Feeling better about your body

[jerseyman1963]

As I get older, I am starting to not give a shit but there are still the feelings of inadequacy that bubble up to the surface. Unprogramming the negative takes a lot.

Man oh man, Tease, did you hit the nail on the head with that one! Whether we're talking about body image, self image, self competency, ambition, intelligence, nerve, whatever... unprogramming the negative, or put another way, reprogramming yourself to be positive, is really the whole ball of wax in a nutshell. Alas, it's not easy to do, especially when negativity is the initial "norm" you get used to. But it really is "the" thing that makes the biggest difference, and once you get past that, everything else just falls into place.

So here's some positivity for you... even based on a blurry AV pic, you look great as a 31 year old. Pass it on.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

the surprising thing is that often they treat me better than they treat her. I didn't notice it until she mentioned it to me one day. But she's right. They don't do it as much as they used to, but sometimes they still do, and she notices it.

The one thing is, she has you to be a witness and to see her side of things. That's got to help a lot - she's not alone in facing them.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

I hold grudges. I can forgive but I never forget. It really is a hard habit to break but, I'm working on it.

I hold grudges as well, but I don't know that I'm at the point of forgiveness. It would probably be easier on me if I could forgive, but I can't.

In light of the body image stuff. . .

I'm had this love-hate relationship with my body since I was 14 or so, which was when I started to get some curves. At that I went from 110 pounds to 120 pounds in a couple of months with no real effort on my part, and I was devastated. I was, at that time, a very active three-sport athlete, and I couldn't understand why I was gaining weight. I obsessed about my weight off and on throughout the years--I gained another 15 or so pounds and got a couple of inches taller--but other than my freshman year of college, when I lost the freshman 15 instead of gaining it, my weight has been pretty stable.

Things got bad in 2000-01, when my first marriage collapsed. I was nursing a two-month old at the time, and when my ex left, I threw myself into caring for the kids at the expense of my own needs. At one point it dawned on me that I hadn't eaten ANYTHING for three days. It's probably an understatement to say that my reaction to stress is to not eat. In 8 months, I went from 158 pounds (at six weeks postpartum, which is above my normal weight) to 109 pounds. I was cold all the time and I was losing a lot of hair--some of the hair loss was normal for having recently given birth, but it continued longer than it should have.

The silly thing is that I could look at my skinny self in the mirror and think, "If only I could get rid of my cellulite," and "If only I could lose a few more pounds." What I failed to see at the time was what everyone else was seeing--I looked like one of those celebrity stick-insects with the lollipop heads. My ex said I was disgusting. My family and friends were worried as hell about me, and when I look at pics of myself from those days, I see why. I didn't look one bit healthy.

I've had a lot of stress in my life recently, and I occasionally find myself reverting back to the "old" ways--"forgetting" to eat until later in the day, caring for the kids at the expense of my own needs.

I was raised by parents who expected the best from me, only my best had to be better than everyone else's best. I'm trying like hell to make sure that I'm not doing this with my own kids.

 

[Denae]

Yes, it does!

I actually try not to interact with my family much because they bring me down. I have a lot of issues I'm trying to work out. The fam is just not supportive, not in the least bit.

Good for you Olivia! I'm taking baby steps...

PTM--good luck to you as you take those steps. Let me tell you though, that there's something incredibly freeing when you get to that point where you can interact with a family member and stand up for yourself regardless of the consequences. You'll take that stand that lets him/her/them know that they may think you're shit, but their opinion does not matter to you because you are who you want to be.

I had the opportunity to stand up to my father shortly before he died. I had gone to a counselor who had suggested that I write and mail him a letter explaining how I felt about his treatment of me. I didn't have the courage. Even though I had been living on my own for a decade, I was afraid of him-rather, I was afraid that he'd try to destroy the relationship that I had with my mother. There was no way in hell I was going to address it.

A few months into my therapy helped bolster my confidence. I visited my parents one weekend and of course during the course of a conversation that wasn't about my appearance he made a comment about how he thought I looked like shit with short hair. I told him that I didn't care what he thought about the way I wore my hair, that I like myself in short hair and will wear it long or short depending on how I wanted to wear it. He shut up. Not another word, of course no apology either, but that didn't matter to me. What mattered is that I stood by my convictions and I wasn't going to let him put me down again.

Our relationship hadn't healed before he died, but standing up for myself was a huge turning point and it was a start. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any relief when he died. I did. I felt that never again would he criticize me or make me feel afraid of him.

But whatever you do, I know that you are doing it for you and your little light will shine brighter and brighter with each passing day.

Den

 

[pleasteasme]

Man oh man, Tease, did you hit the nail on the head with that one! Whether we're talking about body image, self image, self competency, ambition, intelligence, nerve, whatever... unprogramming the negative, or put another way, reprogramming yourself to be positive, is really the whole ball of wax in a nutshell. Alas, it's not easy to do, especially when negativity is the initial "norm" you get used to. But it really is "the" thing that makes the biggest difference, and once you get past that, everything else just falls into place.

So here's some positivity for you... even based on a blurry AV pic, you look great as a 31 year old. Pass it on.

When you grow up with negativity, it definately becomes normal to you. So much in fact, that when people are nice to me, I have to fight the thought that they always have an ulterior motive. Nice, hmmm?

Thank you for your kind words jerseyman

I'm a bit of a paradox myself. I can be assertive and self confident when I need to be and other times, I am so far the opposite. Maybe it has to do with being a Gemini, who knows?!

 

[pleasteasme]

I hold grudges as well, but I don't know that I'm at the point of forgiveness. It would probably be easier on me if I could forgive, but I can't.

In light of the body image stuff. . .

I'm had this love-hate relationship with my body since I was 14 or so, which was when I started to get some curves. At that I went from 110 pounds to 120 pounds in a couple of months with no real effort on my part, and I was devastated. I was, at that time, a very active three-sport athlete, and I couldn't understand why I was gaining weight. I obsessed about my weight off and on throughout the years--I gained another 15 or so pounds and got a couple of inches taller--but other than my freshman year of college, when I lost the freshman 15 instead of gaining it, my weight has been pretty stable.

Things got bad in 2000-01, when my first marriage collapsed. I was nursing a two-month old at the time, and when my ex left, I threw myself into caring for the kids at the expense of my own needs. At one point it dawned on me that I hadn't eaten ANYTHING for three days. It's probably an understatement to say that my reaction to stress is to not eat. In 8 months, I went from 158 pounds (at six weeks postpartum, which is above my normal weight) to 109 pounds. I was cold all the time and I was losing a lot of hair--some of the hair loss was normal for having recently given birth, but it continued longer than it should have.

The silly thing is that I could look at my skinny self in the mirror and think, "If only I could get rid of my cellulite," and "If only I could lose a few more pounds." What I failed to see at the time was what everyone else was seeing--I looked like one of those celebrity stick-insects with the lollipop heads. My ex said I was disgusting. My family and friends were worried as hell about me, and when I look at pics of myself from those days, I see why. I didn't look one bit healthy.

I've had a lot of stress in my life recently, and I occasionally find myself reverting back to the "old" ways--"forgetting" to eat until later in the day, caring for the kids at the expense of my own needs.

I was raised by parents who expected the best from me, only my best had to be better than everyone else's best. I'm trying like hell to make sure that I'm not doing this with my own kids.

Good for you Eilan for breaking the cycle with your kids. I'm sure you are doing the absolutely best to make sure they don't have those same feelings you had when growing up.

With such busy lifestyles, it is easy to forget to eat and take care of one's self. I'm guilty of it myself. It goes along with TBK's lifestyle and habit changing thread. We just have to make things like eating breakfast a priority in our lives, no matter how swamped we are!


I've always been chunky. It isn't like I am the only one in my family that is though - they all are! My sister is 6 years older than me and was very cruel to me when I was going through that "developmental" stage of getting curves in the places that I would later learn are the right places. Of course, my mother did absolutely nothing to interfere and just let us fight it out...*sigh*

Being the but(t) of jokes when you are younger by family and classmates has a way of performing massive wear and tear on your self esteem. In high school I was a very very unhappy person - as unhappy as a person can get. It was a dark time in my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When I think about it, it is a miracle I have made it this far. I try not to dwell too much on the negatives (either in retrospect or current life) and to keep things in perspective, I think, "things could be a lot worse." It works, most of the time.


On the grudge thing...to each, his or her, own. Of course it would probably be more pleasant if we could forgive easily but...what's the saying: "First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me." I don't like letting people get to the second time!

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I've always been chunky. It isn't like I am the only one in my family that is though - they all are! My sister is 6 years older than me and was very cruel to me when I was going through that "developmental" stage of getting curves in the places that I would later learn are the right places. Of course, my mother did absolutely nothing to interfere and just let us fight it out...*sigh*

Being the but(t) of jokes when you are younger by family and classmates has a way of performing massive wear and tear on your self esteem. In high school I was a very very unhappy person - as unhappy as a person can get. It was a dark time in my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When I think about it, it is a miracle I have made it this far. I try not to dwell too much on the negatives (either in retrospect or current life) and to keep things in perspective, I think, "things could be a lot worse." It works, most of the time.

were we like twins or something that were separated at birth?

I had a lot of these same experiences. Only with mine, add in both of my parents and grandparents telling me constantly how no one likes the fat girl and fat girls dont get married to the mix.

 

[pleasteasme]

PTM--good luck to you as you take those steps. Let me tell you though, that there's something incredibly freeing when you get to that point where you can interact with a family member and stand up for yourself regardless of the consequences. You'll take that stand that lets him/her/them know that they may think you're shit, but their opinion does not matter to you because you are who you want to be.

I had the opportunity to stand up to my father shortly before he died. I had gone to a counselor who had suggested that I write and mail him a letter explaining how I felt about his treatment of me. I didn't have the courage. Even though I had been living on my own for a decade, I was afraid of him-rather, I was afraid that he'd try to destroy the relationship that I had with my mother. There was no way in hell I was going to address it.

A few months into my therapy helped bolster my confidence. I visited my parents one weekend and of course during the course of a conversation that wasn't about my appearance he made a comment about how he thought I looked like shit with short hair. I told him that I didn't care what he thought about the way I wore my hair, that I like myself in short hair and will wear it long or short depending on how I wanted to wear it. He shut up. Not another word, of course no apology either, but that didn't matter to me. What mattered is that I stood by my convictions and I wasn't going to let him put me down again.

Our relationship hadn't healed before he died, but standing up for myself was a huge turning point and it was a start. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any relief when he died. I did. I felt that never again would he criticize me or make me feel afraid of him.

But whatever you do, I know that you are doing it for you and your little light will shine brighter and brighter with each passing day.

Den

Thank you for sharing Den I'm glad to hear that you are making strides too. It had to be a relief and a confidence boost when you stood up for yourself! You go girl!

I'm sorry to hear your relationship was strained with your father. I don't have a very close relationship with my father either. I remember, as a little girl I wanted him to love me so much... He has always been such a @$$&*^$#, emotionally unavailable, unsupportive, and overall just a grouch! I don't understand why people like this have children and good lord, what on earth was my mother thinking? I'll save all that for another rant somewhere along the line!

Just this past weekend, I made a major breakthrough. It is one of those things that when you say it, it is like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders...but, later when you really think about it, you almost regret saying/doing it. Maybe I am just a guilt-ridden individual, who knows? We'll see how it plays out. I know it won't be the end of it. I probably just opened up another can of worms entirely.

 

[pleasteasme]

were we like twins or something that were separated at birth?

I had a lot of these same experiences. Only with mine, add in both of my parents and grandparents telling me constantly how no one likes the fat girl and fat girls dont get married to the mix.

sister!

Yes...my sister was the worst one in the mix. She was competing with me - ummm, hello you are six years older than me! I got it from all sides though - grandparents and cousins the worst. Oddly enough, my mother never did anything about it. I don't know why. Then again, I don't entirely understand her either.

When people say things like this over and over...it can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

sister!

Yes...my sister was the worst one in the mix. She was competing with me - ummm, hello you are six years older than me! I got it from all sides though - grandparents and cousins the worst. Oddly enough, my mother never did anything about it. I don't know why. Then again, I don't entirely understand her either.

When people say things like this over and over...it can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

ya know what's really weird about all this, is that my sister is six years older than me and we had the same issues, right along with my mother not doing anything to stop it either.

 

[pleasteasme]

ya know what's really weird about all this, is that my sister is six years older than me and we had the same issues, right along with my mother not doing anything to stop it either.

Wow!

If your older sister is a blonde (well, a brunette now) and you have red hair...I think I've found my long lost twin!

Do you get along with your sister now?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Wow!

If your older sister is a blonde (well, a brunette now) and you have red hair...I think I've found my long lost twin!

Do you get along with your sister now?

well, she's a brunette now, but she always was. And I only had red hair for a couple of years in high school thanks to a bottle.

I get along with my sister now that we live over 2000 miles apart and dont talk to each other very often (maybe once every two months). Do you get along with yours now?

 

[pleasteasme]

well, she's a brunette now, but she always was. And I only had red hair for a couple of years in high school thanks to a bottle.

I get along with my sister now that we live over 2000 miles apart and dont talk to each other very often (maybe once every two months). Do you get along with yours now?

LOL!

She has been overly nice to me as of late. I am waiting to find out what she wants...Mine lives an hour and a half away, in the house next to my parents.

Now, her son is my dear darling nephew that I love to pieces! He is like my own but...well, he isn't.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Boy, this thread has turned into one intense discussion. I've kind of lost track of who's said what at this point, but it's amazing (and quite sad in a way) how all sorts of seemingly disconnected things that happen to us (our relationships to our bodies, gym class, our relationship to our family, the environment we grow up in) all somehow relate to each other. Ah, the tangled web we weave, or more to the point, is woven for us.

I too had a crappy relationship to my parents, who talked a good game about being supportive, and making their kids think they could grow up to be president, and then went out of their way to pull the rug out from under us at every turn. Well, at least out from under me. I shouldn't be so bold as to speak for my siblings, although they had similar experiences.

It took a long time for me to come to grips with that as an adult. Years and years. The problematic relationship was my old man. We would fight, not speak, then make overtures to each other, move a little closer, then when my guard was down because I so wanted to love and be loved by him, he'd do something shitty, and we'd start the cycle all over again.

Eventually this happened enough that I came to see the cycle for what it was, and stop talking myself into believing that maybe this time it would be different. Yeah, the sun may come up tomorrow and be polka dotted, but probably not.

Once I got to that place, it was much easier to finally have the big showdown. This went on for years and years, back and forth, and then one day I had that apocryphal moment of clarity and I just decided I'd had enough and I wanted to be happy and he was going to do anything he could to keep me unhappy, and I confronted him. I was shaking during the big moment, and then, once the words were out of my mouth, I swear I could feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. I could really feel it. And then, I had this thought. "I just did the one thing that frightened me the most in my life - I finally took the old man down. And now I'm going to toy with him." And for the rest of the conversation I verbally led him around by the nose to see what he would do, and it was a lot of fun, because he was totally predictable, and for the very first time, I was in total control.

Many great things came from that one 5-10 minute conversation. Once that was done, it was like a lot of doors were kicked down, and the rest of my family and my mother became much, much closer. We still have our family squabbles (hey, it's a family, these things happen) but it's all out in the open, and once that was done, me, and everyone else, started to actually live.

I haven't talked to my old man in years, and not a day goes by that I don't wish it were different. Not a day. But I've also come to live with the fact that while this is not the way I want it to be in my dreams, it's the way it has to be if I am to live MY life without his insanity controlling it.

This is, of course, the Reader's Digest version, and it's all a little more complicated than this. But it's more or less the essence of things.

To everyone who's posted who's broken the chain with their family, or with the person or persons who controlled you and your life in a bad way - Bravo!

And to everyone out there who's still working through that - it's tough, but breaking the chain is sometimes the only way. It seems horribly unimaginable before you do it, but I am here to tell you that while it's not what anyone would want, when you come out the other side, you're gonna feel so different, so free, so lightweight, and so ready to get on with your own life.

 

[pleasteasme]

I think people sometimes get lost in the fact that everything in your life helps to shape the person you are: family, friends, school, society...

Life is complicated. It usually isn't black and white, there are so many hazy shades of gray to contemplate. Ultimately, we have to answer to ourselves. Regardless of how people treat us, we need to be ok with ourselves in order to move on in life. This process comes quickly to some, slowly to others, and for some, not ever. I'm working my way from the last group towards the middle.

The best of luck for everyone out there looking for acceptance, growing as people, and loving yourself.

 

[center_stage]

I was raised by parents who expected the best from me, only my best had to be better than everyone else's best. I'm trying like hell to make sure that I'm not doing this with my own kids.

Same with me. My parents push and push and push. I am worried about raising my kids (when I have them) that way because I don't know any other way. Sometimes I get scared when I think of becoming a parent.