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pretty_lil_stranger, The Party

here's my thoughts dear :)

paragraph 1 a great beginning. i would leave off the 'before either of us spoke' though.

p3. remove the word 'of'

p.4 description of girl seems a little too specific and measurementy (cool word eh? ;) )
'The girl who answered the door was around the same age as me – 23 – but much taller. She was around 5'8", an athletic blonde with her hair done up in curls pinned to the back of her head.'
hmmm how about something along the lines of:
'The door was answered by an athletic blond in her early twenties. At around 5'8" with her hair pinned up in curls she stood much taller than I.'
have a play with the paragraph and see if you can say the information another way, you'll probably find one better than mine.

p.6 i'm trying to walk as she would have to see if i can get a glimpse of a tattoo on my upper thigh while i'm wearing a skirt just above the knees. (please don't tell anybody i had to physically do this to see if it works rofl) if she is turning on level ground there wouldn't be a chance you could see her upper thigh, unless she has a split in her skirt.

p.10 'foos' should be 'foot' though it's also spelt that way in p.15 so maybe it's something i know nothing about...? (showing ignorance again, sorry) please tell me what it is!!! ;)
p.10 'and pretty little brunette.' add in 'a'.

'His breath tasted of beer and mint gum, and he was an amazing kisser. His tongue lingered in my mouth, exploring all of the regions of new found passion. I was lost in the kiss and didn't hear anyone coming until someone grabbed hold of my arm and threw me against he opposite wall.'
i would take out the first 'of' in the second sentence, that's personal preference for me. not sure if there's a 'rule' though. third to last word in the para. s/b 'the'.

'She had her face in the carpet as I sat on her back, grabbing those cute little blonde curls in one fist and her panties in the other hand and pulling up on both. She writhed and whimpered beneath me, and reached up to pull herself on top of me. I looked up at her, smelling her pussy as she sat on me only a few inches from my face, and reached up to rip her shirt.'
i think that a little more needs to be said about how the blonde managed to get on top of your protagonist. perhaps deleting the words 'and reached up' to 'Turning over, she pulled herself on top...'

in the para. beginning 'The material ripped easily...' take out the first 'with' in the last sentence.

'I was amazed at how far the skin stretched as I pulled my head back, the released it and it sprung back into place.'
'...the released...' s/b 'then

'I grinned at him and grinned back.' add in 'he'
'I grinned at him and grinned back. "Wow, she really got hers, huh?" he said.
or try 'I grinned at him. "Wow, she really got hers, huh?" he grinned.'

general comment:
i liked the beginning. the story idea is also good. i'm not sure if it would have been better to end the story the paragraph before. the last sentence doesn't give me that 'complete' feeling. perhaps if the last paragraph were written differently but with the same intention, it might 'feel' more right to me. that's just my opinion though.

there is a thread on here somewhere about 'measurement'. somebody once suggested i write by 'showing' not 'telling'. it worked much better for me when i used that approach. have a go and see how you get on. i'd be interested to know what you think. :)

oh, and thanks ever so much for making me get up outa my chair and try out some of those moves!!!

ps remember these are just my opinions, don't lose your own writing style, it's good! :)
 
oh whew *wiping brow*

oh thank goodness for that pretty_lil_stranger. you really had me wondering. i was dreaming an unbelievable amount of possible games rofl!!!

and... you very welcome :)
 
Hi Pretty_Lil_Stranger,

Just a little comment. "foos ball" Sounds like either a local name or brand name for the game. Don't forget you are writing for a World wide readership - so things like table soccer need to be named so we all know what you mean.

I recognise "Soccer" is a mega problem. We really are in the grey world of a common set of words but not a common meaning. For the rest of the world "Soccer" is a nickname for Football. When we talk of your Football game we call it American Football.

We all have these problems it is a matter of recognising when they might cause a problem in understanding. eg If I say, "I'll ring you." I am saying in UK English, "I'll call you on the phone."
I would not use the "I'll ring you." In a story on the net because it does not have a common meaning.

It is just a matter of thinking. I try to imagine amongst my readership I have an Innuit and a Kalahari Bushman - both speak English but is it the same English?

Overstated maybe - but it is the criteria I aspire to - and often fail.

jon:devil: :devil:
 
the mind boggles...

welcome back jon :)

ahhh soccer over here is played with a black and white round ball.

rugby is with an oval ball, and it's also called football.

we know American football, but i don't think we actually play it anywhere here.

pretty_lil_stranger, foos ball had me imagining all sorts of things, but not a table game. i think perhaps it was because of the story setting too.

i love your idea of imagining the Innuit and Kalahari bushman jon, i'd never thought of that.
 
Hi Wildsweetone,

How are you enjoying doing this feedback thing?

My story is in a growth mode - 6500 words and still growing, I am not too happy with it at the moment. - It may even need a total rewrite I'll be guided by you. Should be sending it end of weekend at the latest - or shall I wait till you get back?

jon
 
Jon,
I'm enjoying this thread a lot actually. it's time consuming as i knew it would be. if i can do about 4 feedbacks in a week i'll be content. i do have the urge to write, but haven't had too much of a chance this week. i'll get there :)

to be truthful, i'm learning a lot too. my grammar and punctuation skills aren't perfect and i'm seeing some of my own mistakes in others. it's a good reminder for me.

and, it's nice to be me. i'm trying hard to make sure i don't offend anyone. it's tempting to cut corners and list one item after another, but for me that sounds too harsh. i think i've found a comfy spot. :) thank you so much for asking *hug*

with regards your story (or should i say book ;)), if you send it over the weekend, the first chance i'll get to look is Monday (mine). i will work through as much as i can (i have no idea what the word count is per page), if i don't finish i'll send you what i've done and work on the rest when i get back, or relook at the whole story if you send that.

or alternatively, yes, i could go through it after i get back. if that's your choice, i'll drop you a message as soon as i return.

a total rewrite you say?
try this, choose one paragraph and rewrite it without the words 'and', 'there' and 'it' (not that you overuse them). or, change the POV (point of view). does it feel better? i know i'm not meant to say that until after you've written as much as you can. but sometimes a little exercise like that can breathe a little new life into a work.

will you be sending it to both authors at the same time or consecutively?

btw i understand you are on a deadline with this writing, so i will work in my other feedbacks around yours. i'm sure everyone will be ok about that :)

i'm really looking forward to reading your story :)
 
pretty_lil_stranger,

I took a look - we call it Table Football same game - manic fun - when I was at college we even had a league.

Sweetwildone,

Sent an e-mail and the story as far as I've got with some questions.

An answer early next week would be great - then I'll either: polish it before asking you to edit;

or I will do a rewrite based on your initial comments.

jon:devil:

for you :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose: :rose:
 
oh!!! i've seen them!

but never played with one. for me, they on a par with playstation games and remote controls. imagine people standing at each end hitting a little ball around the table with men who are skewered in rows... rofl ok teasing. but truely, they hold very little appeal for me. i have absolutely no idea what they call it here.

personally i think my imaginal 'foos ball' was better than the real thing *laughing so hard my sides ache now*

OH THY OWN RAJ :kiss:
thank you dearest for the flowers
:D
i will go this minute to look for your email :)
 
damnpanties, Doggie Style

hi damppanties,
here's my thoughts on your story, remember they're just my thoughts :)

initial reaction:
i saw the title and the word doberman in the first sentence. made sure i wasn't reading something from the beastiality setting then relaxed as i saw it was under 'erotic couplings' lol *whew* ;)

paragraph 7. 'naked… my' should be 'naked... My'

'Needless to say, I was quite aroused by the time I was ready to go.
The look on his face when he opened the door was very flattering.'
it took me a moment to realise that some time had passed between the first and second visit. i think a little more could have been added to let me know time had passed.

p.14 she is wearing panties, 2 paragraphs later they've disappeared without me having been told where they went...?

'against my clit time to time' add in the word 'from'

'...dirty words spewing forth...' just a question. why didn't you use dialogue? don't be afraid to try it :) you've used six spoken sentences. they were excellent.

i assumed that the dogs were in an enclosed area, or at least the characters were... it was a surprise to me that her dog was right beside her at the end.

general comment:
great first sentence and very good ending. the story line kept me interested. personally i was turned off when i thought it was going to be a beastiality story (not my kinda thing really). but i was pleasantly surprised. in my humble opinion you write very well. keep up the good work :)

this may seem like a brief feedback, but truthfully, your writing is good. :) now, go do some more ;) don't forget to add dialogue!
 
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sorry folks

that's all the feedback i've got time for now.

i'll be able to do more when i get back on the 28th or 29th May, depends on the weather and whether or not i can manage to lose myself ;)
 
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Thank you

Thanks a lot. You feedback was very valuable and greatly appreciated. It was the most detailed one I got.

quote:
p.14 she is wearing panties, 2 paragraphs later they've disappeared without me having been told where they went...?

err... they disappeared while I was editing/re-writing. :eek:

quote:
...dirty words spewing forth...' just a question. why didn't you use dialogue? don't be afraid to try it you've used six spoken sentences. they were excellent.

I didn't use dialogue because I was afraid I wouldn't do it properly. The six sentences I used were due to the coaxing of my editor. I didn't think I could handle the dialogue during the sex, so I just left it out. Perhaps I'll try it in my next story.

Thank you so much for your kind words about my writing. Really made me feel good.:)

-DP.
 
you're most welcome damppanties :) thank you for giving me the chance to comment :)

by the way, i have added links to my first posting on this thread.

there is one which may interest you. it's whispersecret's how to, on dialogue. have a look, print it off if you can and follow her lessons through one at a time. dialogue is time consuming, but it can be used very effectively to move a story forward.

i look forward to reading your next submission :)
 
yes, i am still around :)

Forgive me please, i have been somewhat snowed under (almost literally, and definately figuratively) this last two weeks.

I expect to be somewhere near normal again by the end of this week. I have one more feedback to answer privately, then i'll open up again for feedback through this thread.

roll on NORMALCY! oops, is there such a word? ;)
 
I'd love some comments ... on my latest story, as well as any of the others I've pulled together

THis one is about an adolecent loosing his virginity with an older woman ... a fantasy every man had in his youth ...


A House Painter

the other story I've written that's more interesting (I think?) to a female reader is a mild D/s story about meeting an internet stranger in a hotel room.

The Unlocked Door

I don't claim to be a writter, I just have a good imagination and like to share it. I should probably spend more time editing out the spell checker gotchas, grammar and punctuation so there isn't a need to remind me of these errors ...
 
The Unlocked Door, yknow

ok, take this with a grain of salt, or maybe a bagful. 'tis just my humble opinion dear.

having received your permission to avoid commenting on your grammar, punctuation and spelling i sat back and relaxed to read your story. i have to admit, that's the first time i've been given permission and the difference was worthwhile.

i blanked out the mechanical problems and got right into your story.

whew, i'm not sure i should admit it publically though ;)

the imagination is certainly there. yes i agree it is a mild D/s story, it sounds a tiny bit similar to one i wrote myself a while back.

i personally liked the way you drew me into the story. in fact, i wished it were me in that room waiting for Bill, waiting for his next move. the tantalizing anticipation is always an intriguing drawcard for me.

i hope this helps a little. i probably said more than i should have, and yet not enough to help.

suffice it to say, i liked the plotline and i encourage you to continue writing. :)
 
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gee, I'm not sure I needed any salt at all! enough flavor in your response to satisfy me.

Thanks for the kind words ... I'll try to continue writing, But most of my composition time is spent on a bus, using a PDA ... you can't imagine how hard it is to edit what that damn machine thinks I'm spelling out ... and the random capitalization ...

I'd love to read the story you refer to as being similar.

Ben
 
am i allowed a plug? hey i was asked you know ;)

here we go yknow, just for you :)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42308

now i apologise for any typos or grammar messups, i am still learning about the mechanics of the language myself.

i write for my own enjoyment, for the urge to take a hike and for anyone else who may enjoy my moments of madness. that i happen to be openminded enough to want to learn a little more, is simply coincidence. i think i'm an oddball lol

just a little thought yknow. these threads are read by many people. it is perhaps wise to keep personal information to yourself on the open threads. i'm not sure if you realise this or not, forgive me if i've spoken out of turn. i just wanted to make sure you knew. feel free to PM me if i need to explain better. :)

btw what on earth is a PDA and can people look over your shoulder while you're writing? lol see, i am sooooo ignorant.
 
R M Roxinger, Seductive Cindy

this is simply my opinion on your story R M Roxinger, okay? feel free to ask others :)

i find this a difficult story to give feedback on. i am not by any means accomplished with my grammar, but there were some things which struck me as being not right with yours - just my opinion remember.

firstly the thing that came to my notice was your use of the '&'. is there any particular reason you used it? i was under the impression that it shouldn't be used inside stories, yes use it in the title if you wish, but not the bulk of the story. it was actually quite off-putting for me to see it there.

after an excellent first sentence, the first paragraph seemed kind of 'listy'. the way you have used the semi-colon ';' is incorrect, i think. each part within its use should be a complete sentence in itself. please check, i may be wrong there.

there is almost too much information in that first paragraph. perhaps cut down your word useage by about 45-50%, take out repetitions... hmmm something like this perhaps:

'My wife Gina, our baby Melody and I arrived at mother-in-law's home at 11am. Although it was almost time for brunch, Cindy was still in her bathrobe.'

that's a bit basic, but do you see the difference?

i'm not sure that the plotline of your story is realistic... perhaps that's a reason why your story didn't have a great positive impact on me. equally, maybe i'm reading it with the wrong perspective.

i would suggest that you play around with a re-write for this story. lose the capacity for explicit time and measurements. try to imagine you are showing me what happened, rather than telling me. see if that makes the story 'feel right' for you.

please don't be disappointed with what i've said. it is just my opinion and i have been known to be wrong before. if you feel up to it, i would like to see your re-writing.

i suggest that it would be to your benefit to concentrate on trying one thing at a time. there is a lot to achieve in all one go.

whatever you do, don't give up. if you have stories inside you, then keep sharing them :)

by the way, i loved that you weren't afraid to use dialogue. keep that up!!! :)

wildsweetone
 
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