help with jealousy?

[SweetSurrendered1]

I must have failed "sharing" in kindergarten because it is not something I do well... LOL. I used to feel very selfish for being so jealous. I don't anymore because I realized that it is just who I am. Some people are okay with sharing and some aren't and just like every other part of life, whether sexual, political, etc., it's okay to be who you are.

What you must realize for yourself is whether sharing is okay with you or not. If it's not, then you have not found the man for you. Your perfect mate will love you so much that he won't feel the need to be with another, especially if it's painful to you. As I already said, I cannot share. My husband, on the other hand, loves to share me. Of course I enjoy it also, but I would be perfectly happy having him be the only man I am ever with again; this would not make him happy however. He is perfectly happy being with only me but I know if I were a sharing person, he would also be happy being with others. The guilt used to be almost overwhelming for me but after many years, he finally made me believe that this is just another reason we are perfect for each other. I now feel comfortable in the knowledge that he wouldn't have it any other way.

After all that (sorry LOL), I will just say again that if you are not the sharing type and this man needs to have two or more women around, then I think you should keep looking. Stay with him for now if it is easier but start changing your mindset about your feelings for him so that when you find the right one, your feelings for this man won't blind you. Good luck!

 

[serijules]

I haven't read all the replies as I'm tired but I want to get my thoughts on this down, so my apologies if I missed anything or repeat.

Many people seem to have the opinion that poly relationships are for people with no self worth. At one time, I felt this way too, because the poly relationships I were in were not HEALTHY relationships. Heathy poly relationships can be incredible, amazing things. Does that mean there are never problems? Hell no. It means that the people involved in that relationship are committed to solving those problems and learning from them because they care about the emotional stability and happiness of everyone involved, including themselves. There is very little absense of self worth in this process.

I am in my 3rd poly relationship. I would admittedly prefer to not share, however, I also love my Domme (and her other sub!!) very much and the choice of being with them is preferable, and worth giving up my desire to not share. Someone commented that jealousy has no place in a poly relationship...I have to respectfully disagree. Jealousy is a feeling; feelings are always valid and always have a place in any relationship. It is what you do with those feelings and how you handle them that matter.

I handle my jealousy by writing about it in my journal and sharing it with not only her, but with her other sub as well, and we talk about it. If you try to hide it, try to deny it, try to shove it down and force it to go away...it will fester and turn into something ugly, and that is not acceptable. Sometimes, I find it very hard to talk about my feelings of jealousy because I feel guilty about having them, and I tend to bottle it up. At those times, I have learned to let her know that I need to talk about it by simply handing her a hairbrush and asking for a spanking until I talk. Not talking about it is not an option for me. This expectation allows us to deal with the feeling and move on, and all of us accept that the feelings WILL be there, they ARE valid, and not only that, they are perfectly normal. Even the most solid Poly relationships are going to create feelings of discontent and jealousy. No one is immune to this feeling, some are just better at convincing themselves it is something else and effectively not dealing with it. Again, that method is not acceptable if you expect this to work.

Usually, when I am feeling jealous and I examine my feelings by talking them out, I realize that my feelings of jealousy were often stemming from something else. A misunderstanding about a time I thought we were going to play and she played with her other sub instead left me feeling jealous. When I talked about it, I realized that my insecurities about misunderstanding her intentions were more to blame for my feelings than feelings of jealousy about her spending time with her other sub instead of me.

Poly is extremely difficult and not for everyone, but please don't be so quick to condemn it just because it isn't for you, or to make assumptions about those that are involved in poly relationships. For some, it does work, but not without a lot of hard worth and effort. The strength and self worth and communication skills that I have gained from sharing are extremely solid. I am proud of these skills. I am proud of the efforts I put into my relationships and the happiness and security that comes from the "family" feel.

But I still get jealous. The key is simply to find ways to deal with it without compromising your feelings nor hurting the others involved. I deal with mine by asking for a release spanking and talking it out, and in that process I get reassurance and a better understanding of the situation that sparked the jealousy in the first place. 9 times out of 10, my jealous feelings were a result of a misunderstanding on MY part of the situation, or stem from assumptions made by me. Once the picture is laid out for me and I understand the reactions/feelings/thoughts/intentions of the others, I can deal much much better.

Communication isn't just the key, it's the entire fuckin locksmith shop. You will constantly be testing out different keys, different methods, different ways of communicating to make a poly relationship not just work, but work well, for all involved.

That being said...this situation doesn't seem healthy to me in some ways because he does not seem willing to communicate with you about this other person, which is just asking for trouble and extremely unreasonable of him. If he can't be upfront with you about the relationship and realize that withholding basic information is going to make your mind run wild, then his expectations are unrealistic and he isn't very in tune to what makes a poly relationship work at this stage. That is assuming that you have TOLD him about your feelings.

There is a security that comes at some point in the relationship where it doesn't matter who else the top is involved with because your own relationship is so strong and so secure that you really simply do not need to know. But that level is found through a long process and often years of experience with one another, it doesn't just "exist". You need to sit down with him and make that process begin, find ways to communicate and deal with your jealousy to turn it into something positive (the lessons I learn and the feelings shared during discussions of jealous feelings are very valuable and positive for me as they give me a deeper understanding of those that I love and are involved with), or as others have suggested, find someone whom shares your ideals about monogamous relationships.

Either way...good luck!!! You will need it