Fundamental differences between male and female submissives

[MissTaken]

Do male subs look for affection and romance?

I imagine it is an individualized thing, but I am curious.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Could society already impose shame on submissive men that is internalized and they seek more shame and humilation to deal with it?

I really don't know the answer to that, WD.

I know my subs are very authoritative in their vanilla and work lives. They find humiliation relaxing, at least that is what one or two tell me. It satsifies some internal need.

Eb

 

[WriterDom]

I know my subs are very authoritative in their vanilla and work lives. They find humiliation relaxing, at least that is what one or two tell me. It satsifies some internal need.

Eb

I don't know either. Many female subs are very authoritative in nilla and work lives, but humiliation to them is the ultimate turnoff.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I don't know either. Many female subs are very authoritative in nilla and work lives, but humiliation to them is the ultimate turnoff.

Like I said, there are some very real differences between male and female submissives.

Eb

 

[luvsubbbbb]

Do male subs look for affection and romance?

I imagine it is an individualized thing, but I am curious.

i am an uncollared male submissive with a fair bit of BDSM experience.

talking for myself only, i seek romance and affection from a Mistress with whom i would be involved seriously.

i seek to be cared for, nurtured and valued.

i seek to have my strengths utilized to the maximum, but will endure if She deems it necessary to control my stubbornness with a strict and heavy hand.

i seek a serious and strong power exchange from a woman with whom i share common interests.

i would wish that my service and devotion to Her be appreciated, but i do not do it for the recognition or thank you...i do it because i seek to please and be found pleasing.

i do not have a kink wish list; rather i seek to fulfill Her kinks should She find me worthy to do so.

as far as the qualities which i seek above, i do not believe that there is much difference between male and female submissives.

from my observation post, i see a difference between males and females in the following area:

males i find are less jealous of other males who might serve the same Mistress.

many females i have encountered "lay down the law" to their Doms: "what is good for me, is good for You"!!, meaning, if i have to be monogamous, so do you!!

well....i don't think it is that simple.......while monogomy is a nice gesture on the part of the Dom/me, as a submissive, one must come to grips that the Power Exchange (control) goes one way........the submissive gives the power....the Dominant accepts the power.

many female submissives dont tend to see it that way, from my perspective.

of course if monogamy IS negotiated between the parties when the power exchange is entered into, then of course it is to be adhered to by both parties, but what i am saying is, that the female submissive usually EXPECTS it, while the male submissive doesnt.

i hope my comments have added something to the discussion.

nice seeing you again, Miss Taken.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Just throwing this out, and does not necessarily believe it... one of those quick, random thoughts.

Are men are more prone to wish to "lose" themselves in their submission, and women more prone to wish to "find" themselves in their submission. What do you think?

Would this play into a male's obedience and unquestioning attitude?

I think that men read the fine print. The power exchange is negotiated. When they sign (literally or figuratively) on the dotted line, meaning when they agree to the terms of the relationship, they keep to the contract. They know if they do not, they will be dismissed. They also know they can re-negotiate cause the relationship does change over time, so there is no need to be disobedient. they also have no trouble communicating any confusion they may have about the task(s) at hand.

They do not "lose" themselves, they "find" themselves, something altogether different.

Ebony

 

[lark sparrow]

Thanks much for addressing that, Ebonyfire. But I am still wondering why there is the impression that men submit better than women lol

There I go again a questioning female sub

Another random thought, that I don't necessary believe, and plays into generalities I had, was that in general women have the power in heterosexual sex - as in when a sexual relationship will begin, the man probably being ready before they are.

Is this attitude already reinforced in men, and therefore easier and more natural? Whereas a woman is used to having more control and power in erotic exchanges?

 

[Ebonyfire]

But I am still wondering why there is the impression that men do this better than women lol

I did not say that men are better at submitting. I said they are better at submitting TO ME.

If you have the impression that I said otherwise, then then you are mistaken.

Male subs are different. Especially when it comes to service. I have read post after post from female subs telling what they will not do, even when it is not a hard limit. It is easy to do those things you like, but hard to submit when it is something you would rather not do. Males seem to be able to do unpleasant tasks and find accomplishment in them, because they have pleased their Domme.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

as far as the qualities which i seek above, i do not believe that there is much difference between male and female submissives.

from my observation post, i see a difference between males and females in the following area:

males i find are less jealous of other males who might serve the same Mistress.

many females i have encountered "lay down the law" to their Doms: "what is good for me, is good for You"!!, meaning, if i have to be monogamous, so do you!!

well....i don't think it is that simple.......while monogomy is a nice gesture on the part of the Dom/me, as a submissive, one must come to grips that the Power Exchange (control) goes one way........the submissive gives the power....the Dominant accepts the power.

many female submissives dont tend to see it that way, from my perspective.

of course if monogamy IS negotiated between the parties when the power exchange is entered into, then of course it is to be adhered to by both parties, but what i am saying is, that the female submissive usually EXPECTS it, while the male submissive doesnt.

i hope my comments have added something to the discussion.

nice seeing you again, Miss Taken.

I just scrolled up and saw your post luvsub. I tend to feel the same way you do in that I don't think men or women are particularly different in submission in general terms.

And I've been perplexed by the overwhelming experience/assertion that men submit better than women - and mulling over possible reasons, should that be true. It must have some validity as it seems to be the general consensus.

I wonder if women experiencing more jealousy and having higher expectations of monogamy has anything to do with the random thought I posted above this post.

Another random thought, that I don't necessary believe, and plays into generalities I had, was that in general women have the power in heterosexual sex - as in when a sexual relationship will begin, the man probably being ready before they are. Is this attitude already reinforced in men, and therefore easier and more natural? Whereas a woman is used to having more control and power in erotic exchanges?


I am in a relationship where Mistress is polyamorous, and it is required that I be monogomous... and I can say from a personal perspective that there have been issues of jealousies and feelings of unfairness, though the bottomline remains.

I didn't realize men would have less of an issue with this, though, it is certainly true in the case of pro Dommes and their generally male clients - they may develop a very close relationship over years, but She will always have others, it is a given, and you don't hear too many of them whine or balk about. I assumed this was because it was first a professional relationship. But... perhaps this would account for the number of men who go to pro Dommes, as opposed to the relative lack of women wo do. Men's comfort for more of a service orientated relationship.

 

[lark sparrow]

I did not say that men are better at submitting. I said they are better at submitting TO ME.

If you have the impression that I said otherwise, then then you are mistaken.

Male subs are different. Especially when it comes to service. I have read post after post from female subs telling what they will not do, even when it is not a hard limit. It is easy to do those things you like, but hard to submit when it is something you would rather not do. Males seem to be able to do unpleasant tasks and find accomplishment in them, because they have pleased their Domme.

Eb

Not at all, Ebonyfire. I'm sincerely interested in other's experiences and viewpoints. I simply never considered it before, and I am truly interested and curious - and very much appreciated your response.

 

[bunny bondage]

When the simple truth could be that Dom/mes like to direct and subs like to act? And switches like both?

very astute. actually, this theory has been applied to acting in and directing films or plays. and i've often been scrutinized with a camera while being told what to do. (on a side note, my new video camera is LOTS of fun, i'd really reccomend getting one. ) so i really see the logic in this, wd.

 

[luvsubbbbb]

<SNIP>

I didn't realize men would have less of an issue with this, though, it is certainly true in the case of pro Dommes and their generally male clients - they may develop a very close relationship over years, but She will always have others, it is a given, and you don't hear too many of them whine or balk about. I assumed this was because it was first a professional relationship. But... perhaps this would account for the number of men who go to pro Dommes, as opposed to the relative lack of women wo do. Men's comfort for more of a service orientated relationship.

Pro Dommes is a whole different thing, lark sparrow...it is a service that the Domme provides (and usually without a strong emotional attachment) and a client cannot expect monogamy unless he becomes an exclusive sugar daddy (and then the Pro Domme would be considered his spoiled "wife"!! )

 

[lark sparrow]

Pro Dommes is a whole different thing, lark sparrow...it is a service that the Domme provides (and usually without a strong emotional attachment) and a client cannot expect monogamy unless he becomes an exclusive sugar daddy (and then the Pro Domme would be considered his spoiled "wife"!! )

LOL I understand what you are saying...

Although, having been to one proDomme/BDSM educator and having a great deal of respect for her, and through cruising some boards like this one, where pro Dommes and their faithfuls gather to talk, I would say the possible depth of relationship is often under-rated by the BDSM community in general.

Here's the vague parallel:

A Domme who is more interested in service and not a TPE 24/7 in her submissives: probably does not have them live with her, nor have sexual intercourse with them, spends limited time with them, the submissive may have a wife or vanilla gf, etc.

All of this could be said for a pro Domme and her submissive long standing clients.

Where the parallel breaks down is the money. She is more the service provider, than he is.

But, if the relationship and time is limited then I think one would find it much easier to be very submissive whenever in the Domme's presence.

In reverse, how many Doms do you know that really just want a service (female) submissive which doesn't include sex? Probably not too many.

 

[luvsubbbbb]

LOL I understand what you are saying...

Although, having been to one proDomme/BDSM educator and having a great deal of respect for her, and through cruising some boards like this one, where pro Dommes and their faithfuls gather to talk, I would say the possible depth of relationship is often under-rated by the BDSM community in general.

Here's the vague parallel:

A Domme who is more interested in service and not a TPE 24/7 in her submissives: probably does not have them live with her, nor have sexual intercourse with them, spends limited time with them, the submissive may have a wife or vanilla gf, etc.

All of this could be said for a pro Domme and her submissive long standing clients.

Where the parallel breaks down is the money. She is more the service provider, than he is.

But, if the relationship and time is limited then I think one would find it much easier to be very submissive whenever in the Domme's presence.

In reverse, how many Doms do you know that really just want a service (female) submissive which doesn't include sex? Probably not too many.

i agree with your comments about male Doms....and thats because it is very unusual for a male Dom to be hired by a female sub......in service submissive scenarios, it usually is training only...NOT a personal relationship...


i actually had a personal relationship with a Pro Domme a few years back......spent most of the summer with her...i was not Her client and no $$$ exchanged hands

She used me to serve her in ways that Her clients did not...and the dynamic worked for all concerned.......

it was mostly service, domestic and personal.....and was also an emotional relationship on both sides, but that was because it was a personal relationship, and NOT a professional one.......

 

[lark sparrow]

i agree with your comments about male Doms....and thats because it is very unusual for a male Dom to be hired by a female sub......in service submissive scenarios, it usually is training only...NOT a personal relationship...


i actually had a personal relationship with a Pro Domme a few years back......spent most of the summer with her...i was not Her client and no $$$ exchanged hands

She used me to serve her in ways that Her clients did not...and the dynamic worked for all concerned.......

it was mostly service, domestic and personal.....and was also an emotional relationship on both sides, but that was because it was a personal relationship, and NOT a professional one.......

Must have been an interesting experience.

Yes... so does this tie into women having more power/control sexually over men? The peacock of the human species.

Do you think this would partially explain why a woman would be able to be a Pro Domme, or not and have strictly service submissives... one of the reasons submissive men find it easier to submit, appreciate and not demand... one of the reasons submissive women may struggle, question and demand more from their Doms?

 

[maddi]

Am I a bad submissive then?

I question, and sometimes I disobey, and I re-negotiate all the time? Some of this is because we are in an intensive period of learning but other times I just disobey to see if he will follow through? Othertimes I honestly forgot a new rule.

I do not know many others in the lifestyle and as said earlier

Are men are more prone to wish to "lose" themselves in their submission, and women more prone to wish to "find" themselves in their submission. What do you think?

I think that I am still finding myself.


Also I do expect a treat. I do expect a great orgasm and I would be a terrible service only slave because I hate housework.


I must give female subs a bad name. I guess that is why I am hear to learn how the "real world" operates.

Thanks for listening.

Also luvsub, I enjoyed listening to your comments also very insightful.


Maddi

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Am I a bad submissive then?

I question, and sometimes I disobey, and I re-negotiate all the time? Some of this is because we are in an intensive period of learning but other times I just disobey to see if he will follow through? Othertimes I honestly forgot a new rule.

I do not know many others in the lifestyle and as said earlier



I think that I am still finding myself.


Also I do expect a treat. I do expect a great orgasm and I would be a terrible service only slave because I hate housework.


I must give female subs a bad name. I guess that is why I am hear to learn how the "real world" operates.

Thanks for listening.

Also luvsub, I enjoyed listening to your comments also very insightful.


Maddi

First of all Maddi I would think that most if not all D/s relationships have some sort of re-nogotiation if they are to grow and remain viable.

However, the issue of disobedience is more serious. I personally would question any sub of mine's commitment to the the relationship if he was willfully disobedient. It would not be tolerated, and the relationship would be terminated. But I just described Me and my relationships. So if you and your Dom are happy, why would you care what anyone else thinks?

Eb

 

[amsubone]

Do male subs look for affection and romance?

I imagine it is an individualized thing, but I am curious.

Yes, i look for both.

Primarily, i believe, because approval comes with them and that is one of the reasons i desire to please my Mistress. In fact, approval may be one of my primary motivations.

 

[sorority_girl]

Re: Am I a bad submissive then?

Also I do expect a treat. I do expect a great orgasm and I would be a terrible service only slave because I hate housework.
I must give female subs a bad name.

I expect a treat. I'm a reluctant switch... I'm training my beloved completely vanilla SO to be a Dom, mostly in the spanking/discipline arena. He initially said that BDSM was a bit too kinky for him- but one night I spanked him and he nearly passed out with orgasm. He's been returning the favor ever since.

I'd be a great service-only slave- housework is so calming, especially other people's.

I think I'm the one that gives female subs a bad name - I want to be submissive but I'm in a committed relationship with an almost wholly vanilla guy.

Originally posted by Miss Taken
Do male subs look for affection and romance?

I imagine it is an individualized thing, but I am curious.

I think that very few generalizations about emotions can be reliably made about subs. That, of course, is in itself a generalization. (sigh.) As I posted above, I've attempted to introduce BDSM into my longstanding relationship as opposed to looking outside the relationship.

It hasn't been easy; my SO has a considerably lower sex drive than I do, and he was a virgin before I met him. But as we explore our limits, our relationship gets better. I do not think that d/s can be successful without affection, at least. I have no doubt that the dynamic is different in many relationships.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Am I a bad submissive then?

I But as we explore our limits, our relationship gets better. I do not think that d/s can be successful without affection, at least. I have no doubt that the dynamic is different in many relationships.

Do you find that you communicate more since you have introduced BDSM into your relationship?

Eb

 

[sorority_girl]

Re: Re: Re: Am I a bad submissive then?

Do you find that you communicate more since you have introduced BDSM into your relationship?

Eb

Yes. It's given me a way to express preferences.
We acted like twelve year olds when we went to an "adult" store (yay pr0n) and spent a paycheck each - and we still haven't finished trying out everything.

If we hadn't started exploring something other than missionary and cuddling, we wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.

SG

 

[pierced_boy]

Bump

Fuck you killswitch

 

[P. B. Walker]

Uhhh... you got the right thread pierced?

PBW "I'll have what he's having"

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Bump

Fuck you killswitch

Who the hell is killswitch?

Eb

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Re: Bump

Who the hell is killswitch?

Eb

Good question.


Helena