Hey Eve

[twelveoone]

But I will continue to write whatever I please, and I look forward to you challenging me every step of the way.

As well you should, I look forward to it.
But frankly, most of the comments I leave are just simple-minded raves, you reduce me to that.

Re:Av's I am glad to see you came out of the sun, you were looking a little brown and wrinkly for a while. Not bad, ...still not you.
twelve o one

 

[WickedEve]

happy floating.

about the poem.....i don't quite understand the importance of the internalize/externalize debate.....can no one write quality verse or prose from afar? must one be an immediate victim to capture suffering?

i'm not sure what about the poem displeases you, eve (other than the obvious fact that you did not experience it personally), but i think it is breathtaking.

Well, it didn't particularly displease me at first. Honestly, 1201's comments have made me feel a little displeased with it. He has made me realize that it could be much better. At least, that's how his comments affected me. And that's not a bad thing. I've revised this poem so many times that I had grown to hate it a little. I really wanted to submit it and try to get it out of my system. I was obsessed with revising it.

 

[WickedEve]

As well you should, I look forward to it.
But frankly, most of the comments I leave are just simple-minded raves, you reduce me to that.

Re:Av's I am glad to see you came out of the sun, you were looking a little brown and wrinkly for a while. Not bad, ...still not you.
twelve o one

The av was the top half of a Yoruba shango dance wand. It's now in Italy or somewhere. I forgot where I shipped it to.

 

[BooMerengue]

Well, it didn't particularly displease me at first. Honestly, 1201's comments have made me feel a little displeased with it. He has made me realize that it could be much better. At least, that's how his comments affected me. And that's not a bad thing. I've revised this poem so many times that I had grown to hate it a little. I really wanted to submit it and try to get it out of my system. I was obsessed with revising it.

Trust yourself, first, Evie! You've done well by that. Listen to that Still small voice... it's never wrong!

 

[WickedEve]

Trust yourself, first, Evie! You've done well by that. Listen to that Still small voice... it's never wrong!

What if the small voice is dancing around singing "la la la"?

 

[PatCarrington]

Well, it didn't particularly displease me at first. Honestly, 1201's comments have made me feel a little displeased with it. He has made me realize that it could be much better. At least, that's how his comments affected me. And that's not a bad thing. I've revised this poem so many times that I had grown to hate it a little. I really wanted to submit it and try to get it out of my system. I was obsessed with revising it.

whatever the quality, i think it is good to toss it off for a while when you become obsessed.

being "too close" can cloud objectivity, no?

pressed up so tight against it, it can become impossible to tell whether you improve or damage when rewriting.

i love the poem so much, i think i could argue the "leave it as it is" side against any argument at even slight change.

 

[twelveoone]

Well, it didn't particularly displease me at first. Honestly, 1201's comments have made me feel a little displeased with it. He has made me realize that it could be much better. At least, that's how his comments affected me. And that's not a bad thing. I've revised this poem so many times that I had grown to hate it a little. I really wanted to submit it and try to get it out of my system. I was obsessed with revising it.

Not my intent Eve, everything could be better. Obsession is good, but if I were you I would take Pat' s view, I respect him ; and it if you internalize too much of it, it would take it way past Sylvia Plath territory, and it may become too unreadable for a larger audience as too painfull, and it will take a toll on you.
You would be right to put it away for awhile.

The comment I left, was a referent to earlier emails, nothing more.

 

[Tathagata]

i love the poem so much, i think i could argue the "leave it as it is" side against any argument at even slight change.

I agree

 

[flyguy69]

What if the small voice is dancing around singing "la la la"?

At least that small voice is writing poetry that rhymes!

 

[WickedEve]

At least that small voice is writing poetry that rhymes!

The small voice just gurgled and gasped and stopped doing that breathing thing. Damn rhyming small voice.

 

[BooMerengue]

What if the small voice is dancing around singing "la la la"?

Then I think you should write a poem about someone dancing around singing "la la la"!

 

[WickedEve]

Then I think you should write a poem about someone dancing around singing "la la la"!

In other words, do whatever the voice says? Hmmm... What? You want me to write a poem about Boo doing what? Oh, I couldn't. That's so baaadddd!

 

[BooMerengue]

In other words, do whatever the voice says? Hmmm... What? You want me to write a poem about Boo doing what? Oh, I couldn't. That's so baaadddd!

lmao, you harridan!!! It can't be bad if Boo's doing it... unless she's doing it badly. What am I doing?

 

[WickedEve]

lmao, you harridan!!! It can't be bad if Boo's doing it... unless she's doing it badly. What am I doing?

The voice wants me to write a poem about you crocheting book covers while sitting in a tub of expired tofu. (it's not me. it's the voice!)

 

[BooMerengue]

The voice wants me to write a poem about you crocheting book covers while sitting in a tub of expired tofu. (it's not me. it's the voice!)

I wish I knew how to crochet... I need bathcloths.

*hands Eve one of her purple shaggy pills...

Hush that voice!

 

[WickedEve]

I wish I knew how to crochet... I need bathcloths.

*hands Eve one of her purple shaggy pills...

Hush that voice!

Time for a fresh tub of tofu, boo.

 

[WickedEve]

1201, I took the Bread poem to another board to get some feedback. Yes, I'm still fretting over the poem. It'll be interesting to hear comments from, hopefully, people who don't know me. If their comments result in a revision, I may post it here.

 

[BooMerengue]

Time for a fresh tub of tofu, boo.

ugh... Not if it tastes like chicken!

 

[WickedEve]

ugh... Not if it tastes like chicken!

It tastes like tofu. But tofu can taste like chicken if you soak in some chicken fat. I mean if you soak the tofu in chicken fat. I think that's what I mean.

 

[BooMerengue]

It tastes like tofu. But tofu can taste like chicken if you soak in some chicken fat. I mean if you soak the tofu in chicken fat. I think that's what I mean.

My kid went to the Edgar Cayce Camp every year. She came home with a recipe for chocolate tofu shakes... she said they were yummy. ercchhh

 

[BooMerengue]

My kid went to the Edgar Cayce Camp every year. She came home with a recipe for chocolate tofu shakes... she said they were yummy. ercchhh

ummm, Eve? Can you or someone please tell me where the Start New Thread button went?

 

[Reltne]

New Threrd button

ummm, Eve? Can you or someone please tell me where the Start New Thread button went?

It may be getting fixed. It was misspelled in several skins.

 

[BooMerengue]

It may be getting fixed. It was misspelled in several skins.

Well, TY, darling, but how are others starting new threads? I need a word...

 

[WickedEve]

Back to my Bread. I took the poem to another board that I once frequented. In the past 4 days, only person visited the board. Fortunately, I know her and she's very good poet. She made a suggestion for a revision. Below is the original and a variant of her suggested revision.

I'd love some feedback, please.

Revision:

"The worth of your shawl
is but a stale loaf?

"Listen to me, Hadassah.
I am a softly lit corner,
a sack of grain.

"My arms are embers,
and there is no harm in being
frayed and frail in them."

Hollow words from my hearth.
I cannot touch Lodz winter,
nor feel her rawboned tremble--

she is merely sepia,
here past the hour of enduring.

Bleak dawn turns another page.
Weariness scans Shoah passages
that emerge on the horizon of my hand.

I pause.

And in the abundance of my life,
I write this meager bread,
hardly a bellyful to ache any heart.


Original:

...and she bartered warmth
for bread.

Her image is rawboned
in sepia, a mere stranger
here past the hour of enduring.

But as night tapers
to familiar,
crumbs fall before her:


The worth of your shawl
is but a stale loaf?

Listen to me, Hadassah.
I am a soft lit corner,
a sack of grain.

My arms are embers,
and there is no harm in being
frayed and frail in them.

Hollow words
from my hearth.
I cannot touch Lodz winter,
nor feel it in her trembling.

Bleak dawn
turns another page.
Weariness scans Shoah passages
that emerge on the horizon of my hand.

I pause.

And in the abundance of my life,
I write this meager bread,
hardly a bellyful to ache any heart.

 

[Tathagata]

Back to my Bread. I took the poem to another board that I once frequented. In the past 4 days, only person visited the board. Fortunately, I know her and she's very good poet. She made a suggestion for a revision. Below is the original and a variant of her suggested revision.



Original:

...and she bartered warmth
for bread.

Her image is rawboned
in sepia, a mere stranger
here past the hour of enduring.

But as night tapers
to familiar,
crumbs fall before her:


The worth of your shawl
is but a stale loaf?

Listen to me, Hadassah.
I am a soft lit corner,
a sack of grain.

My arms are embers,
and there is no harm in being
frayed and frail in them.

Hollow words
from my hearth.
I cannot touch Lodz winter,
nor feel it in her trembling.

Bleak dawn
turns another page.
Weariness scans Shoah passages
that emerge on the horizon of my hand.

I pause.

And in the abundance of my life,
I write this meager bread,
hardly a bellyful to ache any heart.

i wouldn't change the "..and she bartered warmth for bread'
That's a powerful line and sets the tone for the whole things, to my ear anyway

perhaps
" Is the worth of your shawl but a stale loaf?"


there may be a better word than " hollow" for words
something that means well intentioned but useless
yeah just grab a thesaurus


same with trembling..
"I cannot touch Lodz winter,
nor feel it in her trembling"
rheumatic step?
rounded spine
something on that idea maybe?


as for the revision...its give the poem a whole different feel that, to me, takes away the oppressiveness of the original
the poem, as I said, is heavy
it weighs on you
and makes you FEEL the ache in her bones and the shame in her heart

these are just things that came to mind while I was waiting for work to do
i thought I'd toss them out
Good luck with the poem
It deserve to be polished to a gem
you'll do it eventually