Hey Eve

[PatCarrington]

i agree with tath.

the heaviness of the original seems somehow to be lost.

maybe it is the introduction of your thoughts and words before the reader knows her.....i'm not sure.

on quick and initial reading, i think the original is far better.

 

[WickedEve]

i wouldn't change the "..and she bartered warmth for bread'
That's a powerful line and sets the tone for the whole things, to my ear anyway

perhaps
" Is the worth of your shawl but a stale loaf?"


there may be a better word than " hollow" for words
something that means well intentioned but useless
yeah just grab a thesaurus


same with trembling..
"I cannot touch Lodz winter,
nor feel it in her trembling"
rheumatic step?
rounded spine
something on that idea maybe?


as for the revision...its give the poem a whole different feel that, to me, takes away the oppressiveness of the original
the poem, as I said, is heavy
it weighs on you
and makes you FEEL the ache in her bones and the shame in her heart

these are just things that came to mind while I was waiting for work to do
i thought I'd toss them out
Good luck with the poem
It deserve to be polished to a gem
you'll do it eventually

Thanks, Tath. I have the original and the revision at another board called The Critical Poet's Poetry Forum. I don't know if I'll get much help there or not. So far, they're giving me some basic suggestions. The other board I posted it on is at Lotus Blooms. There are some incredible poets there, but the place is dead right now. I don't usually go this nuts with a poem. I work on it, then I post it here, and that's about it.

 

[WickedEve]

i agree with tath.

the heaviness of the original seems somehow to be lost.

maybe it is the introduction of your thoughts and words before the reader knows her.....i'm not sure.

on quick and initial reading, i think the original is far better.

Thank you. I know what I need to do. I need to back away and stop driving myself nuts. If I could go a week or two without looking at it, I'd be able to see it more clearly.

 

[Tathagata]

Thanks, Tath. I have the original and the revision at another board called The Critical Poet's Poetry Forum. I don't know if I'll get much help there or not. So far, they're giving me some basic suggestions. The other board I posted it on is at Lotus Blooms. There are some incredible poets there, but the place is dead right now. I don't usually go this nuts with a poem. I work on it, then I post it here, and that's about it.

yes you are So un-anal

this deserves the time...but don't go nuts
what is it exactly that bothers you?
or is it other people saying it could be better?
it seems to me the only thing you could do is make it more direct
it shouldn't be veiled
but it shouldn't be blatant either.


I think the subject matter begs honesty, starkness, and the absurdity and pain and shame of it will come through no matter what.
Keep it simple

 

[Tathagata]

i agree with tath.

there are few men brave enough to admit that in public

 

[WickedEve]

yes you are So un-anal

this deserves the time...but don't go nuts
what is it exactly that bothers you?
or is it other people saying it could be better?
it seems to me the only thing you could do is make it more direct
it shouldn't be veiled
but it shouldn't be blatant either.


I think the subject matter begs honesty, starkness, and the absurdity and pain and shame of it will come through no matter what.
Keep it simple

What are you talking about? A poem? What poem? That poem does not exist for the next week or two. I will not revise it, read it, think about it. No. I'm now thinking of a poem about... sex. Okay, I'm just thinking about sex--no poem.

 

[PatCarrington]

there are few men brave enough to admit that in public

i haven't had any coffee yet.

i reserve the right to retract.

 

[Tathagata]

Thank you. I know what I need to do. I need to back away and stop driving myself nuts. If I could go a week or two without looking at it, I'd be able to see it more clearly.

i was gonna say that but sometimes when you do that you never get the " mood" back
but i think that's a good idea too



hana is having her brain sucked huh?
she's way too smart for a kid her age...but she most certainly takes after her mom
; )

 

[Tathagata]

i haven't had any coffee yet.

i reserve the right to retract.

spoken like a true new yorker

 

[PatCarrington]

Thank you. I know what I need to do. I need to back away and stop driving myself nuts. If I could go a week or two without looking at it, I'd be able to see it more clearly.

i think you need to put that in a dark drawer, and write a poem about Goliath.

 

[WickedEve]

i think you need to put that in a dark drawer, and write a poem about Goliath.

I could write a tragic poem about him and his crippling situation. He's... um... missing a part. I don't know where it is. Poor thing.

 

[PatCarrington]

I could write a tragic poem about him and his crippling situation. He's... um... missing a part. I don't know where it is. Poor thing.

......he didn't trade it for bread, did he?

you have to remember to feed him, there by the hearth.

 

[WickedEve]

......he didn't trade it for bread, did he?

you have to remember to feed him, there by the hearth.

I have several responses to your comment, but... I'm going to be good today. I really am.

 

[PatCarrington]

I have several responses to your comment, but... I'm going to be good today. I really am.

can't i have just one?

pick the best one....then you can be good.

 

[WickedEve]

can't i have just one?

pick the best one....then you can be good.

Nooo.
If I give you the best one, then everyone here will think I have a filthy mind.

 

[PatCarrington]

Nooo.
If I give you the best one, then everyone here will think I have a filthy mind.

i too have several responses for that, but i am going to follow your fine example.

besides, you're a moderator. everyone looks up to you. you have power.

if it wasn't for your virtue, everyone would just be in a big pile on the floor here, doing god knows what to each other.

thank you for your self-restraint.

 

[flyguy69]

there are few men brave enough to admit that in public

I agree with Tath often, since most of his comments have to do with drinking beer or getting laid.

And he is right about this poem, too. The original introduction creates the sepia melancholy that fuels this piece.

But don't let that stop you from shoving it into a drawer full of broken dildos for a couple weeks. It may come out with a very different feel.