Help...offline isn't like online

[swtrthnhoney]

Keep your chin up! You are not wrong here! You did the right thing for you and that is what is important.

A litser mentioned in another thread about a codependency group. There is one in just about every city. It's free and offers advice and group support for learning to have healthy relationships. (I am seriously considering checking it out, once I get up my nerve.)
Here is the link. http://www.coda.org/
I do not know if they have a Canadian chapter.

You did the right thing. People will protray who you want them to be (to a certain extent) and we sometimes fill in the blanks of who we want them to be in on-line relationships. It is in part human nature.

You sound like a very sweet and genuine person. Be wary, there are people who prefer to take advantage of those traits. Take care of yourself!

 

[swtrthnhoney]

CoDa Canadian link
http://www.coda.org/meetings/meeting-World.php

 

[coastal-boy]

well...no need for me to tell you what to do...you already did it

 

[Chiara_searches]

You should be very proud of yourself. You did the right thing, listened to your gut, and involved the authorities. Please don't feel stupid; feel like you were smart when it was necessary for your safety and well-being. Being strong like that takes a lot of courage. You have a core inner strength that is beautiful and someday will be thoroughly appreciated by the right guy. Like others have said before, we are proud of you for taking action.

 

[_Virginia_]

I would also like to say GOOD FOR YOU! While you can certainly use this as a learning experience in the future, please don't beat yourself up too much about this. I have been on Lit (the forums and chat) for 6 years and I've met 6 people offline that I originally met on Lit. Most of them were great - but 2 of them were NOTHING like they were online...and I would have sworn that I had a true connection with both of them. It turned out that I didn't really know either one of them at all.

It happens. It sucks, and it can be heartbreaking - but it happens. The important thing is that you took care of yourself when it really counted! I'm sorry you had to go through this.

 

[NightingGale]

I'm ok.

He's tried to talk to me a few times today, despite being SPECIFICALLY told not to, or I could press charges. I've ignored him every time, he texted me this morning saying: "I know I'm not suppose to contact you but I'm trapped here if you have any compassion you'll answer me"

He knows he isn't supposed to contact me, but last night within an HOUR of being released from police custody he said something to me. I'm sorry, was calling the police and getting you arrested for sexual assault not CLEAR enough for you in regards to how serious I am?

The detective called to check on me a little while ago, to see if he had been bothering me. I told him about the text and bugging me online...hes been telling mutual friends that I've left him stranded and homeless here with no money and no place to go. The detective reassured me that he does in fact have several hundred dollars, and several people back home to go stay with.

I feel really lost and angry right now. I actually had a bunch of little nightmares last night when i was tryign to fall asleep I guess. I never have nightmares...my life has pretty much revolved around him for 2 years, I guess I don't know what to do with myself.

 

[Pleasure_Fan]

Hi NG -
I really feel for your loss. I know it might be one sided, but still, the carpet was yanked out from under you and I totally feel for you on that. On the flip side, though - what if he had been smart enough to lead you on for another six months, and then show his true colors? By that time you would have been deeply, deeply entrenched instead of "only" captured by the on-line relationship you thought you were sharing.
The only thing to do in situations like this is to learn! I am a strong believer that humans can, and do improve with experience The terrible time you are going through right now will be pivotal at some point in the future, either in saving yourself from something more serious, or in helping others - as others have been here for you.
May you heal and move on as quickly as possible.
And Bravo - you're a survivor!
-PF-

 

[subwannabe]

He is trying to appeal to your compassion. That's what these guys do. Some even go to the point of saying that they will kill themselves if they can't have you. They hope that you couldn't bear to be responsible for such a thing (even though 9 out of 10 times they wouldn't actually do it). Somewhere I missed the sexual assault thing. Did he actually do something to you other than a type of stalking? I must point out what I perceive to be one of your faults. It seems like you put way to much importance in this online stuff. The fact that you are a little upset by him complaining to "mutual friends" about how you have treated him. I know I have been a little guilty in the past of putting too much importance in this online stuff but you need to go out and get real friends, not online friends. In any event you handled this the very best you could once you discovered your mistake. Many would not have learned so quickly and gone through hell.

 

[qrayze]

I'm happy you had the courage to stand up for yourself, NG, so many women are too scared and end up paying the price.

I understand your pain with the loss of this relationship. For two years, he was your perfect guy. And even tho he was not who you thought he was, you were still deeply in love with that guy you thought he was. You are going to mourn the relationship; that's natural and healthy. But, like any close relationship, it will take time before you are over him. Just continue to remain strong, even if you feel like you are faking it.

You can do it; we all believe in you.

*Hugs*

 

[JamieJ424]

You absolutely did the right thing. I hope you realize that, and I hope the next time you meet someone it goes better for you.

 

[Cattypuss]

No advice to give. Just subscribing so I will know you're ok.

 

[espressolover]

I read what you had to say here, and I really wish you the best.
You truly are a kind and gentle soul, and he's walked all over you. But onwards and upwards now. The worst is hopefully behind you and you can move ahead with your life.

You absolutely did the right thing. Check back in so we know how you are? Ride easy, sweet lady.

 

[Omegaop]

U did the right thing. The guy is issue of people.

 

[DarkFantasyRose]

What a horrific thing to go through and I offer the biggest of hugs and sympathy. You did the right thing by getting rid; that was the biggest step and now you have to ignore him. Change your number, email and usernames (Im guessing this is a changed name you are using here)?

Instincts are a pivotal thing for me and they are normally spot on. Trust them all the time as you have done and they will keep you out of most situations. Every person has the right to change their mind and you have done exactly the right thing.

Hugs and hold your head up high honey.

xxxx

 

[NomadLady]

You've done the right thing, I feel for you in that you were deceived for so long then found yourself in such an impossible situation. Stand firm and this will all be a distant memory like it should be AND a life lesson learned.

If he continues to contact you, have him arrested again and surely the law enforcement will help you get his number block from your phone and find him a way behind bars, or out of the country.

 

[NightingGale]

I've been pretty good about not talking to him, I have a few times though. But always left just as angry as before.

A few days ago he apparently attempted suicide with some pills and beer. So I'm told, spent a few days in the hospital. I got a death threat and a threat to have me rot in jail if he dies from a friend of his.

Then he checked himself out (as I hear it anyways) and she begged me to ask him to go back to the hospital.

Now last night I got an email from him that's all full of typos that's pretty much a suicide note. And today an email from her again saying he's in the hospital again but "not by choice" and that "it might help him if you tell him one day." in regards to what happened. I have tried to talk to him, he just doesn't listen to me. And she certainly doesn't sound like this is something permanent.

I don't even know if I believe any of this crap.....would you?

 

[welkin]

First I am very glad to hear you are OK.

If he's really suicidal (I wouldn't believe it without some sort of proof), tell her to contact his family, suicide help hotline, whatever, someone who lives in his city and can actually help. Just not you. And don't blame yourself for the actions of a lunatic.

 

[SweetErika]

I've been pretty good about not talking to him, I have a few times though. But always left just as angry as before.

A few days ago he apparently attempted suicide with some pills and beer. So I'm told, spent a few days in the hospital. I got a death threat and a threat to have me rot in jail if he dies from a friend of his.

Then he checked himself out (as I hear it anyways) and she begged me to ask him to go back to the hospital.

Now last night I got an email from him that's all full of typos that's pretty much a suicide note. And today an email from her again saying he's in the hospital again but "not by choice" and that "it might help him if you tell him one day." in regards to what happened. I have tried to talk to him, he just doesn't listen to me. And she certainly doesn't sound like this is something permanent.

I don't even know if I believe any of this crap.....would you?

Do yourself a favor and don't talk to him or these "friends" anymore. If any of these people really cared about YOU, they'd understand your side, that he's a scammer and respect your need for support and/or privacy. You don't need more people in your life who don't care about you, now, or ever.

Regarding the death threat and harassment, I'd strongly suggest contacting the detective you dealt with previously. He should be able to coordinate with the police in the jurisdiction(s) that contain the offender(s) to get these people to cease and desist, have no-contact orders put against them, etc. Your ex is clearly a lunatic, so it follows that the people he associates with aren't good characters. Be safe, rather than sorry.

Other than that, don't accept communication from him or his associates. Block them all on IM, email, don't take their phone calls, etc.

Oh, and people who are serious about suicide don't attempt, they do. Once in awhile those actions go awry (like someone comes home unexpectedly and calls for help, or they shoot themselves in the temple, rather than putting the gun in their mouths), but that's usually not the case. If someone really wants to die, they find a good way to do it and follow through.

 

[Mrtouf]

There is always help available for those who are willing to look for it. If you didn't come here from the planet Krypton as a young child, I think your conscience can handle 'abandoning' one person. Next time someone pulls a 'somebody save me' routine you know to point them to the relevant agencies and let them deal with it.

 

[subwannabe]

Cease all contact with all of these people. I wouldn't believe any of that shit. If this girl was such a good friend why doesn't she let him stay with her? Worst case scenario - he actually kills himself. If he did it wouldn't be your fault. How are you supposed to stop him - by letting him come back to live with you and sucking up all your hard earned money and ruining your life? You can't make yourself responsible for crazy people. You can feel sorry for them but whatever happens is not your fault. Report death threats to the police. Is he back out of the country?

 

[Bandit58]

My ex husband told me on the phone when we were separated and going through the property settlement that he "might as well kill himself now and get it over with".

What really made me mad though was that our 14 year old daughter was with him at the time and she heard every word The only reason I contacted his brother about it was that I didn't want her to come home from school and find her father hanging somewhere or shot.

I realise now that it was emotional blackmail and he would never have done it. He did it to hurt me and make me feel guilty for leaving him. If it wasn't for our children I would have said "Go ahead, make my day"

 

[qrayze]

Glad to hear you're ok and safe...was getting worried about you.

I don't have anything else to add except to say listen to the advice you've been given. These people know what they're talking about.

*HUGS*

 

[NightingGale]

Thank you everyone. I think I just needed reassurance that it was ok not to care and not to believe it all. It's like my heart is freaking out because I'm abandoning someone when they need me, and I know what thats like...but my head knows its all BS and just trying to manipulate me.

I am safe, he left the country a while ago. And yeah, while hes here he has no one and no one will take him in, I'm the only person he has in the whole entire world. He gets back there, and he certainly has people who care a hell of alot.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Glad he not in the country anymore and that you are okay. I hope he never contacts you again (or his friends) because you are better off without him.

We all learn lessons as we go through life, some of them are harder than others.

 

[LikeableMe]

I'm really sorry to see everything you went through, and I'm glad he's now gone.

A friend of mine went through a very similar situation, I'm hoping sharing it will reassure you in some way.

She was alone for two years, with kids, when she met a guy in a club. He became a friend and started spending time at hers. I have always spent a lot of time there, helping with the children. Eventually a relationship developed between them to the point where he was staying over. Then we found all of his belongings hidden behind the multi-gym. My friend looked through them, and found his address details, and that he was an illegal immigrant. She told him to leave immediately.

He claimed he had given up his room at the address we had found, and had nowhere to go, so she let him stay. This scenario happened over and over, she would tell him he had to leave, he would disappear for a few days, and then come crawling back. We found out through a friend that he was staying in the room he'd apparently given up!

Then the violence started. Both sexual and physical. And every time he was asked to leave, he would grab a knife and start cutting his arm, threatening suicide. Even if the kids were around. When alone with the children, they would tell me things like he'd pinched them, or told them he hated them, which made my blood boil! He would always cry and say he had no money, the room was gone, and end up back in my friend's house.

Eventually she got her dad involved, and he was thrown out. He was only gone a few weeks before he was back again. Then the kids started having injuries, one was burned on the hand, which was left untreated until I got to her. The other had an injury so bad he nearly had to have a finger amputated. Not long after, my friend attempted suicide. I found her, and got her to hospital, and family looking after the children. The guy was thrown out and threatened by friends and family never to turn up on the doorstep again. He kept texting and calling anyway.

Then presents would appear on the windowsill overnight. My friend ignored them. Then he started turning up and looking in the windows once it was dark. Then he was knocking on them, and opening them, putting his hand in and shouting taunts at her! She phoned me, and I rushed over, having to pass right by him to get in the house. We called the police, they came over and took a statement, and arrested him.

He was in the cells overnight, but once released, kept texting and calling, leaving messages and crying. He would stand in the dark, watching the house (texting to say what he'd seen) but not coming too close. A few days later, one of his friends called to say he was in hospital, after attempting suicide. We don't believe he really did try.

Eventually we got rid of him, by keeping the police informed and involving the neighbours (like a neighbourhood watch!)

I hear he's still in the country, still has his room, and eventually moved on. It was a long and messy road to get to that point though!

So hang in there. It does get better, I promise. You have to take care of YOU. He is not your responsibility!

Take care of yourself!