How challenging is to talk about fantasies, kinks etc.?

[Letsgo1982]

I spent years trying to push the boundaries with my spouse, and for every one thing where she’s receptive and either willing to engage or let me, there’s 10 that she rejects immediately out of hand. So to that end over the years, I’ve just given up on talking about it. Also, in the circles I run in, you don’t talk about sex.

 

[aziegmann]

But if I'm already in a relationship and I start developing new fetishes and kinks then I wouldn't be so comfortable in opening up

Why? I’d like to know… What’s the difference if you’re in a new or long term relationship?

 

[aziegmann]

My second wife was just the opposite towards sex and fantasies. We have come a long way with the sex but she won't open up about her fantasies so I don't ask anymore. But I still have my fantasies.

She just refuses to share it with you or she says that has no fantasies?

My wife told me one day that her fantasy is only to have sex in a motel, which seems to me very predictable and less kinky. Some weeks later she told me about being curious of knowing how would it be to receive oral sex from a woman. And she also always makes jokes with me as if we were in an open relationship. She reads or see something about famous tv stars being in an open relationship and asks to me: "Will we have one?".

I really don't understand…

 

[Letsgo1982]

She just refuses to share it with you or she says that has no fantasies?

My wife told me one day that her fantasy is only to have sex in a motel, which seems to me very predictable and less kinky. Some weeks later she told me about being curious of knowing how would it be to receive oral sex from a woman. And she also always makes jokes with me as if we were in an open relationship. She reads or see something about famous tv stars being in an open relationship and asks to me: "Will we have one?".

I really don't understand…

Mine told me, when explaining that she was horny that morning and had rubbed herself to orgasm, that she didnt think or fantasize about anything, just felt the feelings and spent the 3 minutes it took. How can anyone not have a fantasy or mental image there? I dont understand

 

[Lucien_Al]

I have been married twice and both wives said that they don't fantasise about anything. In the case of my second wife if I don't push the point she has slowly drop little comments that she does find things erotic and thinks about them when she is playing. I tend to just listen and keep them in my mind for future play. I am concerned that if I push the point she will become shy about what she is thinking and not say anything in the future.

 

[BornNorCal]

I feel the other way. If it's a new relationship then I'd be open. That way I wouldn't get into a relationship where I'd have to lie later. But if I'm already in a relationship and I start developing new fetishes and kinks then I wouldn't be so comfortable in opening up

Also, I know its easier said than done. My own relationship with my husband is an example of where I didn't open up completely in the beginning

Lily, I can relate and I imagine many others can as well. When you realize you've settled and there isn't any space for new experiences, fetishes or otherwise. That's why this place is so important and special... for those of us trying to sort out those "oh no, what have I done?" moments.

 

[BornNorCal]

She just refuses to share it with you or she says that has no fantasies?

My wife told me one day that her fantasy is only to have sex in a motel, which seems to me very predictable and less kinky. Some weeks later she told me about being curious of knowing how would it be to receive oral sex from a woman. And she also always makes jokes with me as if we were in an open relationship. She reads or see something about famous tv stars being in an open relationship and asks to me: "Will we have one?".

I really don't understand…

This feels like an invitation to a larger conversation. She is asking you to be curious and talk about what she is sharing. Feels like the ball is firmly in your court.

 

[lily_wall_]

Why? I’d like to know… What’s the difference if you’re in a new or long term relationship?

It's about how much is at risk. If it's the first date then I have nothing to lose. If I've spent 10 years with someone then I have everything to lose

 

[Letsgo1982]

It's about how much is at risk. If it's the first date then I have nothing to lose. If I've spent 10 years with someone then I have everything to lose

Well said

 

[aziegmann]

This feels like an invitation to a larger conversation. She is asking you to be curious and talk about what she is sharing. Feels like the ball is firmly in your court.

I understand... It's as if, although stating that he doesn't have fantasies, at the same time he mentally said "I don't have any clearly shared with you yet, but I'm open to discussing some ideas...".

Good point.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I think it’s very challenging. People either don’t have a partner that they can talk like that with or they are worried about the other will think of them.

 

[UtilityCurve]

The best way is lieing?

I'd prefer to call it "spinning an entertaining yarn."

 

[mobleedzblue]

It's about how much is at risk. If it's the first date then I have nothing to lose. If I've spent 10 years with someone then I have everything to lose

Couldn't agree more

 

[wizard59]

I don't think I'll ever open up completely to my husband. I know him so well and know how he'll react. It's so much easier to talk to with faceless strangers than someone close to me

It is sad but I believe that this is the case for the majority of people when it comes to admission of fantasies that are outside the norm.

 

[write_or_wrong]

This may be a minority report. I was forthcoming about my fantasies relatively early in a new relationship, and she did at least witness some of the alternative fun I wanted to try. She also joined in for a couple of experiences. But she didn't really enjoy any of it, and later into the relationship, during our increasingly frequent fights, she tells me I am a pervert and need therapy because of what I want (and she tried). So, there can be a downside to full disclosure.

 

[Up4fun&69]

Some interesting answers, above.
In my case, my ex-wife did not feel comfortable talking directly about sex, fantasies, etc. There were times she'd indirectly reveal things. By that, I mean that she'd tell me a story of a past relationship (a college boyfriend leaving her tied up on her bed at her parents house, only to have her parents find her like that). Or she'd let others share things, like a college friend blurting out that my ex was the reason she became a lesbian. And when I'd try to prod a bit, I never got direct answers. When asking about the being tied up incident, she told me that she was so embarrassed and would never do that again. But years later she'd say that she missed being tied up and asked why I didn't try that. Or after the revelation of her bi past, I took her to an all nude strip club. And while she seemed to really enjoy it, she never wanted to go with me again. Yet she asked if she could go to strip clubs with her boss and work associates. Nothing was ever direct and clear.
And I was never good at talking about things either. Instead, I'd introduce things into our play. She enjoyed it when the strippers smacked each others butts but didn't like it when I smacked hers. She enjoyed it when I rimmed her but would never do it on me. When I fingered her ass as I finger-fucked her pussy, she had great orgasms, but she said such play made her wonder if I was gay. And when a friendship with another nudist couple moved from flirting to some same spouse, same room play, she'd give me a long, sloppy blow job but would never let me eat her out. And even though she's the one who started the same room play, later on she said she never liked it.
I agree with others that communication is important. But whether it's upbringing or fear of being judged, I find that many people are scared to talk about sex and especially fantasies.

 

[Lucien_Al]

Some interesting answers, above.
In my case, my ex-wife did not feel comfortable talking directly about sex, fantasies, etc. There were times she'd indirectly reveal things. By that, I mean that she'd tell me a story of a past relationship (a college boyfriend leaving her tied up on her bed at her parents house, only to have her parents find her like that). Or she'd let others share things, like a college friend blurting out that my ex was the reason she became a lesbian. And when I'd try to prod a bit, I never got direct answers. When asking about the being tied up incident, she told me that she was so embarrassed and would never do that again. But years later she'd say that she missed being tied up and asked why I didn't try that. Or after the revelation of her bi past, I took her to an all nude strip club. And while she seemed to really enjoy it, she never wanted to go with me again. Yet she asked if she could go to strip clubs with her boss and work associates. Nothing was ever direct and clear.
And I was never good at talking about things either. Instead, I'd introduce things into our play. She enjoyed it when the strippers smacked each others butts but didn't like it when I smacked hers. She enjoyed it when I rimmed her but would never do it on me. When I fingered her ass as I finger-fucked her pussy, she had great orgasms, but she said such play made her wonder if I was gay. And when a friendship with another nudist couple moved from flirting to some same spouse, same room play, she'd give me a long, sloppy blow job but would never let me eat her out. And even though she's the one who started the same room play, later on she said she never liked it.
I agree with others that communication is important. But whether it's upbringing or fear of being judged, I find that many people are scared to talk about sex and especially fantasies.

In my case its proving to be difficult to erase years of mental abuse from her ex husband.

She is willing to try almost anything but will never initiate any of it for fear of being judged.

 

[UtilityCurve]

This may be a minority report. I was forthcoming about my fantasies relatively early in a new relationship, and she did at least witness some of the alternative fun I wanted to try. She also joined in for a couple of experiences. But she didn't really enjoy any of it, and later into the relationship, during our increasingly frequent fights, she tells me I am a pervert and need therapy because of what I want (and she tried). So, there can be a downside to full disclosure.

Throwing people's secrets back at them is the height of cruelty. It would prompt me to look for the exit.

(I also think she is constitutionally unfit for a "relationship" worthy of the name. Therapy for her perhaps, to make up for the maturing she obviously skipped.)

 

[write_or_wrong]

Throwing people's secrets back at them is the height of cruelty. It would prompt me to look for the exit.

(I also think she is constitutionally unfit for a "relationship" worthy of the name. Therapy for her perhaps, to make up for the maturing she obviously skipped.)

Thank you! I feel better.

 

[N2outdoors]

We listened to audio books while on road trips which planted the seed on a number of fantasies and kinks. This was also helped by playing a game called Monogamy which set a number of dares for each to fulfil. We are pretty much at the point where we discuss things we can try quite openly.

Can you describe the monogamy game?

 

[N2outdoors]

I feel the other way. If it's a new relationship then I'd be open. That way I wouldn't get into a relationship where I'd have to lie later. But if I'm already in a relationship and I start developing new fetishes and kinks then I wouldn't be so comfortable in opening up

Also, I know its easier said than done. My own relationship with my husband is an example of where I didn't open up completely in the beginning

I agree about it being easier to be open in the beginning, than waiting until opinions are formed and limits established, if only in your mind. Suddenly finding out someone you have developed feelings for has a different view on swx links can be a real downer.

 

[JackVettriano]

I don't think I'll ever open up completely to my husband. I know him so well and know how he'll react. It's so much easier to talk to with faceless strangers than someone close to me

Very honest, that’s attractive.

 

[dodgeboy2]

I don't think I'll ever open up completely to my husband. I know him so well and know how he'll react. It's so much easier to talk to with faceless strangers than someone close to me

I feel the same way, I married a girl I love whom I know would not react well to some, no probably all, of mine and yes it is so much easier to chat with faceless strangers about these things. My wife was raised as a very strict Southern Baptist and always thought anything but male female missionary sex was what two people should do, it took my a long time to finally convince her to allow me to orally pleasure her and she did at least try to pleasure me orally which didn't last long as she hated it, luckily she did and still does like me providing her oral pleasure which honestly I enjoy more than receiving although a bit now and then would be nice but that's out the window.

I tried introducing some other minor things and she was insistent those were not going to happen so I stopped a while ago and enjoy what we have but do honestly wish things were even just minorly different, however after 40+ years I still enjoy her company and put up with these things because I do love her!

 

[Lucien_Al]

Can you describe the monogamy game?

A board game where you through the dice and move around a board. When you land on a square you have to pick up a card and then there is a his and hers "challenge" that your partner needs to fulfil. At the start its like tickling with a feather and then progresses to thing like giving head with a block of ice in your mouth. As you go around you move up the 3 levels which then increase in intensity. Some of them are anal dares which the wife will not entertain but I was happy to give them a go. Some mild bondage etc. We normally have a dare lasting the length of the average song and work our way through them. The first time we played it took about 3 hours to reach the most "daring" level but these days we just go to the third set of cards. If something is a bit of a fantasy or kink then we would pause them and discuss how we felt about them. In our case when we reached those that we had not tried but really enjoyed they became part of our play and later a big part of the props in our sex room.

I did scan some of the cards for a friend and if you are interested I will see if I can find them. DM me if you want to see the ones I scanned.

For us this game made us majorly more keen to experiment as it is done in a gradual way and never became too much for the wife at any time.

 

[lily_wall_]

I feel the same way, I married a girl I love whom I know would not react well to some, no probably all, of mine and yes it is so much easier to chat with faceless strangers about these things. My wife was raised as a very strict Southern Baptist and always thought anything but male female missionary sex was what two people should do, it took my a long time to finally convince her to allow me to orally pleasure her and she did at least try to pleasure me orally which didn't last long as she hated it, luckily she did and still does like me providing her oral pleasure which honestly I enjoy more than receiving although a bit now and then would be nice but that's out the window.

I tried introducing some other minor things and she was insistent those were not going to happen so I stopped a while ago and enjoy what we have but do honestly wish things were even just minorly different, however after 40+ years I still enjoy her company and put up with these things because I do love her!

The heart wants what the heart wants.

The only thing I disagree with you (I'm nitpicking here) is your choice of words at the end.

"Put up"... For me, I wouldn't say I put up with my husband. That makes me think that I'm somewhat unhappy and I'm settling. I'm not. I want more that doesn't mean I don't have enough already. I'm greedy lol

I can get a sense of how you feel and I know you didn't mean it that way. As I said, I'm nitpicking


Also... Missionary position is one of my fav, so don't you dare bad mouth about it lol