hate hearing anything about past?

[Sweetdreams71]

To each their own but I guess I need more than that.

Getting what I want is at least as important as giving them what they want. I mean, I can make myself come without dressing up and with a lot less effort. Wanting to talk about something and then talking about it is what men do all the time, no?

I can wear an outfit and think and feel sexy... But usually those outfits that I like husband doesn't like.
He will be honest and say it's not what gets him going, but if I wear something that I know he loves, different story in the bedroom. So as a woman we want to be sexy for them, so I wear what he prefers. I feel just as sexy naked as I do with an outfit.

Husband and I are not talkers or share sexual feelings or moments in our lives. I find it awesome that you and your husband are working towards this.

At one time I don't think I would of been able to hear his stories of his past girlfriends and details of those relationships. But I have changed a lot and now I could hear them and be just fine and happy for him.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I maybe be totally out to lunch here

Men are visual, so listening to how your journey of sexual feelings and freedom to express yourself and feel sexy really isn't in there brain compartments (for lack of a better word)
But show up in lingerie and using your sexual wiles you learned

Not true for all...

 

[Sweetdreams71]

Not true for all...

Like I said I might be totally out to lunch....

 

[Hipshot1554]

I can wear an outfit and think and feel sexy... But usually those outfits that I like husband doesn't like.
He will be honest and say it's not what gets him going, but if I wear something that I know he loves, different story in the bedroom. So as a woman we want to be sexy for them, so I wear what he prefers. I feel just as sexy naked as I do with an outfit.

Husband and I are not talkers or share sexual feelings or moments in our lives. I find it awesome that you and your husband are working towards this.

At one time I don't think I would of been able to hear his stories of his past girlfriends and details of those relationships. But I have changed a lot and now I could hear them and be just fine and happy for him.

Like I said I might be totally out to lunch....

Flirting and innuendo are totally inspiring... verbal foreplay.

 

[YourSecretDesires]

Heard but it wasn’t smutty/slutty stuff. It was really about me learning about what I liked or something I did that was fun and sexy.

A case in point to help y’all turn away from the misunderstanding that this about past sex: talking about how I once took off my clothes in the passenger seat and the way that felt, why it was such a galvanizing moment of freedom and sensuality. I assume men who love a woman want her to engage and understand in that meaning making. And once you’ve been together and monogamous for 25 yrs perhaps a tiny bit of space could be created for such a story to be part of a deeper understanding or appreciation for one’s partner’s feelings and needs and desires - as they exist APART from the sexual reality formed and understood by your union.

Otherwise the message to women is “be a better sex object FOR ME. Anything about YOU and your internal meaning-making is not only *not* fascinating but threatening and frankly, offensive.” THAT is the opposite of curious and open and loving to me. And therefore, the opposite of sexy.

The thing so many men are doing in this thread is the very essence of why it’s so hard/hurtful with my husband: everything has to be about the guy who was present - and the guy who is present.

When women can’t talk about their experience and expression of sexual and sensual topics that are ABOUT *THEM* AS A SEXUAL BEING and learning about themselves without upsetting some fragile ego in a man, it’s inherently problematic. And you see it happening here in this thread in the same way.

Perhaps a better conversation with women. Just hate men letting me down.

Yeah that's a bummer for you. Best of luck and I'm sure you'll find the right path for you.

 

[Kenrychard]

For me it was insecurities, both age related maturity and confidence in my relationship. Never liked hearing girlfriends past. It was actually a wonderous discovery that when I got married at 44 and my wife and I slowly explored sharing....I loved it. For some reason EVERYTHING about my wife's sexual past was a complete turn on. So much so I had to be careful expressing it. Try telling your spouse that the time she was raped in High School by an adult faculty member turned you on..I did, but very "gently" after explaining what I said above, everything from her past turned me on. She was also interested in my past, but not at all in the same way. Mostly just shocked that the middle age church guy she married and she knew had a lot of years with no one in his life had some very wild times between the droughts.