feedback offer

[jon.hayworth]

Hi all,

Ray I am not having a go, but I think the "had gone" and "were gone" are equally correct and incorrect.

If you wanted to be pendantic the correct phrase would have been:-

"her clothes were no longer on the chair"

or (if you wanted to inject some drama):-

"her clothes had disappeared from the chair"

But I do not think the original was wrong in the informal writing style of a short story.

A second point I would make is we are discussing this with the added complication that we all speak / write languages which share the same words, but we do not speak precisely the same language.

You would talk about someone going to school, when we say college.
You say gas We say petrol. We cook on gas etc.

I do not know the Kiwi word usage, but it is probably different again.

jon

 

[jon.hayworth]

Wildsweetone,

I have really tried, I have just been back to reread the story twice.

But I do not get enough inkling of her feelings for her daughter to say she has incestuous feelings for her daughter. I mean the messages are confused - women will collude with a father's incestuous relationship with their daughter for a number of reasons and your story except in the last line does not define the reason. Maybe I am being thick but I do think such a complex story needed at least a little more spelling out. That said I am not a writer who tells real short stories - and that probably colours my critical reading.

I have tried. SORRY

jon

 

[Ray Dario]

Jon, I agree. I am not a grammer expert, I was just giving my opinion and, as WildSweetOne knows, I am American.

By the way, we say college too. I've heard some English people say University, which we don't say.

And it is possible that I kept some subconcious idea about the mother and daughter from the earlier version I read. So, WildSweetOne, you are probably better off to go with Jon's observations about the Mother/Daughter thing. It may have been too subtle, but then I love subtle twists And I still loved the story.

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

"her clothes were no longer on the chair"
yes, thank you for explaining that, i see how it should be for a formal tale. in this case it was part of his thoughts therefore the informality.

ray, that motherly incestuousness wasn't in the original draft i showed you. so what you picked up came from this one.

i'm looking forward to seeing if anyone else gives me some feedback on it. perhaps it was too obscure.

you have both given me much food for thought, i appreciate that, thank you *hugs*

 

[wildsweetone]

anybody else?

requiring my kinda feedback? i may have time for one today
post it here please

 

[damppanties]

Thandi..??

WSO, this is in relation to "An Ideal World" - lovely story. One little thing I'd like to mention. I'm from India, a part of the world where they speak about 23 languages across the country (WHY!?!?!?)... so in one of these languages (Hindi), 'Thandi' means 'cold'. As soon as I read the name of the female, I could not picture her making love with abandon, like you described - or actually couldn't picture her making love at all... somewhat spoiled it for me.

-DP.

 

[wildsweetone]

now that's interesting...

Thandi is a common South African name and means love.

i am sorry my choice of name spoilt the story damppanties. i tried for authenticity, guess it didn't work.

a thought... isn't it great that words have different meanings?

 

[damppanties]

No different meanings

a thought... isn't it great that words have different meanings?

Noooo. Words are supposed to convey something specific. If they have different meanings, they just do not fulfill this function. I'd like to paint a certain picture in the reader's head with my words.. I wouldn't want words interfering with what I have to say.

Hehehe, I just read the last sentence aloud... sounded like an oxymoron.. lol.

 

[wildsweetone]

but maybe double meanings teach us openmindedness...



i have to say, i love your oxymoron! it should be on a bumper sticker lol

 

[damppanties]

almost fainted...

i have to say, i love your oxymoron! it should be on a bumper sticker lol

Oooooh! Compliments from her !!! I'm gonna grin nonstop for the next 2 days, at least....

(((((WSO)))))

-DP.

 

[wildsweetone]

wow i'm truly speechless

somebody help me

please explain 'compliments from her' damppanties...

 

[damppanties]

what kind of help exactly? *wink*

 

[wildsweetone]

oops same time posting... see above

i edited

 

[damppanties]

Re: wow i'm truly speechless

somebody help me

please explain 'compliments from her' damppanties...

It needs explanation?? I think you want to know why I said "her" instead of "you"... well, its just a kind of a comment to the world.. thinking out loud.

-DP.

 

[wildsweetone]

'her' was fine i am kinda overcome. i am just an author too. nothing fantastic, just plain and fairly simple with a little respect for others thrown in.
thank you for the compliment

 

[damppanties]

just plain and fairly simple???

Anyone else thinks so? I think I'm gonna start a new thread with this one....

over and out.

-DP.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Feedback offer

Gee, giving a feedback offer on Lit is rather like McDonald's offering free food to my teenagers. Get out the battle gear, and prepare to be swamped!
I have several stories on Lit. "Wedding Jitters" and "Wildlife" you can ignore. Other than that, PLEASE have at it. I have a new story coming online in the next few days called "Aaron's Lolita" I'm pretty proud of. Your choice, of course.
Thanks for the input, and don't hesitate to ask me for the same if you ever need it!!!

 

[wildsweetone]

watch out damppanties you might bite off more than you can chew rofl

to be honest... i am what i am. if i can help then i will.



ok ladyphoenix i will have a look at something of yours today.
hmmm like my own, your story link can't be clicked on. will do it manually. sorry i have no idea how to fix that. maybe someone could offer a hand here?

btw i'm finding this pace ok so far. i was worried i'd be swamped. it's nice to do feedback one at a time, i can give it a good looking at that way

 

[adultramblings]

my story Jean

Howdy! I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say about my story, Jean. I personally think it's rather flat and a bit boring! I guess I'm looking for constructive ways to spice the story up, as my stories lately have all seemed flat like "Jean" is. Thanks so much for your help.

The link to my story is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43128

Thanks so much,

Anastacia/adultramblings

 

[wildsweetone]

ladyphoenix, Night

remember this is simply my own opinion

'I had never done such a thing before.'
for a first sentence this hooked me.

'pitch and purgatory'
cool description!

paragraph 3. the first sentence contains 65 words, for me that's too much to concentrate on on my pc screen.

'I had accepted what I thought had been a kind invitation from a man I knew and thought was a gentle man...unfortunately for me, his expensive car and pretty words had only gotten me through the fancy cocktail party he'd taken me to and then
dumped, like so much trash, in the middle of a neighborhood I would not have confined an animal to. And so here I was, in a ridiculously short cocktail dress of emerald green sequins, lace topped stockings and even more ridiculously high heels, with my hair pinned up in sexy disarray, standing in the doorway of a dark, dark street, wondering how I was to get home.'

try this,
'I had accepted an invitation to a cocktail party. His expensive car and pretty words led me to believe he was a gentleman. He was, until he dumped me in an undesirable neighbourhood. Dressed in ... I stood in the doorway the dark street wondering how I was to get home.'
maybe that's a little stark for what you're wanting, but do you see it's a little easier to read?

there are a lot of places where you've used '...'. I'm not sure on the grammar rules for their use. check out the 'How to...' section for authors. i'll look into it (when i have time) and see if i can slip in a link on this thread later perhaps choose one paragraph from this story and rewrite it losing about 25% of the words. if you do it with an 'active' voice (is that the right word?) then you'll see how to achieve a slightly briefer style. try it and see how it fits for you.

one thing i have picked up on is your repetition on certain words. it began in the second paragraph. here are some examples,

'It was late...so late that even the stars and a good portion of the moon had gone to bed, leaving the night so dark that it was like walking through pitch and purgatory to move from one place to another.'
'late' is twice, as is the word 'so'
because i read the word 'so' with emphasis, it seemed to stick out to me. i would have not commented except that for some reason i kept finding repetitions of words throughout your story.

p.2 cocktail party, cocktail dress
p.3 passenger door, door slamming
p.4 surprised.
i wont write more here...
if you print this off and read the sentences you might see what i mean.

p.3 'gentle man' should be 'gentleman'

p.6 'I hadn't stood in the doorway for ten minutes when voices emerged from around an alleyway halfway down the block where I stood.'
the first six words had me thinking you weren't standing in the doorway. my fault i think i had the emphasis wrong.

as you can see i am only partly down the first webpage. i'll stop here. it might have been easier to go through one paragraph at a time, but i think it would be better if you choose one of these two:
1. losing 25% of words, or
2. try rewording to avoid the double repetitions.
and perhaps tried them in half a dozen new paragraphs to see if what i'd suggested makes much sense.

please get back to me and let me know if you don't understand what i've written here, i'll explain with a little less 'waffle'

i like your story line. your descriptions are vivid, which i liked.

as i said above, these are just my opinions. i hope i've helped. if you want more, jump right in and ask me again ok? *hug* keep writing!!!

 

[wildsweetone]

adultramblings, Jean

this is simply my opinion adultramblings, so take it with a bucket of salt rofl

ok i have read your story. i like your story idea. i found it difficult to put into words what went wrong with it for me.

in the first two paragraphs you've used the phrase 'in the mood' four times, and 'in a bad mood' once.

paragraph 2 and 3 the word 'just' is used three times

p.9 'party' should be 'part'.

p.10 'taunt' s/b 'taut'.

p.13 'The telephone rang but neither of us noticed.'
as the story is told in first person, one character did notice the phone ringing. perhaps admit it rang and add in 'but i/we ignored it' or something similar.

last paragraph has three sentences all beginning with 'We', try rewriting to make one or two sentences with only one We.

ok i've read your story several times. i can't give you a specific answer as to why it came across as flat or boring to you.

in my humble opinion, i would have a go at rewriting it and choosing only one emotion. i think your story is possibly too short for the full range of emotions your protagonist has gone through. almost one emotion per paragraph ie. uninterested, bad mood, upset and yelling, depressed, snapping (angry), upset, angry, edgy, sexy, afraid, hot and ready.

i also noticed is that it's wordy. if you can cut back on the repetitiveness you might see it flowing a little better. the 800+ words you've used could be slimmed down a little, bring the word count back up by adding in a little more vivid description, at one part i thought Jean was still limp even though his legs were shaking with being turned on.

don't be afraid to use a specific word for those parts of the body you show us have changes occuring. ie, penis, cock, dick, manhood, shaft... try to use one, see if you can find one that you feel comfortable writing/imagining. don't be scared to really show us what's happening to his body.

i hope this helps a little.


ps. don't forget that bucket of salt now

 

[adultramblings]

wildsweetone

Thanks for your input. You mostly said all of the stuff I thought as well. Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story.

 

[Hitchhiker]

write the novel

WSO- Greetings,
After alll the heart ache and soul searching this idea has cost, and your undoubted ability.

Lets write this novel it will be a best seller.

Come on, you have it in you, you are truly talented, trust us, we know talent when we see it.


We don't send flowers to all the ladies you are specail WSO

From tiny seeds to giant Kowrea grow

 

[EnchantressSmiles]

RE: WildSweetOne's Feedback


ATTENTION; EVERYONE
i'd like to know what you think of the kind of feedback i've given so far?
is it too specific?
is it too painful?
is it helpful?
do you have any suggestions how i can improve? - WSO

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you about your feedback! I think it was extremely helpful! Not painful at all. I think we all basically know what could be improved about our stories. I think you're doing a great job!

BTW I've submitted part 2 to the Homecoming.... It should be posted soon. We'll see how it fares!

Thanks again for your help!

Enchantress

 

[penguindance]