LexiSmiles92
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That sounds very much like ... me,
Extramarital Affairs in Women.
- Thread starter Tommelon
- Start date
As to your first point, I feel the same. If I came home unexpectedly, saw the UPS truck out front, walked into our bedroom and saw my wife fucking the guy, I'd laugh, say something like, "don't mind me, please carry on!" then high-five both of them when they came downstairs. I'd be so happy my wife did something so scandalous that brought her joy. Why wouldn't I mind? Because I'm pretty goddamn certain my wife isn't leaving me for the UPS guy.
But if I went to a nice steakhouse downtown with college buddies and saw my wife - who said she was going out with girlfriends - sitting with a guy, holding hands laughing, smiling, kissing... I'd be absolutely devastated.
The thought of catching my wife having a romantic affair has always bothered me and always will. But the idea of her fucking the UPS guy started seeming quite harmless to me, maybe even a fun notion, after about 25 years of marriage.
The point being (and regarding the second quote): The interest in non-monogamy may arrive much later in a relationship. Personally, I had no idea when I married my wife I would one day be OK with her having NSA sex with a stranger, or that I'd be interested in it myself. I guess it's because as time passes, a couple becomes more confident in the permanence of their union. After 30 years of being together, I know my wife isn't leaving me for the UPS guy just because he made her cum harder - which probably happened only because he wasn't ME, he was someone new, a stranger. To me, her fucking the UPS guy, or any other NSA sex, poses no threat to our marriage - so why should I disallow it or resent her for wanting it? I love her and want her to wring all the joy she can from life. We're only here a very short while.
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SlutAddicted
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The first time my wife fucked another guy she was cheating on me. It was a betrayal and I was hurt. But there was context in terms of our relationship and I could see that it was just a moment of weakness/temptation. She dealt with it in a straight forward manner and we ultimately ended up trying an open marriage before landing on our current hotwife/cuckold lifestyle.
That wasn't the first time someone cheated on me. Maybe it is something about me. However, I have also always been attracted to highly sexual women and I think those women were just not cut-out for monogamy. And those relationships happened before it was considered acceptable to be non-monogamous. I remember the first girl I dated who was explicit that she would not be monogamous. It was a bit of a relief. But I also wasn't yet open to understanding what that indicated about me.
That wasn't the first time someone cheated on me. Maybe it is something about me. However, I have also always been attracted to highly sexual women and I think those women were just not cut-out for monogamy. And those relationships happened before it was considered acceptable to be non-monogamous. I remember the first girl I dated who was explicit that she would not be monogamous. It was a bit of a relief. But I also wasn't yet open to understanding what that indicated about me.
policywank
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Interesting perspective. As I have noted before I don't know if there is a good excuse for cheating. But in a world where people generally disapprove of non-monogamy, especially among women, I think it is fair to say that those of us who don't want to be monogamous are at a distinct disadvantage.
When I was growing up it wasn't just a matter of being clear on where you stand. A woman who chose to be non-monogamous and sexually adventurous was met with very harsh judgment. Being deemed a promiscuous slut - even if open and honest about it - was arguably no better than being a cheater. And in some ways an unhappy wife who keeps her affair(s) discrete might be more accepted than a slut. So all roads seemingly led towards being compelled to resists one's sexual temptation. And when we consider how some people may have a much higher sex drive and greater sexual opportunity it seems a bit unfair to be as harshly critical as we can be sometimes.
I am an old man and over the years there is one thing I have learned. Most people are living life doing the best they can.
LexiSmiles92
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Wasn't sure which "like" to put there ... so went with the general "thumbs up". But I feel some kinship with your stuff .
I had a brief affair ... hate that I did. But I did. And it led to some "honest talk" which led to some "vulnerable
Not excusing bad, "shouldn't have acted too rashly" behavior ... good came of it. (None of that meant as a recommendation)
(Oh, and I use too many quotation marks, parenthesis, blahs ... I write like I talk). Yeah ... I use air quotes too lol
policywank
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Well at least it hopefully the end point is an improvement in your situation, even if the path is somewhat painful.
LexiSmiles92
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I'm sorry. Truly. I will close my eyes real tight and hope for all the good that may come!!
We were a part of the swinging lifestyle for around thirty years some people would consider that cheating however we both agreed to it, both enjoyed it and never did anything behind each others back and we are still together after 57 years which is more than can be said for a lot of couples who are monogamous.
newhere2learn
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I've been dating for over 20years, been married, and had flings. In that time, I've had two long term GF cheat on me. My wife was serially cheating. And my current GF cheated on her fiancé with me, unbeknownst to me.
In all honesty I have two theories;
Theory #1
Monogamy is dead, the idea that we (humans) settle for one person for life, with how the world moves at pace nowadays... Is defunct. Whether at work, socially, travel, sexually, empowerment?
Humans now want it all. The world is a smartphone and credit card away. Is anything off limits nowadays?
As the world shrinks, travel and the internet/global connectivity saw to that - is anything aside from the hard rules, really taboo?
As such monogamy fails to fit.
Theory #2
Disclaimer: this one is based on UK only, so geographic variations may apply.
In the UK, for the last ten to twenty years women have been told by media, each other etc they can have it all. They can have:
* Job
* Kids
* Equal pay
* Two foreign holidays a year
* Relatively new decent apex luxury car
Doesn't matter if they've the financial earnings for it, because you deserve it babes.
What you see more and more of nowadays is women "outgrowing" their male partner. Or their male partner, fails to be useful anymore. Whether that's he fails to carry on earning more, or isn't as good with kids as once was. Or whatever.
Add in social media, jealousy and temptation and suddenly they've an inbox full of men telling them;
"You're beautiful"
"You deserve better"
"I'd not treat you like that"
"I'd take you all over the world"
This isn't women's fault solely, not men's. It's society and temptation. And in some respects refers back to my first theory above.
(See above)
Add in cheating/affairs becoming almost normalised, and it's now almost become a case of "whoops, we'll try again".
Or, there's what are know around here as serial shaggers. These are the women who every 3-5years meet a new man, and have him ready to move in as the prior one is packing his bags and leaving.
The final thing in the UK, is that family law (child access, divorce courts, financials) HUGELY BENEFIT the woman.
The courts are so inversely biased against men, that the woman can pretty much have an affair, empty the bank account, sit in the family home..refuse to leave. Move her new man in. And then leave her ex paying 50% while in his friends spare room.
Again, this is things I've experienced myself and in work/socially around me.
With there being little consequences for the woman, what's stopping them?
My ex wife for instance has averaged one to two men a year since I threw her out, and had another child.
She's now financially catered for between her various child fathers, work, benefits as "single mum".
I realise none of the above is citationed or kink based, but it gives anecdotal feedback.
Thanks Lexi, I appreciate it
Since we were swingers for a long period of time prior to her cheating, it made it a bit easier for me to accept and move forward. It took me a long time to trust her and she more than accomodating. Seh was upfront and open everytime she left the house. I also have full access to her phone anytime. All of this helped rebuild a level of trust so we could continue
I would like her to talk about details of her affair more but she is very reluctant. She wants to forget about it because she is embarrassed and doesn’t want to hurt me any further. I’d like to hear a lot more so I can better understand the whole thing and see if there is something I need to be doing. Maybe there is some positive we can get out of it since I feel like she was living a double life for a time that I don’t know much about
This is one of the sexiest pictures I’ve seen in a while! It’s just a tease really, but a long, tan beautiful leg, incredibly sexy hip hinting at a gorgeous ass. A classically beautiful face. The embodiment of sensuality.
Noticing she stirs in her sleep, I might clear my throat and get two glasses of water...
MrsIndianPeach
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Absolutely.
This is how it is for the 99% of us (The non-super wealthy) in the "Western world". Matriarchy. Only a small percentage of men are truly desired. The rest are workers, soldiers, and "acceptable". For the times a woman is without a man the State will take money from the tax flow or directly from the father before he ever sees it. She and the kids will be okay.
The top shelf of desirable men will be okay, too.
That huge percentage of less desirable men have to go along with what the woman wants if they want her in their lives. It's cheaper and easier to accept the FLR. However, if you picked a good one, and you're awesome enough that she picks you, or just get lucky and she really cares about you and she's smart there is a good chance you'll be happier and more prosperous, anyway.
The men who don't adapt to the FLR and engage in the power struggle end up alone and sending her money.
The ones who resist the FLR or simply aren't desirable in many ways will never have a long-term relationship with a woman or breed. This is a quickly rising percentage of young men. Fat, little income, no home of their own, and not much hope.
That seems to sum up men's choices:
1. Be tall, handsome, have wealth, etc. The world is your oyster when it comes to women.
2. Devote yourself to a smart woman so she chooses you and accept her leadership / power (Be "acceptable")
3. Be alone
4. Partner with a man (Yes, I'm serious)
#2 is most relevant for this thread. If you do your best to please her she may never want an "affair". That's all you can do. If she decides to your choices become:
a. Break up and choose one 1-4 again.
b. Ignore it. (accept it)
c. Complain about it, but not break up. (You accept because you don't leave, but you're angry) This just makes drama, upsets everyone, you certainly won't get any sex for doing so, and now you've just made things worse for yourself.
d. Make the most of it. (She may really be turned on / thankful for your acceptance / give you more sex)
Hell, I can actually shorten this right up!
1. Be a "Chad"
2. Be a cuckold
3. Be alone
4. Be gay
policywank
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I do think that men get a a raw deal when it comes to divorce proceedings.
There was a time not so long ago when men held far too much power over women and attorneys used abusive tactics to shame and coerce women in divorce proceedings. Unfortunately, in their efforts to correct these factors laws and courts have swung too far in the opposite direction. Giving one partner the benefit of the doubt over the other by default is not just. And either partner being entitled to continue to live in the manner to which they have become accustomed after the divorce has no basis in logic in my view.
The needs of the children should be taken into account (including financially). And allowance for sacrifices made or opportunities foregone is only fair. But it is not fair to institute arbitrary formulas (i.e. 1/2 of everything) simply because we don't want to have difficult conversations about relative contributions.
I do agree with the notion of "no fault" in the sense that nothing is gained by trying to assess who is to blame for a divorce or who did what bad things (unless they are criminal or speak to fitness to raise the children). Perhaps that is because I see the marriage contract as a conditional contract. Either party has the right to exit the contract at their sole discretion so it doesn't really matter why they want to divorce.
So what would relationship dynamics look like if we had a fair system whereby divorce isn't a sentence to a life of destitution for women, but also isn't a one-sided affair where she gets the benefit of the doubt in terms of money and child custody? I think that dating dynamics generally would favour women. There is nothing unfair about that if artificial forces aren't in play to create that dynamic. We would all need to embrace the premise that infidelity on the part of women is no more or less "bad" than it is when a man does it. No, men are not somehow so much more inclined in that direction that they should get more latitude. And each of us are entitled to set our own terms for romantic and sexual relationship - nobody else is obliged to accept those terms, but nor do they have any right to try to compel us to change them.
Each of us has the latitude to offer a value proposition however we want. If money is part of that then so be it...as long as its value isn't magnified by denying the other party's access to opportunity.
It is an interesting thought experiment to see how that would play out. I think men would gain as long as they accept that when may gain more. It would be better than where we are now without returning to where we used to be
There was a time not so long ago when men held far too much power over women and attorneys used abusive tactics to shame and coerce women in divorce proceedings. Unfortunately, in their efforts to correct these factors laws and courts have swung too far in the opposite direction. Giving one partner the benefit of the doubt over the other by default is not just. And either partner being entitled to continue to live in the manner to which they have become accustomed after the divorce has no basis in logic in my view.
The needs of the children should be taken into account (including financially). And allowance for sacrifices made or opportunities foregone is only fair. But it is not fair to institute arbitrary formulas (i.e. 1/2 of everything) simply because we don't want to have difficult conversations about relative contributions.
I do agree with the notion of "no fault" in the sense that nothing is gained by trying to assess who is to blame for a divorce or who did what bad things (unless they are criminal or speak to fitness to raise the children). Perhaps that is because I see the marriage contract as a conditional contract. Either party has the right to exit the contract at their sole discretion so it doesn't really matter why they want to divorce.
So what would relationship dynamics look like if we had a fair system whereby divorce isn't a sentence to a life of destitution for women, but also isn't a one-sided affair where she gets the benefit of the doubt in terms of money and child custody? I think that dating dynamics generally would favour women. There is nothing unfair about that if artificial forces aren't in play to create that dynamic. We would all need to embrace the premise that infidelity on the part of women is no more or less "bad" than it is when a man does it. No, men are not somehow so much more inclined in that direction that they should get more latitude. And each of us are entitled to set our own terms for romantic and sexual relationship - nobody else is obliged to accept those terms, but nor do they have any right to try to compel us to change them.
Each of us has the latitude to offer a value proposition however we want. If money is part of that then so be it...as long as its value isn't magnified by denying the other party's access to opportunity.
It is an interesting thought experiment to see how that would play out. I think men would gain as long as they accept that when may gain more. It would be better than where we are now without returning to where we used to be
Sheesh... that's bleak.
I will say that I know a few guys who share (more or less) your point of view. ..But what I find amusing about these particular guys is they are always aiming their sights at women who are, well...not to be too objectifying, "Hot." ... Or at least way higher on the "Attractiveness Scale" than they are.
I had a friend in college who didn't get laid ONCE during his four years because he always sought girls who were thin, busty and beautiful. ...And he was, well... kinda short, overweight and dressed rather frumpily. He never once confronted this fact. He was witty, smart and a decent dude and figured that should be enough for ANY girl, including the "hottest" ones. And since it wasn't, he fumed that ALL the pretty girls at the school were shallow and interested only in the most popular guys or guys who came from wealthy families. Maybe he was right, but he had a huge blindspot regarding his own shallowness.
He even adorned the wall of his dorm w/ posters of super models - like 8 of them! ..Something which quickly turned off any girl that passed by his room when the door was open.
I'm not saying this accounts for your experience, I'm just adding more thoughts to the convo.
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sexymilf44
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I cheated as a girlfriend when I was younger. Never cheated as married. That would change if I could get my hands on 1 particular person!
To add.... More than ever the Woman in the partnership is the higher earner and more men are disrupting their careers to care for young kids. Just check out the drop-off/ pick-up lane at your nearest suburban elementary school and you'll see more men than ever. There's still a long ways to go of course - for ex., income inequality is still (outrageously) a reality and there are still way fewer woman at the executive level across all industries.
And yes, no-fault divorce is a big step foward. As I've said before, assessing blame in a marriage simply by looking at who cheated first is idiotic. ..I can tell you, my Mom never cheated but should have. She was wonderful and deserved affection but my dickhead father was too selfish to give it to her. She should have cheated. ..She didn't. But if she did and was caught, she would have been left destitute.
Funny...dude never compared himself to other dudes or see who was making friends with who, eh?
Ya gotta know yourself, certainly. Improve what you can, accept what you can't. Making yourself especially handsome and 4 inches taller just isn't realistic. But there is a giant list of things a guy can do to improve himself. Be around women and they will notice. But that's another thread.
As for me, I do okay. Fit, job, good friend, clean, generous lover
, a person could do much worse than me! Ain't no "Chad", not wealthy, not tall, etc. But I know this so I've never pursued any chick higher than what I rate a 8. (Looks) Okay, maybe a couple of times, with expected results.
Bigboobbabe
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My ex checked out of our marriage long before I did.
He made friends with a girl from work. He was mid-50's, she was early 20's. He tried to convince me we could be couple friends with her and her 26 yr old boyfriend.
He was always very judgmental and closed minded. After getting to know her, tattoos all over looked fine - self expression. Facial piercings were attractive. He wanted an Instagram account so he could post pics and see other people's pics. This was not long after he had chastised me for posting a FB Pic of he and I posing on our anniversary.
She had an active insta account which included bikini shots at the beach and the Halloween she and a friend were Victoria Secret Angel models for Halloween. They were in a bar and not yet 21, basically wearing sexy lingerie.
When it was clear her opinions and needs mattered more than mine, I checked out. This took place over 3 years.
I was emotionally and physically abandoned. That's why I had an affair.
He made friends with a girl from work. He was mid-50's, she was early 20's. He tried to convince me we could be couple friends with her and her 26 yr old boyfriend.
He was always very judgmental and closed minded. After getting to know her, tattoos all over looked fine - self expression. Facial piercings were attractive. He wanted an Instagram account so he could post pics and see other people's pics. This was not long after he had chastised me for posting a FB Pic of he and I posing on our anniversary.
She had an active insta account which included bikini shots at the beach and the Halloween she and a friend were Victoria Secret Angel models for Halloween. They were in a bar and not yet 21, basically wearing sexy lingerie.
When it was clear her opinions and needs mattered more than mine, I checked out. This took place over 3 years.
I was emotionally and physically abandoned. That's why I had an affair.
policywank
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As constraints have come off of women and we have been exposed to more opportunities it is clear that there is no good reason that we can't be the higher earner and perhaps even the primary bread winner. Concurrently, the constraints on our sexuality and sexual activity are being stripped away. Naturally, we are exploring that aspects of ourselves and shaking off the double standard.
Unfortunately some elements in society vilify us for that sexual exploration and link it to other aspects of progress. They look at something like women cheating and think that is an absolute evil, which is a by-product of feminism and progressivism. When we push back against that there is a tendency to accuse us of justifying cheating or advocating promiscuity. But that is generally not what we are doing.
I can only speak for myself. It isn't that I think cheating is ok, but rather that it is no more or less ok for women than it is for men. Likewise I am not saying that any of us should be promiscuous, but rather that sexual activity and inclinations are a personal choice and women shouldn't feel anymore constrained than men.
When society (especially men) lament the fact that women perhaps cheat more often than they did decades ago or are more promiscuous than in generations past they see it through the lens of sinning, when I believe they should be looking at it from a perspective of freedom. In western countries we put a high value on our freedom to make the choices that we want to make. We know damn well that some people won't like those choices and we know damn well that some people will make choices that we don't like. But that comes with freedom. So, when I hear people (especially men) lament the altered sexual behaviour among women now that we have acquired something approaching equal rights and freedom what I hear is men complaining that they can't control us anymore. Even if they see our actions as sinful the point is that I have the same rights to make that decision as a man does.
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5) Love & respect your cow. Bomb it with care & affection. But, DO NOT buy the cow. Take good care of your cow.
