wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
sorry
my pc must have played up, i thought i was registered in that last one.
my pc must have played up, i thought i was registered in that last one.
feedback offer
- Thread starter wildsweetone
- Start date
wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
ladyphoenix, Slave
i went to copy this feedback before posting it, lost the lot. sorry i will get back into it again as soon as i can.
i went to copy this feedback before posting it, lost the lot. sorry i will get back into it again as soon as i can.
NoJo
Happily Marred
- Joined
- May 19, 2002
- Posts
- 15,397
Feedback for Aaron's Lolita
LadyP (now I can see what you look like!),
I don't think I ever mentioned this, but Aaron's Lolita is one my favorite stories on this site. It has everything I like in a story. I don't know if you want a detailed analysis, I don't read that way, so I won't give any, I'm afraid.
Here's what I look for in an erotic story, (not consciously, i.e. I don't have a little book and make tick-marks!) I found 100% in Aaron's Lolita:
1. People talking like real people.
2. Sexual dynamics -- be they dark power-games or just play.
3. Five senses (See, Hear Smell Touch, Taste)
4. Time and Place
5. No "goodies" or "baddies", just honesty -- we readers will decide.
6. Change over time
7. Last, and to me least, Grammar that doesn't get in the way.
Brilliant!
LadyP (now I can see what you look like!),
I don't think I ever mentioned this, but Aaron's Lolita is one my favorite stories on this site. It has everything I like in a story. I don't know if you want a detailed analysis, I don't read that way, so I won't give any, I'm afraid.
Here's what I look for in an erotic story, (not consciously, i.e. I don't have a little book and make tick-marks!) I found 100% in Aaron's Lolita:
1. People talking like real people.
2. Sexual dynamics -- be they dark power-games or just play.
3. Five senses (See, Hear Smell Touch, Taste)
4. Time and Place
5. No "goodies" or "baddies", just honesty -- we readers will decide.
6. Change over time
7. Last, and to me least, Grammar that doesn't get in the way.
Brilliant!
ladyphoenix
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2001
- Posts
- 212
You've made me blush now...thanks for the nice words! You taking on clients? I could use a good publicist.
wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
ladyphoenix,
please forgive me, i haven't forgotten your request for feedback. i'll get right on to it on my monday morning. sorry for the delay dear.
please forgive me, i haven't forgotten your request for feedback. i'll get right on to it on my monday morning. sorry for the delay dear.
G
Guest
Guest
ladyphoenix, Slave
Finally i have gotten around to working through this feedback for you, i apologise for the delay. remember this is just my opinion
i am unsure to the use of '--', i did feel while reading this story that perhaps a semi-colon or even a comma could be used in place of the '--'. sorry, but i don't know the '--' rules. if you do, please let me know.
the use of '...' or at times '....'. Quasimodem gave out a good instructive comment on one of the Author Hangout postings a little while back. I lost it, intending (after asking permission) to copy and paste it into the first posting here.
'After gently, slowly drawing her blouse ' i'm not sure that she would be being 'gentle' with her blouse. maybe 'nervously' or 'quickly', even 'jerkily'. gently seems a little 'soft'?
'until the even colder metal in his left hand', i think that 'even' shouldn't be there. the pervious mention of being cold is followed by dialogue. i think there is enough gap to still state the mental in his hand is cold, but not 'even colder'. does that make sense?
'She was so perfectly flawed.' wow, i like this!
'The sliding it down her spine,' s/b 'Then sliding it down her spine'
also, i like that you're not afraid to begin the occasional sentence with 'And'.
'"These hands are mine, to do as I will," ' 'to do with as I will' i think.
'Then firm pressure...letting her feel his lips full on hers. Then she sighed and he took the parting of her lips for his entrance, and his tongue went hot and wet into her mouth, kissing her masterfully; powerfully, until her knees went weak and she nearly forgot that she was so pitifully inadequate.' i would try to lose one of the 'then's and one of the 'went's.
'He slid fingers and thumbs into her hair, holding her face uplifted as he looked down,' is this position possible? for her face to be uplifted he would have to lift her chin i think... not sure though.
next webpage:
'The pleasure of them.' 'The pleasure of him.' i think
'His hand came down to covers her as', s/b 'His hand came down to cover hers as'
'He held her breasts, his thumbs between them, then slide his right down her ' s/b 'then slid his right'
a general comment.
when i began reading this story, ladyphoenix, i was a little surprised that lauren became submissive so quickly. with the way you walked me through the story, i began to understand. it touched me that her Master cared enough to teach her in a loving manner, oh undoubtedly with strength and obedience in mind. i enjoyed the unveiling of the silver item. a story well written. write more!
Finally i have gotten around to working through this feedback for you, i apologise for the delay. remember this is just my opinion
i am unsure to the use of '--', i did feel while reading this story that perhaps a semi-colon or even a comma could be used in place of the '--'. sorry, but i don't know the '--' rules. if you do, please let me know.
the use of '...' or at times '....'. Quasimodem gave out a good instructive comment on one of the Author Hangout postings a little while back. I lost it, intending (after asking permission) to copy and paste it into the first posting here.
'After gently, slowly drawing her blouse ' i'm not sure that she would be being 'gentle' with her blouse. maybe 'nervously' or 'quickly', even 'jerkily'. gently seems a little 'soft'?
'until the even colder metal in his left hand', i think that 'even' shouldn't be there. the pervious mention of being cold is followed by dialogue. i think there is enough gap to still state the mental in his hand is cold, but not 'even colder'. does that make sense?
'She was so perfectly flawed.' wow, i like this!
'The sliding it down her spine,' s/b 'Then sliding it down her spine'
also, i like that you're not afraid to begin the occasional sentence with 'And'.
'"These hands are mine, to do as I will," ' 'to do with as I will' i think.
'Then firm pressure...letting her feel his lips full on hers. Then she sighed and he took the parting of her lips for his entrance, and his tongue went hot and wet into her mouth, kissing her masterfully; powerfully, until her knees went weak and she nearly forgot that she was so pitifully inadequate.' i would try to lose one of the 'then's and one of the 'went's.
'He slid fingers and thumbs into her hair, holding her face uplifted as he looked down,' is this position possible? for her face to be uplifted he would have to lift her chin i think... not sure though.
next webpage:
'The pleasure of them.' 'The pleasure of him.' i think
'His hand came down to covers her as', s/b 'His hand came down to cover hers as'
'He held her breasts, his thumbs between them, then slide his right down her ' s/b 'then slid his right'
a general comment.
when i began reading this story, ladyphoenix, i was a little surprised that lauren became submissive so quickly. with the way you walked me through the story, i began to understand. it touched me that her Master cared enough to teach her in a loving manner, oh undoubtedly with strength and obedience in mind. i enjoyed the unveiling of the silver item. a story well written. write more!
wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
hmmm
sorry, that last posting was mine. i must have disconnected yet again. *sigh*
okay i just discovered i can't go back in to that one and correct the typos. sorry about that.
pervious actually is meant to be previous. rofl
sorry, that last posting was mine. i must have disconnected yet again. *sigh*
okay i just discovered i can't go back in to that one and correct the typos. sorry about that.
pervious actually is meant to be previous. rofl
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