First post - how can man compete with my imagination?

[Licia]

Actions have always spoken louder than words on my planet, so I always viewed certain conversation unnecessary. Sex fell into the category because we lived together for two years before marriage. Freqency was never an issue during the early days, quality was, so we both suffered due to lack of communication and emotional honesty.

"Quality": I shared some of the blame due to my default "society" business.

He misunderstood the value I place on sex regardless of what happens outside of the bedroom, and I misunderstood the value he places on communication so the bedroom can be "right" for cruelty. Many years passed before we were able to reach even that point.

Two years is not long enough to live with someone before getting married; especially if the couple does not understand how to talk to one another. Five years may be enough.

The two of us are stubborn individuals, though. We take our commitment seriously, and the rest is unromantic romantics.

 

[RoseLeaf]

Thanks for your suggestions and I will look at the other forum topics. Again, doing this on the sly is causing me great guilt ... I'm lucky to have my husband and my current situtation is likely my own doing. So many things in my life are making sense and I'm authentic in other areas (classically trained musican, professor, mother, wife). Is it so bad I want to be a sex slave too? (just added that for fun ... someday I'll ask what category that belongs to)

Rose

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you have to do something, and you can't do it openly, then-- doing it on the sly is your recourse.

Hopefully, you will find ways to begin to be open about it.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Thanks for your suggestions and I will look at the other forum topics. Again, doing this on the sly is causing me great guilt ... I'm lucky to have my husband and my current situtation is likely my own doing. So many things in my life are making sense and I'm authentic in other areas (classically trained musican, professor, mother, wife). Is it so bad I want to be a sex slave too? (just added that for fun ... someday I'll ask what category that belongs to)

Rose

I don't think you're wrong. But I do think that before you even try to move onto or into any type of sexual situation or change you and your husband need to work on communication skills. Once again please understand that I am saying this with the truest, best of intentions and in an effort to help you.

While sex is important in a relationship (okay let's be honest-- really really important! ) More than sex is communication and in some ways how you communicate about sex and sexual needs even more so. And most of the time those conversations need to happen far far away from the bedroom.

And that is just in a vanilla sex kind of world. If you are talking about exploring the world of D/s, then communication is even MORE important. You and he need to be able to talk about expectations, limits, boundaries, etc...

I would caution against exploring this so long as you two cannot talk and discuss even sexual needs effectively. Do you really want the moment when you realize you were unclear about something to be when you are in the middle of a scenario or even restrained? This type of relationship takes a tremendous amount of trust. You need to trust that your partner will hear you, will listen to you.

This is not to say that you can't get there. I believe you can. From what I see, you two have been married a long time, and you seem to genuinely care for and love your husband. And that is fantastic! Find a way to talk with your husband, sometimes it just takes the right approach. And if you need help to find that approach I think most people here will be happy to help! I know I would be happy to talk with you. i have definitely been there.

Again good luck!

 

[achingyearning]

I don't think you're wrong. But I do think that before you even try to move onto or into any type of sexual situation or change you and your husband need to work on communication skills. Once again please understand that I am saying this with the truest, best of intentions and in an effort to help you.

While sex is important in a relationship (okay let's be honest-- really really important! ) More than sex is communication and in some ways how you communicate about sex and sexual needs even more so. And most of the time those conversations need to happen far far away from the bedroom.

And that is just in a vanilla sex kind of world. If you are talking about exploring the world of D/s, then communication is even MORE important. You and he need to be able to talk about expectations, limits, boundaries, etc...

I would caution against exploring this so long as you two cannot talk and discuss even sexual needs effectively. Do you really want the moment when you realize you were unclear about something to be when you are in the middle of a scenario or even restrained? This type of relationship takes a tremendous amount of trust. You need to trust that your partner will hear you, will listen to you.

This is not to say that you can't get there. I believe you can. From what I see, you two have been married a long time, and you seem to genuinely care for and love your husband. And that is fantastic! Find a way to talk with your husband, sometimes it just takes the right approach. And if you need help to find that approach I think most people here will be happy to help! I know I would be happy to talk with you. i have definitely been there.

Again good luck!

They don't call this site Literotica for nothing...

Truly, just think of all the earnest discussions, the honest opinions, the real give and take exhibited just in this one thread.... it reminds me why I keep coming back here so often to satisfy this niche of my intellectual curiosity.

 

[BiBunny]

I'll say we are. What you're talking about has NOTHING to do with the problems of a woman in RoseLeaf's position, living with an old school, controlling, man, unable to walk away and trying to make her situation better.

Matter of fact, the guy you were with sounds pretty controlling.

Actually, we know very little about the situation. Very, very little.

This.

The long version of the questions I asked her. Unfortunately, she didn't have the time or desire to think properly about my questions. I could have written a long story about what I call "The downward spiral", but with her not-reply I don't feel the obligation to. And as you've written down the core parts of this for her here, I guess it's not necessary for me anymore anyway.

I figured I was banging my head against the wall by saying it, but, hey, I had work to avoid, and this seemed like the perfect excuse.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Actually, we know very little about the situation. Very, very little.

What does "he says I should be happy that he still finds me attractive after all these years ... most women would be happy with that ... " sound like to you?

Also; I feel lucky to have anyone / sorry, I'm boring myself suddenly and don't mean to take up space ... / Do you have any idea of ... oh, its not important

That kind of passive aggressive talk tells me a whole lot about her situation. (Sorry, roseleaf but it's true)

I figured I was banging my head against the wall by saying it, but, hey, I had work to avoid, and this seemed like the perfect excuse.

I've been using this excuse all day.

 

[BiBunny]

What does "he says I should be happy that he still finds me attractive after all these years ... most women would be happy with that ... " sound like to you?

Also; I feel lucky to have anyone / sorry, I'm boring myself suddenly and don't mean to take up space ... / Do you have any idea of ... oh, its not important

That kind of passive aggressive talk tells me a whole lot about her situation. (Sorry, roseleaf but it's true)

I've been using this excuse all day.

I addressed that in my first post, but I may have been too cryptic about it because I was trying to be nice.

So he lashes out in childish ways because he's feeling hurt and rejected, which only serves to broaden the gap between the two of them.

Now, I'm not saying this is what happens, nor am I saying that if it is happening that this reaction on his part is ok. I'm just saying it's understandable if that is the case.

And pretty much all my posts on Lit nowadays are work-avoidance.

 

[Stella_Omega]

yeah, that was pretty cryptic!

 

[RoseLeaf]

What does "he says I should be happy that he still finds me attractive after all these years ... most women would be happy with that ... " sound like to you?

Also; I feel lucky to have anyone / sorry, I'm boring myself suddenly and don't mean to take up space ... / Do you have any idea of ... oh, its not important

That kind of passive aggressive talk tells me a whole lot about her situation. (Sorry, roseleaf but it's true)

I've been using this excuse all day.

Ok, not sure what you mean - am I the bad one? My fault? You can be direct as I can be a bit naive. What would you do ? don't need to be nice - use to it that way.

roseleaf

 

[RoseLeaf]

Ok, not sure what you mean - am I the bad one? My fault? You can be direct as I can be a bit naive. What would you do ? don't need to be nice - use to it that way.

roseleaf

 

[IrisAlthea]

Thanks for your suggestions and I will look at the other forum topics. Again, doing this on the sly is causing me great guilt ... I'm lucky to have my husband and my current situtation is likely my own doing. So many things in my life are making sense and I'm authentic in other areas (classically trained musican, professor, mother, wife). Is it so bad I want to be a sex slave too? (just added that for fun ... someday I'll ask what category that belongs to)

Rose

I'm going to be too serious about what you added for fun again and ask you if it would be so bad if he came to you with the same or a similar request. These things aren't easy.

I'd try to be as open as possible about what it is yoy want. It does make things easier in the long run.

Ok, not sure what you mean - am I the bad one? My fault? You can be direct as I can be a bit naive. What would you do ? don't need to be nice - use to it that way.

roseleaf

The way you expressed yourself in those quotes is passive-aggressive. I won't speak for Stella but I read it that way.

My personal recommendation would be 5 years.

The fact that there is no obligation for either one to stay makes you value the relationship when you hit the third year of troubles. If I would have been married at that time, I'm sure I wouldn't have backed down when it was actually necessary.

This!
And it will still might not work if you don't manage to be open about who you are and loved/not loved for that, rather than trying to be who you hope the other person can love.