Erotica writer who wants to learn about BDSM by experience

[Stella_Omega]

...say a sub who is a successful women who is looking to give up control as a means to escape the stress and demands of her busy work life while in the bedroom; and a sub who is looking for an older man to teach her things.
...

*grin* or a sub who is not female, or a Dom who is not male.

However a common element in the D/s relationship or at least a healthy one is trust. The sub trusts the dom to take control and the dub trusts the dom to give it up. for whatever individual reasons their are in a D/s relationship that emotional bonding sense of trust is a key element.

This is a wise thing you have said here.

And since it's perfectly possible to love someone and not trust them, or vice-versa, this can be a plot point-- when will love, and trust, finally both make themselves felt in this partnership? The writer can get a lot of tension out of that question.

 

[Him15]

Lol they were examples not a listing

and exactly, love and trust arent always tied to one another.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Bramblethorn,
Your conception of fictional BDSM is the main reason I want to probe deeper into this world and break stereotypes like that.

In that case, more power to you

(Nothing at all against people who write sheer-fantasy BDSM and people who enjoy reading it, just that it's sometimes hard to find the stuff I want to read.)

It took me a second to puzzle out the “Fifty Shades” acronym, but it is certainly a theme in BDSM fiction to present the main characters as damaged. I admit I am guilty of it, but I don’t think I do it because that’s really what I think about BDSMers. Readers always want an answer to “why?” about everything and a rocky past is often a good answer. Also, people like to empathize with characters. Most of my protagonists are damaged and I write everything from Erotica to SciFi & Fantasy to Young Adult Romance so it’s not necessarily about the genre.

I think most people in the world and most of the interesting characters in fiction are damaged in one way or another. Where it gets in danger of becoming a cliché‎ is the idea that BDSM is always caused by that damage. Sometimes a person just happens to be damaged and just happens to be into BDSM. The two things are quite likely to interact at some point, but it doesn't mean that one caused the other.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly has done quite a bit of research on the mental health of BDSMers; from what I recall, the gist of her findings is that we're about as screwed-up as the rest of the population ;-) Unfortunately this message hasn't made it through to a lot of people (like friends, employers, mental health professionals...) so I am very cautious about disclosure IRL.

By the way, I read the first installment of “A Stringed Instrument” and I must say, I enjoyed the warning at the top and the closet scene was wonderfully steamy. I look forward to reading more sometime and hopefully continuing to converse with you.

Thank you! Hope you continue to enjoy it.

"OMG I have a cramp" can illustrate something incredibly erotic in a kink story-- especially the kind of story our friend Scarlett wants to write

Agreed. One of the fascinating things about BDSM is that contrast between cruelty/domination at one level and, simultaneously, affection and consideration at another level. (Or not, if the relationship is dysfunctional.) I've used that sort of device to set up a rapid shift from one mindset to the other.

Edit: also, comedy can be a useful ingredient even in a serious story. My narrator's insecurities are a big part of SI, and it's easy for that to turn into a whiny exercise in self-pity that nobody wants to read - or if they do they'll keep it at arm's length. I think alloying that with a trace of levity makes it easier for the reader to remember why they care about what happens to this person.

 

[Sexy_Scarlett]

Thanks

I was trying to reply to everyone's posts, but I just want to thank everyone for this wonderful discussion. You are all so well-spoken and knowledgeable. This has given me some insight and things to think about. I loved all the different opinions. Thanks again!

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

Hello SS, and welcome to the world of kink!
As you probably figured out, if a writer is thinking of writing a story about a subject or area that he/she has no experience in, then some research is certainly in order. You can always search though various erotic literature and BDSM websites for information and try to get a feel for the genre.

In my opinion, though, the best way to get a true sense of the scene is to make an attempt to take part in it, even as a novice.

A good way to get your feet wet would be to find out if there is a "munch" in your geographic area. A munch is a gathering of BDSM-minded people in a public space, usually a restaurant. The idea is to get people to meet in a safe, casual, no-pressure atmosphere, where they can get to know each other and talk about mutual interests. I've attended munches in NYC, and have always found interesting, supportive, knowledgeable people there.

There are also fetish organizations in most major metropolitan areas, which serve as safe places where you can meet people in the scene, and get an education in the subject matter.

After checking out the scene in public places, and you're intrigued enough to experience a BDSM scene firsthand, try going to a club that hosts parties. You can go with a friend or chaperone if it makes you feel more comfortable. But you obviously have to be very cautious, and make sure any potential partner you might meet agrees to the basic rules of safe, sane, and consensual play.

Hope this helps!

 

[jpin]

I don't know if it helps you, but as a reader I roll my eyes when a new sub has multiple orgasms from whatever the dom does. Also when a female sub restrains herself from orgasm - most women do NOT work on holding their orgasm - usually it's the opposite.

 

[Sexy_Scarlett]

Any input helps! Thanks.

 

[vgrey]

I think that it's really important to remember how incredibly diverse the "scene" actually is.
Not everyone has the same dynamic in their relationships or the same interests.

Personally, when writing about BDSM subjects I try to use the "real world" stuff (such as the cramps and ever present full bladders) as a device to illustrate control and power in relationships. Apart from that I try to keep my stories as far away from reality as possible.

 

[welkin]

It took me a second to puzzle out the “Fifty Shades” acronym, but it is certainly a theme in BDSM fiction to present the main characters as damaged. I admit I am guilty of it, but I don’t think I do it because that’s really what I think about BDSMers. Readers always want an answer to “why?” about everything and a rocky past is often a good answer. Also, people like to empathize with characters.

I've read good BDSM fiction that doesn't involve broken characters. And in fact, this makes me like the stories more because I can empathize better and I don't feel like I constantly need to defend BDSM ("No it's not like that! I'm not broken and I still like it!") as I am reading.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly has done quite a bit of research on the mental health of BDSMers; from what I recall, the gist of her findings is that we're about as screwed-up as the rest of the population ;-) Unfortunately this message hasn't made it through to a lot of people (like friends, employers, mental health professionals...) so I am very cautious about disclosure IRL.

Yup. There was a recent HuffingtonPost article titled BDSM Correlated With Better Mental Health, Says Study:

Andreas Wismeijer, a psychologist at Nyenrode Business University in the Netherlands and the lead author on the study, told LiveScience that people involved in the BDSM community may have scored better on these surveys because they tend to be more aware of and communicative about their sexual desires, or because they have done some "hard psychological work" to accept and live with sexual needs that are beyond the scope of what is often considered socially acceptable to discuss in the mainstream.

 

[welkin]

While I think it's good for an author to be familiar with the subject s/he is writing... you can't really understand BDSM unless you actively want it. That is, I don't think you can feel it just by doing it. I do some mild D/s with my boyfriend and I love it, but even so I still don't think I can understand those people who participate in more "hardcore" stuff such as sadomasochism and TPE.

And if you do feel like this is something you'd like, well, I say then you should try it out, whether you're looking for story material or not.

 

[lyzunchik]

BDSM relationships

I've been in a D/s relationship for some time and I can assure you when it's right, there is a mental connection.

Although there is a definite strong element of SM in our relationship, the psychological play is what drives it for the two of us.

PM if you'd like more details.

 

[Que]

In BDSM fiction, as in most any sort of erotica, the most important element is this;

The couple can read each other's minds in bed. Nobody can do that IRL!

Everything works right, the first time out... no one ever says "OMG untie me quick, I've got a cramp in my leg!"

hehe

Il always love your insighs, Stella, and the humor with which you deliver them.

~snip~

Don't bow down to realism when you have imagination.

I'm going to have that done in needle point and put it on my wall... or in the alternative I'm going to steal it and use it as a Facebook status update.

 

[DVS]

I don't know why any character has to be "damaged", just because it's easier to explain the why. That's a cop out. Why do I enjoy BDSM sex? I was born that way. I didn't suffer any kind of physical injury, rape or sexual abuse. I grew up in a small town and I experimented with bondage and spanking with some of the neighborhood girls around my age. I won't say the age, because we weren't of legal age.

But, I don't consider myself damaged in any way. I also don't consider someone who enjoys vanilla sex to be damaged, either. I do, however, think I'm enjoying a more fulfilling sex life because I engage in BDSM sexual activities.

I don't assume my stories are classic BDSM stories, or examples of how such a story should be written. But, I don't write my characters to be damaged. If anything, they only have little quarks that decorate their personalities and make them more interesting. This makes the story more interesting...colorful, instead of the basic man and woman meet, man ties woman up, man uses woman sexually in his super human way, and woman screams in massive orgasms. Not to forget that they live happily ever after.

We are all human, just like vanilla people are. We just like kinky sex. I'm sure there is a certain number of damaged people in our group, just as there are a certain number of damaged people in any group. But, books like "50 Shades..." is just plain stupid in how it tries to show a BDSM relationship. In my opinion, there are now millions of vanilla women who assume they understand the BDSM sexual world now. In reality, I think the books took us a step backwards in trying to relate to the vanilla world.

Now, I must also add that I enjoy a story that's over the top, sometimes. But, it still has to be believable. Unless the man's an alien, he needs to take a rest every so often. If the woman has multiple orgasms, she surely needs some water to replace the fluids she's lost. Oh, and those multiple orgasms? Make them real. If every time he touches her she starts to quiver and shake, then screaming at the top of her lungs, that's not larger than life. It's just too damn 50 shady. Oh, did I just coin a phrase?

Do a little more work in your characters. Leave out the damage. Give them personalities. Real life isn't boring unless you write it that way.

 

[njlauren]

With BD/SM fiction there is a lot of unreality to it, which is fine if you are into total fantasy, there is nothing wrong with that. In BD/SM fiction the dominant woman is this uber dominant personality type who 24/7 lords over her sub/slave, is constantly in full domme mode, etc...and talk to real life dominant women and ask them how that works when they work, have kids, etc, etc..likewise, in fiction subs are so well trained they always behave, they know what the dominant wants all the time, are perfectly submissive..

or in other stories the subs are these wimpy guys who are bullied by their bitch dommes.....or with a couple, their entire life is this D/s dynamic, I mean everything. There are people like that, but they are the outer cases, not the norm.

I guess the way I would look at most BD/SM fiction is that it represents something like the ideal gas law in physics, it represents a perfect world that we might love as an ideal, but in a life of kids and laundry and work and commuting and simply being human, doesn't always work so perfectly.


One suggestion of the OP, if you want to experience some of what it is like, you may want to try a professional dominant and see how it feels. It isn't the same thing as a 'real' relationship, but it gives a taste, and the very nature of it makes it safe, since you are the customer

 

[Sexy_Scarlett]

DVS,

This thread died a bit, but I still think there's lots to be said here and thanks for stopping by. I agree with everything you said and I think it was very well put. The ridiculously cliched novels and stories like 50 Shades, are the reasons I've been trying to do a little "research" here on Lit. (At least that was how it started. I'm not sure how a photo thread is research, but it's fun lol)

I've very much enjoyed talking to a wide range of people and getting more insight into this world. I think you're right that 50 Shades is a step back, not to mention poorly written. And by the way "50 Shady" is going to be my new replacement for "cliched" Don't worry, I'll give you credit if anyone else loves your phrase as much as I did.

I hope to rewrite "Never Alone" in the near future or completely scrap most of it. Thanks for posting!

 

[Sexy_Scarlett]

With BD/SM fiction there is a lot of unreality to it, which is fine if you are into total fantasy, there is nothing wrong with that. In BD/SM fiction the dominant woman is this uber dominant personality type who 24/7 lords over her sub/slave, is constantly in full domme mode, etc...and talk to real life dominant women and ask them how that works when they work, have kids, etc, etc..likewise, in fiction subs are so well trained they always behave, they know what the dominant wants all the time, are perfectly submissive..

or in other stories the subs are these wimpy guys who are bullied by their bitch dommes.....or with a couple, their entire life is this D/s dynamic, I mean everything. There are people like that, but they are the outer cases, not the norm.

I guess the way I would look at most BD/SM fiction is that it represents something like the ideal gas law in physics, it represents a perfect world that we might love as an ideal, but in a life of kids and laundry and work and commuting and simply being human, doesn't always work so perfectly.


One suggestion of the OP, if you want to experience some of what it is like, you may want to try a professional dominant and see how it feels. It isn't the same thing as a 'real' relationship, but it gives a taste, and the very nature of it makes it safe, since you are the customer

The fact that you just used the Ideal Gas Law as a metaphor for BDSM fiction is actually really awesome.

Anyway, I highly doubt I'll get the courage to try any of this in real life. I am learning some, though, in this internet fantasy world of online doms and fun kinky freaks

 

[KoPilot]

If you're a writer worth your salt, you'll know that there's a difference between a damaged character and a character who Is Going/Has Gone Through Some Shit. I like that kind of tension, instead of an endless slew of bleak flashbacks to "that period in my life" or "the day" to punctuate how dire the current situation is for the character.

I'm writing a very long story about two people who find... not love, but emotional closeness and compatibility as the main character's life is thrown off course due to an injurious accident. She loses her job and moves away from all her friends and relatives to do something crazy, discovers masochism (not submission) with this person, and uses it to help orient her life again. (Okay it's a lot more than that; it's actually more like a government UFO cover-up thriller, but the basis of the relationships is the bones of the thing. )

Anyways, my two cents is that I like stories where real shit is going down around them and they either suffer through it together or they don't.