guilt from pleasure

[Kajira Callista]

Point me to the switch and I will try to turn it off.

Haven't seen you around much...missed ya.

been busy with mommy stuff

 

[h_i_s]

Exactly the same way I feel, and exactly what I was going to say

i DO know how that goes.
i can't count just how many times i have read through some of the first replies to different threads only to decide that i need not reply, as it has already been said.

 

[madetobeme]

all for one

Isn't it great that we're all thinking alike?!?

The lit bunch is just the best...I feel a group hug coming on!

 

[TaintedB]

Some people are just made for oral servitude. *shrug* You must give off vibes.

Or else my cunt resembles Godzilla so much it scares 'em all away.

 

[kayte]

i understand the guilt.

i was very confused the first time my Master pleasured me in this way. my thoughts at that moment, "Hey! -- Oooh, god that feels so good. -- Why is He doing this? i'm supposed to be the one pleasuring HIM. -- Ooooo .. errmm ... right there, yes! -- i think i need to discuss this with Him ....... later. -- Oooo ............".

We DID discuss it. Funny thing is, the explaination He gave was so simple, really:
When He pleasures me orally, He receives great pleasure simply in observing my reactions & responses. He finds His property to be physically attractive, and loves watching. He takes great pleasure in being capable of arousing me, and enjoys observing every bit of evidence of, & every step of that arousal as it grows.

The feelings of guilt were easily put aside as soon as i began to understand this.

What she said!!

My Sir loves to use the rope and all of the other "devices" and to watch how I respond. He says that gives him great pleasure to do so.

I too have learned to enjoy being "done to" by Him as much as I enjoy the privilege of being permitted to serve Him.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip>...I feel a group hug coming on!

I don't participate in group hugs much. Group gropes - yes.

 

[Inna]

Are you kidding?

I have no guilt when receiving this pleasure. And why should I?
I am more than willing to reciprocate when it becomes my turn. In the mean time I lay back and let him know how much I love him being there.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Group gropes - yes.

Shall we pass on the gropes and go for a masosub hanging by her wrists and a shoulder harness from the ceiling, spinning slowly in the middle of the room presenting multiple angles of attack for as many of us that choose to view, or (at least in my case) strike?

If nothing else, i've got a bowl of leftover old maids from the popcorn last night to plink on the presented body.

 

[JamesSD]

Sounds familiar

Please forgive me if this topic has been raised before, but I have this terrible feeling of guilt when my SO is going down on me or doing other things that essentially are for the benefit of my pleasure.

I know that there is also pleasure taken when it is given but I still have this terrible feeling of guilt that he is "doing too much for me" or something like that. It is actually a difficult feeling to describe and I'm usually thinking about the guilt more than enjoying the pleasure of the moment.

Does anyone else feel like this or is it only me?

My girlfriend has at least partially expressed this sentiment.

Everyone's relationship is pretty different, especially when you get into D/s. We're fairly "light" as far as the spectrum goes.

That said, our solution is fairly straightforward. Her submission involves surrendering control and decision making. It's my priveledge to go down on her as long as I want to. She doesn't get to second guess my decision to make her feel good. From a psychological standpoint I remove her guilt about her sexual pleasure by "forcing" her.
Bondage does go a long way in this regard too. In addition to looking incredibly sexy when tied, it largely frees her from worrying about pleasing me.

As someone else said, it brings him pleasure to make you feel good. You can resist if you want, but I think it's better just to let go and allow yourself to feel good.

 

[madetobeme]

It's my priveledge to go down on her as long as I want to. She doesn't get to second guess my decision to make her feel good. From a psychological standpoint I remove her guilt about her sexual pleasure by "forcing" her.
Bondage does go a long way in this regard too. In addition to looking incredibly sexy when tied, it largely frees her from worrying about pleasing me.

Thanks JamesSD for your comments.

I have been trying to tell myself that it is his choice to go down on me, and it is, because I never ask him too, but I still get this sneaking feeling that he's doing it *for* me-which brings on the guilt trip again.

As everyone has so kindly suggested, I know I should try to relax and just enjoy it, but it is easier said than done.

 

[Rubyb]

Thanks JamesSD for your comments.

I have been trying to tell myself that it is his choice to go down on me, and it is, because I never ask him too, but I still get this sneaking feeling that he's doing it *for* me-which brings on the guilt trip again.

As everyone has so kindly suggested, I know I should try to relax and just enjoy it, but it is easier said than done.

Yes, it is easier said than done. Communication here is key. What does he get off on when he's getting you off? Does he like to watch your face,
feel you wiggle, know that you are under his control, like to make you come, etc.?

The more you know about his likes, the easier it is to surrender to him guilt free.

Another way to look at it is:

He is giving and taking. You are giving and receiving.

If you want to increase your awareness of your role, you
might try changing positions.

For example, if you've got a bed of a reasonable height, you might
try laying on your back and hanging your head off the edge.
(Use your shoulders for support.)

He stands in front of you. His erection goes into your mouth.
He lowers himself and can taste you in a standing 69.
In this position he also has access to you with toys,
his hands, etc for many games.
If you don't like to be tied, you can have your hands hoding his thighs or bottom.

A position like this increases your pleasure, because you can be "servicing" him, while he is "playing" with you.

Sometimes all it takes is a dramtic position like this to push those
feelings of guilt out of the way and let your feelings of submission/surrender
take over.

To your mutual pleasure,

Ruby

 

[madetobeme]

Yes, it is easier said than done. Communication here is key. What does he get off on when he's getting you off? Does he like to watch your face,
feel you wiggle, know that you are under his control, like to make you come, etc.?

The more you know about his likes, the easier it is to surrender to him guilt free.

Another way to look at it is:

He is giving and taking. You are giving and receiving.

If you want to increase your awareness of your role, you
might try changing positions.

For example, if you've got a bed of a reasonable height, you might
try laying on your back and hanging your head off the edge.
(Use your shoulders for support.)

He stands in front of you. His erection goes into your mouth.
He lowers himself and can taste you in a standing 69.
In this position he also has access to you with toys,
his hands, etc for many games.
If you don't like to be tied, you can have your hands hoding his thighs or bottom.

A position like this increases your pleasure, because you can be "servicing" him, while he is "playing" with you.

Sometimes all it takes is a dramtic position like this to push those
feelings of guilt out of the way and let your feelings of submission/surrender
take over.

To your mutual pleasure,

Ruby

Thanks Ruby for that very detailed post. I intend to explore "our mutual pleasure" at the first chance I get. I think someone also suggested this hanging-off-the-bed position for stopping the gag reflex when deep-throating..great! There's nothing better than a multi-purpose position.

Communication is indeed the key. I've never actually asked him what he enjoys about going down on me (maybe some part of me is afraid he's going to answer "because you enjoy it") Thanks again for your wisdom

 

[ownedsubgal]

Please forgive me if this topic has been raised before, but I have this terrible feeling of guilt when my SO is going down on me or doing other things that essentially are for the benefit of my pleasure.

I know that there is also pleasure taken when it is given but I still have this terrible feeling of guilt that he is "doing too much for me" or something like that. It is actually a difficult feeling to describe and I'm usually thinking about the guilt more than enjoying the pleasure of the moment.

Does anyone else feel like this or is it only me?

madetobeme

no it's not only you. i too have always felt this way...extreme guilt whenever anyone is focused on trying to please me, especially in a sexual way. it's why i have never or could never enjoy having oral sex performed on me...i mean, a man is below you physically, usually trying to give you pleasure. it's excruciating...and not in a good way. for me, it doesn't help knowing that it may please a particular man to bring me pleasure...if anything, that only intensifies the guilty feelings because i know that nothing he does will get the desired response from me. when it comes to sex, i just want to serve or be used utterly selfishly. anything else and i'm overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety and don't know what to do.

 

[shy slave]

Please forgive me if this topic has been raised before, but I have this terrible feeling of guilt when my SO is going down on me or doing other things that essentially are for the benefit of my pleasure.

I know that there is also pleasure taken when it is given but I still have this terrible feeling of guilt that he is "doing too much for me" or something like that. It is actually a difficult feeling to describe and I'm usually thinking about the guilt more than enjoying the pleasure of the moment.

Does anyone else feel like this or is it only me?

madetobeme

WOW Aeroil quoted me from another thread...

I think its fairly common knowledge that i HATE recieving oral but other things that give pleasure usually give him pleasure too.

For example being hurt at the point of orgasm gives me a great deal of pleasure but he appears to enjoy watching it happen.

I do feel guiltly if he chooses to spend time licking me, I really dislike that but that is partly due to the sensation it gives me and partly due to guilt. I also dislike immediate 'aftercare' when he has finished inflicting a session of pain, I need a few minutes alone to gather myself ~ put me in a corner and leave me to crawl out when I am ready ~ then I want his arms around me, but immediately afterwards its just too intense for me to cope with anything. I need time to gather the remnants of my mind that have been scattered. I know this is difficult for him as he sees it as part of the care and attention he should give me. For me, aftercare, following an intense time, goes deeper than guilt it really makes me feel as though he is trying to apologise for something we both wanted (ok, I admit that sounds wierd *shrug*). To confuse things even further, aftercare at any time makes me feel guilty but sometimes I want it after a session providing it has not been a pain filled session.

Abrasion on my back however sends me into a warm space and time and my mind is so full of how the sensations feel I cannot cope with any thought process including guilt.When this happens i just feel guilty later as oppose to at the time.

Perhaps you could explore further and discover ways if there are ways he can give you pleasure that pushes all guilt thoughts (and every other thought) from your mind.

I know from other threads that so many pyls feel guilty about the attention their PYLs give them before, during and after a session.

Madetobeme ~ Its definately NOT 'only you'

 

[shy slave]

Shall we pass on the gropes and go for a masosub hanging by her wrists and a shoulder harness from the ceiling, spinning slowly in the middle of the room presenting multiple angles of attack for as many of us that choose to view, or (at least in my case) strike?

If nothing else, i've got a bowl of leftover old maids from the popcorn last night to plink on the presented body.

I am intrigued as to where you anticipate the old maids may land ?

 

[shy slave]

I have no guilt when receiving this pleasure. And why should I?
I am more than willing to reciprocate when it becomes my turn. In the mean time I lay back and let him know how much I love him being there.

I keep returning to this quote

I cant help but wonder if other people in D/s relationships see it as equal sharing, taking turns and give and take.

I just don't see BDSM in this way

Any switches able to shed some light on this for me?

Or Inna can you explain how that works in your relationship...are you a PYL or a pyl or neither?

 

[h_i_s]

I cant help but wonder if other people in D/s relationships see it as equal sharing, taking turns and give and take.

The two in this D/s relationship do not see it as equal, nor is it anything about taking turns. Sure, there is give and take. In this D/s relationship HE is the one who ALWAYS decides who is giving what, and who is taking it. i am the one to agree with that decision, and to obey His decisions, regardless.

I just don't see BDSM in this way

While i do understand that everyone has their own definition of what BDSM is to them, and all take from it what they choose and toss the rest that does not apply to their fetish/kink/pleasure ........ i don't see it that way either ... at least not in THIS D/s relationship.

i suppose it is whatever any particular individual decides it should be for THEMSELVES within THEIR relationship.

 

[laurel-marie]

The two in this D/s relationship do not see it as equal, nor is it anything about taking turns. Sure, there is give and take. In this D/s relationship HE is the one who ALWAYS decides who is giving what, and who is taking it. i am the one to agree with that decision, and to obey His decisions, regardless.

Perfectly said sinn0cent1.
I could not even fathom being able to give him equal to what he gives me.

 

[kayte]

The two in this D/s relationship do not see it as equal, nor is it anything about taking turns. Sure, there is give and take. In this D/s relationship HE is the one who ALWAYS decides who is giving what, and who is taking it. i am the one to agree with that decision, and to obey His decisions, regardless.


While i do understand that everyone has their own definition of what BDSM is to them, and all take from it what they choose and toss the rest that does not apply to their fetish/kink/pleasure ........ i don't see it that way either ... at least not in THIS D/s relationship.

i suppose it is whatever any particular individual decides it should be for THEMSELVES within THEIR relationship.

Your last line says it all. It is what we make it for ourselves, what works for my Sir and I.

Just as what works for you and your PYL.

 

[JazzManJim]

Perfectly said sinn0cent1.
I could not even fathom being able to give him equal to what he gives me.

And yet I suspect you do.

From a Dom's point of view, sinnocent has things pretty much on the beam. I do what I do because I want to do it, because it pleases me to do it. Having a submissive repeatedly question why I'm doing it, especially as I'm doing it, tells me that she doesn't trust me to know what I want and what will please me at any given time. That would bother me if it kept coming up and it would be grouds for a pretty long talk.

Having said that, giving oral is fun for me because sometimes I prefer to give and give and give. Ask you Doms how much fun it can be to have a submissive cum until she can't so much as roll over on the bed.

 

[shy slave]

The two in this D/s relationship do not see it as equal, nor is it anything about taking turns. Sure, there is give and take. In this D/s relationship HE is the one who ALWAYS decides who is giving what, and who is taking it. i am the one to agree with that decision, and to obey His decisions, regardless.


While i do understand that everyone has their own definition of what BDSM is to them, and all take from it what they choose and toss the rest that does not apply to their fetish/kink/pleasure ........ i don't see it that way either ... at least not in THIS D/s relationship.

i suppose it is whatever any particular individual decides it should be for THEMSELVES within THEIR relationship.

Like the others i agree with you, I just Inna would come and explain what they meant so I could understand a D/s relationship that was like they have said. Then again maybe I am 'jumping the gun' it may not be a D/s relationship.

 

[Rubyb]

madetobeme - you are most welcome, I hope it helps.

I too went throught the guilt thing and came out of it guilt free.
Why? He didn't want me to feel guilty. He wanted me to feel pleasure.
The guilt interfered with his gift to me.

I keep returning to this quote

I cant help but wonder if other people in D/s relationships see it as equal sharing, taking turns and give and take.

I just don't see BDSM in this way

Any switches able to shed some light on this for me?

Or Inna can you explain how that works in your relationship...are you a PYL or a pyl or neither?

All - Let's try this again, and see if I can help clear up the confusion.

In a D/S relationship, one is the dom and the other is the sub.

One is giving and taking. The other is giving and receiving.
One is taking charge. The other gives them the power to be in charge.
One is giving the commands. The other chooses to follow those commands.
One is giving gifts of pain, pleasure, bondage, etc. The other is receiving those gifts.

Each gains pleasure from his/her role. If you're feeling guilty from that pleasure, forgive yourself and do your best to let it go. Guilt has no place in a healthy relationship.

If you're into playing roles and switching from scene to scene, then each person assumes the role for that scene and usually keeps that role until the scene is complete.

For many couples living a D/S relationship, the roles don't change. Ever.
By their choice. See sinn0cent1's answer as an example for her perspective.

Since my lifemate and I occasionally switch roles, our relationship is a bit different, but in the end, he is the dom and I am the sub. Mistress Ruby doesn't get to come out to play very often. And when she does, it's his choice.

JazzManJim likes to give and give and give. His submissive is then in the role of doing lots of receiving. She is also giving him her pleasure, giving him her submission, and giving him the power to turn her into an exhausted partner. Yet she is not taking anything from him. JazzManJim, on the other hand, is taking control.

(Go JazzManJim! More power to you.)

Every relationship is different and you have to find out what works best for yours.

 

[Etoile]

I have at times been told to make myself come. Daddy always watches me while I do this, so I assume that it is for eir visual enjoyment - that seeing me focusing so hard on making this happen (and it is difficult due to some meds I take), and seeing the expressions on my face as I do it, are what e's looking for. I usually keep my eyes closed because I'm embarrassed by him looking at me; he has never told me to look at him while I do it. At these times, the usual orgasm restrictions are lifted. Normally I am not to manually rub my own clit at any time, I am not to have an orgasm without something in my ass, etc. - but those restrictions sometimes mean that I don't achieve orgasm (and if I don't, too bad) but when the orgasm is what Daddy wants, I am allowed to do it in the way that works best for me. This lifting of the restrictions alone brings a mixture of relief and guilt - relief in that it will be easy for me to succeed at what I'm being asked to do, and guilt that I am "breaking the rules" even though I've been told they are temporarily suspended.

 

[serijules]

I have at times been told to make myself come. Daddy always watches me while I do this, so I assume that it is for eir visual enjoyment - that seeing me focusing so hard on making this happen (and it is difficult due to some meds I take), and seeing the expressions on my face as I do it, are what e's looking for. I usually keep my eyes closed because I'm embarrassed by him looking at me; he has never told me to look at him while I do it. At these times, the usual orgasm restrictions are lifted. Normally I am not to manually rub my own clit at any time, I am not to have an orgasm without something in my ass, etc. - but those restrictions sometimes mean that I don't achieve orgasm (and if I don't, too bad) but when the orgasm is what Daddy wants, I am allowed to do it in the way that works best for me. This lifting of the restrictions alone brings a mixture of relief and guilt - relief in that it will be easy for me to succeed at what I'm being asked to do, and guilt that I am "breaking the rules" even though I've been told they are temporarily suspended.

Etoile! Nice to see you here.

I can relate to this. I am not allowed to orgasm without D's permission, and most of the time she is either with me, or listening to it on the phone and directing it on text messages or on chat or something...but one way or another, she is usually directly involved in all my orgasms. At times, she will leave me a message allowing me to orgasm in the shower, or when I wake up as our schedules clash horribly and there are times we don't get to see each other for days.

I have a really hard time enjoying those orgasms without feeling guilty, even though I AM allowed them and have permission...because she is not hearing them, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and always have a lingering sense of guilt. It can be rather annoying to feel that because I really want to enjoy those orgasms! LOL....but...I like the feeling of devotion that it brings me too.

 

[Netzach]

I've never seen going down as inherently submissive, although it took me a while to get over other people's issues. I like pussy, cock is amusing and I enjoy using my teeth as implements of torment and intimidation. If sweet thang is lying there in a state of confusion, so much the better, she can just lie there and suffer until I'm done.

Query: is XX-XX going down somehow more "active" than XY-XX? We have the lesbian stud stereotype with the ever-knowing tongue that can make any femme reciever melt...there's not really a hetero equivalent, is there?