Expectations

[TigerClaw]

I just love this. I noticed when my expectations are high that is when I will be most disappointed. I am being reminded of that most every day.

And yes people do not recongnize how others got or will get from point A to point B. Oh, damn, I hope I am not starting another math problem.

I keep my expectations very low and my hopes very high, in as many things as I possibly can. I've found this makes me a much happier person that others prefer to be around to the person who was perpetually in martyrdom and disappointment.

It's not to say I don't try to open the door to things happening, as cataline described. I just don't feel a need to have a choke-hold on what has to happen.

I really think getting into rope bondage has changed my outlook on a lot of things, D/s and other things as well. Destinations sometimes don't make sense to people around you. Things sometimes don't bend the way you want. Some days are shittier than other days for bending and holding still and keeping balance.

 

[TigerClaw]

I do believe you have to fight to get out of the paper bag you or someone else has put you in. Your not going to heal by being depressed, watching TV, eating munchies, etc. Although, you do tend to get sick and damn tired of it where you have to go out and do something, which will force you to heal somewhat.

The feeling of confidence and being surer when youve taken steps to fix yourself can be a natural high. (bet some of you havent heard that term in years. wow, where did that one come from) I think it also helps you feel better about yourself then if you just let the healing happen. You'll see accomplishments, decisions and it will challenge what you believe. Are you a sub, a Dom, just a kinky vanilla, a submissive person but not a sub. It challenges YOUR real likes and dislikes. If you work at it, it will help define who you are. Not mold you or break you into something else.

 

[wanton wonton]

Hello, I'm sort of new to this forum even though I've lurked on Lit for a while.

I have an online Ds relationship with a male submissive. Lately, we have both become busy with work commitments to the detriment of our relationship. The resulting lack of communication between us gives me intense frustration. I really NEED to dominate him. One form our bond takes is orgasm denial (for him). I am the only person who can give him permission to cum and we usually do this "together" through online chat or phone calls. I know he experiences heightened anxiety during long periods of separation from me, too, because his sexual frustration builds up progressively over time. However, it seems that I have higher expectations of our relationship because I feel more intensely denied the pleasure of hearing the details of his orgasm denial...

On another thread, RJ Masters suggested that my sub and I start a blog together and this idea hit home with me. Through online words, since sub and I cannot synchronize chat or call times, we can still share our thoughts and feelings. Now the challenge is to find time to walk through the blog process together and communicate my expectations of the exercise with him!

Yes, I think we have expectations in all relationships, even more intensely in BDSM. We also need to balance the expectations with small moments of thankfulness for the unexpected graces that come our way.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Yes, I think we have expectations in all relationships, even more intensely in BDSM. We also need to balance the expectations with small moments of thankfulness for the unexpected graces that come our way.

Congrats on finding a way instead of throwing in the towel. Best of luck to you and yours for long days and pleasant nights ahead.

 

[smoothbikini]

from my perspective, i believe submission is an act of personal strength from which i grow spiritually and mentally. i take total responsibility for submerging my ego by the offering of myself to the will and direction of another. i search for someone to use me to quench their darkest desires, while creating an atmosphere of safety around me. someone who relishes pushing my sensual and sexual boundaries, taking me to new levels and greater heights of sensation and experience. she constantly looks for new and creative ways to bring out the inner beast in me.

one girls thoughts,

kisses

 

[wanton wonton]

thanks

Congrats on finding a way instead of throwing in the towel. Best of luck to you and yours for long days and pleasant nights ahead.

Funny you mention throwing in the towel...I was ready to do just that. I turned to this forum first, though, to listen to other people's experiences. It helped me realize I'm not the only one struggling.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

The Fourth of July

Finding "my spot", teasing it relentlessly, and enjoying the resulting fireworks display.

 

[TigerClaw]

Re: The Fourth of July

Finding "my spot", teasing it relentlessly, and enjoying the resulting fireworks display.

The first time I felt it with my fingers and saw the reaction int the woman I was with was very exciting. If I felt it swollen I knew I had her as hot as could be.

 

[spankableBelle]

I expect...

...to continue to grow and to learn. I want to find the intense inspiration of One.

I expect that there will be times of great disappointment, great heartache, great desires to give up and walk away from, never experiencing that which draws me and enthralls me. I hope that those times are far and few between for I am easily influenced by the pain and seek out those dark corners for long periods.

I expect that happiness and fulfillment and peace and completeness and success and love is relative. The same words with different definitions for each different person that desires them. I want to define them by my own standards and meet another that has done the same, and hopefully each can compliment the other.

I don't expect to...find. But I certainly hope to...

Belle

 

[TigerClaw]

Re: I expect...

Had to quote something that is so good.

...to continue to grow and to learn. I want to find the intense inspiration of One.

I expect that there will be times of great disappointment, great heartache, great desires to give up and walk away from, never experiencing that which draws me and enthralls me. I hope that those times are far and few between for I am easily influenced by the pain and seek out those dark corners for long periods.

I expect that happiness and fulfillment and peace and completeness and success and love is relative. The same words with different definitions for each different person that desires them. I want to define them by my own standards and meet another that has done the same, and hopefully each can compliment the other.

I don't expect to...find. But I certainly hope to...

Belle

 

[spankableBelle]

Re: Re: I expect...

Had to quote something that is so good.

Thank you for thinking so...smiles

 

[RJMasters]

from my perspective, i believe submission is an act of personal strength from which i grow spiritually and mentally. i take total responsibility for submerging my ego by the offering of myself to the will and direction of another. i search for someone to use me to quench their darkest desires, while creating an atmosphere of safety around me. someone who relishes pushing my sensual and sexual boundaries, taking me to new levels and greater heights of sensation and experience. she constantly looks for new and creative ways to bring out the inner beast in me.

one girls thoughts,

kisses

I like this one girl's thoughts

 

[MissTaken]

At first, I didn't know what to expect. I did know that what I was reading, learning and talking about was exciting, provocative and enticing to me in an emotional sense. Beginning with submission, I soon learned to expect to be the center of someone's universe and to feel cherished and cared for, while finding the structure that I so desperately needed in my life and psyche. My own experiences didn't stand up to those expectations.

I also expected excitement and creative, thrilling sex. I expected to find mental planes (word?) that I had never experienced. I did find those and savor all of the memories the way that an adult thrills at the memories of high school. I was always learning about me....and still am.

Now, I expect to spend the rest of my life with my true love. I expect that D/s will continue to add a dynamic to that relationship that keeps it exciting, provides that structure that I have needed and provides for many ways of expressing our love.

For us, D/s is how we show our love. It does not define it. So, my expectations now, for scooter and I , have little to do with D/s, but more to do with partnership.

 

[TigerClaw]

Hi, Hon, How the hell are you? Missed you.

 

[PyroDemon]

One thing I have noticed, expectations change just like everything else.

When I first made this thread it was because my expectations were very small. I did not really believe that the finding of my desires and expectations in life would come thru. In ways I still don't. Sitting around and waiting for my destiny has never been my way. I make my own destiny and my expectations are that I always will. My expectations are based on what I am willing to accomplish, easier not to be disappointed. Of course, I am perfect and can do anything. Just ask me.

The expectations of others does lend me to believe we all want basically the same thing. Happiness of course, haven't seen one person say they want to be in misery.

I think that when we get in trouble is when we start expecting in others. It has always been my let down. Do I expect anything of people now? Hell yes!! I don't only expect it, I demand it. Do I expect everyone to like this attitude? Nope, and personally don't care if they do or not. If it makes me happy then that is what matters first. I'm selfesh, I know it, I can live with it.

 

[spankableBelle]

One thing I have noticed, expectations change just like everything else.

When I first made this thread it was because my expectations were very small. I did not really believe that the finding of my desires and expectations in life would come thru. In ways I still don't. Sitting around and waiting for my destiny has never been my way. I make my own destiny and my expectations are that I always will. My expectations are based on what I am willing to accomplish, easier not to be disappointed. Of course, I am perfect and can do anything. Just ask me.

The expectations of others does lend me to believe we all want basically the same thing. Happiness of course, haven't seen one person say they want to be in misery.

I think that when we get in trouble is when we start expecting in others. It has always been my let down. Do I expect anything of people now? Hell yes!! I don't only expect it, I demand it. Do I expect everyone to like this attitude? Nope, and personally don't care if they do or not. If it makes me happy then that is what matters first. I'm selfesh, I know it, I can live with it.

It is when we stop expecting of ourselves, stop striving, stop reaching, stop dreaming, and start expecting of others more that we get into trouble. We have to expect more of and from ourselves in regards to our own dreams, our own desires, our own strengths, our own needs, etc... We can certainly hope that others will have the same high expectations of themselves, but we can't expect them to for then our disappointments become vast and wide reaching...too much disappointment for some leads to lower expectations of themselves and sometimes none at all. And then we sometimes begin to lose faith in both others and ourselves.

I like the way you think and your strength, ToyDoc...smiles

Belle

 

[PyroDemon]

I go and make these posts about how expectations of others gets me in trouble and what do I go out and do? Just that. I am so much a believer in the " do as I say, and not as I do" rule. I damn sure seem to do it alot. I went and expected something of someone and of course was not so much let down, just confused is more the word. Life is so fun. Guess I am just going to stop trying to stop expecting and just have fun. Being perfect as I am I will eventually be expected of by someone and will of course ruin theirs. Hell, I may have already. I am sure we seldom realize when we do it to others, just when they do it to us.

 

[Esclava]

<snip>i understand cocooning, taking time to get your bearings, and overt sensitivity, but to adopt an "insulated at the bottom of the barrel" approach to life ain't living.

... and would rather die trying than sleepwalk my way through the rest of my life.

i'm sorry if this comes across as a flame, kitty, but i don't believe you, and i'll take the castigation from everyone here for getting in your face. <snip>

OK, AA - kitty is not the only one whose face you got into with these comments.

I, too, feel I've been sleepwalking through life after being horribly hurt in my 3 longest term relationships. So, YES, - while it may NOT be living - I feel the insulation at the bottom of the barrel is safe and comforting and easier than being slapped in the face repeatedly because those I desire do not desire me.

I know what I want; but what if, subconsciously, I have deliberately set myself up to fail by setting the standards for what I desire too high? But how high is too high and should I change what I want? Lower the standards of what I want in a relationship? I don't know if I can do that either.

I am not castigating you - some of what you say is very true and I cannot argue with it. But, I have NO expectations of others - not even that they will be civil or polite. That's why I can deal with whatever someone tells me about themselves. I live by the motto, "Tell me what you want me to know about you. I'll believe whatever you say until your actions give me reason not to." And perhaps that's what keeps others from wanting to get to know me.

I am never disappointed anymore. And if I am, it is my own fault for expecting something from someone that they did not agree to give.

Esclava

 

[AngelicAssassin]

So, YES, - while it may NOT be living - I feel the insulation at the bottom of the barrel is safe and comforting and easier than being slapped in the face repeatedly because those I desire do not desire me.

Click me.

i'm not here to blow sunshine up your tailpipe m'lady.

Try thinking of it this way.

• You can hang on the tree of woe and eventually get eaten alive,
• or rip the throat out of the buzzards and pull yourself off the tree as painful as that may be.

That and find Jill Scott's I Keep/Still Here

 

[TigerClaw]

I am sorry for your pain.

Dispite the lies and insults I gave my everything in the last relationship and was true. In the end I was betrayed and slandered. I had to work hard at cleaning the anger and pain from my system. I worked damn hard to get the suspicion and distrust out of my system. If I hadnt she would have won by killing who I am in general.

Society is built on agreements, expectations, generalities, etc. You get a job you are expected to do a good days work for the pay you are getting. You may be told of the responsibilities but everything is not spelled out. You expect a paycheck and certain benefits. Experience tells you to shop around because benefits can be very different.

The word relationship implies certain responsibilities. There are different kind of relationships. Friendship, siblings, parent and child, boyfriend girlfriend, husband and wife. They all have some things in common but each also have their own set of "expectations".

Expecting is not wrong. But communication and honesty is the key in defining any relationship. There are many people out there that dont have the same values as you. Only time will tell if their words are true. Actions DO speak louder then words. But you need both to see the person.

If you are holding back or hiding because of past pain, they won. Life is full of pitfalls. The only thing you can do is be a little more cautious. Learn from what you over looked, mistakes and set backs. If you can figure out how you got hurt you can avoid it in the future.

OK,
I am never disappointed anymore. And if I am, it is my own fault for expecting something from someone that they did not agree to give.

Esclava

 

[Esclava]

Click me.

i'm not here to blow sunshine up your tailpipe m'lady.

I know this, m'lord - if you were blowing anything up my tailpipe - it would definitely be something else! (brimstone comes to mind...)

Try thinking of it this way.

• You can hang on the tree of woe and eventually get eaten alive,
• or rip the throat out of the buzzards and pull yourself off the tree as painful as that may be.

That and find Jill Scott's I Keep/Still Here

There are days when I do more than rip the throat from the buzzards circling for an easy meal. But I still have days when the only thing that keeps them at bay is the fire in my eyes that screams, "I WANT TO LIVE!"

I will search for the Jill Scott album. Ty.

Esclava

 

[Kajira Callista]

I know this, m'lord - if you were blowing anything up my tailpipe - it would definitely be something else! (brimstone comes to mind...)



There are days when I do more than rip the throat from the buzzards circling for an easy meal. But I still have days when the only thing that keeps them at bay is the fire in my eyes that screams, "I WANT TO LIVE!"

I will search for the Jill Scott album. Ty.

Esclava

i have had too many of those days in my life. i can come help fight the buzzards for you, so can alot of other ppl who understand that feeling.

 

[TigerClaw]

I have to admit, that take away all the leather and lace and that is basically what we all expect, isn't it? But I will add one point to it. To love back. I am happy, I am loved, but to be the happiest, to feel loved completely and to feel I am in my rightful place. I need to be able to love with all my being. Now that is my biggest expectation, not only online, but of life in general.

1. I was going to start another thread but it is related to this one. I just did not want to have an Expectations II.

This post hits it on the head. Everyone wants to feel something coming back to them. If I tell a woman everything I want, when and how I want it, how do I know I am Loved. I know she is submissive or just does as she is told. Any woman can moan and groan, mew and Aaaaahh hold and touch, but that doesnt mean she really cares that it is you causing her to feel that way.

So my expectations would be for her to do things of her own choice for me when I dont expect it.

When a relationship is building isnt that also what shows that the other has an interest in you.

2. Another aspect would be to include you in on things. If they are doing something or want to do something they would ask you to join them if they truely had an interest in you.

3. They would ask you your opinion on things as well.

 

[Esclava]

1. I was going to start another thread but it is related to this one. I just did not want to have an Expectations II.

This post hits it on the head. Everyone wants to feel something coming back to them. If I tell a woman everything I want, when and how I want it, how do I know I am Loved. I know she is submissive or just does as she is told. Any woman can moan and groan, mew and Aaaaahh hold and touch, but that doesnt mean she really cares that it is you causing her to feel that way.

So my expectations would be for her to do things of her own choice for me when I dont expect it.

When a relationship is building isnt that also what shows that the other has an interest in you.

2. Another aspect would be to include you in on things. If they are doing something or want to do something they would ask you to join them if they truely had an interest in you.

3. They would ask you your opinion on things as well.

I must say I agree with many of those expectations, TigerClaw. Perhaps, the feeling that I have no expectations of others stems from the fact that I have no one to have expectations of. (OK, I expect my cat not to pee in my bed when she's pissed off with me...)

Yes, I have children and in raising them, I expected them to become decent, law-abiding (relatively - no vehicle I have ever owned knew what the speed limit was unless it was in bumper-to-bumper traffic) members of society - which they are. My expectations have been met. Anything else they do with their life is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY now.

But having a partner in life is different. IMO, to grow requires a direction and if you have no expectations, you have no direction. Unfortunately, my expectations of myself have always been higher because the bar has always been set higher for me. I don't know if I can change that now.

So, I try not to have expectations of others. How they present themselves to me is how I accept them - unless they say or do something that changes that perception. My endeavor is to wait, patiently , for one who can get my attention and ratchet my expectations up to the next level.

Esclava

 

[TigerClaw]

My expectations lately have been in myself. To get back to me. Reexploring my interests, hobbies and schooling. Learning to be friends. Only recently have I opened the door to a relationship again. Learning to trust again. God Bless my friends for that.

So, presently my expectations are all on myself.

So, I try not to have expectations of others. How they present themselves to me is how I accept them - unless they say or do something that changes that perception. My endeavor is to wait, patiently , for one who can get my attention and ratchet my expectations up to the next level.

Esclava