Gunsmoke

[Angeline]

We need a third judge or it's a tie. A tie is fine, but we usually have three judges. Perhaps Charley, who ~ahem~ started the thread, could vote.

Either way, three wonderful poems drafted in an hour. That's the best part.

 

[DeepAsleep]

Give me some more time to pick thru these - if you'll accept me as a judge.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

You're silly. I had flexeril when I first hurt my knee, since I hurt my leg and my back, too. I can't possibly take the little jelly-makers. I find that they dissolve my bones and my wakefulness. You should have offered before we started shooting.

You are too right about that. Clearly you were neither crippled nor drugged enough... I shoulda broke out the flex, the scotch and mebbe some ether for you right at the start.

I spose it's the equivalent of makin' you shoot with yer left hand. Or right, if, oh hell, I don't know, now I'm just brain dead.

If someone had come into the shop during that last half hour I'd have screamed, "GET OUT!" at them without hesitation. Perhaps this isn't the wisest sort of thing for me to do during shop hours.

Where's our third judge? Where's Charlie, who started all this? You can't just yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse and then run off...

I think I just want the boobie prize for merely attempting it. For somebody who takes a year to write anything, this was a motherfuckin stretch.

bj

edited to add: DA's post slid in above while I was still trying to get my fingers to type my post. So only the question of Charlie remains.

 

[champagne1982]

I'd forgotten we were both wounded. Are you sure you don't want to share a plot upbj? We can invite everyone for a pharmparty.

DA... vote away dahling!

The beauty of this gunfight was it's impromptu disorganization. I think I'd welcome anyone to give us a vote as long as the reasons for their choices are clearly outlined in their post.

p.s. upbj, I think TeeZed want's us to have a muck-off rasslin' match...

 

[DeepAsleep]

Hmm. If you can wait five more minutes, I want to read through these again.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I'd forgotten we were both wounded. Are you sure you don't want to share a plot upbj? We can invite everyone for a pharmparty.

DA... vote away dahling!

The beauty of this gunfight was it's impromptu disorganization. I think I'd welcome anyone to give us a vote as long as the reasons for their choices are clearly outlined in their post.

p.s. upbj, I think TeeZed want's us to have a muck-off rasslin' match...

*aside to DA* I'm not personally in any hurry. I'll be here for at least another hour or so before I go to dinner.

TZ seems to have... well, certain predictable aesthetics. And Champ darlin', even if it's only a hole in the ground, I'd still be all up next to you, and I'm rather fond of that idea...

Between your knee and my finger, there will probably be more "ouch...wait... um..." than "o baby yeah" but perhaps we'll manage.

bj

 

[DeepAsleep]

1


Complementary

A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids
and in that mock fatality we see the waves
of subtle color made by our release
of sight into each other's fiercest gaze. (good line.)
Eye upon bright eye, the way you see
me now is through the red and juicy haze
that is the vision of your cock's bright eye, (hmm.)
as pressing into me you burn like sun (...hmm.)
as seen through my closed eyes, a shaft of light. (nice wrap up.)



A foam of music falls over the ears.
The sight of you in arch and howl becomes
a sound, a wave break on the rocky coast (Nice.)
of bone and glass, the boundary of skin. (Nicer.)
We are a choir, unison but split
by octaves, you a profound base and I, (Hmm.)
the lilting sculpture of a high descant (Descant is a great word.)
as underneath me you support my rise (Hmm.)
and accent my last crying with your own
Deep tone. It is a joyful chorus, yet it seems
also the song of mourners for the dead. (NICE.)


It is the gong of the orgasm.
As it sounds,
it tolls a final moment just before
we part again to be our four-staffed selves
and not the eight-winged soul before the fall. (Nice.)
It is the gong of death, as well, of sleep
in separate bodies, till we come again
to sing our sight alive in counterpoint
and in these visions recognize ourselves.[/QUOTE]


Overall: Rough (No points against you for that, all things considered.) But good. I had some problems with some of your lines, style of phrasing, etc. Hmm.


2


..I get numb and go in
though the dry ground will not hold
.......the few dry swirls of snow
and it must not be very cold.
A friend asks how you've been
.........and I don't know

I get numb and go in though the dry ground
means the freeze has come with winter's
first flakes and if the sun appears
to warm this spot I shall melt and the dirt

will not hold the few dry swirls of snow
and it must not be very cold. Not cold
enough to ease the path scalded on my cheeks
against the hollow wind scything briars
to chorus carols that he will come but you...

A friend asks how you've been and I
don't know the answer. It's too long
since you've been here as if the sun
forgot to wipe away the clouds and the wind
the words to the carol that you'll come again
.....but I don't hope.


Nice. Nice. Some burps, and etc., but not bad at all.

Can I give you both a vote? I don't want to knife thru this one. Call a draw?

 

[Tzara]

TZ seems to have... well, certain predictable aesthetics.

Yes, but an aesthetics finely wrought.

 

[DeepAsleep]

Humph. I feel wishy washy, and that sucks.

On the basis of the difficulty of th quotes chosen, I give Bijou a vote.

And, so there. Sorry, Champy, I liked your poem.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Yes, but an aesthetics finely wrought.

over-wrought, even.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Humph. I feel wishy washy, and that sucks.

On the basis of the difficulty of th quotes chosen, I give Bijou a vote.

And, so there. Sorry, Champy, I liked your poem.

Too late. I am already dead of a massive heart attack.

golly. well, the truth is, if champ had been firing on even half her cylinders she'd have kicked my ass. A tie is perfectly okay with me too, but since this is the ONLY time I will EVER do this, maybe we can say Champ deliberately aimed at the streetlight or something.

I think she kicked my ass anyway. but I can't help but be sorta pleased.

golly.

bj

 

[champagne1982]

DA, that's a fine choice (I liked upbj's too, plus she said cock ).

My casket shall be lined with boughs
fresh as the northern wind
coloured with the glow of aurora
and soft as the new growth of spring.

Bury me not on the bald prairie,
but instead among the boreal trees
hear at the edge of dark
my answer to coyote's call.

 

[Angeline]

It's a good thing either way. We haven't done that in a while.

I've done the gunfight a few times and it's not for the fainthearted.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

DA, that's a fine choice (I liked upbj's too, plus she said cock ).

lol!
*giggling madly*

My casket shall be lined with boughs
fresh as the northern wind
coloured with the glow of aurora
and soft as the new growth of spring.

Bury me not on the bald prairie,
but instead among the boreal trees
hear at the edge of dark
my answer to coyote's call.

There, ya see? You win anyway.

o bury me not
on the wide prairie
nor in the yard
nor out at sea

don't plant me in
the stony ground
or make for me
a viking mound

not in the park
or a flowerbed,
the thing is, dear,
that I'm not dead.

This challenge has officially made me retarded. You'll find me larking about in the yard making speeches to the Academy.

bj

 

[Tzara]

This challenge has officially made me retarded. You'll find me larking about in the yard making speeches to the Academy.

bj

Now don't go getting all Sally Field on us. I have you pegged as more Cher.



That Glosa thing is hard.

 

[tungtied2u]

I'd be glad to be a judge....or anything else with the proper persuasion.
Just let me know when you are all ready....

and of course, a preview of your gunfighting ensemble's would be much appreciated...

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Now don't go getting all Sally Field on us. I have you pegged as more Cher.



That Glosa thing is hard.

Think Jack Palance. duh.

yeah I was thinking about challenging the general bunch to keep this glosa thing going for a while. It was... um... an interesting challenge.

Off to practice my one-armed pushups.

bj

 

[tungtied2u]

Sorry....somehow I came in on the wrong planet...you guys are already done...
you probably have already had the undertaker here, haven't you ?

My apologies for my airheadedness...

 

[Angeline]

Think Jack Palance. duh.

yeah I was thinking about challenging the general bunch to keep this glosa thing going for a while. It was... um... an interesting challenge.

Off to practice my one-armed pushups.

bj

I have to admit I like Glosas. I've written a few of them. This one is my favorite:

Glosa on Coole Park

But now they drift on the still water
Mysterious, beautiful;
Among what rushes will they build,
By what lake’s edge or pool
Delight men’s eyes, when I awake some day
To find they have flown away?
~ William Butler Yeats, The Wild Swans at Coole

But now they drift on the still water
Where once they rushed in tides,
Silenced by a distant daughter,
Lake’s mistress who abides

Mysterious, beautiful,
Laurel crown and empty hands.
Is this prison? Was she dutiful,
Married to the stands

Among what rushes they will build
Their nests, companionable in pairs,
While she alone and wise, stilled
By moon ennui declares

By what lake’s edge or pool
She might have made her home,
Or known how gentler rule
Might keep her safe as starlight’s dome

Delights men’s eyes, When I awake some day
From ancient dreams to find that dawn
Reveals a feather, will I shake away
Sleep from my limbs, and with a yawn

Exhale memories, unfold these wings
To flight, release hope to another day
And soar skyward as hours cling
To find they have flown away?

 

[champagne1982]

I was just thinking. Why did DA feel sorry for liking my poem? ... <sob>

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

My clock is showing 5:41. Put your pens down and turn your exam books over.

Tesse? Wanna help judge? Please?

Sorry I missed this before, Ange, but I couldn't have stuck around to judge anyway. I'm glad #3 appeared just in time.

I'm kinda relieved I didn't have to choose, both pieces are so good. Well done both!

It's good to have a gunfight once in a while....now, what was that about mud wrestling?

 

[The_Fool]

I always miss out on the fun.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Had to leave suddenly yesterday and today I won't be around. I fully expect to see some glosa(e?)(s?) in here tomorrow, y'all.

it's not that hard. really. honest. It's only hard if you're trying to do it in an hour and you're up against a demigoddess. drugged or not.

Ange, yours is lovely by the way. A fine choice of texte.

today is magick chicken soup day. I'll be at home practicing my yiddish and making noodles.

xo
bj

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I was just thinking. Why did DA feel sorry for liking my poem? ... <sob>

Because we're all jealous of your skills and we'd rather just feel hateful and vindictive, but you're too cute and sweet-tempered for anyone to really dislike. Or maybe it's that reverse-pity thing where you don't want to admit that a cripple's poetry is good because everyone will think you're just saying that because the poet is a cripple, but sometimes it's actually good anyway.

theory number 37: DA is practicing to be a curmudgeon and doesn't want to like anyone's anything. But sometimes he can't help it.

i dunno. I haven't had any coffee yet so I'll probably regret this whole incoherent post, but there it is.

I liked it and i'm not sorry either.

xx
bj

 

[Angeline]

Had to leave suddenly yesterday and today I won't be around. I fully expect to see some glosa(e?)(s?) in here tomorrow, y'all.

it's not that hard. really. honest. It's only hard if you're trying to do it in an hour and you're up against a demigoddess. drugged or not.

Ange, yours is lovely by the way. A fine choice of texte.

today is magick chicken soup day. I'll be at home practicing my yiddish and making noodles.

xo
bj

Thank you. Can't go much wrong with Yeats. There is a poet who hasn't been here a while who told me I have a "Yeats Affection." Or maybe it was a "Yeats Infection." I forget. (Did I make you snort?)