How do I ask my partner if I can have a fuck buddy while we're LD?

[jacktar48]

You dont need a female knowledge to realize your genital organs are not the center of the universe.
And contrary to the popular beliefs, men have hearts, brains and capability to set their priorities straight too. Well, some of them....

I have a feeling I'm not gaining any points here. (Applies super-glue to fingers and lips.)

 

[jacktar48]

If you've never discussed the notion of an open relationship or swapping with him before and know how he feels about it, doing so remotely from 3000 miles away is not the way to do it. It could likely cause hard feelings and suspicions even if you tell him "ok, I'm not going to do it". There was a post that suggested that asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission but trust me, once your partner finds out you've cheated and it's not something they agree with, the pain and suspicion and "elephant in the room" never go away. I was outed cheating 12 years ago. We are still married after over a year of counseling, but the tension and suspicion has never gone away.

So, if this is something you have discussed and basically agree on, don't bring it up from across the country. Make sure you know how you'd feel if he called or wrote to you and said he was fucking somebody else while you were away.

If you want to take the risk of cheating and you can live with it, do it and be very careful about STD's or pregnancy or him being an obsessive asshole who will haunt you after you go back home. If you take that route, DO NOT volunteer to him that you did it. There are hundreds of thousands of people who cheat every day of every year and their spouses or SO's don't know and are better off for not knowing. Volunteering that information is for people who want to dump their own guilt onto their spouse and then are shocked when they aren't "forgiven in loving arms." Don't believe the crap you see in movies where people voluntarily confess and all is fine. If you want an open relationship, work that out before you're out of town and drop it on his head like a brick.

Very wise. I'm taking notes.

 

[liveforlust]

Dear Cynical Bitch

Actually you don't sound too cynical and are looking for a straight answer to a question a lot of people around here have probably had in one form or another. "I love you and I want to stay with you the rest of my life because there are things with you I love way beyond just sex. However, as much as two people may try, we may not be able to satisfy all sexual needs and desires all of the time. That's why I'd like permission to experiment now and then with someone else and you have my blessing to do so to. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other or want to leave each other, it's just that we want to expand our horizons a bit. It's like trying a different hair doo or hair color or playing a different golf course or playing tennis with a different group or people or trying a different restaurant. I hope you can understand that."

It is true. Humans are sexual beings that aren't really programmed to have sex with the same person for 50 years. Most of us have been raised that way though by our parents or the church or society in general. However, if we really looked at who we were as animal creatures, mammals who are capabale of and probably meant to mate with a variety to satisfy Darwin's theory of variety in the gene pool, then maybe we'd have a different view of things.

As for asking your parner to let you have permission to find temporary sexual gratification with others, it's a personal decision. I once had a long term (couple of years) relationship with a woman who was living with and engaged to an air force transport pilot. He was out of country for months at a time for all of his career. They agreed not to marry till after he got out and each had permission to play with others while he was away as long as it was safe and not emotional. She was a great fuck buddy during the months he was overseas and I bowed into the shadows when he was home. They have now been happily married for 15 years. It's all in how you handle it and what's REALLY important to you. Is love and commitment more or less important than what some might be not much more than a form of mutual masturbation with somebody else to help get through the night.

I may have pissed off some people with all that, but so be it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Actually you don't sound too cynical and are looking for a straight answer to a question a lot of people around here have probably had in one form or another. "I love you and I want to stay with you the rest of my life because there are things with you I love way beyond just sex. However, as much as two people may try, we may not be able to satisfy all sexual needs and desires all of the time. That's why I'd like permission to experiment now and then with someone else and you have my blessing to do so to. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other or want to leave each other, it's just that we want to expand our horizons a bit. It's like trying a different hair doo or hair color or playing a different golf course or playing tennis with a different group or people or trying a different restaurant. I hope you can understand that."

But it really isn't like those things. A hairdo doesn't get sad when you have to break a play-date because some other hairdo had a bad day and really needs some quality time. Restaurants never say "I know this was just supposed to be a physical thing but I'm developing feelings for you". Golf courses don't start feeling itchy if nobody plays them for six months.

People are complex beings and even "just sex" has a way of complicating things. I've been in an open relationship for a long time and I don't regret it, but anybody who thinks it's just like changing your hair colour is being dangerously naive.

It is true. Humans are sexual beings that aren't really programmed to have sex with the same person for 50 years. Most of us have been raised that way though by our parents or the church or society in general. However, if we really looked at who we were as animal creatures, mammals who are capabale of and probably meant to mate with a variety to satisfy Darwin's theory of variety in the gene pool, then maybe we'd have a different view of things.

Er... evolution ain't that simple. There are evolutionary advantages to polygamy (fittest individuals have more change to have lots of offspring - at least, the males do) but there are also advantages to monogamy (offspring more likely to survive to maturity if the father sticks around and helps care for them). The balance between those two varies from one species to another. Humans have some biological features which can be taken as adaptations towards monogamy, e.g. concealed estrus, though it's not open-and-shut.

Plus, one of the things that makes humans a successful species is our flexibility. Anybody who's using an electronic screen to exchange ideas with other people thousands of miles away is evidence that our brains are capable of behaviour far outside the situations that our hunter-gatherer ancestors evolved to deal with.

 

[Hypoxia]

My earlier questions went unanswered. I'll try something else. GIVEN:

* You are a fairly young person with fairly strong sexual desires.
* You want a long-term relationship with your SO but you'll be separated for half a year.

Other factors may seem pertinent:

* Your sexual desires are 'needs'.
* You wish to be honest with your SO.
* You are strongly attracted to a certain co-worker.

I say 'seem' because they're peripheral. The basic facts are, 1) you're horny, and 2) your honey will be long gone. So, what do you do?

Seems to me that you face a few options:

* Be loyal. Masturbate a lot.
* Lie. Cheat. Don't talk about it.
* Cheat. Talk. Hope for forgiveness.
* Cheat, knowing it's the end with your SO.
* Do whatever it takes to be with your SO.

You can't always get what you want. Seems you want both a long-term SO, and a sex life while he's gone, and those are going to be mutually exclusive. So, choose.

EDIT: I notice the OP hasn't returned to this thread after starting it. We have no evidence that she's even reading it. IMHO we're flapping our gums in a vacuum.

 

[sybarite_1]

I would invest

in a Sybian.
Great fucking machine for women.
Never get involved with someone from work.
Go to a college beer garden night...you may get lucky....okay, you will get lucky ...why lie about about it
Make certain they are legal age for the State you are in...
Your partner already said they would be upset if you did this...so decide for yourself...can you do this and never tell him? Ever?
Everybody has secrets
But can you keep it?
Only you can decide this
Good Luck

 

[NotHisLady]

I tend to agree that the OP has bolted.
Still, I have a hypothetical to toss out, see what sort of reaction it gets.

Any sort of interaction is cheating, that we all agree on. Is hiring a prostitute cheating?
Could she tell the BF that she wants to hire a pro for one night of release? I know he isn't up for the 'open relationship' and frankly that idea has never been high on my list either but I don't think I would consider a whore the same thing as an affair if it were my guy who did it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I tend to agree that the OP has bolted.
Still, I have a hypothetical to toss out, see what sort of reaction it gets.

Any sort of interaction is cheating, that we all agree on. Is hiring a prostitute cheating?

My rule of thumb: cheating is what your partner says it is.

 

[StrayKat]

My rule of thumb: cheating is what your partner says it is.

This.
Cheating is doing something your partner doesnt know while being aware they would not be ok with that. That would be my definition.

 

[Hypoxia]

My rule of thumb: cheating is what your partner says it is.

This.
Cheating is doing something your partner doesnt know while being aware they would not be ok with that. That would be my definition.

This is my cue to shill my essay WHAT IS CHEATING? (linked below). Enjoy.

 

[Poncher]

This is my cue to shill my essay WHAT IS CHEATING? (linked below). Enjoy.

I like to surf around Literotica but i found this thread interesting because it seems like self control over some lust seems unprofound.
Thanks for the links! I'm going to start reading that essay.

 

[BurningMonkey]

You dont need a female knowledge to realize your genital organs are not the center of the universe.

Wait...they're not??
Why doesn't anybody ever TELL me these things??

 

[lynn-23]

I agree with the comment that "cheating is whatever your partner says it is." Since the OP doesnt appear to have returned, I am guessing that she didnt like the advice that was being given. My hunch is that she has slept with the co-worker and just didn't say anything to her partner. It would be interesting to hear how this turns out when it comes time for her to go back to her home and partner.

 

[cynical_bitch]

Wow, did not realize that I would actually get so many responses to this board! I've been crazy busy with work so I haven't had time to respond. And, looking back, I probably could have worded this whole thing a little bit better.

I guess a few things to address?

1. I work at a theater, and the cast cycles every month or so. This guy who was interested in me was an actor in the cast. No fear of having to see him every day after the show was over, no HR to get in trouble with. Now if it was someone that I'd have to see the whole time I was here, that would be another story.

2. Of course I would be okay with my partner having a fuck buddy! As long as he would agree to the same terms I would: just physical, no deep "I'm-in-love" emotional attachment. And as long as he communicated about it to me, just like I would communicate it to him.

3. For those people who are assuming I'm looking for a way to manipulate my partner: There is a reason I used the phrase "approach the topic". I'm not looking to force him to do anything. I am asking about a way to start a conversation about it with him. The last time we talked about something like this was about a year into our relationship. We weren't living together, both kind of insecure, and I had casually asked if he'd ever had one before or would ever thinking about having one. I'd like to think that we've both grown as people and have built a fairly sturdy foundation since then. I would like to bring the topic back up again, but don't know how to. That's all. That's what I was asking, and I'm sorry if it wasn't clear enough from my post.

4. I'm not interested in cheating on my partner. I know what it feels like - I've been cheated on before. He doesn't deserve that.


And just so you all know, NO, I did not sleep with my coworker. The show is over and I don't see him very often. We are still friends and text occasionally, but it never escalated into anything sexual. My boyfriend is visiting in a few weeks and I am planning on having a conversation then - you guys are right, in person is definitely better for this kind of thing.

To those of you who gave open-minded advice: thank you. Some of the comments were just what I was looking for and have been very helpful. I've actually recently found out that one of my friends here has been in a relationship for 11 years, the last 4 of which have been open successfully. I plan on asking her more about it - I feel like she can give me a pretty good idea as to what works and what doesn't.

To those of you who think I'm a manipulative slut or a terrible person or that I don't care about my relationship...well, you are certainly entitled to your opinion? I knew that this type of thread would probably get some negative reactions, which is understandable. And again, I probably should have made my situation a little more clear. But, bottom line, I know myself and what I want. If you think I'm a bad person because of it, so be it.

But thank you everyone who took time out of their day to answer. Reading this has actually been wonderful.

 

[mynameisfluttershy]

It's your body, do what you want with it. Being in a relationship doesn't give the other person exclusive rights over you.

 

[Bramblethorn]

2. Of course I would be okay with my partner having a fuck buddy! As long as he would agree to the same terms I would: just physical, no deep "I'm-in-love" emotional attachment. And as long as he communicated about it to me, just like I would communicate it to him.

I think I alluded to this earlier, but one thing that seems to come up fairly often in poly discussions is people finding out that keeping things "just physical" isn't as easy as it sounds. Unless your partner has a track record of managing to have strictly physical relationships with no emotional involvement, it may not be possible to tell up front whether this is a promise he can keep.

If that seems like it might be a concern, it might be useful to focus on tangible behaviours when defining your boundaries, rather than basing rules on emotions that are hard to guarantee.

 

[StrayKat]

It's your body, do what you want with it. Being in a relationship doesn't give the other person exclusive rights over you.

You talk like someone who never had a meaningful relationship.
It is not that simple.

 

[Emerson40]

It's your body, do what you want with it. Being in a relationship doesn't give the other person exclusive rights over you.

Being in a relationship involves expectations, understandings, considerations, etc of both involved.

If it is solely a one-way street, it is not a meaningful relationship, or likely to last.

If it only about what you want, and you govern yourself according to you own wants and needs, with little or no regard for the wants, needs, feelings, or expectations of the other, it is not a good relationship for all involved.

 

[Hypoxia]

It's your body, do what you want with it. Being in a relationship doesn't give the other person exclusive rights over you.

Not unless that's in the agreed-upon rules. If one partner thinks 'exclusive' and the other doesn't, the game (relationship) could be over quickly. The OP's question IMHO was about writing new rules for their game.