Holy Sh*t They're NAKED in Here!

[Homburg]

But then someone goes and says they're gay. Doesn't matter the terminology, either. Everyone stops dead. Society gawks. People just wonder what the fuck must be going through your mind to make you say something like that. By the time they realize you were serious, it's too late; the damage is done. You're scarred for life, or they are. Your friends and family find out quicker than a CPA can type and they turn away before you can even spell CPA.

I have two very good, old friends that came out. They're still good friends. In one case, I was largely unsurprised. In the other, I never would've guessed. Didn't matter. They were both friends before they told me, and remain friends after. Not everyone is like that. *hugs*

That said, when viv (my gal) was outed to my mother as bisexual (by someone she considered a friend), things got ugly, and it took a while for my mom to accept her bisexuality. And my mother still does not accept our polyamory. So I know where you are coming from.

Close-minded, bigoted people suck, and the best path is to ignore their idiocy. Unfortunately, it's harder to do when they're related to you

 

[Sara Crewe]

I have two very good, old friends that came out. They're still good friends. In one case, I was largely unsurprised. In the other, I never would've guessed. Didn't matter. They were both friends before they told me, and remain friends after. Not everyone is like that. *hugs*

That said, when viv (my gal) was outed to my mother as bisexual (by someone she considered a friend), things got ugly, and it took a while for my mom to accept her bisexuality. And my mother still does not accept our polyamory. So I know where you are coming from.

Close-minded, bigoted people suck, and the best path is to ignore their idiocy. Unfortunately, it's harder to do when they're related to you

I meet people who are ready to come out all the time because of my job.


I second Hom's statement. There are good and bad people out there but you can only control yourself. If someone cannot move past trying to make you feel bad about who you are, then maybe that person has chosen not be in your life anymore. I think the only thing you can do is be ready to accept them back if they say they are sorry and have made a change.

Find people who will like you for you, the whole of you. There are millions of people out there who won't see different as bad, just different.

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Krys. I think most of the shunning by friends and family comes any time we're not willing to live their expected roles for us. If we don't marry and have children, suddenly orientation comes into it, even though no one has any business in our sex lives unless they're invited in. Too bad you couldn't find a (non-sexual) mentor to show you the best way to live your lifestyle; your parents are too heterosexual to sympathize and obviously, too disappointed to empathize.

Now, what you need to consider is becoming educated and independent in all aspects of your life. The more tools you make available to your social and employment life, the easier it is to live your chosen style.

As has been said by the very wise folks here, leave the door open for those who've rejected you to come forward and ask forgiveness. If they don't, then consider that it's more than possible you don't need their poison in your life. If they do, make sure it's their apology and your acceptance, no way should those two things be reversed.

Welcome to the conversation.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

You're most welcome, krys, and I'm glad to see another person getting something out of this thread.

And it's okay to just vent, too. EVen if we know what we should do, what we're supposed to do, even if it's all settled already, venting is one part of writing, and writing and dialoguing about sexuality is the primary point of this thread.

Coming out as bi (and polyamorous, and pagan, and kinky, and everything else I'm inclined to confess) over the years has gotten me every possible response, from the most condemning to the most accepting. It's all about the nature of the person responding, and a lot can be deduced about someone when you watch how they respond to news like that.

Nice to meet you. I hope you find meaningful connections and support both here and elsewhere as you move through this part of your journey.

It gets better. Keep the faith.

bj

 

[kryslez]

Thanks, peeps.

I think friends and family are the least accepting of people. Too many work hard all their lives for the values they think are important, forgetting somewhere along the road that they aren't the only ones whose needs are great. Compassion and love are put on the back burner until they get so hot they boil over, unable to be ignored any longer, and blow up in everyone's faces. Then people get pissed off and shed their skin, showing just what kind of people they really are. It isn't long before the snake doesn't look so cool anymore and the bare bones aren't just the things you think you know about someone. It takes something like homosexuality to really see what people are like and then you wish you hadn't.

We all have that akward stage in our lives. We hit puberty and go from having fun to thinking we know everything and telling the world to fuck off. Straights end up falling in love, but suddenly gays and bis do so as well and it's seen as a crime. It doesn't matter how bad someone got raped, because at least the rapist and the victim were straight. But does anyone ever really know what lies beneath the skin, what makes someone who and what they are? And just who and what is it that makes us who we are, anyhow? You can find an infinite supply of answers to an infinite supply of questions and never feel any smarter than you did when you were five and couldn't figure out why your favorite blanket needed to be washed after a month's hard use (including three Kool-Aid spills and a mudbath from two brothers that thought it would be funny).

What's even harder than coming out (and the aftereffects), though, is working two jobs to pay out the ass for rent and utilities in an apartment with more problems than a drugged-up bum living on the streets of L. A., and that doesn't even cover the cost of food anymore either. Entertainment? Ha! Forget about entertainment. That's what three fingers and a bathroom mirror are for, 'cause you certainly can't afford anything more than that. And did I forget to mention you're using old coffee cans for flyswatters? Well, at least you don't have to worry about the guy next door with more tattoos than a biker and twice as many hooker/girlfriends - or do you? After all, it's not like he tries to hit on you every time the apathetic landlord isn't looking, after all.

Forget about a car, either. That's what the bus is for. And mace to scare off the creepy guys smoking dope on the corner every night when you get home at two in the morning? Bah. Well, at least I'm damn near done with college. I just wonder how I'll get the loans paid off without turning my dimwit brothers or my spiteful parents or my hating (former best) friend into human sacrifices to whatever god doesn't have a ripe ol' time laughing her (or his) ass off at me.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Hey kryslez,

Heart goes out to you, kiddo. Nothing I can say will ever make it better - if you let it suck, it WILL suck. What you need to keep remembering (and lots of people try VERY had to make you forget) is that what you choose to do with your life is YOUR choice. That they don’t like something is THEIR problem, not yours – unless you choose to make it so. If you want a life, go find one that suits and go live it! It will be hard. It will be frustrating. It will be a never-ending challenge. So is being hetero, sweetie!

BTW, I do get what you’re going through. My Mom didn’t talk to me for five years when I announced that I was gay. Still freezes when my partner gives her a hug. But that is her deal, not mine. My deal was to make sure that I maintained my self respect and self worth; that I kept my heart open so that I could find somebody and then I WORKED at keeping a relationship. Amy and I have been together for eight years now. We have twin ‘slimy footballs’ (really like that term, BTW) and we are both Bi (sorta – kinda). If someday, we meet the right guy we might add him, but I don’t expect it to, at this point. Both Amy and I went through what you are now. There are cool straight people, there are cool gay people there are assholes of both varieties. Get off you ass, go make some friends and I think you will be surprised by the support and understanding that is out there. Now, granted, this is easier said than done, dependent upon where you live. Amy and I grew up in the Midwest – tough crowd. You might think about LA, the bay area, Portland, Boston, Baltimore, etc. - lot more opportunities and a much more understanding mind set. We picked San Diego for that specific reason.

Well, I’ll shut up now. But, hang in there. PM me if you need an understanding ear.