Hitting

[Pervocracy]

I'm still seeing very much a "bottom" mentality here. Really, you're describing a bottom perfectly well, and there's nothing wrong with being a bottom - but it's not what most people here are into. Of course being in genuine pain isn't going to make people happy, pain hurts. Of course feeling helpless and miserable isn't going to make people happy, they're shitty emotions. But being in the relationship does make them happy. And all that goes with it makes them happy, including them times when they feel sad. You don't HAVE to be happy all the time to be happy with the relationship.

See, that's indistinguishable from what I hear from abused women. They don't like what he does to them, but being with him is a tremendous source of emotional and/or practical security in their life, so they endure. It doesn't make what he does okay.

 

[BiBunny]

No one needs it, it's a fetish. But some people will enjoy it or feel they've gained something from it, yeah.

Some people won't.

Even if you trust your Dom not to deliberately harm you, he's not a god or a mindreader. If he doesn't listen to and respect your feedback, there's no malice required--he may really not know when he's started to do real harm.

Beg to differ. Look up the definition of "fetish." S&M doesn't fit.

Also, I think that feeling extremely unfulfilled and unhappy when you don't get something qualifies as an emotional need, rather than just something fun to do instead of sitting around twiddling your thumbs.

Even if you have a safeword, you can still be hurt. All it takes is one slip. Nobody's perfect. I don't have a safeword. Even when I had one, I didn't use the damn thing. It's a pride thing for me. I'll take whatever you give me because no one gets the satisfaction of breaking me.

Because of that particular point of pride, I trust other people to know when to stop more than I trust myself. That's not to say that I'm just beaten for the hell of it, however.

And I got a phone call in the middle of this, and now I have no idea where I was going with it. Pfft.

 

[Etoile]

See, that's indistinguishable from what I hear from abused women. They don't like what he does to them, but being with him is a tremendous source of emotional and/or practical security in their life, so they endure. It doesn't make what he does okay.

Being happy in a relationship is NOT the same thing as needing to stay in a relationship. My mom was abused, and yes she stayed with him for a long time because she was not financially or even emotionally able to break away. But that doesn't mean she was HAPPY. Equating that with the happiness a submissive or slave finds in their role is a profound mistake.

 

[Pervocracy]

Being happy in a relationship is NOT the same thing as needing to stay in a relationship. My mom was abused, and yes she stayed with him for a long time because she was not financially or even emotionally able to break away. But that doesn't mean she was HAPPY. Equating that with the happiness a submissive or slave finds in their role is a profound mistake.

Okay, that's true, and I do kinda see what you're saying.

It's definitely not for me, though, I can see that.

 

[Keroin]

This is an unexpectedly cool thread! Thanks RR and welcome pervwhatsits - sorry, too many martinis.

I think what's important to grasp here is the wide and varied spectrum of BDSM. I know it took me awhile to grok and I still read about some behaviour and think, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" But believe me when I say it is consensual and exists in an entirely different universe than abuse, which is bad.

I have learned to accept that everyone in the BDSM universe has a different level of "acceptable" and it's not my place to insert my morals. (Except if the behaviour puts non-consenting individuals at risk).

Also, I think it helps to understand that everyone has different reactions to pain. I was a professional stunt performer for many moons; I get off on pain, it takes a lot to hurt me. No, my PYL is not a mind reader but he is, despite his lovely sadism, a caring and wonderful human being who knows me intimately and would never inflict any real damage. This is *our* relationship and it is as different and special as everyone else's on this board.

Do I need to hurt? No, not in the sense that I need to eat, need to sleep, need to stay warm in the winter, etc but if I have the opportunity to hurt and I can...yum. I'm not delusional. My life would go on without my kink but with my kink it is a far richer and far more satisfying existence.

It's complicated.

Anyway, I just wanted to add that I never girl hit. Never. I'm with you there, P. If I hit you, (general "you", male or female), I'm doing it because a) we have the gloves on and we're in the ring or b) I'm going to fucking hurt you...bad.

I rarely hit people outside the ring. I'm a peacenik.

Welcome to Lit, there are a lot of cool people here, penguins too.

 

[Netzach]

When it doesn't make you happy. I do my fake play-pretend imaginary BDSM because it brings me joy. I understand a beating may not make you happy in the moment but later you'll be glad--but there's a point at which you're just miserable. Where you're feeling real fear and the bad kind of pain and you feel betrayed and helpless. I know, you have to trust someone tremendously to give over no-safeword control, but people sometimes change and people very often make mistakes.

That's what defines abuse - "joy" isn't a perpetual end result, but it's a net result in functional D/s relationships, even really strict ones.

It's never the net result in abusive relationships.

Know what makes me feel betrayed and helpless and shit-tastic? "Now you are a bad girl and bend over, heh heh" stuff that other people absolutely *thrive* on. With me, that's abusive and skin-crawlingly traumatizing. I don't know why, even. Another sure fire way to lose me - task setting me up to fail. NOT OK.

I need to take a monthlong shower when I feel like I'm being spanked for some setup, even a playful one - no, not even. You lose me. Immediately and non-negotiably.

If you want to spank me, the only reason that makes me feel fulfilled is that watching my ass get red gets you wet. Or hard, less commonly. Preferably hard enough to leave some evidence you were there - "abusive" to some very sensitive souls I'm sure.

The things that might be abusive to someone could be as random as using a wood spoon if that's a traumatic implement. Or a particular mean name that's not that mean in the mainstream at all.

If being tit punched and kicked with boots brings someone their personal fulfilled warm and secure place, then it's not abuse. It's just bothering you because you don't like the form.

 

[Keroin]

If being tit punched and kicked with boots brings someone their personal fulfilled warm and secure place, then it's not abuse. It's just bothering you because you don't like the form.

I was tit punched by Paul Stannard in grade six. I have never gotten over it. When I catch up with him - and I will - retribution will be slow and excruciating.

 

[Netzach]

I was tit punched by Paul Stannard in grade six. I have never gotten over it. When I catch up with him - and I will - retribution will be slow and excruciating.

The gonad swift kick is fittingly invoked by that. It's like nukes.

 

[satindesire]

I was tit punched by Paul Stannard in grade six. I have never gotten over it. When I catch up with him - and I will - retribution will be slow and excruciating.

The gonad swift kick is fittingly invoked by that. It's like nukes.

No no no, give him a purple nurple instead. It will traumatize him for life.

 

[Keroin]

The gonad swift kick is fittingly invoked by that. It's like nukes.

Yeah, he caught me off guard, And...you know...grade six. But I think the gonad kick lacks the shame level I want him to feel. Mind you, he is probably dead or in jail or a born again christian so it may not be necessary.

 

[Keroin]

No no no, give him a purple nurple instead. It will traumatize him for life.

Nice. I think I would also like to duct tape a soother in his mouth.

That's the martinis talking.

 

[satindesire]

Nice. I think I would also like to duct tape a soother in his mouth.

That's the martinis talking.

You know what would be REALLY mean? Stuff a whole package of Five gum in the Lush flavor in his mouth. He'd drown in his own drool.