Double Blind Challenge

[Magnetron]

I'm trying your suggestions on for size - so far, so good. Thanks muchly!

Woohoo! Happy poets all around.

 

[HarryHill]

GM mentioned he was open to a retitling of his poem as well.

I'm voting for a change to I Thought I Had A Woodie, But It's Knot

..
Ah ahahaha, now I want to do one

 

[legerdemer]

Totemic

Once muscular, the stark
naked gray-bark elm
is like a balding stick figure man,
and yet its trunk still points
headstrong, so to speak.

I want to say it's an obelisk
as if what remains is a calcified
monument to remember
a once leafy green sapling
whose limbs leaned towards the sun.

I wonder how many gnarly
rings I would count inside
as the dawn's resplendent mist
glistens and drips down the stump
from last night's enduring tryst
with a swarthy pungent sky.

I like it much more now. The allegory was always clear to me, but the last stanza is near-perfect pitch: I love the internal rhymes, I very much like the way it brings it all together, and I miss nothing of what you've left out.

 

[legerdemer]

summer storm

soft moans like distant thunder
entreat me
she demands more
as I slide my whispering
over skin raised to life

swells raised rival an ocean squall
forked lightning rends the air
I feel the rain
eyes closed
breath held

I dive in to taste
fresh water salted in life
lap from the valley's stream
savour it

I have never felt such heat
as that which beats
turbulent waves against the shore
each flash of light
and touch of liquid
drives me toward the edge

I want to kneel naked in the sand
where the ocean meets the land
let the rain wash away
the last of the day
cleanse me

take me into your depths
hold me there

suspended in sensation
and take it all

-----------------------------------------------

... the poem is about sex and that is the climax.

And what a sexy read it is, too! I like this tighter (pun intended) version even better!

 

[legerdemer]

The Curator

See how our combustion blooms!
A fragrant flame too hot to touch
For more than just these fleeting months
Of lush and fruitful spring.
The way it overawes my eyes
With scorching hues that soon must fade
As blossoms do --
O let me pluck it,
Singe my fingers,
Press it 'twixt the pages of a book,
Preserve it there, ethereal and faint.

I'll put those glowing petals thus to bed
Between the paper sheets,
Until a germinating spark
Suffuses them with brightness
And propagates the flame,
So anyone who reads
Will quicken with the sweet
Perennial candescence of our love.

It's more clearly wistful, and a hotter-burning flame - just lovely.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Last Words

Terrific job, everyone. I hope you all learnt as much as I feel I did. GM, thanks again, I hope we can do this again sometime.

Magnetron – Red Roses – I am not familiar with the inspiration for your poem so the original was a puzzlement to me. I agree with todski that the revised version is much more engaging.

AH – Curator – tightened and expanded which adds to the impact, it becomes much more personal and, to me, erotic.

GM – Totemic – I liked the original, especially once I realized what it’s theme was, I returned to my critique and modified it taking out my objection to obelisk.

Piscator – Ahab – Tighter and less scattered. I find it much easier to follow and it does make me want to read the rest of the series – when and if.

Calli – Frayed Reflection – no revision but I couldn’t find much to niggle about anyway. You explained why you chose the title – fair enough.

todski – Summer Storm – I like what you did in revision, also that you stand by certain aspects of the original. I’m confused by line 1 of str. 2 but that might just be a language/cultural thing

mer - “The spigot stayed - sorry, GP - I definitely wanted that stark, mechanical image the word implies. Sometimes that's what I feel - like a spigot, turned on or off.” You are doing the right thing, sticking to what it means to you, and my suggestion was just that – suggestion. There’s a danger of a poem losing its direction with too many changes. Much prefer the new title. Said it before, saying it again – powerful stuff.

 

[legerdemer]

Red Roses

Roses mean
remember

Do you not remember Joyce?

We do

how she was peerless
deliriously precocious
possessing a penchant for playing house with human dolls

Obsessed stating it rather mildly

in making breakthroughs to the Other Side
cementing Parapsychology as a field concrete
no longer so easily dismissible as
"Pseudo Science!"
with an arrogant waving of those same tenured hands
responsible for bricking it up behind a Fifth Wall
using heaping trowels of their ignorance as mortar

Gone amok a more precise assessment

similar in manner to her fixation's focus
a certain toured Seattle manor rumored to have
more rooms now than ever before ...

... despite it being unoccupied for decades

Fearless
furiously ferocious
in tantrums tantamount to fanaticism devout

cowardly willing to sacrifice anyone
for irrefutable proof finally shutting up
the most deliberately obtuse skeptics
in what was to become to her misfortune
not too mention the others in our group
an ill conceived paranormal investigation
we were late to the party in figuring out

Structurally unsound
framed upon an insecure foundation
erected on cursed ground

even the most wrought iron clad logic
is subject to flaws

for beyond her smeared blood grasp
fingers curled tightly around knurled bars
fencing in her mentally gated community of one
all its vociferous residents bearing childhood scars
leveling Reardon's house of cards confidence building
on a daily basis with nightly wrecking balls of doubt

was the evidence already at hand!
compelling enough to champion her cause:

broken water pipes so cold
bursting with icicles in July

spinning wheels on parked bicycles

run of the mill stones granite
raining down from the sky
pulverizing a home across the street
from the Wheaton household
not just anywhere on the planet

words unspoken
thoughts told
left behind by you and I
psychically raptured from inanimate objects
trapped in doorknockers rapped
captured in cameras as if film exposed
unnaturally superimposed with special effects
spectral

manifestations
reflected in eyes of more open minded
children likewise occupying adult sized bodies
witnessing things that are there
but not there ...

... Not there!

Here?

In bad bad! houses
miniature or otherwise grand
haunted by their architects
gone insanely mad

only lies are to be had

and

the walls push back hard

If you really must insist upon
exploring these unsettled grounds
where the old Rimbauer mansion once stood
throwing our cautionary tale to the wind
then it is imperative to tread lightly
keeping this firmly in mind

remember
Rose is mean

-------
Some comments on the new version:

1) Obsessed stating it rather mildly >>> Obsessed is stating it rather mildly
(adding the verb makes is much clearer to me)

2) in tantrums tantamount to fanaticism devout >>> consider: In tantrums tantamount to fanatic devotion?

3) not too mention the others in our group >>> not to mention

4) for irrefutable proof finally shutting up >>> if these lines mean what I think they do, then there should be a comma in here: for irrefutable proof, finally shutting up; and another after misfortune

5) Structurally unsound
framed upon an insecure foundation
erected on cursed ground

to me, 'structurally unsound' and 'insecure foundation' are two ways of saying the same thing - needed?

6) knurled - had to look this up; new word for my vocabulary!! hurrah!

7) leveling Reardon's house of cards confidence building >>> leveling Reardon's house of cards, confidence building

8) words unspoken
thoughts told
left behind by you and I >>> is 'told' necessary? consider:

words unspoken, thoughts told
left behind by you and I


This is it for now - maybe I'll have a chance to continue soon/later....

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Thanks, GM, it was a rip-roaring success.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks, GM, it was a rip-roaring success.

My pleasure. I enjoyed the feedback posts as much as the poems. They gave me a few ideas.

 

[ishtat]

Can't stop long, another airport lounge, another flight.

Thanks GM, though I didn't contribute, I haven't felt so engaged with a thread for ages. Great to read other peoples insights and responses.

 

[Magnetron]

-------
Some comments on the new version:

1) Obsessed stating it rather mildly >>> Obsessed is stating it rather mildly
(adding the verb makes is much clearer to me)

The italics is merely my way of emphasizing those words and bypassing the need for a mid sentence comma. Prose-wise should actually be:

Obsessed, stating it rather mildly, -or- Obsessed, and that is stating it rather mildly,

Gone amok, a more precise assessment, -or-
Gone amok, being a more precise assessment,

I'm just not a big fan of punctuation.

2) in tantrums tantamount to fanaticism devout >>> consider: In tantrums tantamount to fanatic devotion?

I hesitate to do because of the use of out in the rhyming.

But, yeah ...... it's quite the clusterfuck of wordage.

3) not too mention the others in our group >>> not to mention

No matter how many times I am corrected, this is a boner I always make.

4) for irrefutable proof finally shutting up >>> if these lines mean what I think they do, then there should be a comma in here: for irrefutable proof, finally shutting up; and another after misfortune

I'm considering changing this to for irrefutable proof necessary to shut up. Or something like that.

5) Structurally unsound
framed upon an insecure foundation
erected on cursed ground

to me, 'structurally unsound' and 'insecure foundation' are two ways of saying the same thing - needed?

In this case, it is redundant - but in the flow of information, framed upon an insecure foundation and erected on cursed ground are attempts to explain in greater detail why the aforementioned logic is Structurally unsound - and - in the order that the unsound-ness would occur in terms of linear construction.

6) knurled - had to look this up; new word for my vocabulary!! hurrah!

Booyah!

7) leveling Reardon's house of cards confidence building >>> leveling Reardon's house of cards, confidence building

Here I am clumsily trying to pass house of cards off as an adjective or subset of confidence building.

8) words unspoken
thoughts told
left behind by you and I >>> is 'told' necessary? consider:

words unspoken, thoughts told
left behind by you and I


This is it for now - maybe I'll have a chance to continue soon/later....

Here, I'm essentially just screwing with the reader for the sake of using told in a another series of old rhyming. Same with unspoken, unbroken..

Neither statement is necessary because it can be whittled to one of these:

words left behind by you and I
thoughts left behind by you and I

And both say the same exact thing:

words unspoken
thoughts told

So which one is the redundant phrase that should be edited out?

Again I hate punctuation which is why I often resort to lines consisting of few words.

Nothing is written in stone at the moment. More feedback is required.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Can't stop long, another airport lounge, another flight.

Thanks GM, though I didn't contribute, I haven't felt so engaged with a thread for ages. Great to read other peoples insights and responses.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, ishtat, and you did contribute with your insightful comments.

 

[Lyricalli]

Here I am clumsily trying to pass house of cards off as an adjective or subset of confidence building.

Suggestion to reduce clumsiness:

leveling Reardon's house-of-cards confidence building

 

[Magnetron]

Suggestion to reduce clumsiness:

leveling Reardon's house-of-cards confidence building

I like it.

 

[Magnetron]

8) words unspoken
thoughts told
left behind by you and I >>> is 'told' necessary? consider:

words unspoken, thoughts told
left behind by you and I

Actually, now that I think about it

words spoken
thoughts told

is more in the spirit of the story, so that would do away with the redundancy.

Not wanting to be a spoiler sport, but there's is some telepathic communication going on in the story inspiring the phrase thoughts told.

 

[Angeline]

Thank you again, gm. This has been a great challenge for all participants. In my many years on the pobo we have never, until now, been able to run a successful workshop challenge/thread. Your approach is perfect for us imo: the double blind aspect makes all the difference. I think we should do this monthly. Someone different can shepherd it through each month.Maybe we could limit it to a certain number of poems per month, like ten, so it doesn't get overwhelming.

Poets, what do you think?

 

[legerdemer]

Thank you again, gm. This has been a great challenge for all participants. In my many years on the pobo we have never, until now, been able to run a successful workshop challenge/thread. Your approach is perfect for us imo: the double blind aspect makes all the difference. I think we should do this monthly. Someone different can shepherd it through each month.Maybe we could limit it to a certain number of poems per month, like ten, so it doesn't get overwhelming.

Poets, what do you think?

I was also going to suggest an encore - personally I thought it was both fun and very helpful, incredibly useful.

I think the format worked really well, and I don't get the feeling that anyone's feelings were unduly ruffled, quite the contrary. I'll sign up to shepherd one, and May or June would work well for me timing-wise.

 

[butters]

i wish i'd got to think through and post more comments, but thaks to gm's thread this challenge has offered what so many posters crave and don't receive nearly enough of feedback. life gets in the way too often, but when poems get discussed in the way we've seen here it builds that sense of community forums thrive on.

i've learned from reading the poems, thinking through my own responses, reading those of others that make me look again... thankyou, everyone, for taking part

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thank you again, gm. This has been a great challenge for all participants. In my many years on the pobo we have never, until now, been able to run a successful workshop challenge/thread. Your approach is perfect for us imo: the double blind aspect makes all the difference. I think we should do this monthly. Someone different can shepherd it through each month.Maybe we could limit it to a certain number of poems per month, like ten, so it doesn't get overwhelming.

Poets, what do you think?

At first I thought 8 contributing poets wasn't enough. As it turns out, I think it was the perfect size. One of the unintended consequences of a site like Lit is that the sheer volume tends to drive the interested reader towards more frequent cryptic responses.

I thoroughly enjoyed the level of detail in the responses. While there are certain elements of good poetry writing that are common (except perhaps with John Ashberry) poetry is a very subjective experience. Even if I disagreed with another's comment, it was always thought provoking, which is always a good take away.

 

[Lyricalli]

Thank you again, gm. This has been a great challenge for all participants. In my many years on the pobo we have never, until now, been able to run a successful workshop challenge/thread. Your approach is perfect for us imo: the double blind aspect makes all the difference. I think we should do this monthly. Someone different can shepherd it through each month.Maybe we could limit it to a certain number of poems per month, like ten, so it doesn't get overwhelming.

Poets, what do you think?

I think that's a good idea. I'd be a willing shepherd.

Following GM's model, with 48 hours between poems, eight poems is just over half a month, which allows for a good breather between each monthly challenge.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing and learnt a lot. Repeat sessions is a great idea. it isn't necessary to submit a poem - which is a bit daunting - to get some lessons in improvement just be seeing the changes suggested and seeing the final poem.

 

[Magnetron]

I might even be finished with Roses by May to participate.

 

[todski28]

I might even be finished with Roses by May to participate.

And if I enter again that will be two poems that arent blind

 

[Angeline]

This all sounds great. I think we all agree that this challenge helps whether you submit a poem or just comment.

I'm having big health issues again and will probably be in the hospital again (like maybe as of tonight), so we could plan to start the next one around 5/15--let it be a mid month challenge. Mer if May 15-31 is ok for you, you'll run that one. If not, an alternate can step up. And maybe 8 poems is better than 10, with preference for participation given to those who did not submit poems for the previous month's challenge (in this case the one we just finished). That's a week to submit and post as they come in and a week or more to comment. Does that sound reasonable?

If I don't answer tonight, you'll know I'm off for another happy hospital visit. If they admit me, I'll have wifi, yays. But we should have some time, overall, to work out the details for the challenge.

Sorry to not have been around much lately, but now you know why.

 

[greenmountaineer]

This all sounds great. I think we all agree that this challenge helps whether you submit a poem or just comment.

I'm having big health issues again and will probably be in the hospital again (like maybe as of tonight), so we could plan to start the next one around 5/15--let it be a mid month challenge. Mer if May 15-31 is ok for you, you'll run that one. If not, an alternate can step up. And maybe 8 poems is better than 10, with preference for participation given to those who did not submit poems for the previous month's challenge (in this case the one we just finished). That's a week to submit and post as they come in and a week or more to comment. Does that sound reasonable?

If I don't answer tonight, you'll know I'm off for another happy hospital visit. If they admit me, I'll have wifi, yays. But we should have some time, overall, to work out the details for the challenge.

Sorry to not have been around much lately, but now you know why.

Hope all goes well, Ang. Gee, when I was in the hospital, they blocked Lit. I live in the Bernie Sanders uberblue state of Vermont and you in the Billy Graham bible state where you can access a Satanic web-site. Go figure!