)))
WillowPuss
serene in submission
- Joined
- May 25, 2002
- Posts
- 1,316
Re: Part 3 - still with me?
Please miss ...
can I just copy cym's answer?
(I don't think I did part one and two justice as it is - so can't even begin to find the words to answer part three.)
MsWorthy said:
Please miss ...
can I just copy cym's answer?
(I don't think I did part one and two justice as it is - so can't even begin to find the words to answer part three.)
Re: Re: Part 2 Warning! the Polysyllabic Beast is Back with his Big Words!
Spectre T, I think intensity is an excellent term to describe one of your expectations of a dom/me.
The term sort of holds hands with *aggressor/initiator* rather than handcuffs itself to them and carries with it a richness of nuance while maintaining a clear meaning.
Willow, I think you did an excellent job (as did Dixi, Dream, Ruby, Bea, Sirs-K, Caroline, MagicMan, Chele, Zip, Dave (Sir), Quint, Rosco, Lance, and NemoAlia) in answering the questions. Thank you all. I am quite interested in everyone's opinion in this topic.
SpectreT said:
Spectre T, I think intensity is an excellent term to describe one of your expectations of a dom/me.
The term sort of holds hands with *aggressor/initiator* rather than handcuffs itself to them and carries with it a richness of nuance while maintaining a clear meaning.
Willow, I think you did an excellent job (as did Dixi, Dream, Ruby, Bea, Sirs-K, Caroline, MagicMan, Chele, Zip, Dave (Sir), Quint, Rosco, Lance, and NemoAlia) in answering the questions. Thank you all.
I am quite interested in everyone's opinion in this topic.
SpectreT
Knight in Tarnished Armor
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2001
- Posts
- 1,905
Re: Part 3 - still with me?
We all have our quirks and foibles, our "buttons" that can be pushed. None of us are paragons. But the good ones work towards those qualities of character, to make themselves worthy of the gift of another's submission.
"Look inside yourself. Most of the time, when someone asks something about themselves, they already have the answer, they're not just looking in the right place, or they want validation from someone else. Where do you feel your rewards lie? There is only one place the answers you're trying to find, and that's within you. I have my own answers to that question, I know i switch, how do you feel? What really pushes your buttons about this ?"
In short, no. One who can be described as a "control freak" is one whose potentially dominant quality of "control" is "controlling" them, rather than the reverse. Many others have listed control as a key element of dominance. In my considered, and not terribly humble, opinion, this includes self-control, and the self-knowledge to recognize when the desire for control has become too powerful, encroaching into and damaging their daily life.MsWorthy said:
Again, no. No more than heterosexuality can be learned, or enjoying chocolate can be learned. It is a part of who a person is, or it is not. There is something to the "sliding scale" theory, where everyone falls somewhere from "totally dominant" to "totally submissive", with a bell curve statistical distribution along its length, but no, dominance can't be learned. The tools of dominance have to be learned, for the most part, the way we learn any other skills. Some of us may have more talent than others.
Sadly, no, they are not part of the personality of every dom(me). Realistically, we're all human, even dom(me)s.
We all have our quirks and foibles, our "buttons" that can be pushed. None of us are paragons. But the good ones work towards those qualities of character, to make themselves worthy of the gift of another's submission.What would I say to a newbie who was questioning their possible role?
"Look inside yourself. Most of the time, when someone asks something about themselves, they already have the answer, they're not just looking in the right place, or they want validation from someone else. Where do you feel your rewards lie? There is only one place the answers you're trying to find, and that's within you. I have my own answers to that question, I know i switch, how do you feel? What really pushes your buttons about this ?"
Finally!
This is one of the few discussion groups that actually "gets" it. While it may be true that being aggressive and arrogant can make one appear "dominant", it is a superficial dominance. As others have said, aggressiveness and arrogance are signs of weakness, not strength. IMHO, a true D/s relationship is merely two parts of a whole, it is the synergy of the roles that make the relationship complete. A dominant who feels the need to force his or her dominance on the submissive is missing out on the wonderful gift of their partner's submission.
This is one of the few discussion groups that actually "gets" it. While it may be true that being aggressive and arrogant can make one appear "dominant", it is a superficial dominance. As others have said, aggressiveness and arrogance are signs of weakness, not strength. IMHO, a true D/s relationship is merely two parts of a whole, it is the synergy of the roles that make the relationship complete. A dominant who feels the need to force his or her dominance on the submissive is missing out on the wonderful gift of their partner's submission.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
Re: Finally!
Your first post offers sophisticated insight into the magic that can lie between dominant and submissive. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Again, a warm welcome to this forum. Please take a moment, if you will, and look through the sticky atop the list of open threads for a short overview of our very few rules and a bit about our culture as a community.
cym
Welcome to Lit's BDSM Forum, Ricckk. As you've already surmised, i think, we're real-world focused around here with regard to our BDSM. Though there are lots of folks who are regular and important parts of our small community, and who are also working on growing as dominants or submissives from the inside of long distance relationships, for the most part we have a strongly skin-to-skin emphasis in our discussions.Ricckk said:
Your first post offers sophisticated insight into the magic that can lie between dominant and submissive. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Again, a warm welcome to this forum. Please take a moment, if you will, and look through the sticky atop the list of open threads for a short overview of our very few rules and a bit about our culture as a community.
cym
~Dream~
Loving My Soulmate Scott
- Joined
- May 21, 2002
- Posts
- 18,275
more Analyzing..
It isn't about communication skills, or using whips, floggers, and the like...those can be learned by anyone. (Can dominance be learned?)
*I really dont feel it can be 'learned.. I feel either You have it within you to be a "Dom' or a sub or you do not..I dont feel it is anything that can just be taught as it is an ever-learning experience even for those of us who ARE Dom's and subs..
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It isn't about strength of character, integrity, respect, tolerance, or good manners; these are desireable traits for anyone and many non-bdsmers have them. (Of course, these traits are desireable in a dom/me, but do we really believe that they are part of the make-up of every - or even most - dom/mes?) **sad to say no they are not the traits of most ..I have been fortunate to get a Dom who Does possess these qualities tho because to me ,as a sub,I would point blank REFUSE to serve anyman who Did not have these traits..
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So, what is it about a person that signals her/him that she/he may be dominant? How would you respond to a newbie who asked you this question: How do I know if I am/could be a dom/me? ** I think I would compare it to the feeling that You just KNOW when You are ready to become a "mother" or to have sex,it is "within you"..You of course need to educate yourself and just look deep inside and see if this is what You really want..yoiu are not in this world to live up to others expectations,be TRUE to YOURSELF first& foremost..
It isn't about communication skills, or using whips, floggers, and the like...those can be learned by anyone. (Can dominance be learned?)
*I really dont feel it can be 'learned.. I feel either You have it within you to be a "Dom' or a sub or you do not..I dont feel it is anything that can just be taught as it is an ever-learning experience even for those of us who ARE Dom's and subs..
_____________________
It isn't about strength of character, integrity, respect, tolerance, or good manners; these are desireable traits for anyone and many non-bdsmers have them. (Of course, these traits are desireable in a dom/me, but do we really believe that they are part of the make-up of every - or even most - dom/mes?) **sad to say no they are not the traits of most ..I have been fortunate to get a Dom who Does possess these qualities tho because to me ,as a sub,I would point blank REFUSE to serve anyman who Did not have these traits..
_________________________
So, what is it about a person that signals her/him that she/he may be dominant? How would you respond to a newbie who asked you this question: How do I know if I am/could be a dom/me? ** I think I would compare it to the feeling that You just KNOW when You are ready to become a "mother" or to have sex,it is "within you"..You of course need to educate yourself and just look deep inside and see if this is what You really want..yoiu are not in this world to live up to others expectations,be TRUE to YOURSELF first& foremost..
