Heart vs. Head

[bobsgirl]

Who the fuck am I kidding. It's all over except the actual words

Awww, Denae... {{{{big hug}}}}

 

[jerseyman1963]

What a great thread. How did I miss it? Everyone has offered so much to think about. Den, you always post such great, thought provoking thread topics. Sorry to hear about your recent romantic demise, but today's r this month's hurt aside, it'll turn out to be a good learning outpost on the journey of life. I sense this.

Growing up, I too I picked up a nasty habit of over analyzing everything. I got it from my old man. Any time I'd stand at a crossroads with a serious decision to make, I would intellectualize the entire decision making process, making a mental pros and cons list, and then make a bad choice that didn't work out.

The choices I made always looked good on paper. They always seemed to be the rational thing to do. But I never really enjoyed them, I never experienced any emotional highs, and they never worked out. More often than not the personal, romantic, and career choices I made would result in a flaming disaster.

Then, in my late 20's my life really bottomed out, and I made a series of choices about the direction my life was going and would go that were less about rationalizing everything, and more about, "Well, everything sucks right now, and I couldn't be any worse off than I already am, and I couldn't do any worse than I already have, so what have I got to lose?"

And you know what? The decisions I made about the direction I was going to go made NO sense to me on paper, but by and large, they worked out beautifully in the end. Maybe not on a day to day basis, but if I look back at the overall arch of things, it's been up and up ever since.

What I eventually figured out about this was that any time I had a decision to make, I was listening to my head, and not my heart, or not my gut instinct. I was trying to explain every last little detail and possibility to myself before making a move. I was trying to figure out every last possible outcome like it was a chess game and I could predict what would come next. And sometimes that works, but sometimes life is such that you can not know everything there is to know -- and you just have to make the best judgement you can at the moment and, rather than sit there for another few weeks worrying about what MIGHT happen, go for it and see what DOES happen.

S what I learned to do is that when I stand at that intersection, I try to go with my gut. That still takes a lot of talking to myself. It sounds something like this: "Well, I don't understand at all where this is going to lead me, or why I want to go there. All I know is that it FEELS like what I want to do, so I'm going to stop trying to figure out WHY I feel that way before I move, and just go there and see where it takes me."

9 times out of 10, if I do that, it works out beautifully. What I learned is that most of what I worry about never comes to pass. I think that's key.

To be sure, there have been some flame outs, and sometimes I have been disappointed, hurt, and burned, by friends, lovers, and coworkers, but that's life. No guts, no glory. You got to be willing to risk a little to gain at least a little, if not a lot. And generally,the hurt I've experienced following my heart and inexplicable instinct is far less than the jams I got in and the hurt I experienced (and inflicted on others) when I over analyzed.

I think the real answer here is that you can't exclusively think with your head, or exclusively follow your heart ALL the time, but rather you need a balanced interaction between the two.

 

[Flyin_Free]

What I eventually figured out about this was that any time I had a decision to make, I was listening to my head, and not my heart, or not my gut instinct. I was trying to explain every last little detail and possibility to myself before making a move. I was trying to figure out every last possible outcome like it was a chess game and I could predict what would come next. And sometimes that works, but sometimes life is such that you can not know everything there is to know -- and you just have to make the best judgement you can at the moment and, rather than sit there for another few weeks worrying about what MIGHT happen, go for it and see what DOES happen.


S what I learned to do is that when I stand at that intersection, I try to go with my gut. That still takes a lot of talking to myself. It sounds something like this: "Well, I don't understand at all where this is going to lead me, or why I want to go there. All I know is that it FEELS like what I want to do, so I'm going to stop trying to figure out WHY I feel that way before I move, and just go there and see where it takes me."

That makes a lot of sense actually. I tend to overanalyse everything too, and I've found that that actually gets me NOwhere. Literally. I analyse and analyse and analyse until whatever opportunity was there has passed me by. I'm so scared to make a bad decision that a lot of times I stay right where I am and make NO decision.

 

[jerseyman1963]

That makes a lot of sense actually. I tend to overanalyse everything too, and I've found that that actually gets me NOwhere. Literally. I analyse and analyse and analyse until whatever opportunity was there has passed me by. I'm so scared to make a bad decision that a lot of times I stay right where I am and make NO decision.

After enough years of living like a 'fraidy cat trying to predict every possible outcome so I would never take a step that might get me hurt, I started feeling like I was missing out on life. And looking back, I realized that an awful lot of what I had worried about turned out to have been big nothings, and in the process, I had missed out on some great experiences. That started giving me the courage to start thinking, at the moment of truth, "I don't know where this is going, but it feels like it's what I want to do right now, so I am going to do it for that reason alone." The first couple of times I did that it took A LOT of mental and emotional energy to keep myself together and not completely freak out and have a breakdown mid-stream. But the more I did it, the easier it got. I still tend to over-think everything, but at least now I can temper that. One thing that was very, very helpful was learning that nothing was a permanent decision -- if I tried something and it didn't work out, or felt uncomfortable, I could change my mind and stop, go back, or go in a different direction altogether.

 

[Flyin_Free]

After enough years of living like a 'fraidy cat trying to predict every possible outcome so I would never take a step that might get me hurt, I started feeling like I was missing out on life. And looking back, I realized that an awful lot of what I had worried about turned out to have been big nothings, and in the process, I had missed out on some great experiences. That started giving me the courage to start thinking, at the moment of truth, "I don't know where this is going, but it feels like it's what I want to do right now, so I am going to do it for that reason alone." The first couple of times I did that it took A LOT of mental and emotional energy to keep myself together and not completely freak out and have a breakdown mid-stream. But the more I did it, the easier it got. I still tend to over-think everything, but at least now I can temper that. One thing that was very, very helpful was learning that nothing was a permanent decision -- if I tried something and it didn't work out, or felt uncomfortable, I could change my mind and stop, go back, or go in a different direction altogether.

"I don't know where this is going, but it feels like it's what I want to do right now, so I am going to do it for that reason alone." I love this.

I think I'm at that point in my life right now. I'm tired of always worrying about doing the *right* thing, the things that everybody else says or expects me to do. I'm tired of being scared to take risks just so that I don't get hurt by the end result. I'm ready to start doing what I want, and to start enjoying life.

A friend recently told me to just take a deep breath and say "Everything's Going To Be OK" and you know what, he was right. Everything might not turn out exactly like you expected it to but it WILL be OK. This simple sentence has really made me think a lot lately.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I'm tired of always worrying about doing the *right* thing, the things that everybody else says or expects me to do. I'm tired of being scared to take risks just so that I don't get hurt by the end result. I'm ready to start doing what I want, and to start enjoying life.

Ahhh, the old "doing the right thing" conundrum. I think the key is being able to figure out what the right thing for YOU (according to your own needs, wants, desires, beliefs) is. It ain't easy, but I found that once I was able to start shutting down the voices in my head (not real voices in my head mind you, but what I imagined friends, family, etc. saying) that I would imagine saying things like, "You should do X, Y or Z because it makes sense for this reason..," once I was able to stop thinking about what I thought everyone else thought made sense, and start deciding that for myself, it was a lot easier to live.

It hasn't always worked out perfectly, or hasn't for me at any rate, but on balance, I have to say that life has been richer. Sometimes you do get hurt, but it's unrealistic to expect that sometimes you won't. I just try to identify the times I KNOW I'm going to get burned, and avoid those, and the rest of the time, if the coast looks reasonably clear, decide to worry about it... no, not worry about it... deal with it, when or if it happens.

As the old cliches go, no guts, no glory. You gotta get in the game to play it. They're cliches, but they're cliches because they're true.

 

[Flyin_Free]

Ahhh, the old "doing the right thing" conundrum. I think the key is being able to figure out what the right thing for YOU (according to your own needs, wants, desires, beliefs) is. It ain't easy, but I found that once I was able to start shutting down the voices in my head (not real voices in my head mind you, but what I imagined friends, family, etc. saying) that I would imagine saying things like, "You should do X, Y or Z because it makes sense for this reason..," once I was able to stop thinking about what I thought everyone else thought made sense, and start deciding that for myself, it was a lot easier to live.

It hasn't always worked out perfectly, or hasn't for me at any rate, but on balance, I have to say that life has been richer. Sometimes you do get hurt, but it's unrealistic to expect that sometimes you won't. I just try to identify the times I KNOW I'm going to get burned, and avoid those, and the rest of the time, if the coast looks reasonably clear, decide to worry about it... no, not worry about it... deal with it, when or if it happens.

As the old cliches go, no guts, no glory. You gotta get in the game to play it. They're cliches, but they're cliches because they're true.

I have definately lived my life by the old "doing the right thing" conundrum! It's something that's actually hard to stop isn't it. I mean I'm so used to thinking of what I *should* do or what other people would *want* me to do or what I'm *expected* to do. I've done it for so long that I have to consiously make myself sit down and really THINK about what I want--heck sometimes I even have a hard time figuring out what it even is that I want....I'm that used to making my decisions based on what I should do.

Anyway, like I said I'm starting to change and that's the main thing I guess --I'll get there

 

[privyjo]

This probably sounds naive or worse, plain stupid, but I am having (and have always had )a very hard time separating the two.

Any thoughts, ideas, expressions, comments, etc. would be appreciated.

Happy New Year to all.

Have been keeping up with this thread since it started but until now have been hesitant to post anything. I see myself in other previous posts. I have kept my head and heart very, very separate from one another. I tell friends I have lived most of my life from the neck up. It has lead to a lonely life, killing off spontaneity, openness, and a willingness to take risks where my heart is concerned. The good news is I have decided to do something something about it and my life has been slowly but surely changing in positive ways.

Thanks for the thread. It is proving helpful in my quest to bring heart and mind together on the same page.

 

[Denae]

Have been keeping up with this thread since it started but until now have been hesitant to post anything. I see myself in other previous posts. I have kept my head and heart very, very separate from one another. I tell friends I have lived most of my life from the neck up. It has lead to a lonely life, killing off spontaneity, openness, and a willingness to take risks where my heart is concerned. The good news is I have decided to do something something about it and my life has been slowly but surely changing in positive ways.

Thanks for the thread. It is proving helpful in my quest to bring heart and mind together on the same page.

Privyjo, I'm so glad that you decided to post. So many wonderful posts are in this thread. I didn't imagine what insights would be shared here and I'm forever grateful to those who have posted their thoughts.

I'm glad they've been of help.

 

[jacuzzigal]

Ahhh, the old "doing the right thing" conundrum. I think the key is being able to figure out what the right thing for YOU (according to your own needs, wants, desires, beliefs) is. It ain't easy, but I found that once I was able to start shutting down the voices in my head (not real voices in my head mind you, but what I imagined friends, family, etc. saying) that I would imagine saying things like, "You should do X, Y or Z because it makes sense for this reason..," once I was able to stop thinking about what I thought everyone else thought made sense, and start deciding that for myself, it was a lot easier to live.

It hasn't always worked out perfectly, or hasn't for me at any rate, but on balance, I have to say that life has been richer. Sometimes you do get hurt, but it's unrealistic to expect that sometimes you won't. I just try to identify the times I KNOW I'm going to get burned, and avoid those, and the rest of the time, if the coast looks reasonably clear, decide to worry about it... no, not worry about it... deal with it, when or if it happens.

As the old cliches go, no guts, no glory. You gotta get in the game to play it. They're cliches, but they're cliches because they're true.

Such a great post and so much I relate to here. Thanks, jerseyman.

I have only been ridding myself of the "voices in my head" the last few years, and like you those voices are what I THOUGHT everyone else was saying. Interestingly enough what I thought everyone would say was ALWAYS worse than what they really said, and I'm learning to be easier on myself and really understand what's right for me. Once I sorted through all of that it was easier to listen to my heart, which was mostly afraid because for years my head didn't listen. It's a balancing act for me, and they don't always agree, but they are coming to little compromises now and then, and I'm learning little by little to listen to both and balance both and live my life according to what is uniquely my perspective, feelings and needs.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Such a great post and so much I relate to here. Thanks, jerseyman.

I have only been ridding myself of the "voices in my head" the last few years, and like you those voices are what I THOUGHT everyone else was saying. Interestingly enough what I thought everyone would say was ALWAYS worse than what they really said, and I'm learning to be easier on myself and really understand what's right for me. Once I sorted through all of that it was easier to listen to my heart, which was mostly afraid because for years my head didn't listen. It's a balancing act for me, and they don't always agree, but they are coming to little compromises now and then, and I'm learning little by little to listen to both and balance both and live my life according to what is uniquely my perspective, feelings and needs.

Yeah, it's funny how you think people are going to think one thing about you, or what you do, and it's so surprising to let yourself go, and then find out that they never thought that at all, or if they do, it's not as bad as you thought, or if they do, that you don't really care as much about other people's opinions because only you can live your life.

I once had a short fling (OK, a one nighter) with someone I knew I shouldn't get involved with. Even though I was interested, I held her off for quite a while; weeks and months actually. But she was very persistent, and one night I gave in. Long story short, we were both in strange places in our lives. When I later confessed this to a friend whose opinion I valued, I was sure I was going to be condemned. I was VERY surprised when the response I got was a shrug and, "Well, sometimes you do what you need to do to get what you need at that time, and even if it's not ideal, there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you take it for what it is." I've never looked at life the same again. That, plus some other learning experiences, have made it much easier to listen to my own voice, and in the process I learned that 90% of what I worried about wasn't anything to worry about in the first place.