Dueling Samurai

[Du Lac]

Gina!!!

average gina said!

Puts my stiletto back into its sheath. Well! I'm a girl. I'm not so sure I can wield a samurai sword.

OMG girl... you can wield that sword... no excuses for being a girl..look at nature truth be told the female is the stronger of the genders! Just not the physical way most of the time... now I am not a woman be #1 type... I believe in equality of the sexes ... partnership... so pump some iron girl.. you stand on your own merit.. and it shines!!!! You too Nin! lol... I was impressed both with my challenger and the other challengers.. male or female! All swung that sword with great might over their heads! I heard the woosh.. as I tried to duck!

Hold your head up high.. writing a poem in a short time frame is hard as hell... and you did it.. that in it self shows a solid individual....

be well and happy
Du~

 

[average gina]

average gina said!

Puts my stiletto back into its sheath. Well! I'm a girl. I'm not so sure I can wield a samurai sword.

OMG girl... you can wield that sword... no excuses for being a girl..look at nature truth be told the female is the stronger of the genders! Just not the physical way most of the time... now I am not a woman be #1 type... I believe in equality of the sexes ... partnership... so pump some iron girl.. you stand on your own merit.. and it shines!!!! You too Nin! lol... I was impressed both with my challenger and the other challengers.. male or female! All swung that sword with great might over their heads! I heard the woosh.. as I tried to duck!

Hold your head up high.. writing a poem in a short time frame is hard as hell... and you did it.. that in it self shows a solid individual....

be well and happy
Du~

Yeah, Du Lac, I could probably cut someone in half with a samurai sword if pressed. When it comes to wielding one here... yeesh. My opponent thrashed me. I'm wounded, but now. Dare I say, I'm gonna be like Mike Tyson and demand a rematch! (Okay, not demand... maybe quietly request. Politely, quietly request. Under a sheet and behind a shoji screen... Uhmmm, just forget I said that.)

I'm not gonna confirm, but after seeing Trent's poem, some people will know who wrote what. On a high note, I am happy with what I did, even after thinking of certain words that may have worked better. When this is done, I'll put up the edited one.

I'm going to walk away from the computer now. When I get back I expect to see results or else I'm gonna go to my kitchen and get my butcher's knife to use on someone, dad gum it!

Doh and double dad gum it, even!

 

[My Erotic Tale]

"Dueling Samurai" Judges reviews Haiku

"Dueling Samurai"
Haiku >>>Judges Reviews

Judge #1

Haiku Samurai # 1

Grace

Crane Feather
touched the morning
gracious wave


A graceful moment is expressed here. Typically haiku is untitled and I think the artist might consider presenting the haiku without the title here. By using Grace as the title, it appears as if the artist is interpreting the event, rather than letting the reader see the grace presented in the haiku. I think if the artist considered using present tense instead of past (touch or touches as compared to touched) the moment would become even that much more vital. The “gracious wave” leaned a bit to metaphor, with the artist stepping a bit beyond just presenting the moment, but it did close the haiku nicely. The haiku has a subtle turn between the second and third line, as the feather takes the form of the wave, a nice effect. All in all it is an excellent effort.


Haiku Samurai #2

Cranes call
Garoo-a-a-a
Tulips burn in mankinds bog
Sandhill nuptials


The original posting of this haiku did not put a space between “Cranes call” and “Garoo-a-a-a” so I immediately grinned and thought, “Oh my, a four lined haiku.” Most English language haiku are presented in three lines, but, like the Japanese haiku, which are often presented in one line, English language haiku can vary to more or less than three lines. (It appears that the line arrangement may have been due to a cut and paste error.) Either way, I liked the call of the crane in this haiku, the added sound made the moment that much more sensual. I liked the present tense, it made the moment come alive. The third line of the haiku: “Tulips burn in mankinds bog” confused me a bit, enough to where I wondered if the artist might consider omitting the line altogether. Like the “gracious wave” of the previous haiku, “sandhill nuptials” was a bit too much metaphor, yet it did close the haiku nicely. Without the third line, there is a nice turn, from the call of the crane and their odd sandhill dance they do.



Both of the above haiku were excellent efforts that I think with a bit of tweaking can become superior haiku. In both haiku, the kukai was clearly presented and both did have a cut in the poem. Of the two haiku in their present form, I think the haiku written by Samurai # 1 was a slightly better effort. I would be interested to see what modifications the artists might consider now that they are given a bit more time to consider the haiku.


__________________
Judge #2
Haiku Samurai # 1

Grace

Crane Feather
touched the morning
gracious wave

Nice image of a feather touching morning. I'd like this better if "Crane feather" was more subtle. Perhaps, one of those words, crane or feather, could be replaced with something to give the reader more of an impression of the feather rather than coming out and telling the reader. Actually, "Crane Feather" would be a good title and "Grace" would be a great first line, maybe with an adjective. Though, gracious in the last line would have to be changed.


Haiku Samurai #2

Cranes call

Garoo-a-a-a
Tulips burn in mankinds bog
Sandhill nuptials

I love this one. I usually don't like animal calls in a poem, but this one works wonderfully. Interesting ending. Even though the second line is only 7 syllables, it seems longer. I'd like to see it trimmed slightly. mankind(')s

Haiku Samurai #2


_____________________________________
Judge #3

The haiku were both interesting and thought provoking. I always like it when I have to think to really get a handle on what image and/or emotion is being shown in such short work.

"Grace" doesn't match the standard size we're all brought up on, but it's imagery strikes me as more accessible.

"Cranes call" is vivid...from the opening bugling to the thought of a bog ablaze with tulips, but the ending loses me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Art's note:


I wish to thank the judges and the poets,
this was a lot of fun. I thought all the poems
were great and the reviews were wonderful.
think about how the reviews are way longer
than the poems. So a lot off thought went into
each poem which is a wonderful
thing to give them this much attention (*_*)

I picked Haiku Samurai #2
for the feel, grace was touching but crane
call seem to put you in the poem
like the begining of wild kingdom <grin>
of course all four poems were
magnificent. In many ways,

I enjoyed Freestyle Samurai #1
armful of tulips did it for me, simplicity
and latter to find each line
was three lines staying with a haiku
structure in a sense, very witty,
Trent has a style thats wonderful,
expressions of emotions and situations
a great write. I can honestly say all
the poems were winners in my book!

thanks
Trent_Dutch
Average Gina
Du Lac
Ninja Nookie

Judges

Jim
Wicked Eve
Remec

the freestyle review to follow...

 

[My Erotic Tale]

"Dueling Samurai"

freestyle review....

Judges reviews of the Freestyle
"Dueling Samurai" poems!

Judge #1

Freestyle Samurai #1
Pressed a cup
of priceless joy
from my heart

Spritzed some joy
on an armful
of tulips

White became
alabaster
red to fire

Before you
a sacrifice

please

please

please



The more I read this poem, the more it diverged from my initial impression of it. The armful of tulips seemed like a pastoral image, but somehow the blossoms were tainted turning to red and then to fire. I began to feel the original innocence and joy of the first two lines, change to a darker desire as the purity is sacrificed for passion and the poet is left pleading. I found it interesting that, like the second haiku, the tulips are burned here. The poem was concise, but the repetition of joy just two lines apart distracted me a bit and the progression through the images seemed a bit too abrupt (the armful of tulips so quickly leading to sacrifice).


Freestyle Samurai #2
Nothing to do with Spring…

It was my brother, who informed me,
Of the tulips resemblance,
To the intimate parts of a woman.

He took pride in telling me,
Of the Tulips phallicality,
As you prize apart the leaves,
And marvel at the treasure inside.

He spent an hour on the subject,
(Verbosity was his defect),
With Cliché and rhetoric,
Of the sweet nectar variety.

Content in his conceit,
Oblivious to my contempt,
His metaphor tainted the water clear,
Like the ink of Blake’s ‘Muses’.

Vicarious and Lurid,
He would tell me all he did,
Never having learned that,
A gentleman don’t kiss and tell.

(But that comes from a poet,
Who’s inked intimate memories and knows it.
But I think art should be allowed,
Double standards not accepted in life)

My brother shattered delusions,
Dreams I would rather have kept.
I should have stayed ignorant,
Systematically naive and innocent.
Maybe then I wouldn’t laugh at everything



There is an interesting poem and message here, the loss of innocence in the gentle folds of the tulip’s petals. The matter of fact, almost prose like presentation here worked nicely, but did suffer due to the time constraints. The phrasing could use some prodigious trimming, but that, obviously, was not possible in the limited time. My spell checker is still smoking from the wonderful word: “phallicality” and I like some of the playful passages throughout the poem, especially “Content in his conceit,/
Oblivious to my contempt.” It is at this point I am torn because I see the makings of a truly wonderful poem here, but in its present draft, it’s just not completely gelled.



Now comes the hard part, choosing a winner… perhaps not the best way to look at these two poems, because in choosing a winner, there is an immediate assumption that then there is also a loser, which is incorrect. Both poems need more work, which is expected because the poets had to rush this out in under 30 minutes. While I will select one of the poems now, the real determination needs to be deferred until the poets have the time to refine their effort and craft these wonderful drafts into their final form. With that said, and yes, as you can clearly sense, I am stalling… I presently lean, only slightly because this was a tough choice for me, toward Freestyle Samurai # 2.


Judge #2

Freestyle Samurai #1
The third strophe is the strongest in this piece, and I love the word alabaster. It's such a poetry word. At first, I didn't care for the repetion of please, but now I see that it works. "Pressed a cup of priceless joy" doesn't sound quite right to my ear. I would also reconsider using "joy" twice. "Spritzed some joy" is original, but I'm not sure if spritzing joy works.



Freestyle Samurai #2
Impressive write for 30 minutes. Shouldn't it be pry apart instead of prize apart? A gentleman [don’t] (doesn't) kiss and tell. With some revisions, this has potential to be a very good poem.

Hard to choose between these two, but... Freestyle Samurai #2



Judge #3

I would say I favor "Armful of Tulips" over "Nothing to do with Spring", if I had to choose. The latter poem is well done, but could withstand editing (only to be expected from the short notice involved in the nature of the challenge)...whereas the other grabs me and pulls me right in and along on its emotional journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I enjoyed Freestyle Samurai #1
armful of tulips did it for me, simplicity
and latter to find each line
was three lines staying with a haiku
structure in a sense, very witty,
Trent has a style thats wonderful,
expressions of emotions and situations
a great write. I can honestly say all
the poems were winners in my book!

thanks
Trent_Dutch
Average Gina
Du Lac
Ninja Nookie

Judges

Jim
Wicked Eve
Remec

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Freestyle Samurai #2
Nothing to do with Spring…
by Trent_Dutch

It was my brother, who informed me,
Of the tulips resemblance,
To the intimate parts of a woman.

He took pride in telling me,
Of the Tulips phallicality,
As you prize apart the leaves,
And marvel at the treasure inside.

He spent an hour on the subject,
(Verbosity was his defect),
With Cliché and rhetoric,
Of the sweet nectar variety.

Content in his conceit,
Oblivious to my contempt,
His metaphor tainted the water clear,
Like the ink of Blake’s ‘Muses’.

Vicarious and Lurid,
He would tell me all he did,
Never having learned that,
A gentleman don’t kiss and tell.

(But that comes from a poet,
Who’s inked intimate memories and knows it.
But I think art should be allowed,
Double standards not accepted in life)

My brother shattered delusions,
Dreams I would rather have kept.
I should have stayed ignorant,
Systematically naive and innocent.
Maybe then I wouldn’t laugh at everything

Thanks Trent
perhaps again?


Freestyle Samurai #1
Pressed a cup
of priceless joy
from my heart

Spritzed some joy
on an armful
of tulips

White became
alabaster
red to fire

Before you
a sacrifice

please

please

please

by Average Gina

thanks gina and maybe we can do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


haiku poems


Haiku Samurai # 1

Grace
by Ninja Nookie

Crane Feather
touched the morning
gracious wave

Dueling Samurai #2

Cranes call
by Du Lac

Garoo-a-a-a
Tulips burn in mankinds bog
Sandhill nuptials

Thanks Nin ....Thanks Du
I thought all the poems were excellent,
given the time factor these were great....

thanks and I hope we can do this again
and special thanks to the judges for their time
knowledge and opinion.

That concludes round one <grin>

 

[Ninja Nookie]

Thank You Art

I might do another but I learned from this quick write experience. Thanks to Du Lac
also. And of course the very in-depth reviews by the judges. OMG I didn't expect a full - indepth type review I had assumed they would pick their favs. So a big heart thanks to all.

 

[average gina]

Thanks for the thorough critiques, guys. I've thought over what was said and I'm working on the poem. Trent, you are a formidable opponent, indeed. I'm so thrilled about doing this more often.

I"m no longer a virgin! Woohoo!

 

[Trent_Dutch]

Darn gosh... Thank you.....

Well, first of all, I have to say thank you to the reviewers. I never expected such a full accounting of the poems, so thank you for the full review, is most appreciated.

Now to my retorts... First of all I have to say, Phallicality is NOT a word (unless I can add it to common usage, like 'Wendy').... I was trying to find a none word, to reflect the non-statement of my brother (yes, he really did say it to me) about the phalicness of a tulip (the tulip in question was an image that was part of his medical bumph... he's a Doctor...).... he likened the image to a phallic image, I argued for hours that phallic refers to the male organs, or the undifferentiated flesh that becomes the male sex organs... and so has NOTHING to do with the female genitals... but he wouldn't have it (I still, occasionally, drink from the pint sized coffee mug with the picture of the tulip, advertising fem-seven conti/sequi... some smear test related feminine health product... it was a gift, and its the BIGGEST coffee cup you have ever seen). My use of phallicality was used to highlight the nonsensicality of the basis of the opening stanza... admittedly noone but me knows about this (this is a real problem with my current poetry... see the thread 'Poem I want opinion on....' started by myself, to see what I mean).

Also, I avoided pry apart, because I was using 'prize' as a substitute for 'treasure' in the next line... when I suddenly realised I could use prize apart/to see treasure, instead of prize apart to see the prize... I thought the [prize apart] line would ring again at the mention of treasure, to produce the repetition of the prize... prizing apart to find the prize/treasure.... pry came to me, but I rejected it in preference of 'prize' in order to enact the repetition.... it sounds a bit convoluted and crazy but it was obvious to me in the gin-soaked 25 minutes I spent writing the poem.

Also... I re-read the po-yem last night, and made some revisions to it , including the '(A) gentleman [don’t] (doesn't) kiss and tell' reverting to 'Gentlemen don't kiss and tell'. I mostly find when it comes to rereads, that less is most definitely better... like my brother, verbosity is a defect of mine......

Once again, thank you for your words... they where illuminating... helping to show me where I'm going wrong, and where I am doing it right.... to be honest, this has actually been more rewarding than submitting a poem. I've probably received more constrcutive comments for this piece than I have for ALL of my submitted works... so, once again...

I am considering waiting a fortnight/month or so... then coming back to the poem, looking at it again, making some major/minor revisions.... and getting a 'final' draft... so you may still see it again on the submissions.

 

[Du Lac]

Congrats and Thank you!

Congrats to the winners and thank you for the challenge of the write. After reading the comments on the Haiku I realize I am asking the reader to be boggled and to go a little bit further than the poem. I do this alot with Haiku. I want them to say what the hell does that last line mean and why is the second there? What does it all tie into regarding the first line... I need to know more... and then go and find out what the more is.... I am asking the reader to want to learn more. For me Haiku are statements.... and I usually do not title my Haiku but this time I felt the need...a lot of thought went into the meaning of every line.. why it is in the strict 5-7-5 format and why the long line, reason for the man/nature connection, the use of an animal call, the Sandhill crane was picked for a specfic reason, and finally why the boggling last line. This poem actually has two meanings....

Now I did screw up and said what the fuck lol.. when I the theme popped up finally on my board it was 9:17 so I had only 13 minutes and that made me a wee bit angry lol... looking at the theme I thought we had to include tulips and crane... and not just crane lol... Du Lac needs to slow down there lol... hence the tulips burning line.. but for me it helped... so I feel the need to explain the poem ...

The Garoo-a-a-a is the call of the Sandhill crane... as some noticed. I did not want to use Crane in the poem I wanted something a little more detailed.. crane are too vast... wanted the reader to hone into a smaller realm. The Sandhill is not on the endangered list. They are abundant like man. Sandhills are very terriotorial ... like mankind.... Sandhills mate for life.. (like mankind ...used to lol.. that is what the marriage vows mean... to death do us part... ) hmmmm now the meaning more clear on the third line and maybe a connection to the second?

One has to find out about Sandhills..
1. mate for life
2. the male and female look alike.. no real gender identity crisis
3. very terriotorial
4. migration
5. opportunist feeders.. (animals, plants, grain.. anything that will keep them alive)
6. great protectors of their young but when they return to the nest they kick them out (after migrating) to fend for themselves
7. The Garoo-a-a-a is a bellowing loud call used in mating ... the female calls with two notes and the male replies with 1. The unison call is very complex and the two call in synchrony.
8. not on the endangered listing
9. large birds

10. The courtship dance:
The dance consists of a series of bowing, jumping and stick-tossing movements. It is ritual, natural, graceful and beautiful. In a flock one bird may start and it continues until the entire flock is performing this odd natural dance of mating.

11. Nesting is in the wetlands and the bogs...usually two eggs are produced and the incubation peroid is SHARED by both genders.

Now you ask what the hell Du Lac why the lesson in Sandhills..

Well.. the Garoo-a-a-a is a prehistorical call. The call of the crane to awaken! I am asking you to look at the natural order of things. Nature is structured in many ways... the dance, the migration the outing of the young, where they live, the pairing for life, the coloring, etc... and still the Sandhill survives not on the endangered list... strict simple structure like the 5-7-5 of a Haiku. It is the call that is saying wake up mankind... who has stepped outside of the simplistic structure and bends the rules of both poetry and of the living on this earth. The call of the Crane (simply complex... is used to mate and to warn others...)

I wanted the reader to compare man to the Sandhill. Tulips are budding in spring. Just like love is in the spring of a relationship. I used a long line on purpose... For mankind we seem to be here forever.. but like the life of a tulip it is actually in the overall scheme of things just a short time. So while man sees only his time and feels like it is forever.... reality is it is a blink of an eye. Also while many believe that love is forever when it is new.... like a tulip this is just the start the burning beauty of new love... but the importance lies in that dying of the new love.. the decomposion that gives life to the bog. Cycling, life/death bringing new life ....

now bog:

n : wet spongy ground of decomposing vegetation; has poorer drainage than a swamp; soil is unfit for cultivation but can be cut and dried and used for fuel [syn: peat bog] v 1: cause to slow down or get stuck; "The vote would bog down the house" [syn: bog down] 2: get stuck while doing something

soil .. fuel...
Mankind when the tulip fades can just walk away so easily from commitment in both marriage/partnership/nupitals... and to taking care of this world. They do not partner up for life.... in both areas... love... or love of our earth. They feel they are bogged down stuck... and instead of letting nature take its course... and letting the cycle bring new life to the love.. evolution we walk away .... no weight in our nupitals... instead of loving the earth we abuse it... and then just walk away leaving only a bog that is no longer being recycled properly... and only the death...the home of the Sandhills is threatened...

Hence now you know the Sandhill nupitals... Mankind make a commitment.. to death do us part... to both love/partnership in ones relationship to your mate.... to our children, to our flock... to our earth.

I was hoping this poem would be a statement to the reader to go learn more and see what we are doing to ourselves as a species and to all species that inhabit our world. Personal and on a grander scale. That to me is what Haiku is about.
A thrusting out of the young to go learn on their own....

That the answer is simply complex like the mating call of the Sandhill.. in order to survive and thrive in our world we must get back to basics, let no gender difference be seen (like the sandhill) work in the incubation of new life as a team and to always be committed to our earth and love. Partnerships... in personal relationships and in the flock....AND TO ALL SPECIES.. PLANT, ANIMAL OR MINERAL...WE ARE ALL CONNECTED ON THIS EARTH....

Like the mating dance of the Sandhill this simple haiku was a bugle call to awake and one starts the process of mating starting new life... and soon the entire flock dances with the grace and beauty of the natural way of living......

So now you know what I meant in this simple poem... maybe way too much .... in 3 lines... and way to deep..... and too much expected of the readers... that they would have the hunger to learn more and why those lines trouble one ...to return to the Sandhill nupitals..........

du lac learns from the experience...
ty for the challenge..
Du Lac~

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Thank you all and hope to do it again...

I learned alot from this experience
from the points of view of the reviewers
the managing a challenge <grin>
some helpful HAIKU tips and Du's
enlightening wild kingdom research
very very cool.

Hope to see you all in the next duel!

 

[My Erotic Tale]

ever heard of bushku?

or bushdo

3
5
3

 

[My Erotic Tale]

shre shree shreea shreeat

"Mmmm, sharper?"

.......<scribblin'>......

 

[Du Lac]

lol..

I am going to try and write a couple of those bush thing-ie poems lol... see what happens.. any other rules I should know about???? I can't do the challenges if we have them on Wed. anymore babe.. I work lol.. that seems to be my life right now.. lol...
so lets see what I come up with..
Du~

 

[Remec]

patiently...
my blade close at hand,
awaiting...

 

[Du Lac]

patiently...
my blade close at hand,
awaiting...

very witty, clever and cute!!
Du~

 

[jthserra]

Bushku, along the lines of spamku...

A bit of research: Bushku


A tribute (of sorts) to the President it seems:

"It's BUSHKU, poppie!
Cyberpoetry as from the glib lips of the Global Village Idiot

Click "New Bushku" below to create a Bushku.
Bushku use a 3-5-3 syllable form,
'cause 5-7-5 is too darn complexicated, Laura." *

* - from everypoet.com



WMD
is it here, or there
anywhere?



Of course many English language haiku artist will work haiku based upon 3/5/3 English syllables in an effort to conform more closely to the Japanese originals. After working in a 3/5/3 format, writing haiku in 5/7/5 is like writing a novel... so many syllables!

jim : )

 

[My Erotic Tale]

patiently...
my blade close at hand,
awaiting...

fingers ...
gripping tighter ...
on ivory!

 

[Remec]

fingers ...
gripping tighter ...
on ivory!

beaded sweat
upon my forehead...
lip twitching

 

[My Erotic Tale]

beaded sweat
upon my forehead...
lip twitching

eye narrow
gritting my teeth
smile rise

 

[Remec]

eye narrow
gritting my teeth
smile rise

return smile,
yellowed teeth flashing,
eyebrow arched...

 

[My Erotic Tale]

short nod
is like bowing humble
only fast

 

[Remec]

short nod
is like bowing humble
only fast

eyes gleaming
blade flashing to hand...
nod too long.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

eyes gleaming
blade flashing to hand...
nod too long.

foot digs in
swings arm hand blade
quick strike

 

[Remec]

foot digs in
swings arm hand blade
quick strike

metal rings,
arm and blade both bend...
a good catch.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

metal rings,
arm and blade both bend...
a good catch.

clashing metal
again and again
then stillness