Happly Married...

[Madmar]

Posted by LizVegas79: It seems like one thing we're all sort of agreeing on .... but talking around ... is that open, honest communication is the basis for any healthy relationship. Right?

It is unless we know our spouse could never embrace it. Then it would do more harm then good if we push the idea further then they are ready to explore

But how do you KNOW if your spouse could never embrace it? I don't want to -- and could never be -- forced to do anything; but I wouldn't mind a partner who wished for me to explore things with him, as I wish for my husband to explore things with me. Stagnance is not good for a marriage and is, as it happens, not possible. Change is inevitable. Even when you practice open, honest communication, that doesn't mean the other person won't dismiss out of hand your efforts at effectuating change.

 

[Madmar]

Struggling with that right now. Life and marriage is great... our sex life sucks. I'm not into him.

We've moved into an open relationship, but part of it is just making me realize what I'm missing...

*sigh*

Can't I have it all?

If you can figure out how, let me know. Pretty please?

Its hard to decide if attraction, sex, excitement, and feeling wanted/needed outweigh comfort, stability, material possessions and a best friend.

My husband is and probably always will be an extreme introvert who doesn't show his emotions well, likes his routine, hates change and who frankly... I've never been into physically, and it hasn't gotten better over time (not that he's gotten worse looking, or anything, but I guess its just a problem that doesn't magically get better "because you love him" like people said.)

Other men might be more compatible in bed, exciting, funny, eat my cooking, go on adventures with me... but will they give me this nice, stable, normal life with all the "things" I wanted/want?

Its a hard place to be in, and I'm just stuck feeling lost with nobody in my real life to talk about it with.

Except for the open relationship, I feel like I could write everything you're expressing.

 

[Madmar]

yes i do... and the more i learn to enjoy sex on her terms the less frustrated i become and happier i am in our marriage. Not saying she doesn't drive me crazy or that i am never frustrated. I'm here after all. It helps coming allowing my zany ridiculously perverted self to express itself. Somewhere safe (and almost harmless) to have fun and imagine all the crazy things that should never happen.

and of course the sound advice and wise words..

So I'm wondering -- perhaps out loud -- how people with a zany perverted self end up being married to people who don't also have a zany perverted side?

 

[ConflictedOne]

So I'm wondering -- perhaps out loud -- how people with a zany perverted self end up being married to people who don't also have a zany perverted side?

ME!

Why do you think I started this thread?

 

[Madmar]

ME!

Why do you think I started this thread?

But I mean why. Presumably when you marry, you know what that person is by nature and not likely to be someone to suddenly turn into a freak.

 

[ConflictedOne]

But I mean why. Presumably when you marry, you know what that person is by nature and not likely to be someone to suddenly turn into a freak.

My wife was more...aggressive...prior to marriage than after...

She got wedding cake disease...

 

[Wildling]

If you can figure out how, let me know. Pretty please?

Except for the open relationship, I feel like I could write everything you're expressing.

Its not a super fun place to be in. *hugs*

 

[newhere2learn]

There are several "old sayings" that come to mind.

You can't have everything.

and

Be careful what you wish for.

and

If you think you need to cheat, jerk off and see if you still feel that way.

While I wish my wife shared my sex drive and interests, I have glad that she is an awesome mother to our (now-grown) kids, my best friend and strongest supporter through good times and bad, and perhaps the kindest, smartest, sanest person I have ever known.

An old boss of mine threw away a relatively happy marriage with grown kids because he found a younger lady who was a sexual dynamo. After his divorce became final, ruining his relationship with his ex-wife and kids, the younger lady stayed with him for a month or so and then moved on. He was then a lonely, sad divorced man who felt very foolish. (This is a summary of what he told me, not my opinion.)

This may sound like blasphemy on a sex-oriented website bulletin board, but as wonderful and important as sex is, it is not the most important thing in life. Love is. And if you don't know the difference, I am not sure I can help you.

A friend is currently in the final stages of separating as his ex ditched him for a guy in his 20s.

Less than 5 months later, couple of weeks before my friend gets off the deeds officially and gets his new place, his ex is now ditched with boytoy & whining for a reconciliation.

 

[I_jerk_off_alot]

If you think you need to cheat, jerk off and see if you still feel that way.

People may make fun of my name but this is my exact reason for having it. I love her and worship her but I have a higher sex drive and I really do not want to cheat on her.

She is completely fine with me jerking off right next to her or on her as needed.

 

[36524]

------

 

[john_johnson]

Do you think it's possible to be happily married but still very frustrated with your sex life?

Yes, I think that you can be happily married but sexually frustrated. Marriages are very much like dueling roller coasters sometimes you are right next to each other and other times you are at two opposite ends of the tracks. If you hang in there and the two paths converge, awesome! But if they never seem to get any closer it is time to get on a new ride.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

So I'm wondering -- perhaps out loud -- how people with a zany perverted self end up being married to people who don't also have a zany perverted side?

I did. But I wasn't willing to admit how zany and perverted I was, wasn't ready to explore certain things. And he used to have a higher drive and be more open to things. People change. I don't people set how to marry their opposite, but I do think it's fairly common that people evolve in different directions.

Yes, I think that you can be happily married but sexually frustrated. Marriages are very much like dueling roller coasters sometimes you are right next to each other and other times you are at two opposite ends of the tracks. If you hang in there and the two paths converge, awesome! But if they never seem to get any closer it is time to get on a new ride.

This is a really good metaphor.

 

[Black_and_White_Writer]

Do you think it's possible to be happily married but still very frustrated with your sex life?

Of course it's possible.

 

[Madmar]

Its not a super fun place to be in. *hugs*

For either party I'm afraid.

 

[Madmar]

You can't get it all from one person. If you can and do, it's very rare. Don't fuck it up if you have nearly all.

 

[PTWaters1]

There are several "old sayings" that come to mind.

You can't have everything.

and

Be careful what you wish for.

and

If you think you need to cheat, jerk off and see if you still feel that way.

While I wish my wife shared my sex drive and interests, I have glad that she is an awesome mother to our (now-grown) kids, my best friend and strongest supporter through good times and bad, and perhaps the kindest, smartest, sanest person I have ever known.

An old boss of mine threw away a relatively happy marriage with grown kids because he found a younger lady who was a sexual dynamo. After his divorce became final, ruining his relationship with his ex-wife and kids, the younger lady stayed with him for a month or so and then moved on. He was then a lonely, sad divorced man who felt very foolish. (This is a summary of what he told me, not my opinion.)

This may sound like blasphemy on a sex-oriented website bulletin board, but as wonderful and important as sex is, it is not the most important thing in life. Love is. And if you don't know the difference, I am not sure I can help you.

I'll second this 1000%.

My wife and I only have "sex" once in a while and that is mainly because her libido is low due to medical issues. When we do have sex, its a mutual masturbation session because that's the only way she can orgasm. We've not had intercourse in over a decade and I do end up taking care of my needs alone most of the time.

That being said, she is my best friend and we adore each other. We have a lot of the same likes and dislikes, we love being in each others company, and I cannot imagine what my world would be like without her. We try to go everywhere together and she doesn't demand anything of me that she wouldn't do herself.

In short, the sex is a byproduct of being in love, not the reason for the relationship. Yes, I'd love to be with a woman that wanted me physically 24/7...but she had better be everything my wife is, and more. I may die never having had great sex...but I sure as hell will know what true love is.

 

[ConflictedOne]

I'll second this 1000%.

My wife and I only have "sex" once in a while and that is mainly because her libido is low due to medical issues. When we do have sex, its a mutual masturbation session because that's the only way she can orgasm. We've not had intercourse in over a decade and I do end up taking care of my needs alone most of the time.

That being said, she is my best friend and we adore each other. We have a lot of the same likes and dislikes, we love being in each others company, and I cannot imagine what my world would be like without her. We try to go everywhere together and she doesn't demand anything of me that she wouldn't do herself.

In short, the sex is a byproduct of being in love, not the reason for the relationship. Yes, I'd love to be with a woman that wanted me physically 24/7...but she had better be everything my wife is, and more. I may die never having had great sex...but I sure as hell will know what true love is.

Great post!

 

[I_jerk_off_alot]

I agree with you. I don't want to cheat. I'd rather be with her whether we have sex all the time or not.

A perfect example was last night. I wanted sex and she didn't. I even offered to go down on her with no expectation of reciprocating. She turned that down. I asked if she minded if I sat there and jerked off. She was like, 'have fun.' I can deal with that.

I will say we have found and excellent way for her to help me out occasionally. So I do have that going for me.


I have question for everyone in this situation. Have you considered making your own homemade porn? By that I mean, taking a down or weekend and spend in making some specialty porn of your partner that you can use when the urge strikes you?

I ask because that is one of the methods I use. I have an unbelievable amount of graphic porn of her. Pretty much anything I have her to do during these shoots she has done and WOW is it ever a good way to connect. May not have as much sex now but she still gets me off.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

I agree with you. I don't want to cheat. I'd rather be with her whether we have sex all the time or not.

A perfect example was last night. I wanted sex and she didn't. I even offered to go down on her with no expectation of reciprocating. She turned that down. I asked if she minded if I sat there and jerked off. She was like, 'have fun.' I can deal with that.

I will say we have found and excellent way for her to help me out occasionally. So I do have that going for me.


I have question for everyone in this situation. Have you considered making your own homemade porn? By that I mean, taking a down or weekend and spend in making some specialty porn of your partner that you can use when the urge strikes you?

I ask because that is one of the methods I use. I have an unbelievable amount of graphic porn of her. Pretty much anything I have her to do during these shoots she has done and WOW is it ever a good way to connect. May not have as much sex now but she still gets me off.

that's a really cool idea and I'm glad it works for you. TBH, when I fantasize on my own, it's usually not about him. And that's okay. It doesn't mean I don't love him. I find him enormously sexy, especially right there in front of me, but when i have private alone time, I'm not really in the mood to watch porn of myself and/or him--I'd rather just escape into fantasy for a little while. If that makes sense.

 

[I_jerk_off_alot]

that's a really cool idea and I'm glad it works for you. TBH, when I fantasize on my own, it's usually not about him. And that's okay. It doesn't mean I don't love him. I find him enormously sexy, especially right there in front of me, but when i have private alone time, I'm not really in the mood to watch porn of myself and/or him--I'd rather just escape into fantasy for a little while. If that makes sense.

That makes perfeft sense. Lets be real too. I don't look at my pictures of her exclusively and she knows that. Most of the time it's some young thing who made some bad life choices or stories on here.

The takeaway is, we acknowledge the differing levels and don't it against each other. She also doesn't get upset when I put a round theoughvthe chamber. It's a non issue now. "Oh you're jerking off? Well try not to hit me with it this time."

Also I want say this. I make extra sure to dote on her. She is my best friend and the love of my life. So I take extra good care of her.

 

[littlecordelera]

If you give up the belief that humans are supposed to be monogamous, almost all of these complaints go away. Love and sex don't go hand in hand.

 

[I_jerk_off_alot]

If you give up the belief that humans are supposed to be monogamous, almost all of these complaints go away. Love and sex don't go hand in hand.

I have to disagree with you. I think it is our very natural state. Every culture has adopted it as the normal.

 

[debear]

My Two Cents Worth

I've been married to my wife for almost 40-years. We fucked like rabbets when we were younger. The frequency of our sex started tapering off in our late forties. Now we are in our late 50's the sex is almost completely gone. She gives me a blowjob once or twice a week so I can't say our marriage is totally sexless but we haven't made love in a long time. When my wife went into menopause her sex drive took a nose dive...she just doesn't care about sex anymore. She's tried just to make me happy a few times but it's painful for her so I don't ask anymore.

Is it frustrating...yes it is but...I love this woman with every fiber of my being. She is my best friend, my soul mate, the mother of my kids, and the love of my life. I honestly don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for her. I have never cheated on her...not once...I don't plan to either but ya know...one can never say never. If the opportunity arose I might be tempted but I can't imagine I'll ever go looking for it.

 

[Pink_Milkmaid]

I've been married to my wife for almost 40-years. We fucked like rabbets when we were younger. The frequency of our sex started tapering off in our late forties. Now we are in our late 50's the sex is almost completely gone. She gives me a blowjob once or twice a week so I can't say our marriage is totally sexless but we haven't made love in a long time. When my wife went into menopause her sex drive took a nose dive...she just doesn't care about sex anymore. She's tried just to make me happy a few times but it's painful for her so I don't ask anymore.

Is it frustrating...yes it is but...I love this woman with every fiber of my being. She is my best friend, my soul mate, the mother of my kids, and the love of my life. I honestly don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for her. I have never cheated on her...not once...I don't plan to either but ya know...one can never say never. If the opportunity arose I might be tempted but I can't imagine I'll ever go looking for it.

Just wanted to offer you some hugs. Your situation is really common I think as people age and I find your story very inspiring too.

 

[I_jerk_off_alot]

Hey Milkmaid, I want a hug too. I promise I'm not sticky or anything.