Hitting

[JMohegan]

Great name for a blog. As for the content....

2) Dom hitting. I've experienced this one. He's so used to hitting you during sex and giving playful swats or full-on "punishments" for "infractions," that you're out of role and you genuinely displease him and he spanks you. (Or you're just walking around and he sneak-attacks, which is not morally offensive but is very annoying.) The problem here is pretty self-evident, I think: a sub's consent isn't carte blanche, and sexy-hitting should have absolutely nothing to do with real hitting.

Like the girl hitting, dom hitting in my experience is usually meant to be silly and not physically dangerous. He's not deliberately being cruel, he's just failing to realize that the difference between a little spank for being such a dirty slut and a little spank for sass mouth is huge. It may hurt the same or less, but it's crossing the consent line. And it's scary. A lot scarier, I think, than he realizes. I've ditched guys over this; if I can't trust a guy when we're out of role just messing around, how can I trust him to tie me up?

The blogger makes clear that she's talking about her own experience here. I don't consider this to be insulting to doms everywhere, or belittling of kinky people in general. She has just experienced a different dynamic, the expectations of which vary from mine and many others.

I am not interested in the punishment dynamic, but neither am I interested in a relationship with a woman prone to "sass mouth."

I do understand why she considers a guy lashing out in anger to be scary, and why that behavior would erode her trust. Many people (including myself) were raised to believe that physically lashing out in anger constitutes an unacceptable lapse in personal control.

 

[00Syd]

She's making one calculated error. These are *her* limits and she's extrapolating them onto everyone else.

*ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!!*

All I could think while reading that was how these are things that get on her nerves and are not okay in her relationships. If she had phrased it that way instead of just saying "this is not okay" and implying that it is not ever okay for anyone, I would have found it less annoying to read.

I have no problem with "cute" girl hits. I do that all the time, and really don't feel like it in any way negates my potential power, and I don't think that it makes the guy I am "cute" hitting believe I'm some pathetic little thing. I don't find it annoying when I see other people do it. Maybe I'm just brainwashed by sitcoms or whatever, but I think its a playful and fun way to deal with a situation that could become unpleasant super quick if we stayed all serious about it. I guess I just don't see any real sociological/feminist/whatever important what-have-you issues behind "cute" girl hitting.

As for "dom-hitting," again, this is a playful thing. I might swat him with a "cute" girl hit, and he might swat my ass back, and its playful and fun. It doesn't "cross the consent" line for me. I'm really perfectly fine with Seb hitting my ass now and again out of the bedroom, and in fact, I might even enjoy it. Again, this might not be okay for this particular blogger, but its okay, and even desirable, for me in my relationships.

This blogger might find my relationship (that has "cute" hitting as well as "dom hitting") annoying, and that's okay. I might find her relationship annoying, but I'm not going to tell her that what she is doing isn't okay. It's okay for her, and that's what matters.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Great name for a blog. As for the content....

The blogger makes clear that she's talking about her own experience here. I don't consider this to be insulting to doms everywhere, or belittling of kinky people in general. She has just experienced a different dynamic, the expectations of which vary from mine and many others.

I am not interested in the punishment dynamic, but neither am I interested in a relationship with a woman prone to "sass mouth."

I do understand why she considers a guy lashing out in anger to be scary, and why that behavior would erode her trust. Many people (including myself) were raised to believe that physically lashing out in anger constitutes an unacceptable lapse in personal control.

somehow i didn't pick up that she was simply referring to her own desires and preferences and what works and does not work in her world. she very much seems to be projecting these ideas on to the world at large, and she also seems to not recognize that for a great many people the world of domination and submission is not a game or kink, something reserved for "playtime only."

also, a man slapping a woman because of "sass mouth" does not necessarily equate to lashing out in anger.

 

[satindesire]

This is my opinion about the subject:

I believe that if someone hits anyone out of anger, they'd better be ready for an asswhooping. Regardless of gender.

If a woman hits a man like a man hits a man, she puts herself in the place of a man and if she gets stomped, that's her problem. Same goes for men. If someone hauls off and punches Mister, that guy better be prepared to brawl. All this feminism and gender equality doesn't mean jack if it's not held to the highest standards. Girls are not weaker, lesser, or somehow less responsible for their actions than men, and if we're going to be treated as equals, we need to be treated as equals in ALL rights, even when it comes to fighting.

I would never EVER hit anyone I didn't feel ready to take on in a full on fistfight.

I don't even slap out of anger! I was physically abused for years by my ex, I know what it's like to feel afraid and weak, I know what it's like to be hurt physically because of anger. It's not a fun thing. I could never be with a man again that hit me out of anger, whether I'm a sub or not.

Mister and I have spoken several times about this subject and he pretty much agrees with me. Although I seriously doubt he could bring himself to actually hurt anyone anymore (he's grown up past the fight-anything-that-moves phase) unless he absolutely needed to.

 

[JMohegan]

somehow i didn't pick up that she was simply referring to her own desires and preferences and what works and does not work in her world. she very much seems to be projecting these ideas on to the world at large, and she also seems to not recognize that for a great many people the world of domination and submission is not a game or kink, something reserved for "playtime only."

also, a man slapping a woman because of "sass mouth" does not necessarily equate to lashing out in anger.

I understand that punishment is considered a legitimate part of many dynamics, that punishment may be prompted by anger *or* as simple behavior correction, and that slapping, hitting, or spanking for any reason is considered to be the right of the D in many cases.

The blogger outright states "dom hitting in my experience is usually meant to be..." and uses "I" throughout her description of why the D spanking in response to being "genuinely displeased" would erode trust and make her scared.

The blog reads, to me, like a diary of sorts. She does seem ill-informed on relationships involving non-bedroom power dynamics, clearly. But in the context of personal venting and musings, that doesn't bother me at all.

 

[graceanne]

This is my opinion about the subject:

I believe that if someone hits anyone out of anger, they'd better be ready for an asswhooping. Regardless of gender.

If a woman hits a man like a man hits a man, she puts herself in the place of a man and if she gets stomped, that's her problem. Same goes for men. If someone hauls off and punches Mister, that guy better be prepared to brawl. All this feminism and gender equality doesn't mean jack if it's not held to the highest standards. Girls are not weaker, lesser, or somehow less responsible for their actions than men, and if we're going to be treated as equals, we need to be treated as equals in ALL rights, even when it comes to fighting.

I would never EVER hit anyone I didn't feel ready to take on in a full on fistfight.

I don't even slap out of anger! I was physically abused for years by my ex, I know what it's like to feel afraid and weak, I know what it's like to be hurt physically because of anger. It's not a fun thing. I could never be with a man again that hit me out of anger, whether I'm a sub or not.

Mister and I have spoken several times about this subject and he pretty much agrees with me. Although I seriously doubt he could bring himself to actually hurt anyone anymore (he's grown up past the fight-anything-that-moves phase) unless he absolutely needed to.

This has always been mine (and K's) feeling on the issue. Once K's girlfriend broke his nose, and he didn't do anything because 'you don't hit girls', and another girl at his work just laughed at him. She pointed out pretty much what you just said, and K's from that moment on figured if a girl is going to hit him with the intent to hurt he's gonna hit her back. He's allowed to defend himself. It's what I teach my children - don't start the fight, but you can defend yourself.

I don't hit, at all. I'm not very strong, and I'm a lousy fighter (in the physical sense - I can hold my own verbally).

 

[Pervocracy]

I have been with men who like hitting before. I never felt they crossed any line...infact my fav dom of all time once had to punish me for being late, and i didn't know what to expect. He punched me right in my left tit...at atleast close to full force, knocking me down and almost makeing me puke...then he draged me into the bath room, and threw me in the shower, clothing and all, and turned on the cold water full bore...If he wanted me baack today he could hit me all he wanted...

Jesus Christ! Why the fuck didn't you call the fucking police?

I'm the original author of that blog, and I found this, and it upset me enough to register here, just to say:

There is no such thing as a sub. You cannot "really" be a sub. You can derive great pleasure from playing the part of a submissive, but you are still a person. He's not actually better than you. If you have no control over your own life, if you can be hit when you genuinely don't want it--you're an abused person.

Because fuck, where does it stop? How do you say something is really not okay? How do you disobey an order because you really need to or want to? Is entering the relationship the last decision you make in your life? I know I'm not everybody, I know that personally I am a roleplayer (and no shame in it), but I can't imagine genuinely having no control over when and how I'm hit. It seems indistinguishable from actual violence and abuse.




Actually, here's a question I've always wanted to ask lifestyle people: how do you reconcile the "controlling your life for the best" part of D/s with the hitting part? I can understand (if not entirely agree with) relationship where the Dom tries to shape the sub's life for their own ultimate benefit. But where do beatings fall into that? It seems like when you're totally taking over someone's life for their own good, it's counterproductive and an abuse of power to also hit them.

Beatings for purely sexual reasons are another thing, those are just fun, but beatings for real-life infractions seem ethically wrong and relationshippally counterproductive to me.

 

[Etoile]

There is no such thing as a sub. You cannot "really" be a sub. You can derive great pleasure from playing the part of a submissive, but you are still a person. He's not actually better than you. If you have no control over your own life, if you can be hit when you genuinely don't want it--you're an abused person.

Because fuck, where does it stop? How do you say something is really not okay? How do you disobey an order because you really need to or want to? Is entering the relationship the last decision you make in your life? I know I'm not everybody, I know that personally I am a roleplayer (and no shame in it), but I can't imagine genuinely having no control over when and how I'm hit. It seems indistinguishable from actual violence and abuse.

I look forward to the responses to this.

 

[satindesire]

Jesus Christ! Why the fuck didn't you call the fucking police?

I'm the original author of that blog, and I found this, and it upset me enough to register here, just to say:

There is no such thing as a sub. You cannot "really" be a sub. You can derive great pleasure from playing the part of a submissive, but you are still a person. He's not actually better than you. If you have no control over your own life, if you can be hit when you genuinely don't want it--you're an abused person.

Because fuck, where does it stop? How do you say something is really not okay? How do you disobey an order because you really need to or want to? Is entering the relationship the last decision you make in your life? I know I'm not everybody, I know that personally I am a roleplayer (and no shame in it), but I can't imagine genuinely having no control over when and how I'm hit. It seems indistinguishable from actual violence and abuse.




Actually, here's a question I've always wanted to ask lifestyle people: how do you reconcile the "controlling your life for the best" part of D/s with the hitting part? I can understand (if not entirely agree with) relationship where the Dom tries to shape the sub's life for their own ultimate benefit. But where do beatings fall into that? It seems like when you're totally taking over someone's life for their own good, it's counterproductive and an abuse of power to also hit them.

Beatings for purely sexual reasons are another thing, those are just fun, but beatings for real-life infractions seem ethically wrong and relationshippally counterproductive to me.

Ummm...not EVERY Dominant hits their sub. And being a sub isn't about being 'less than' their Dominant, it means to many people that they SERVE the Dominant because they love them.

I understand that you aren't very educated about the ins and outs of BDSM, but honestly, you're going to piss a lot of people off if you comment on things like this when that's just the narrowest tip of the iceburg of the many different kinds of relationships that happen in a BDSM setting.

I strongly suggest you do some reading and researching before you make posts like this, because not everyone in the BDSM community is like this.

Making such a generalization is like saying "all gay people are promiscuous" and "all heterosexual men in Georgia are rednecks" and you should honestly know better just by sheer logic that it's not true.

 

[Pervocracy]

Sorry, I'm not trying to troll, and I have been involved with the real-world BDSM community for a few years now. I don't think that 24/7 relationships are always wrong or anything like that. I don't even think 24/7 relationships that include SM are wrong either.

But... I work in emergency services. I see a lot of women come in with bruises, even broken arms, and demand we not press charges because that's just how their relationship is and besides they were bad and deserved it. And hearing about someone getting punched with a closed fist in anger and having no ability to stop it at that moment makes me wonder what the difference really is.

Maybe I'm reading this all wrong. Maybe she really was agreeing to it and she could've safeworded out but chose to endure it. That would be awesome. But the posts here make it sound like a sub actually gives up freedom, like there's a point where they're not choosing, and that's... that's really not okay. It doesn't even matter how violent he is, even if he's only telling her what to have for dinner, if she isn't on some level choosing to obey him and accept his punishments, it's not BDSM anymore, it's freaky shit.

 

[BiBunny]

So it's ok if it's her choice to be spanked or whatever, but it's not ok for her (or him--there are plenty of male subs) to choose to dedicate her life to another? That seems a little backward to me.

 

[nh23]

Sorry, I'm not trying to troll, and I have been involved with the real-world BDSM community for a few years now. I don't think that 24/7 relationships are always wrong or anything like that. I don't even think 24/7 relationships that include SM are wrong either.

But... I work in emergency services. I see a lot of women come in with bruises, even broken arms, and demand we not press charges because that's just how their relationship is and besides they were bad and deserved it. And hearing about someone getting punched with a closed fist in anger and having no ability to stop it at that moment makes me wonder what the difference really is.

Maybe I'm reading this all wrong. Maybe she really was agreeing to it and she could've safeworded out but chose to endure it. That would be awesome. But the posts here make it sound like a sub actually gives up freedom, like there's a point where they're not choosing, and that's... that's really not okay. It doesn't even matter how violent he is, even if he's only telling her what to have for dinner, if she isn't on some level choosing to obey him and accept his punishments, it's not BDSM anymore, it's freaky shit.

Some of us don't have safewords. Is it relevant if I never make choices in my relationship if I made the choice in the first place to be in a relationship like this.

 

[Pervocracy]

So it's ok if it's her choice to be spanked or whatever, but it's not ok for her (or him--there are plenty of male subs) to choose to dedicate her life to another? That seems a little backward to me.

Well, the thing is, I can say, "Spank me, spank me! ...Okay, I'm not enjoying it any more, stop spanking me." If I start hating it, if I start realizing I don't want it any more, I can regain control over my body and my life. And (although this is only by the generosity of the top, stopping it is a human right but adjustments are a favor) I can even say "a little less hard" and have it turn back into something I enjoy.

Can someone who's dedicated their life in that way do the same?

 

[Etoile]

Well, the thing is, I can say, "Spank me, spank me! ...Okay, I'm not enjoying it any more, stop spanking me." If I start hating it, if I start realizing I don't want it any more, I can regain control over my body and my life. And (although this is only by the generosity of the top, stopping it is a human right but adjustments are a favor) I can even say "a little less hard" and have it turn back into something I enjoy.

Can someone who's dedicated their life in that way do the same?

What you're describing is a pure bottom, not a submissive or slave. If your view of BDSM is that we should all just be bottoms, you will find a very different perspective here. (Welcome to Lit, BTW.)

 

[nh23]

Well, the thing is, I can say, "Spank me, spank me! ...Okay, I'm not enjoying it any more, stop spanking me." If I start hating it, if I start realizing I don't want it any more, I can regain control over my body and my life. And (although this is only by the generosity of the top, stopping it is a human right but adjustments are a favor) I can even say "a little less hard" and have it turn back into something I enjoy.

Can someone who's dedicated their life in that way do the same?

No. But you're missing the point. We made the choice in the first place to give up those rights. Hence an informed decision. A consensual decision from the beginning

 

[BiBunny]

Well, the thing is, I can say, "Spank me, spank me! ...Okay, I'm not enjoying it any more, stop spanking me." If I start hating it, if I start realizing I don't want it any more, I can regain control over my body and my life. And (although this is only by the generosity of the top, stopping it is a human right but adjustments are a favor) I can even say "a little less hard" and have it turn back into something I enjoy.

Can someone who's dedicated their life in that way do the same?

Some people need to be pushed past that point of "ow, it hurts." I'm one of those people. I can elaborate if you like.

 

[Pervocracy]

Some people need to be pushed past that point of "ow, it hurts." I'm one of those people. I can elaborate if you like.

No one needs it, it's a fetish. But some people will enjoy it or feel they've gained something from it, yeah.

Some people won't.

Even if you trust your Dom not to deliberately harm you, he's not a god or a mindreader. If he doesn't listen to and respect your feedback, there's no malice required--he may really not know when he's started to do real harm.

 

[Etoile]

No one needs it, it's a fetish. But some people will enjoy it or feel they've gained something from it, yeah.

Some people won't.

Even if you trust your Dom not to deliberately harm you, he's not a god or a mindreader. If he doesn't listen to and respect your feedback, there's no malice required--he may really not know when he's started to do real harm.

How do you define "real harm?"

 

[rosco rathbone]

Weird...who da thunk the blog OP person would show up?

Welcome to lit, pervocracy.

 

[Etoile]

Weird...who da thunk the blog OP person would show up?

Welcome to lit, pervocracy.

I'm totally happy about it. How often do we post about random shit and never get to talk to the person who got US all talking? This is way cool.

 

[Pervocracy]

How do you define "real harm?"

When it doesn't make you happy. I do my fake play-pretend imaginary BDSM because it brings me joy. I understand a beating may not make you happy in the moment but later you'll be glad--but there's a point at which you're just miserable. Where you're feeling real fear and the bad kind of pain and you feel betrayed and helpless. I know, you have to trust someone tremendously to give over no-safeword control, but people sometimes change and people very often make mistakes.

When that happens, what's your out?

 

[nh23]

When it doesn't make you happy. I do my fake play-pretend imaginary BDSM because it brings me joy. I understand a beating may not make you happy in the moment but later you'll be glad--but there's a point at which you're just miserable. Where you're feeling real fear and the bad kind of pain and you feel betrayed and helpless. I know, you have to trust someone tremendously to give over no-safeword control, but people sometimes change and people very often make mistakes.

When that happens, what's your out?

I'm speaking for my own M/s relationship and not others. My out. The door. If I don't want this life (that I chose) if I don't want to follow his rules or endure what he dishes out. He'll kindly show me to the door. I think my posts are invisible though as they have been ignored thus far.

 

[Etoile]

When it doesn't make you happy. I do my fake play-pretend imaginary BDSM because it brings me joy. I understand a beating may not make you happy in the moment but later you'll be glad--but there's a point at which you're just miserable. Where you're feeling real fear and the bad kind of pain and you feel betrayed and helpless. I know, you have to trust someone tremendously to give over no-safeword control, but people sometimes change and people very often make mistakes.

When that happens, what's your out?

I'm still seeing very much a "bottom" mentality here. Really, you're describing a bottom perfectly well, and there's nothing wrong with being a bottom - but it's not what most people here are into. Of course being in genuine pain isn't going to make people happy, pain hurts. Of course feeling helpless and miserable isn't going to make people happy, they're shitty emotions. But being in the relationship does make them happy. And all that goes with it makes them happy, including them times when they feel sad. You don't HAVE to be happy all the time to be happy with the relationship.

 

[Pervocracy]

I'm speaking for my own M/s relationship and not others. My out. The door. If I don't want this life (that I chose) if I don't want to follow his rules or endure what he dishes out. He'll kindly show me to the door. I think my posts are invisible though as they have been ignored thus far.

Good for you. It would upset me being in a relationship where I had to end everything if I didn't like one thing, but as long as you've got an out.

 

[nh23]

Good for you. It would upset me being in a relationship where I had to end everything if I didn't like one thing, but as long as you've got an out.

I'm a slave. Not a bottom. That's what makes me happy. I'm glad you do what makes you happy. It's a beautiful thing. I see nothing wrong with the way you are. I see nothing wrong with the way I am.