Happly Married...

[KinkyGAGuy]

Ok this is totally off subject, but Liz, I could so see those feet and shoes on my shoulders!

Sometimes it is just best to have a flirty conversation with someone else to get the juices flowing at home. I think we forget this as human beings. It is so very nice to be desired by someone other than your significant other. I mean it is a good security to know that your partner still desires you, but sometimes it is just a feel good to get someone else to desire you as well.

The next step after that is solely based on your morals.

I am allowed to flirt, I am allowed to flirt in her presence. With her approval, maybe more, but it is nice to get all hot an bothered then go home with my partner and fuck. Even she says, sometimes when we are fucking, she isn't thinking about me fucking her, and she expects that I don't always think about her.

 

[36524]

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[Pink_Milkmaid]

When I was younger, I had trouble separating fucking from loving. I didn't want to separate them, in fact. But now, I'm at a different point in my life, and I can definitely separate the two. However, I think the "surprise your partner with a third" idea only really works if the partner is a)into the idea and b) also shares your views. Mine doesn't, so it doesn't really matter that *I* can separate the two things. He chooses not to, and I think it's also the case that when you have someone with a low adventure/sexual activity desire that their definition of "this would help" is vastly different than that of the person with high adventure/sexual activity needs. Unfortunately. And yes, lit DOES help. Me at least.

 

[newhere2learn]

Yes, we're seeing eye to eye on this.

Definitely an outlier reason such as an illness, etc. that precludes an individual from pursuing a sexual life themselves whether they want to or not trumps the partner's desires and wishes. A "simple" unwillingness or stubbornness or refusal to particulate or attempt to find an answer in the fullness of a marriage is a problem that should be worked on together but is frequently not.

Agree. All manner of things can affect libido so why would one simply cheat or walk away on an otherwise happy marriage?

 

[newhere2learn]

I would say "monogamously" is generally what's in question. Again, people have their own ideas for what this means, too.

Don't take this personally but the way you write underlines my point re: predudiced audience.

You obviously have strong beliefs, and that naturally shapes your view.

 

[LizVegas79]

I think the "surprise your partner with a third" idea only really works if the partner is a)into the idea and b) also shares your views.

Absolutely.

It seems like one thing we're all sort of agreeing on .... but talking around ... is that open, honest communication is the basis for any healthy relationship. Right?

 

[36524]

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[mrspank30]

Absolutely.

It seems like one thing we're all sort of agreeing on .... but talking around ... is that open, honest communication is the basis for any healthy relationship. Right?

It is unless we know our spouse could never embrace it. Then it would do more harm then good if we push the idea further then they are ready to explore.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

Absolutely.

It seems like one thing we're all sort of agreeing on .... but talking around ... is that open, honest communication is the basis for any healthy relationship. Right?

Oh absolutely. Talking is key. And talking lets you find some areas of compromise that you might not have expected and may mitigate some guilt. But there is something to knowing when and what to bring up--like I bring up stuff that I know we can address and that may help me to feel better about things. I'm not going to bring up stuff that freaks him out and that there's not really potential for compromise on. If that makes sense.

 

[LizVegas79]

Oh absolutely. Talking is key. And talking lets you find some areas of compromise that you might not have expected and may mitigate some guilt. But there is something to knowing when and what to bring up--like I bring up stuff that I know we can address and that may help me to feel better about things. I'm not going to bring up stuff that freaks him out and that there's not really potential for compromise on. If that makes sense.

Totally.

Everyone always talks about the fragile egos of women. But, at least in my experience, I think men have egos just as fragile.

Knowing where and when to bring up certain topics is a delicate dance I think every wife who loves her husband plays.

Unfortunately, every husband who loves his wife usually just blurts out whatever is on his mind whenever and wherever he feels like it.

But ... we still love them.

 

[ConflictedOne]

Thanks for all the great replies so far!

 

[fullservice65]

Do you think it's possible to be happily married but still very frustrated with your sex life?

Yes. Except for the (lack of) sex, all's good!

 

[Sigmund7]

Yes. Except for the (lack of) sex, all's good!

I have to agree. Over the years Ms. Sigmund's sex drive has flagged - which is part of the reason I'm online in a sexual discussion forum. On the other hand, the rest is great and the sex isn't bad, just not as central to our lives as it once was and not as central as I would like.

 

[newgentleguy]

Do you think it's possible to be happily married but still very frustrated with your sex life?

yes i do... and the more i learn to enjoy sex on her terms the less frustrated i become and happier i am in our marriage. Not saying she doesn't drive me crazy or that i am never frustrated. I'm here after all. It helps coming allowing my zany ridiculously perverted self to express itself. Somewhere safe (and almost harmless) to have fun and imagine all the crazy things that should never happen.

and of course the sound advice and wise words..

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

yes i do... and the more i learn to enjoy sex on her terms the less frustrated i become and happier i am in our marriage. Not saying she doesn't drive me crazy or that i am never frustrated. I'm here after all. It helps coming allowing my zany ridiculously perverted self to express itself. Somewhere safe (and almost harmless) to have fun and imagine all the crazy things that should never happen.

and of course the sound advice and wise words..

Yes this. I find I can enjoy that dish of delicious vanilla ice cream so much better with a safe, harmless outlet for my pistachio urges. So to speak.

 

[newgentleguy]

LOVE vanilla! (especially with Pistachio)

 

[Wildling]

Struggling with that right now. Life and marriage is great... our sex life sucks. I'm not into him.

We've moved into an open relationship, but part of it is just making me realize what I'm missing...

*sigh*

Can't I have it all?

 

[Sigmund7]

Struggling with that right now. Life and marriage is great... our sex life sucks. I'm not into him.

We've moved into an open relationship, but part of it is just making me realize what I'm missing...

*sigh*

Can't I have it all?

That's the hard part. Having it all is kind of like a pink unicorn - it just doesn't exist. What you need to determine is whether you have enough of what you need that you are better off staying. As Ann Landers used to say, are you better off with him or without him.

 

[Wildling]

That's the hard part. Having it all is kind of like a pink unicorn - it just doesn't exist. What you need to determine is whether you have enough of what you need that you are better off staying. As Ann Landers used to say, are you better off with him or without him.

Its hard to decide if attraction, sex, excitement, and feeling wanted/needed outweigh comfort, stability, material possessions and a best friend.

My husband is and probably always will be an extreme introvert who doesn't show his emotions well, likes his routine, hates change and who frankly... I've never been into physically, and it hasn't gotten better over time (not that he's gotten worse looking, or anything, but I guess its just a problem that doesn't magically get better "because you love him" like people said.)

Other men might be more compatible in bed, exciting, funny, eat my cooking, go on adventures with me... but will they give me this nice, stable, normal life with all the "things" I wanted/want?

Its a hard place to be in, and I'm just stuck feeling lost with nobody in my real life to talk about it with.

 

[mrspank30]

Struggling with that right now. Life and marriage is great... our sex life sucks. I'm not into him.

We've moved into an open relationship, but part of it is just making me realize what I'm missing...

*sigh*

Can't I have it all?

Open relationship huh.... "Heart throbbing"

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

Its hard to decide if attraction, sex, excitement, and feeling wanted/needed outweigh comfort, stability, material possessions and a best friend.

My husband is and probably always will be an extreme introvert who doesn't show his emotions well, likes his routine, hates change and who frankly... I've never been into physically, and it hasn't gotten better over time (not that he's gotten worse looking, or anything, but I guess its just a problem that doesn't magically get better "because you love him" like people said.)

Other men might be more compatible in bed, exciting, funny, eat my cooking, go on adventures with me... but will they give me this nice, stable, normal life with all the "things" I wanted/want?

Its a hard place to be in, and I'm just stuck feeling lost with nobody in my real life to talk about it with.

Hugs. I have no idea what the right answer for you is. I really, really empathize.

 

[Wildling]

Hugs. I have no idea what the right answer for you is. I really, really empathize.

Thanks. I don't know either!

 

[StrongMaster7]

There are several "old sayings" that come to mind.

You can't have everything.

and

Be careful what you wish for.

and

If you think you need to cheat, jerk off and see if you still feel that way.

While I wish my wife shared my sex drive and interests, I have glad that she is an awesome mother to our (now-grown) kids, my best friend and strongest supporter through good times and bad, and perhaps the kindest, smartest, sanest person I have ever known.

An old boss of mine threw away a relatively happy marriage with grown kids because he found a younger lady who was a sexual dynamo. After his divorce became final, ruining his relationship with his ex-wife and kids, the younger lady stayed with him for a month or so and then moved on. He was then a lonely, sad divorced man who felt very foolish. (This is a summary of what he told me, not my opinion.)

This may sound like blasphemy on a sex-oriented website bulletin board, but as wonderful and important as sex is, it is not the most important thing in life. Love is. And if you don't know the difference, I am not sure I can help you.

 

[ConflictedOne]

There are several "old sayings" that come to mind.

You can't have everything.

and

Be careful what you wish for.

and

If you think you need to cheat, jerk off and see if you still feel that way.

While I wish my wife shared my sex drive and interests, I have glad that she is an awesome mother to our (now-grown) kids, my best friend and strongest supporter through good times and bad, and perhaps the kindest, smartest, sanest person I have ever known.

An old boss of mine threw away a relatively happy marriage with grown kids because he found a younger lady who was a sexual dynamo. After his divorce became final, ruining his relationship with his ex-wife and kids, the younger lady stayed with him for a month or so and then moved on. He was then a lonely, sad divorced man who felt very foolish. (This is a summary of what he told me, not my opinion.)

This may sound like blasphemy on a sex-oriented website bulletin board, but as wonderful and important as sex is, it is not the most important thing in life. Love is. And if you don't know the difference, I am not sure I can help you.

Another GREAT post...

 

[Madmar]

Yeah, that's fair, this isn't a black and white issue. I'm not telling anyone else what to do, this is what I believe, the OP asked what we believe. I don't believe I would be happy in a marriage where I would have to get sexual satisfaction elsewhere, or if he would have to get it somewhere else. I only want one person. When I get married, I'm devoting myself to him. We were once both here to stop feeling awkward about sex and now we just share access to this account. I would not be here if I didn't feel sexually unfulfilled from being far away from him all the time.

That's interesting. I always wonder about one's impetus for being here. And I think that was a great idea, to come here to "normalize" sexual feelings where one has certain hang ups or blocks to fully enjoying that aspect of their lives. It's very common but not everyone feels the need to get over it, they just accept it as part of their psyche. And I think that's exactly the reason for the frustration, when one partner doesn't see the need to do anything to open up their mind to the unfamiliar.