Female-Led Relationships

[naughtymind]

I appreciate your support, and points as well naughtymind... Thank you... I suppose we all have that particular (reeled back in) T-shirt... I expect its always going to happen to a submissive person IMHO. I felt like I was her emotional punch bag. I'd feel so emotionally depleted (at it's worst after being with her) when I wasn't with her. And I really didn't know which way was up when I was with her... Fun times!

When I met my Wife it was with an open mind, and no pretexts. It took quite while for both of us (as my Wife had a crappy time previous to me too), but things are really good between us now...

Totally understand. My heart felt like a yo-yo, then it felt like it was going through a cheese grater, then it felt like it had been torn out of my chest and was gone forever. I was crushed...and then we'd end up sleeping together for a night or a week, and it would be more blissful than I could imagine... then it would end again. You would think after once or twice I would have known better, and I did; but I could not resist and heed my better instincts when she would lay on the sugar. She knew it all to well too, and was thrilled by it. She wasn't an evil person though; she was dealing with her own issues. As it turns out, she actually suffered a lot longer from it. She had tremendous guilt for years afterwards, and struggled to find healthy relationships for much longer. A costly, and painful education for us both.

Glad you got out of the cycle, and glad you found someone special after all.

 

[Justplatonic]

Totally understand. My heart felt like a yo-yo, then it felt like it was going through a cheese grater, then it felt like it had been torn out of my chest and was gone forever. I was crushed...and then we'd end up sleeping together for a night or a week, and it would be more blissful than I could imagine... then it would end again. You would think after once or twice I would have known better, and I did; but I could not resist and heed my better instincts when she would lay on the sugar. She knew it all to well too, and was thrilled by it. She wasn't an evil person though; she was dealing with her own issues. As it turns out, she actually suffered a lot longer from it. She had tremendous guilt for years afterwards, and struggled to find healthy relationships for much longer. A costly, and painful education for us both.

Glad you got out of the cycle, and glad you found someone special after all.

Thank you naughtymind... I agree 100%, neither (thankfully there were just two) were evil. Absolutely no way... I saw the good in them, they just struggled against the huge overhead/burden of their challenges... I guess I compounded their challenges without realising, as I stuck around longer than I should of... I thought I could fix them... Especially my later ex... I was just constantly drawn to her, especially on a primal level. I'd be in subspace, she'd be at her happiest/content/satisfied, we were like a well oiled machine, in complete unison... Then next day/hour/minute/second (take your pick) a meltdown. A while later, rinse and repeat...

I expect it must skew the other way though (despite what I said before)... If I didn't take a time out, I might've affected a perfectly happy, content Woman...

Thanks, that was one hell of a ride I had no desire to repeat... I hope you manged to break the cycle too naughtymind...

 

[CuttingEdge]

No to get all preachy on anyone, but as I showed the other day, a strong-willed woman is actually biblical.

Read Proverbs 31: verses 10-31. That example is given and is hardly the "what do you want me to do now, Dear" that many people think the bible demands women to be.

Then after reading that, read what the bible expects of men in 1st peter 3:7.

I think a lot of women who are strong-willed feel a sense of guilt, and feel they have to change, but I do not see that anywhere in the bible. I do however, see a lot of men who are NOT honoring the women in their lives.

I have read 1st Peter 3:7 many times and do not see the phrase "do this unless your wife or girlfriend is strong-willed". There is no disclaimer in that verse.

 

[naughtymind]

Thank you naughtymind... I agree 100%, neither (thankfully there were just two) were evil. Absolutely no way... I saw the good in them, they just struggled against the huge overhead/burden of their challenges... I guess I compounded their challenges without realising, as I stuck around longer than I should of... I thought I could fix them... Especially my later ex... I was just constantly drawn to her, especially on a primal level. I'd be in subspace, she'd be at her happiest/content/satisfied, we were like a well oiled machine, in complete unison... Then next day/hour/minute/second (take your pick) a meltdown. A while later, rinse and repeat...

I expect it must skew the other way though (despite what I said before)... If I didn't take a time out, I might've affected a perfectly happy, content Woman...

Thanks, that was one hell of a ride I had no desire to repeat... I hope you manged to break the cycle too naughtymind...

Sounds like there are a number of parallels between our relationship woes, and yes I/we did eventually break the relationship to the point where it was not repairable. Wasn’t ideal, and it took quite a few years afterwards before I could really give my all in a relationship again, but it worked. I have mostly fond memories at this point, having come to accept that the bad stuff (which was pretty bad) was part of the learning process that affected my life paths, I hold no ill will whatsoever. We are actually on very good terms; long distance friends now.

 

[Justplatonic]

No to get all preachy on anyone, but as I showed the other day, a strong-willed woman is actually biblical.

Read Proverbs 31: verses 10-31. That example is given and is hardly the "what do you want me to do now, Dear" that many people think the bible demands women to be.

Then after reading that, read what the bible expects of men in 1st peter 3:7.

I think a lot of women who are strong-willed feel a sense of guilt, and feel they have to change, but I do not see that anywhere in the bible. I do however, see a lot of men who are NOT honoring the women in their lives.

I have read 1st Peter 3:7 many times and do not see the phrase "do this unless your wife or girlfriend is strong-willed". There is no disclaimer in that verse.

I'd agree not enough men honor the women in their lives... It's a travesty... I see that as plainly wrong IMHO... But I'll admit there are some men with extenuating circumstances who don't... Although I'd say most of the guys on this thread do wholeheartedly, without a shadow of doubt...

 

[Justplatonic]

Sounds like there are a number of parallels between our relationship woes, and yes I/we did eventually break the relationship to the point where it was not repairable. Wasn’t ideal, and it took quite a few years afterwards before I could really give my all in a relationship again, but it worked. I have mostly fond memories at this point, having come to accept that the bad stuff (which was pretty bad) was part of the learning process that affected my life paths, I hold no ill will whatsoever. We are actually on very good terms; long distance friends now.

Parallels aplenty, naughtymind... But you're a better man than I. We couldn't be friends... We did talk after the second break up, and she even floated the idea of FWB. But I knew she'd reel me in again if I agreed.

When I refused, she went ballistic on the phone, called me all sorts names... She was right about one thing though. Most of my friends ripped the proverbial out of me when I told them. They simply had no concept, comprehension, or even empathy for what I'd been through. All they remember seeing was this stunning head turner of a Woman beside me. She was so beautiful, and they never understood why we were together either (as I'm no oil painting, or comedian).

Despite all of the above, I too have fond memories, as when things were good, they were fantastic! But it cost me dearly... I'll never forget that either.

I certainly think I'm the man I am today, admittedly in part because of her. She was the first Woman where I felt comfortable expressing my full self (as it was back then). It helped me more than I realised at the time, in retrospect. I also course corrected after being with her, to where I was when I met my Wife. And for all of that, I'm eternally grateful to her.

Last I heard, she got married... I sincerely wished she and her fella all the happiness life could bring. But I never heard anything else after that. I hope she's OK, and life is still treating her well...

 

[Kitschshaman]

Parallels aplenty, naughtymind... But you're a better man than I. We couldn't be friends... We did talk after the second break up, and she even floated the idea of FWB. But I knew she'd reel me in again if I agreed.

When I refused, she went ballistic on the phone, called me all sorts names... She was right about one thing though. Most of my friends ripped the proverbial out of me when I told them. They simply had no concept, comprehension, or even empathy for what I'd been through. All they remember seeing was this stunning head turner of a Woman beside me. She was so beautiful, and they never understood why we were together either (as I'm no oil painting, or comedian).

Despite all of the above, I too have fond memories, as when things were good, they were fantastic! But it cost me dearly... I'll never forget that either.

I certainly think I'm the man I am today, admittedly in part because of her. She was the first Woman where I felt comfortable expressing my full self (as it was back then). It helped me more than I realised at the time, in retrospect. I also course corrected after being with her, to where I was when I met my Wife. And for all of that, I'm eternally grateful to her.

Last I heard, she got married... I sincerely wished she and her fella all the happiness life could bring. But I never heard anything else after that. I hope she's OK, and life is still treating her well...

There's a line from the movie 'The Natural'...goes something like 'I often think we live two lives...the first one is the one we learn with..the second is the one we live with after that...

And I do wish my old ex the sociopath the absolute best in life...I truly do...that way she will eternally stay the hell away from me...

 

[CuttingEdge]

When I refused, she went ballistic on the phone, called me all sorts names... She was right about one thing though. Most of my friends ripped the proverbial out of me when I told them. They simply had no concept, comprehension, or even empathy for what I'd been through. All they remember seeing was this stunning head turner of a Woman beside me. She was so beautiful, and they never understood why we were together either (as I'm no oil painting, or comedian).

Who am I to judge, but that almost seems like a narcissist and not just a Female Led Relationship.

I think we all have narcissist tendencies because we all have needs that must be taken care of, but a narcissist purposely deceives so that the other person thinks they are caring and loving, until they are in a position to dominate them. That is what I kind of pulled out of your statement, but I could be wrong.

Society does not help. I think the term "narcist" is thrown around much too loosely. The narcissist does not help the situation because an ironic key that someone is one, is they accuse others of it because in their twisted mind, if they do not get all the attention, then the other person is selfish. It is the ultimate reverse phycology, and why they are so insidious in a relationship.

I was married to a narcissist for seven years, and it was hell. I am now with a girlfriend where we have a female led relationship: the two are very different.

 

[Justplatonic]

There's a line from the movie 'The Natural'...goes something like 'I often think we live two lives...the first one is the one we learn with..the second is the one we live with after that...

And I do wish my old ex the sociopath the absolute best in life...I truly do...that way she will eternally stay the hell away from me...

Who am I to judge, but that almost seems like a narcissist and not just a Female Led Relationship.

I think we all have narcissist tendencies because we all have needs that must be taken care of, but a narcissist purposely deceives so that the other person thinks they are caring and loving, until they are in a position to dominate them. That is what I kind of pulled out of your statement, but I could be wrong.

Society does not help. I think the term "narcist" is thrown around much too loosely. The narcissist does not help the situation because an ironic key that someone is one, is they accuse others of it because in their twisted mind, if they do not get all the attention, then the other person is selfish. It is the ultimate reverse phycology, and why they are so insidious in a relationship.

I was married to a narcissist for seven years, and it was hell. I am now with a girlfriend where we have a female led relationship: the two are very different.

Thank you both for your comments...

I think I got off way more lightly than either of you, with all due respect...

I'll admit my ex might've been narcissistic, but I don't think clinically... I can't go into too much detail, but (from what little she did elaborate on) a previous boyfriend traumatized her. I suspect many years before my arrival.

She was more of a victim than I, but I'm not condoning her actions towards me, or any other type of domestic violence that happens in the world at large. I implored her to get professional help... She never did (while I was with her).

To anyone inexperienced, and reading this thread curious about FLRs; they can work... Just be weary of your limited experience (or the lack of) which may lead you the wrong way, until you know better...

 

[Showmewhatchugot84]

Ive tried to entice my wofe to live a more FLR but she just doesnt enjoy geyting into a dominant role. While i enjoy playing a dominant role i have an extreme submissive side screa.ming to be unleashed. The combination of my wifes lack of interest in both making me her submissive as well as not enjoying sexting i have found myself on this sight diving deeper and deeper into kinks and curiosities

 

[naughtymind]

Who am I to judge, but that almost seems like a narcissist and not just a Female Led Relationship.

I think we all have narcissist tendencies because we all have needs that must be taken care of, but a narcissist purposely deceives so that the other person thinks they are caring and loving, until they are in a position to dominate them. That is what I kind of pulled out of your statement, but I could be wrong.

Society does not help. I think the term "narcist" is thrown around much too loosely. The narcissist does not help the situation because an ironic key that someone is one, is they accuse others of it because in their twisted mind, if they do not get all the attention, then the other person is selfish. It is the ultimate reverse phycology, and why they are so insidious in a relationship.

I was married to a narcissist for seven years, and it was hell. I am now with a girlfriend where we have a female led relationship: the two are very different.

Totally agree with you that a FLR has nothing to do with narcissism, nor are the two mutually exclusive of each other. Totally different issues. I believe that the conversation was drifting a bit, at least my own personal relationship woes were not in any way about FLR relationships. They were more just comments pertaining to relationships in general, and the risks we take, the suffering we might experience, and ultimately picking up and moving on. Something I think most of us have had to work through in some form or another.

Your distinction is a pretty important point though, and one that more people need to understand. Being a leader, in any form, also comes with certain inherent responsibilities for those who choose to follow. Good leaders understand that well and cary employ great care and thought to honoring that responsibility; poor "leaders" tend to be classic narcissists in my experience, self absorbed to the point where they fail to consider the weight of that responsibility, or simply do not care about the well being of others. No one should ever mistake narcissism for leadership!

 

[Justplatonic]

Totally agree with you that a FLR has nothing to do with narcissism, nor are the two mutually exclusive of each other. Totally different issues. I believe that the conversation was drifting a bit, at least my own personal relationship woes were not in any way about FLR relationships. They were more just comments pertaining to relationships in general, and the risks we take, the suffering we might experience, and ultimately picking up and moving on. Something I think most of us have had to work through in some form or another.

Your distinction is a pretty important point though, and one that more people need to understand. Being a leader, in any form, also comes with certain inherent responsibilities for those who choose to follow. Good leaders understand that well and cary employ great care and thought to honoring that responsibility; poor "leaders" tend to be classic narcissists in my experience, self absorbed to the point where they fail to consider the weight of that responsibility, or simply do not care about the well being of others. No one should ever mistake narcissism for leadership!

I agree, not all who lead are suited to do so, case in point my ex(s). But who persuades them to do so (I'm certainly guilty of that consciously/subconsciously)? When leadership is expected of someone, therein lies the problem... It is always a gamble (if you don't know any better), despite all outward appearances to the contrary.

FLRs can come in all varieties/styles/levels/shades/intensities (as detailed in this thread by other contributors)... Some Women embrace leadership and are more than capable, while others are simply not leaders at all, even though they give it a go (my ex(s))...

 

[policywank]

I agree, not all who lead are suited to do so, case in point my ex(s). But who persuades them to do so (I'm certainly guilty of that consciously/subconsciously)? When leadership is expected of someone, therein lies the problem... It is always a gamble (if you don't know any better), despite all outward appearances to the contrary.

FLRs can come in all varieties/styles/levels/shades/intensities (as detailed in this thread by other contributors)... Some Women embrace leadership and are more than capable, while others are simply not leaders at all, even though they give it a go (my ex(s))...

From a female perspective I feel as though sometimes people project expectations of domineering behaviour onto any woman who is thought of as a leader. And we frequently buy into the fallacy that we have to engage in that behaviour. That is unfortunate. When we think of a male leader most of us instinctively understand that being aggressive or domineering or narcissistic isn't what makes him a leader. It is his ability to motivate, inspire and earn the confidence of those he leads.

Bulldozing your way into position doesn't make you a leader and while men might get away with being bossy a little easier than women it is generally unseemly behaviour from either gender. Likewise a good leader doesn't need top go around telling everyone they are a leader or trying to coerce people.

I am the leader in my FLR and I try to make it a point for that role to be as seamless and invisible as possible to outsiders. If I have to be aggressive to earn my husband's obedience then I am doing it wrong. When I see a woman being a domineering wife, I see a bitch not a leader in just the same way as when I see a man being a domineering husband I see an asshole not a leader.

 

[Justplatonic]

From a female perspective I feel as though sometimes people project expectations of domineering behaviour onto any woman who is thought of as a leader. And we frequently buy into the fallacy that we have to engage in that behaviour. That is unfortunate. When we think of a male leader most of us instinctively understand that being aggressive or domineering or narcissistic isn't what makes him a leader. It is his ability to motivate, inspire and earn the confidence of those he leads.

Bulldozing your way into position doesn't make you a leader and while men might get away with being bossy a little easier than women it is generally unseemly behaviour from either gender. Likewise a good leader doesn't need top go around telling everyone they are a leader or trying to coerce people.

I am the leader in my FLR and I try to make it a point for that role to be as seamless and invisible as possible to outsiders. If I have to be aggressive to earn my husband's obedience then I am doing it wrong. When I see a woman being a domineering wife, I see a bitch not a leader in just the same way as when I see a man being a domineering husband I see an asshole not a leader.

I couldn't possibly agree with you any more policywank. Word for word (I guess because my Wife has a similar style to your own)...

One of several FLRs I'm aware of, is verbatim your last paragraph. She is dictatorial, manipulative, and narcissistic. The funny thing is her husband and their kids (all adults now) don't see it at all (with the exception of one of them who has been ostracized). They completely buy into to every lie and deception. I presume because it's been going on for so many years, they've became accustomed to it. She has created many rifts over the years...

I guess when people talk about FLRs, they don't normally mention the implications on a family dynamic. Especially about the generational affects too.

I know the balance and synergy (the shades of FLR) my Wife and I share has already impressed not just my immediate family, but my friends as well. What the detractors don't appreciate is simply this... I am happy for my Wife to lead my family and I, as she always has our best interests at heart. I agree on most of her decisions because she knows me so well. I support her as best as I can, and to the best of my ability. Her happiness is my priority. I'm enthusiastic/ecstatic to be in that role. Its not rocket science, but if the balance and synergy isn't there to begin with, its a self-serving/egocentric FLR, devoid of true happiness for one and all...

 

[CuttingEdge]

In my current relationship, it is readily apparent that my girlfriend is a natural born leader. Its a long story, but she had to work through some incredible gender bias just to get a government license she was passionate about in a man-dominated industry. And that is just one example, because at work she is getting her doctorate so she can be in a place of leadership. So being a leader just permeates her life.

Yet her marriages consisted of men who just wanted her as a trophy-wife. That did not work so well.

For me, I have changed. Brain cancer affected my ability to make decisions easily, so I really need a helpmate with that, but unfortunately the men in her life so far have just destroyed her self confidence via severe abuse to her and her children.

 

[Justplatonic]

In my current relationship, it is readily apparent that my girlfriend is a natural born leader. Its a long story, but she had to work through some incredible gender bias just to get a government license she was passionate about in a man-dominated industry. And that is just one example, because at work she is getting her doctorate so she can be in a place of leadership. So being a leader just permeates her life.

Yet her marriages consisted of men who just wanted her as a trophy-wife. That did not work so well.

For me, I have changed. Brain cancer affected my ability to make decisions easily, so I really need a helpmate with that, but unfortunately the men in her life so far have just destroyed her self confidence via severe abuse to her and her children.

I'm really sorry to read about the challenges you've both faced CuttingEdge... Although positively, I'd say you were meant to meet each other. It's perhaps the reason why you work so well together now (as I can appreciate it takes time to 'cultivate' an FLR).

I'd also agree we all live in a male dominated society. I'm not saying it's right, just the way it is (unfortunately). My Wife's leadership qualities are also derived from the (male) pressures in her career. Constantly having to prove herself, and when she was eventually accepted, she'd have to start all over again when management changed or additional personal were brought it (for a project).

I also feel her decades long career has shaped her into an excellent Leader (which does lend itself somewhat to FLR), I can certainly attest to that...

 

[Justplatonic]

Its been my understanding (having read many threads/posts since joining this forum, and other posts/articles on various websites over the years), many Female Leaders (of more realised FLRs) will search for someone outside of their main relationship. Generally when opinions are expressed, there’s an air of pride, sometimes nonchalance, and other times a need for secrecy… Reading these comments and many others muddles what is actually going on from the POV of skeptical readers IMHO... Obviously Female Leaders appreciate it’s a societal taboo (as is generally the sentiment behind all comments), and to be found out (by the 'wrong' people) would be disastrous. So why the risk?

It has perplexed me for a number of years… However lately, I’ve wondered whether there was a correlation between the answer for the aforementioned question, and my Vanilla Wife’s behavioural patterns at home.

Its accepted globally, Leadership (in all professions, not just FLRs) is both challenging and draining over the long term. I see it every weekday with my Wife, and how it affects her. I've noted generally for the first (up to) half an hour when we wake up in the morning, and for the last one to three hours (when the kids are in bed later that day), she's less, or even not Dominant (a trait not kink).

When I’ve thought about the two scenarios in concert, the answer became obvious. The stress of Leadership needs an inverse release or respite. Without it, the balance at home would unsettle, even break. Or the Yin is necessary for the Yang.

When my Wife’s Dominance regresses, she doesn’t switch (as we’d expect in BDSM circles). Instead she is relatively happy for me to take some control (as she takes a respite). This massively frustrated me in the past as I didn’t understand it… So it’s only recently I took this handover more seriously… I found if I take a more active role in leading (I don’t switch either as that’s not within her more prevalent omnipresent expectations, which are over arcing this more relaxed state/phase), she’s more responsive to me. I can still be sub-like in doses, as I’m in control (albeit a gentle lead). But equally I can have a little fun with her, and have a laugh (not so doable when she is Dominant).

So what of the Female Leaders in more intense/encompassing FLRs?… Their subs I suspect do not switch, or are not expected to. The Female Leaders crave respite (just like my Wife), but they're not governed by the same rules/lifestyle. So they reach out beyond their relationship, to an inverse of their sub at home, to someone where they can feel none of the stress of Leadership. Its only afterwards when they return home, renewed/refreshed to resume the role of Leadership, they’re able to restore balance once again.

I can appreciate most people would regard it as adultery, but is it really? It’s my belief both scenarios are not only the same, they’re both are necessary and vital for a Women’s (FLR) sanity... And let’s not forget, a fully expressed FLR is usually consensual, the sub is well aware of the status quo, and most importantly they’re not a victim (as is normally the case in adultery)…

 

[Justplatonic]

This is meant to be bump fodder as it's become quiet again... I know it's not quite thread worthy... On a more fictional note... Battlestar Galactica (the rebooted series 2004-2009) I didn't catch the first time around. But recently rerunning on my local TV channel, I decided to commit to it, and it's a hoot.

Pictured below, are the characters of Number Six and Gaius Baltar (two of many characters, but they definitely 'stand out' from the rest)... If ever there was a TV FLR, this is it, and it has it all. Its funny at times, and scary too in the context of the show...

https://www.geekgirlauthority.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/battlestar-galactica.jpg

 

[Justplatonic]

Have to love strong women who know what they want

Indeed... There is nothing better...

 

[eroticspank]

Indeed... There is nothing better...

I was an original Gallatica fan so of course, I watched the reboot. Yes, that was a nice erotic element to the show. I loved it and it was very much like an FLR--in my mind.

ES

 

[Justplatonic]

I was an original Gallatica fan so of course, I watched the reboot. Yes, that was a nice erotic element to the show. I loved it and it was very much like an FLR--in my mind.

ES

Agreed... Erotic, even with their clothes on...

I loved the original too... But this reboot is done so well... Ellen Tigh and Colonel Saul Tigh are another FLR too (as I've noticed in later episodes)... It makes me believe the writers of the show are fans of FLRs...

 

[eroticspank]

Agreed... Erotic, even with their clothes on...

I loved the original too... But this reboot is done so well... Ellen Tigh and Colonel Saul Tigh are another FLR too (as I've noticed in later episodes)... It makes me believe the writers of the show are fans of FLRs...

Yes and I forgot about Col Tigh. I am curious as to what the ladies think of this series. Now that you brought it up, pretty much all of the female characters are strong women, including Starbuck.

ES

 

[Justplatonic]

Yes and I forgot about Col Tigh. I am curious as to what the ladies think of this series. Now that you brought it up, pretty much all of the female characters are strong women, including Starbuck.

ES

Yes, most definitely eroticspank... I guess it's a double whammy as Starbuck was originally one of the central characters in the first iteration. Additionally with this reboot and it's support of Female characters, Starbuck is a really strong Female lead of the show. Katee Sackhoff really nails the character, with so many nods to the original one.

President Laura Roslin shows remarkable strength despite the odds of survival against her, and is another strong Female character acted by the wonderful Mary McDonnell. I could go on, but I too wonder if the show was appealing to any of the Women reading these posts, and what your thoughts are of the FLRs and Female characters on the show...

 

[Tjeik]

Life in a Female Led Community in Denmark

As a boy I was raised in a community of female led families in Denmark in the 1970s.

My mother and her female friends belonged to the Women's Liberation Front - in Denmark called Rød¸Strømperne (Red Stockings) - who was a far left movement with focus on the emancipation of women and the abolishment of the patriarchal society. Some of those Red Stockings even dreamed of creating a Matriarchy, and tried to realize this dream in their own small communities. Just as other peoples on the danish left wing at the same time tried to create a socialist society in Christiania in Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark.*

As a believer in feminism and female superiority, my mother refused to be bound to a man by marriage or otherwise. Therefore she had different lovers, who never lived with us. And my beloved sister Ida, who was three years younger than me, and I had different fathers. They didn't live with us, and we never spoke of them. My mother and her group of Red Stocking friends had moved into the countryside, where the houses were very cheap, and where they could live an undisturbed life. There were between 12 to 15 women (some newcomers came, and a few moved out) with their girls and boys, living in houses relative close to one another. Only a few of those women lived with a permanent male partner. The others had changing lovers, or preferred to live alone with their children as my mother did.

As I mentioned, the women believed strongly in female superiority, and so did their daughters. The same did we boys, I have to say, because so we had been told by our mothers, and; I must add, in a loving and caring way. My mother demanded, that in the summer time I should only wear briefs when at home or around our house. Boys are stronger than girls, she said, and they therefore have to do the hard work, which makes them sweat, and therefore they better be naked. And right she was, cause when we older boys between 13-16 years on a hot summer day were working in the fields or in the orchards, which the women of our community owned in common (they were feminist and socialist), our bodies were covered with sweat. (All the other boys also just wore briefs in the summer time, because this was the rule of the women. Also the men were shirtless in the hot period).*

Although my name is Tjeik, I was often by the other children called by my nickname "the Indian" because of my tanned skin and my long black hair (all the other boys also had long hair at that time). This made me somehow feel better with my nudity during the summer days, because the Indians were a kind of role models or ideals for me as I saw them as freedom fighters in their struggle against the white settlers. Nevertheless I must admit, that it was a bit humiliating to have to be naked, except for my briefs, most of the summer. Even on pretty cold summer days I wasn't allowed any other clothing than the briefs, because my mother thought that this would harden me and make me more healthy. Perhaps she was right, for I almost never was ill. Especially humiliating it was to be almost naked, perhaps, because the girls always were fully clothed. They wore very beautiful and expensive dresses and skirts. Expensive not measured in money (the girls dresses were cheap), but measured in the time consume that went with creating them. Our moms themselves knitted their daughters clothing in a special knitting, which was very popular in Denmark at the time, called "hønsestrik". (Link: hoensestrik - Bing images . Danish "høne" means "hen" in English). These bright and colorful dresses that the women and girls were wearing, were very beautiful, I think. On the other hand neither the women nor the girls wore cosmetics of any kind. That was considered "reactionary" and "capitalistic", and therefore banished from our community. But the humble feeling of being naked among the well dressed girls was alleviated by the girls themselves. They seldom teased us with our nudity during the summer time (but of course, sometimes they did, girls will be girls), but instead complimented us with how much we had grown and how much stronger we seemed to be compared to the last time they saw us all naked the previous summer. Those women and girls, although they were in charge of their men and boys, were by no means wicked or evil. Of course some of the girls sometimes abused their power, but that was rather the exception than the rule.

 

[Tjeik]

Life in a Female Led Community in Denmark

As I told in my previous post, most of the women in the group of about 12-15 leftist feminist women, who in the 1970s had bought cheap houses (or rather cottages) and land in the countryside on the danish island Zealand, took changing lovers - as did my mom - so as not to be dependent on a man, but also, I think, because "free love" was the trend of that time among young people, who considered themselves to be progressive. Therefore the women and mothers of our group were the stable factors in our small community, on whom we depended and on whose guidance we children always could count. Together with the fact, that all of these women were strong believers in female superiority, and transmitted this view to their daughters and sons, I think that the fact that the women, who owned everything, because the had founded the community, were always there, whereas most of the men, whom they took as their lovers, came and went, to a considerable degree contributed to make it possibly for our mothers to create that kind of matriarchal society that they dreamed of, and perhaps even made it inevitable.

Now as I think about it, an interesting fact was, that although most of the women in our community were in their middle or late thirties, their lovers always were considerable younger than them, often in the middle, or even beginning, of their twenties. Perhaps women with power prefer young men, in the same way as men with power often prefer young women?

Only three or four of the women of our group had permanent male partners, and as already said my mother was not among them. My mother named me Tjeik, which is not a danish name, because when she was pregnant with me, she read a book wherein there was a boy named Tjeik. She thought that the name was cute, and therefore she named me thus. Three years later my mom had a daughter with another of her lovers, and I got a sister, our dear Ida, who has black hair as do I. We have it from our mother, who also was dark haired. So there was no dad around in our home to comment on the rule of the Women-Meeting (all decisions were made by the women in common at their meetings, which were very frequent), that all boys and males had to be naked during the summertime (from around the end of may to the middle of august, depending on the weather), except for small briefs for the boys, and shorts for the men. The only exception was when we went to school in the nearby village. Then we wore t-shirts and shorts, but changed to briefs when we came home. In the summer holidays, which in Denmark at that time lasted for seven weeks, we boys seldom wore anything else than only our briefs. We were not forbidden to wear shoes, and we occasionally wore sandals. But most of the time we went bare-footed, and so did the girls.

Sometimes the girls also preferred to be naked, That was when the bathed in the nearby lake or in the small river running through the wood some distance away, or when they were sun bathing. But then we boys were strictly forbidden to come near the girls or to peep on them. This was to protect their modesty, we were told, something that the girls and their mothers were almost hysterical about, as it seemed to us boys. I remember a case, where a boy was severely punished because he accidentally saw some of our girls when they were bathing naked in the river, as he was strolling through the wood. That he did not do it on purpose did not help him. It's clear that you can talk of unfair double standards here, but perhaps the girls and their mothers wish to protect the modesty of girls at all cost was caused by an age old deep rooted fear of being raped by a male assailant. That was what I thought back then. To day I am not so sure. Perhaps their female superiority ideology was another motivation for the women and their daughters to be so strict about boy's and men's respect for girls modesty? A kind of psychological warfare in the battle between the sexes, so to speak?